SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So very happy to hear this. You are truly a success story here. And a great role model

@Oldwounds thanks for posting. As many have said before it helps us betrayed men to know it is possible, not just for another hit on the hopium pipe but just to know that we’re not at attempting the impossible, just maybe improbable.

My question, you wrote

She cuddles beside me, rubs my back and shoulders, runs her fingers through my hair. If I have questions, I ask them. I don't ask many questions anymore

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May I ask you after so many years what questions you may still have. Appreciate you say you don’t ask many these days but indicates you still ask some. Are these just for reassurance or do you still ask things re the A.

I’m only 10 months out. I have all the A details I want (I think) still stuck with the why’s and how’s but once (if) I get them will I have a ton more questions afterwards?

I’m only 10 months out. I have all the A details I want (I think) still stuck with the why’s and how’s but once (if) I get them will I have a ton more questions afterwards?

Hey TD,

Great question. These days, I ask more about specific moments in our lives — for state of mind at the time kind of deal. I guess I try to figure out which days we were actually doing well and if some of our shared memories line up at all.

Some couples in recovery consider the old marriage dead and whatever is being rebuilt now as a new marriage. Other couples recognize the whole relationship, even the off the rails moments. I guess we do both. We’re building something new and we still look at the good days we had before the A.

So, my questions now tend to look for some of those memories to see if they were part of what we did right or if it contributed to a disconnect or caused some distance between us.

Marriage can’t cause cheating. But I do believe the stronger the relationship overall, the better — or I can’t see any reason to stay.

Ultimately, in your current search for reason about an unreasonable choice by your wife, is still a good mission to be on. Despite the fact there are no good reasons to ever cheat, we learn a lot about how safe our partners can be by exploring the depths of their fall. We all do self loathing and wrestle with our self esteem at times, but not all of us cheat.

Basically, once I understood my wife betrayed her own values, I had to make sure her coping mechanisms are much stronger if and when adversity strikes again. The endless questions tend to act as a trust building exercise when she reveals those inner feelings she chose NOT to share before her shitty choices.

Hope doesn’t rebuild much, but honest answers to tough questions gave us a chance.

R is hard because marriage is uphill a lot of times without infidelity. It’s extra tough to get back on the same page once one person has hurt the other.

No magic, no rainbows, just a lot of hard work for two souls who aren’t ready to give up on the other.

TRUTH

Fantastic post.

Basically, once I understood my wife betrayed her own values, I had to make sure her coping mechanisms are much stronger if and when adversity strikes again. The endless questions tend to act as a trust building exercise when she reveals those inner feelings she chose NOT to share before her shitty choices.

Thanks OldWounds I think I am on the right track with my expectations maybe not on the deliverables yet

Thank you for your post. I love reading updates like yours.

We’ve overcome adversity we didn’t think we could. We learned love wasn’t enough — or at least the word love as we previously understood it. We’ve learned that a healthy relationship is about giving, not taking, about kindness and not competition for the attention of the other.

Thank you Oldwounds. It’s always good to hear positive updates. HT and I are not empty nesters quite yet, but we are starting to get a taste for it as the kiddos are learning to juggle school and work.

I have been here a long time and I feel that part of the problem with the representation of reconciliation is that many healed partners move on from the support of this site. Many of those that are actively posting about their journey with R are doing so from a fairly fresh perspective. For those that stay, your presence here is much appreciated. I also love that you added this.

I’ll never care how people get clear of infidelity, be it a quick divorce and a new start, or those of us who find a way to restore their marriage. I just want people to make it to the other side of the pain.

That is what this site is truly about. Not every marriage is meant to be saved, but every person that has been impacted by the pain of infidelity deserves to heal.

Thanks for the update. May you and your wife continue on a path that brings you both happiness.