This Topic is Archived
EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 7:59 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020
I believe husbands should be there for them; listen to them, do their best to provide for them; act with integrity toward them and the marriage, treat them like equals, and surprise them with with positive things when one can.
Likewise for wives. A healthy marital partnership is based on mutual respect and care. Once that partnership has become lopsided or one party is no longer reciprocating the respect and care, then I think it is problematic. Just my 0.02.
"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger
"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 8:01 PM on Thursday, October 22nd, 2020
My thought is that once she started with the affair, her guilt and self-shame made her feel undeserving of your love and affection (this is quite common with people who engage in affairs). Instead of working on this, coming clean, dealing with the fallout of the affair and striving to be a better person, she looked for things in you and the marriage to blame for her choices and actions.
Cat:
I think you are spot on.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 6:01 AM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020
I can't possibly guess what someone else would want in a relationship. But when I think of the expression "put on a pedestal," I think of the madonna/whore complex. My ex had this. I'm not saying he treated me well, because he didn't, but he put me in a certain "box," the wife/good girl box. He didn't see me. He never saw me. I wasn't a person. I was filling a role.
The problem with having anyone on a pedestal is that you are too removed to really see and appreciate them for the complex, complicated humans they are. My current partner respects me as an equal. He does spoil me - I don't touch a door handle or a gas pump when I'm with him, he chooses to cook for me almost every night, and my favorite kind of flowers are sitting on the table in a vase right now - but he really sees me. I'm a human he loves. Not someone on a pedestal filling a role.
None of this may apply in your situation. The guilt and shame that others have mentioned may apply here. These are just my 1 am thoughts and your mileage may vary.
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 3:03 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020
I sat down with my FWW last night and asked her about this subject.
She told me that she loves the way I treat her, but during her affair she was feeling such guilt that she was constantly trying to come up with excuses that made her affair acceptable.
She added that she is mystified by her behaviors back then, but it seemed to make sense in her mind to discount and ridicule anything and everything about me in order to assuage her guilt.
She told me this without any prodding on my part.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 5:40 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020
Isn't it amazing the head games WSs tend to play in order to make the unacceptable at least tolerable?
When you think that this sort of emotional energy could have been applied to the marriage . . . I just shake my head.
Cat
FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 5:47 PM on Friday, October 23rd, 2020
Isn't it amazing the head games WSs tend to play in order to make the unacceptable at least tolerable?
When you think that this sort of emotional energy could have been applied to the marriage . . . I just shake my head.
Cat:
You nailed it again. How do you manage to make all your responses so profound?
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
EZ24get ( member #29752) posted at 4:38 AM on Saturday, October 24th, 2020
Also amazing, that pedestals are so widely utilized, when engaging in affairs...
Told my request was one so unlike being you. Then, was punished for asking, by watching you become all that I needed, for someone new.
...so,..he traded my heart, for a hard-on.
BW~ me 44
CH~ he 45
2 kiddos~ 22 & 24
A-bombed Oct2010
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 4:44 PM on Saturday, October 24th, 2020
Also amazing, that pedestals are so widely utilized, when engaging in affairs...
I imagine that's true. Sorry for your experience.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
This Topic is Archived
