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WH sent a NC message on dday, and at the time I didn’t know there was a playbook for this, so I never saw the message or response. He told me he had said something along the lines of he didn’t want to hurt his family. He disabled all his accounts and changed his phone number and email, and I believe he has maintained NC. A couple of months ago I brought up that I would like him to write out what he would say to her now if he could redo it, now that he is no longer in “the fog”, just for me to read and certainly not to send to her. It’s just an exercise, for something that I realize can be artificial but I kind of want a redo, and I want to see if he would say “I love my wife.” Well, after that discussion, he never did it. So I brought it up again a couple weeks ago and asked why he hasn’t done it. It didn’t seem like he had forgotten and it just sounded like he wasn’t sure what he would write. I feel like this is the only thing I have asked for that he hasn’t done. Is it really that big of a request?

No, I don't think it's that big of a request. I wonder if he hasn't fully sorted out how he feels about what he did and about her. That'd be my guess.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 8:35 AM, October 25th (Sunday)]

It doesn't seem like a big request to me. It doesn't seem like something that is gonna be that valuable even if he does do it either.

Him writing anything to her, even in practice, gives this person more importance than they should have.

My first thought was that he never sent a nc message in the first place,and he is worried that if he writes one now,even if you say it's just for you, that you will send it to her. And there is a burner phone he is using to communicate with her.

Otherwise..why wouldn't he write one just for you? Its an extremely simple thing to do. But he won't. The only logical reason I can think of is he is what I stated above.

Notthevictem has a great point! There is little value in writing out another NC message that will never be sent.

Why give her more thought, attention and energy?

I want to see if he would say “I love my wife.

Ask your husband to write you how much he loves you. A Contact letter just for you.

Any writing after Dday needs to be written to you, Ask him his feelings now that the fog is lifted. Don’t ask him to think about her one more second!!!

It is not that big a request.

However, a NC message isn't a guarantee either. My WH showed me the one he sent after DDay1. Yadda yadda yadda...DDay3 same LTAP.

But - he should be falling all over himself to show it to you or recreate it.

There was a thread on here years ago similar to this topic . I thought it was a GREAT idea!

The thing was to have the WS write a letter to the adultery co-conspirator...but it would not be sent...about how the WS felt about the A and the adultery co-conspirator. This idea came about because on or near Dday the WS of the OP was talking glowingly about the adultery co-conspirator...but their feelings had changed once the fantasy affair bubble popped.

My H had told me on Dday how the adultery co-conspirator was just like me...because she was soooooo nice . At the time that thread came out...my H had already seen how NOT nice the adultery co-conspirator was. She was still trying to contact my H. So I told him I wanted him to write a letter to the adultery co-conspirator about his feelings toward her and their A at that point...but I would have the choice to send it to her...or not.

The letter did NOT disappoint . I had seen and approved his NC message to the adultery co-conspirator before he sent it...and he was MUCH nicer in the NC message than the letter he wrote this particular time. It showed a HUGE difference in my H's mindset! I ended up not sending the letter...but it sure made me feel MUCH better after reading it...and to ME...that was the goal .

If you feel you NEED it...ask again. He may not feel comfortable writing things down...but if he realizes it is something that will help you heal...it seems like it won't be too big of a request .