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Thank you all for all the support and advice. I’ve taken some time away from SI to try and get my head around all this and not get distracted with everyone else’s stories for a few days.

I’ll be completely honest I’m erring on the side of S but thats a huge decision to make That doesn’t just affect me and one that I won’t make lightly.

I’m feeling this way not because she wants to rugsweep (although that is exactly what she wants to do) but because ultimately as I’ve alluded to in my previous posts I just might be “that guy” and as I heal I become more sure of what I should have done immediately following Dday. She just doesn’t understand why we need to talk about “it” her dad never did and her BIL never asked a single question of her wayward sister. All still together but neither would be considered happy marriages.

I still love my WGF but I’m not sure if I can ever love her like I used to or trust her like she wants me to. And that is not a life for anyone to live, not me, not her.

So to my question

In the combined wisdom of SI should I tell WGF how I’m feeling. Should I be that vulnerable with her and share my deepest fears. Maybe it will spur her into action and maybe it will change my direction maybe not. But is it something I should discuss with her.

At the end of the day we both deserve to be happy and maybe that’s just not possible staying together. She may never get the love and trust from me she wants and I may never be able to ever feel safe again. Even if I do feel safe I fear the resentment will build and eventually create a distance between us.

Question open to both BS and WS as I’d like all inputs on the pros cons of having this discussion and telling WGF that I’m not off the fence yet but I’m seriously considering separation.

Edited to add: I’ve read here hundreds of times you need to be ready to lose the relationship to fix it. Maybe I’m at that stage maybe it doesn’t make any difference because I’m too far gone and anything less than a time machine will fall short of what I need to be happy. But I havnt given up just yet.

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 6:59 AM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

TwoDozen,

You wrote, She can have a new happy life without a partner who reminds her of who she was, who she is, who she doesn’t want to be. But she says she wants me, only me.

A bit of a subtlety if she does not reveal that she cheated on you she will begin her next relationship with a lie and the lies she told you will live on. So she has no possibility of getting a clean start the two options are lie or admit to cheating.

I suspect some WWs stay in a relationship because of the fear of their past being found out.

[This message edited by survrus at 10:06 AM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

I have been thinking a lot about S too. I feel better when not in his presence right now. Though, I know that at other times I feel like I want him with me.

I would maybe not be separating with the intention to divorce, but to gain some stability over my emotions more. He needs to work on himself, and I want clarity.

I haven't been on this train long though. I don't think it's going to provide clarity in some ways, but I don't want this new dynamic between us to be here to stay. I fear I will end up doing more damage than good to the relationship so separation for me would be more about preservation than a step towards D. But, it would be hard to view it as not a step towards D at the same time.

It's not that I know that I can not forgive behaviors of something I also did. It's way too early to know that. More looking for some stability in managing and coping with this new information.

I still think you are probably looking at Separation as "what will it feel like" before taking the D plunge, and in that way I think most people who do separation first are fairly similar in what we are doing and why. I never understood it that well before, separation to me used to mean that you were divorcing but not living together while you are in that process. Now, it means something completely different.

Are you waiting to see if it feels worse or better? Or is your separation just not living together while you proceed with divorce?

@hikingout

Actually we’re not married so I guess for me separation just Means a statement from me or an agreement between the both of us that we are no longer a couple, that R has failed and that either or both of us don’t want to continue together as a couple.

For me that would be because I don’t see the nescesary changes in her to ensure she’s a safe partner. She has not dealt with her conflict avoidance, she has not dealt with her low self esteem, she doesn’t recognise the months of coms with AP pre A as an EA or that any boundaries were crossed until 1st “ONS” etc etc

For her it would be, as she always feared that she has to live what she would consider a compromised future with less trust (for however long that lasts) and consequences ie she wants to carry on just as she did pre A because her behaviours were not what caused it so she shouldn’t have to stop socialising, work travel etc etc. Remember I mentioned that her mum has lived a compromised / unfulfilled life because she stayed with her father. WGF is fighting hard to not be her mum. For the record I am in no way like her father.

Separation doesn’t actually mean either one of us moving out (just yet) there’s a whole hosts of things we would need to untangle and agree on before we could take that step and we get on well. Very well, plus we have teenage kids.

This whole situation just sucks.

Just to bring it back to my question and related to my post above to HO

Does it make sense to tell WGF that I don’t like where R is headed. Specifically that I foresee a future where I never trust like I did and a future where I never love like I did.

I think that puts the ball back in her court ie accept those as consequences of what you did or take your opportunity to exit this relationship if you don’t like those consequences.

Or

Do something to change our direction.

Edited to add: just reread this and spotted the irony in my last sentence that actually maybe me having this conversation with WGF is actually me doing something to change our direction, maybe even for the first time. I’ve told her numerous times I won’t rugsweep but here I am 11 months later letting her do it 🙄

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 7:51 AM, November 12th (Thursday)]

I 100 percent think you should talk to her. I think to end any long term relationship you are going to question yourself, and having the conversation will make you feel clarity having done everything you could.

She just doesn’t understand why we need to talk about “it”

I Believe the question you need to ask yourself is not whether she is going to be A girlfriend or a potential spouse that you can trust, but whether you can live your life with a person who doesn’t want to discuss “it“. If you are able to live your life by sweeping the affair under the rug, and that will make you happy and fulfilled, then you can consider that option.

However, if you are like most betrayed spouses or partners, not talking about it and avoiding the topic when you need to talk about it is not going to be the right path for you.

I am seven years out from the end of my husband‘s last affair. I can tell you that we don’t discuss it anymore because there is no need to. However the underlying issue of him lying has caused some serious issues for me. As an example when my children lie to me, and I know it, I get upset because of the frustration I feel is left over from the affair. It really just irks me when people lie to my face.

In any event, your first option should always be is this the best situation for me. When you’ve been on this forum for awhile, you will see That many people here suffered with multiple infidelities in their marriage or relationship. Obviously no one can predict if someone is going to cheat in the future, but the most telling sign from your current situation is that your girlfriend doesn’t believe “it“ needs to be discussed. That’s an indication she just wants to sweep this under the rug, never address the issues, never find out the reason why she made the choices she did and just pretend everything is just “fine“.

Unfortunately that comes across as a person who is sorry she was caught, is not remorseful and doesn’t want to do the things necessary to make amends and repair the damage to the relationship. While she may be doing it now, the fact that she doesn’t want to discuss it is a red flag. And she’s trying hard not to be like her mom — well that’s a failure so far. And if she won’t get professional help to understand that issue she’s doomed to failure (in my opinion).

I hope this helps you.

And should you tell her? Yes only when you have made a decision. Telling her “I’m thinking of ending this” May spur her to try harder to make you happy but not do the real work needed. It would be a stall tactic.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:49 AM, November 12th (Thursday)]

To those in R have you honestly been able to jump down off the fence completely and wholeheartedly or do you sometimes still peer over the fence and keep an eye on the D/S pasture from time to time?

Happily reconciled. It took sometime to get there but even 30 days after dday2 we had good days and bad days. But through it all my H never gave up. He hung in there when the odds were against us.

I don’t have suspicions about him. But then again I am different now. I will always have my plan B in place (especially as we age it’s good to know we are prepared).

If there is One thing that I learned from this ordeal is that at any time, either one of us can walk out the door. There doesn’t need to be a reason, a discussion or an explanation.

My husband is fully aware that I can end this marriage at any time just for the simple reason that I can tell him “I’m just not happy anymore“. So it becomes less important To me if he is cheating or not (which I don’t believe he is). What is more important is that I put myself first and make sure I am happy with the choices I make.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:00 AM, November 12th (Thursday)]

It took sometime to get there but even 30 days after dday2 we had good days and bad days

Our good days started almost immediately and have continued ever since. But I’m fully aware we repaired the M, I worked on me and she has done nothing to work on herself, no accountability, no IC, no consequences except a much improved M. So I would say we are rugsweeping.

If there is One thing that I learned from this ordeal is that at any time, either one of us can walk out the door. There doesn’t need to be a reason, a discussion or an explanation.

Indeed, welcome to the real world Twodozen, life isn’t fair

What is more important is that I put myself first and make sure I am happy with the choices I make.

Honestly I’m trying to do this.

Thanks for al the great advice

Obviously no one can predict if someone is going to cheat in the future, but the most telling sign from your current situation is that your girlfriend doesn’t believe “it“ needs to be discussed. That’s an indication she just wants to sweep this under the rug, never address the issues, never find out the reason why she made the choices she did and just pretend everything is just “fine“.

Not just “fine” but “better”

She has actually said not just once but multiple times that it has brought us closer together. I think she is confusing the fact that “she feels closer to me” after her A with “we feel closer”.

Yeah she may feel closer to you. Doesn’t mean it’s the same for both parties.

Honestly after reading your posts 2D I just feel as though at some point you will feel things really didn’t change much and she’s just back to her pre-affair self.

@the1stwife honestly I think I might have gotten there a while ago but I’ve been in some kind of denial about it all. I read SI and others stories and I’ve seen it mentioned a number of times that it can take a WS a while to “get it” and take control of the R bus. I know this is not guaranteed but in my heart I’ve always felt my WGF is fundamentally a good person, not the evil person she was for a few months at the end of 2019 beginning of 2020.

Sadly I’ve come to the conclusion that I still think she is fundamentally a good person with generally good intentions but that her poor coping mechanisms, compartmentalisation, conflict avoidance and stubbornness are stopping her making any real progress in personal development.

Of course she could still turn that corner but while I’ve sat back and watched, waited, I’ve healed (to some degree) and I feel that the lack of real positive action (there hasn’t really been anything but love bombing) I’ve possibly passed the point of no return.

She almost certainly knows this, she can see I’ve withdrawn my affection, that I’m distracted in a different way to how I was previously and she’s trying to combat this with extra hugs, extra kisses but she hasn’t asked me what’s wrong. I think she’s scared stiff what it means and she’s trying to ignore it, hoping it will go away and not realising what she needs to do it hit it head on, stop pretending nothings wrong.

I realise I could be at fault here, not holding her feet to the fire and just passively waiting for her to come to her senses. Whilst I know my situation is not different to anyone else’s, my WGF is nothing special I do feel that she would never have responded well to the standard SI procedures, it would’ve ended our R much earlier. Maybe that would’ve been for the best but honestly I wasn’t strong enough to risk that until recently. Sadly i may have left it too long because there might not be anyway back for me.

For my future happiness, for her future happiness. For our kids future happiness I’m coming to the conclusion there is only one way forwards.

I’m close to calling it a day, I havnt opened that door yet but I’m definitely in the zip code

TwoDozen.

I want to give you some advice my very wonderful counselor gave me during my H’s Affair. He told me that a successful D or ending of a relationship is when you know you tried your best but it just doesn’t work. You can walk away with your head held high knowing you really tried.

My H wanted a D for the duration of his affair. I was faced with it 10 days after dday1. So I was in the mode of trying very hard to fix or repair. So I called the pick me dance. I kept trying to change his mind. What a waste of time.

However like you I did some work on me. I addressed some issues or things that made him “unhappy” and changed my focus from being all about him to ME. I was a doormat in our marriage. And I realized that had to change.

Because he was so quick to kick me to the curb during his Affair I had to change my focus. So now I make sure I am happy with my choices.

I was lucky my H wanted to R and did everything possible. That was a game changer for us. Years later some if those changes are still obvious and were not done just as a temporary fix.

I think you are seeing minimal effort from your GF which you know is not enough. Whatever choice you make it needs to be the one where you will be happy.