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I never asked my WH if he loved me while he was having an A. I am a realist...It was pretty evident to me that he did not. You do not cheat on someone that you love.

If he had told me that he loved me during the time he was engaged in a disgusting A I would not have agreed to stayed with him. I certainly do not need that kind of love. We, as in BS, all deserve better.

I never asked my WH if he loved me. I actually said wow thanks for not loving me.

There is though a back story to him, his mum is not a nice person and never showed love. Even my WH little sister said the same thing she never showed unconditional love to them. Funny that my WH little sister has done something similar, she didn’t cheat but had an EA with a guy and meet up with him etc before her husband got married. So there is a lot for my H to work. I really think when he said he never stopped loving me, he has a misunderstanding what love is. I guess I want him to really search hard and remember things and work out on his own that he didn’t love me.

[This message edited by Peita at 5:28 AM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

Ok, Pieta, what is your definition of love? What does it mean? What is your WH definition of love?

What about hikingout? You were having an affair and you loved your husband. What is your definition of “love” ?

Others?

Ok, Pieta, what is your definition of love? What does it mean? What is your WH definition of love?

My definition of love is - it’s unconditional, it’s intense feeling of deep affection. You can’t see a feeling so I show my love with actions or words.

It means to be deeply committed and connected to someone.

My WH said he can’t really describe apart from being a feeling and I’m not sure what it means to him

Ok, Pieta, what is your definition of love? What does it mean? What is your WH definition of love?

My definition of love is - it’s unconditional, it’s intense feeling of deep affection. You can’t see a feeling so I show my love with actions or words.

It means to be deeply committed and connected to someone.

My WH said he can’t really describe apart from being a feeling and I’m not sure what it means to him

Ok, Pieta, what is your definition of love? What does it mean? What is your WH definition of love?

My definition of love is - it’s unconditional, it’s intense feeling of deep affection. You can’t see a feeling so I show my love with actions or words.

It means to be deeply committed and connected to someone.

My WH

So here is the Oxford definition:

a. A feeling or disposition of deep affection or fondness for someone, typically arising from a recognition of attractive qualities, from natural affinity, or from sympathy and manifesting itself in concern for the other's welfare and pleasure in his or her presence (distinguished from sexual love at sense 4a); great liking, strong emotional attachment; (similarly) a feeling or disposition of benevolent attachment experienced towards a group or category of people, and (by extension) towards one's country or another impersonal object of affection. With of, for, to, towards.

Emphasis is mine. Maybe that’s the part your WH is (was?) lacking.

Short answer: NO.

It doesn't matter how philosophical you get or how you untangle the spaghetti or put conditions or what-ifs the answer is "no".

DIFM's post is one of the best I've seen.

The Oxford definition hits it on the head..

Love is... manifestating itself in concern for the other's welfare..

This is where the Waywards stop loving us.. By having an affair they are no longer concerned with our welfare.. But their own selfish desires.. They KNOW the affair will hurt us horribly.. They KNOW the affair will irrevocably damage our relationship.. They do it anyway..

For all the times my wife spouted that she never stopped loving me.. I just tell her that her actions were NOT those of a loving loyal wife..

What about hikingout? You were having an affair and you loved your husband. What is your definition of “love” ?

I don't think I said that. This is actually what I said in this thread:

All that to say, I don't think I really loved anyone prior, during, and in the aftermath of my affair. I was a huge void with very little ability to feel emotion. I could feel the dopamine hits though, and that confused the whole picture.

My definition of love is that you want the best things for someone, that you are willing to do whatever you can to make their lives better and build them up. That it's an action, that it requires complete and total loyalty.

I do not think you can love someone and destroy them at the same time.

But, can *think* you love someone. To a lot of people love is fond feelings, and many who have affairs are cake eaters who don't really want to leave their spouse either. But, there has to be a reassessment of that.

Now that my H has cheated, his narrative is he always loved me. I can see how some people when having an affair can compartmentalize and keep everything pretty separate. That doesn't mean he loved me, but I do think he thought he did if that makes sense.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:21 AM, November 12th (Thursday)]

I’m going to my IC today so hopefully she can help me with this.

So in a nutshell WS think they love there spouses but really they don’t or they would have never done this to us.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not seek its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

I don't think I said that. This is actually what I said in this thread:

I stand corrected

In my husband's case, I think it was all about anger. Unexpressed anger towards me. Did he love me during the affair? Nope. But I also feel that lack of love was at the surface.

Once he was caught and we were able to address our true issues with each other and FINALLY started to communicate, it all changed.

To me, I think a wayward can (not all the time but,,,) love their spouse down below the surface. That deep place where real love truly exists. We all know that affairs are full of shit and make believe, so a waywards warped perception of how they feel towards their spouse AND their AP are twisted during the affair. At the surface, no. The love for the spouse is gone along with the respect, their dignity and integrity, because the affair sucks it out of the marriage.

But I also think, that once the affair is over and the smoke clears, if the deep love that was there before the affair comes back to the surface, the marriage can survive.

There is the saying “I love you with all of my heart “

It’s been said that where someone’s treasure is, that is where the heart is.

Treasure could be described as investment. Cheaters investment, their treasure, and by default their body and heart...... are given to their AP’s.

Where the concept of love fits that in there, I don’t know. It seems that for a lot of cheaters love is just a word. Just something that they can say to get whatever they want at the time. Affection from their affair partner, or to comfort/gaslight the betrayed spouse so that they don’t leave.

But as we’ve always said, words don’t mean much you got to look at the actions,. So do those actions seem very loving?

But as we’ve always said, words don’t mean much you got to look at the actions,. So do those actions seem very loving?

No his action towards me are so degrading, disrespectful and hurtful.

My question was really around getting an idea about it Because have no clue how.

No his action towards me are so degrading, disrespectful and hurtful

That is your answer right there.