SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

36, for sure I know that you were betrayed twice by people you had every right to trust in, horrifically. Again, strength for your healing.

Thank you for the kind words.

I had no idea when I started this thread that it would cause such dissent. I do appreciate all the differing views, analogies, metaphors and similes people have posted. It's been mostly good, though, at times, heated conversation.

The bottom line is that it is what it is to whomever has gone through it. Beyond that lays the often barren field of opinion.

I do disagree on the violence definition. If rape is violence, I do not see how having sex with me while cheating on me with prostitutes isn't violence against my body.

Lets agree to disagree Dee. Your experience and mine are different enough that I do not think we'll find a middle ground. Which is fine.

I'm not trying to belittle or lessen what you feel and know. I just disagree, but I haven't experienced what you have.

To Stinger and 36:

I think I know what violence is. I've known from a pretty young age and had it confirmed as an adult. I've been both the recipient (as a child) and the "offender" as an adult ( see U.S. Army). Yet outside of war, I've refrained from it, even when it might have been justifiable. I could have put the AP in the ground three years ago. He was at quite literally at arms length in my home. There are those here who would call that weakness, but it took every ounce of strength and will from me not to do that. By all rights, and all that I had endured to that point, I should have gone off.

To Stinger and 36:

I think I know what violence is. I've known from a pretty young age and had it confirmed as an adult. I've been both the recipient (as a child) and the "offender" as an adult ( see U.S. Army). Yet outside of war, I've refrained from it, even when it might have been justifiable. I could have put the AP in the ground three years ago. He was at quite literally at arms length in my home. There are those here who would call that weakness, but it took every ounce of strength and will from me not to do that. By all rights, and all that I had endured to that point, I should have gone off.

I was also in the military. Yes, war is violence. But it is anticipated violence. It is not the same as rape, sexual assault or infidelity, as those are generally unexpected occurrences. I am not saying that to discount or negate your experience.

If we keep trying to make comparisons, then we have already gotten off the original topic. I have not tried to compare, I have simply tried to suggest that in my case the two actions had some commonality in how they affected me.

We could go on to make comparisons to traffic accidents, robberies, burglaries and a myriad other things, but all would be off topic.

If you are/were as prosecutor, as you say you are, your perspectives are going to be somewhat different than those who have been victims. Your observational status is not the same as being the victim.

As an aside, than you for your service.

LostInTheDesert nailed it IMHO. If I had a $1 for every time I've talked about infidelity being about POWER and CONTROL..... Maybe not the exit variety, but there's not a doubt in my mind that this is part of the cake eater's behavior. I really wish some WS could examine and speak to it, as I am convinced (and perhaps wrongly) that my WH took pleasure (along with the shame) in having his secrets "over" me. Maybe not much consciously, but I am confident it gave him a feeling of empowerment to control my very reality.

Hell, before dday he ALWAYS (and I'm talking at least weekly and at some times daily) would joke when I was at home and he'd call & I didn't answer if I didn't answer bc I was with [insert fictional AP name]. When DD was in high school (and WH balls deep in his PA) she even asked why my WH would do that - she WH asked who is [fictional AP name], and why do you keep saying mom is having an A? For him to do that "joke" all the damn time, knowing he was cheating, HAD to have given him some sense of pleasure & control and all the rest.

Given that conflict avoidance is an oft-cited issue for so many WS, how can this not be a "thing"? And it's a common trait in rapists, too (they are all too often the ones everyone thought was such a "nice" guy... can't imagine they'd EVER do such a thing.... we've all heard it, from Ted Bundy to the Stanford rapist to BTK to ......)

And I've said a ton of times that I'd rather my WH had punched me in the face than lie to it for decades.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:02 PM, November 16th, 2020 (Monday)]

I have to agree that while it may be true that some WS are simply not thinking about their spouses and families( although, to me, that seems pretty incredible), there are a fair number who are purposefully and gleefully enjoying putting one over on the BS.

And some like my XW, were actually rubbing our noses in it, gaslighting and watching the BS twist in the wind questioning their sanity etc.

I looked up the definition of violence. A secondary definition fits.

Thank you to 36, DevastatedDee and LostintheDesert for voicing something I feel everyday.

I have experience both if that helps from a perspective.

With each person's experience the trauma, the impact to their life will differ.

The type of rape / SA impacts the effects of the damage. Just like the circumstances surrounding the infidelity.

For me the impact to my life of the infidelity will be lifelong as it impacted my mind, health, job, children and finances. The SA not so as both were one time incidents. I appreciate for some the trauma or experience is far worse.

I felt raped by my WH .... i just didn't know if was happening at the time. I couldnt bare him placing his hand on my shoulders after I found out... I wanted to vomit I felt so physically violated.

Both situations exist under a lack of consent. I have to wholeheartedly agree with LostintheDesert that the law should punish both.

Mostly I'm concerned the message that the law sends out. If we can't be protected and understand Consent or lack there of it within our own homes, how can they expect children to grow up to think that consent is something to be respected. We learn consent at a young age... infidelity is lack of consent.

[This message edited by Tortured at 2:31 AM, November 17th (Tuesday)]

I couldnt bare him placing his hand on my shoulders after I found out... I wanted to vomit I felt so physically violated

I could never kick this feeling it is also discussed in the book “Cheating in a Nutshell.” The feeling of disgust is one of the main effects from infidelity.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:15 PM, November 16th (Monday)]

Thumos has an excellent thread on Adultery as Abuse. It seems to shore up many of the comments here.

Can we agree that rape and infidelity are both forms of abuse? Again, I am not making a diect comparison and not suggesting that the trauma cause by rape is identical to the trauma caused by infidelity.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 2:20 PM, November 17th (Tuesday)]