SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband of 20 years has slept with the same prostitute around 8 times over the last 5 years. I found a message to her on his phone to make an appointment. After initially denying it, he finally admitted that he had been sleeping with a prostitute. After long discussions he told me that he has low self esteem, feels depressed, worthless and often has thoughts of suicide. He has used this prostitute when he is at his lowest and says it was a way to stop the thoughts of suicide. After the “deed” he says he felt worse due to to guilt, shame and regret and the downward spiral would start again. He is now having therapy to deal with his thoughts and depression and wants us to go to couples therapy to save the marriage. He says he’s always loved me and there is nothing lacking in the relationship. We were in a really good place, so happy together, so this has knocked me for six! I’m angry, hurt and beyond devastated. He hates what he’s done and seems sincerely remorseful but how can I ever get over this? He’s broken our marriage vows and my trust. I feel totally betrayed.

Starside, I am very sorry for your pain and having to seek out the company of those that have been though what you are going through. My first thought, based on what you wrote, was do not engage in marriage counseling too quick. You do not have a marriage problem, your husband has a problem of being terribly broken. He must first work on himself, proving he is a safe partner, before you can work on any marriage issues. You too may want to seek individual counseling to help you as you navigate this terrible ordeal.

Thanks DIIFM. It’s been about 5 weeks since I found out. My emotions are all over the place. I want to support him but at the same time I’m finding it hard to process what he’s done and feel so hurt by his actions. My thoughts go 100 miles an hour... how could he do this if he loves me? ... he made a choice to betray me... and I also can’t stop picturing him with this prostitute. He says it was just a transaction with no intimacy but that doesn’t lessen the pain that I’m feeling

Hi starside,

So sorry this has happened to you. There are two steps that I can think of right off the top:

1. Get an STD test immediately, both of you, and do not have unprotected sex with your WH until he shows you a clean result. Don't trust him to tell you, have him show you the result. Humiliating I know but you have to do this for your own health.

2. Your WH cannot diagnose himself here for this and it is all good. I'll take him at his word that he is dealing with suicidal thoughts and this is all wrapped up in that but if this is the case he needs a professional counselor to get involved. Have him set up individual counseling, have him attend and then ask that you be allowed to also talk to the therapist at some point after he has had some time to establish a base with the counselor. You need to hear what is actually going on with your WH and his mental health.

Lastly I just want to also say that you are not obligated to stay even with what your WH says is a mental health issue. Depression is a serious thing of course but his coping mechanism here is not something you have to live with. The idea that low self-esteem is solved by paying someone to have sex with you makes no sense to me but of course it is not healthy which is the point. But even if all of this is true, it can be more than you can live with and forgive and that is okay. You get to decide for yourself. Take care.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 2:37 PM, November 12th (Thursday)]

People don't go to prostitutes for depression treatment. They go to doctors and psychologists. So, on what planet did it make sense to him that he'd get relief from depression by going to a prostitute?

It sounds to me like he got caught cheating and now he's looking for excuses you might believe and sympathize with. If he wants to ride that pathetic excuse out though, I'd chuck him into an inpatient program. If he's pulling your leg, he's going to have to put on a good show for the psychiatric team, and if he's not, he'll get some help.

Hi Camomile Tea

Yes, I thought that too...just an excuse as he’s been caught out. That’s why I went to his first few psychiatrist appointments with him. He’s been diagnosed with depression and suicidal ideation. It’s been explained that the “acting out” with the prostitute is a coping mechanism to deal with the suicidal ideation, Just as some people use drugs or alcohol. Im struggling to understand this as he knew this would devastate me. I’m trying to support him but it’s hard when I have all these emotions. As for the marriage, I’m not sure if that can be rebuilt after such betrayal. I still love him and he says there were no problems in the relationship ...that’s not why he did it. I’m just so lost and messed up

[This message edited by Starside at 3:54 AM, November 13th (Friday)]

After long discussions he told me that he has low self esteem, feels depressed, worthless and often has thoughts of suicide. He has used this prostitute when he is at his lowest and says it was a way to stop the thoughts of suicide.

After Dday....mine said these exact words to me...he wanted to run his car into a wall head on. At first I believed him. But soon, the truth yet again came out...there was no depression and he did it (for years) simply because he could. I believe that is the true reason why people cheat....no doubt they are broken people, but they cheat simply because “they wanted to.” They weigh the options in their heads and their entitlement wins.

They compartmentalize. During cheating they put us in a box and tuck it away....mine told me that during his cheating years...he just didn’t care if he destroyed me, our kids or our marriage. That’s not love.

Now maybe your WH is telling the truth...time will tell. Look for his actions (not just words)...he needs to step up and be willing to face the broken person that he is.

Like it was said earlier, a depressed person does not go to prositutes to improve their mental health. There is no possible outcome where that would be an acceptable or successful option to treat mental illness. He had so many other routes he could have taken....talk to you, talk to a friend or seek professional therapy.

I would wait on couples therapy...and each continue IC. We tried couples therapy after Dday...and it was extremely damaging to me as the BS. They focus too much on what was wrong with the marriage when they should be focusing on what is wrong with your WH. He needs to sort that out first.

Remember....as hard and awful as this is....you will get through it. No matter what the outcome. Give yourself time to figure out what you want. Read up on the 180...and kicking my WH out of my bedroom was the best decision I ever made and that took me months to do. I needed a safe space in my own home to be away from my WH....because at the time everything about him was a trigger for me. He would sleep like a baby, while I lay awake sobbing each night.

Take care and keep posting...it helps to get it all out and the people on SI are the best you will find.

Ditto on the above advice.

I don't know the details of your situation, but it is VERY common for cheaters to appear or maybe even become depressed and milk this for their benefit. It is VERY common for us betrayed to feel for them and blame their hundreds of lies and betrayals on this depression. Just keep this in mind. I do credit him that he is going to therapy with this.

Depression does not lead to sex with prostitutes. A screwed up lack of morals and a disconnect with humanity does. If he doesn't take the lead on fixing HIMSELF, and can not see that this IS NOT a marriage issue, then you are in for continued mental anguish. No joint counseling. Marriage issues on your part are a separate deal here that you are free to fix from your end if you so choose, but whatever you choose to fix, it will never stop him from cheating because they are completely unrelated.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Take good care of yourself, you are not alone.

I’m trying to support him but it’s hard when I have all these emotions. As for the marriage, I’m not sure if that can be rebuilt after such betrayal. I still love him and he says there were no problems in the relationship ...that’s not why he did it. I’m just so lost and messed up

It's really easy to get lost in empathy. Whether whatever sob story we're getting is believable or not, we feel BETTER when we take a clinical point of view. We get to step outside of our emotions and look at the infidelity like it's a germ under our microscope. We feel hope for a "cure", as if cheating were a disease. Believe me, I get it. Been there, done that. It's a control mechanism which makes us believe that we have more influence than we actually do.

But... if we're not putting ourselves FIRST, if we're not building and maintaining our own boundaries, if we're not processing the pain and the betrayal, it's not the WS's depression we end up dealing with. It's our own. I spent about two years in a dark hole, and when it was MY turn to have to deal with depression and anxiety, my WH wasn't exerting the same empathy I had delivered. He'd become accustomed to being first in my thoughts and actions. While I thought we were working hard to put him back together, he was just enjoying the centrality of being my complete focus. All I had done was cement it into his mind that he was first and I was second.

Be FIRST for yourself right now. You don't owe your WH another chance or your support or anything else. You can take a step back, tend to your own needs, and then see if he can pull his head out of his ass on his own. See if he can prove to you that he can become the kind of person who deserves to be with you. Because right now, he isn't. IOW, he has to rise to where you are. You don't lower yourself to where he is.

I am so sorry you're here Starside.

People don't go to prostitutes for depression treatment. They go to doctors and psychologists. So, on what planet did it make sense to him that he'd get relief from depression by going to a prostitute?

I DO understand that promiscuity can be a symptom of depression and unresolved trauma. But.... This is spot on. You go to a shrink, or talk to your PCP about getting on meds when you're depressed. You don't go to a prostitute. Were this me, I would be very VERY skeptical of this excuse because it feels very disingenuous and emotionally manipulative of you. "You can't be mad at me for doing this cus I was suicidal." You see how that shifts focus? I am not saying he wasn't, but I am saying that you are allowed to be mad and hurt by what he has done, no matter what his mental state was.

My xwh said a lot of similar things about his depression and ptsd and all when he cheated on me too. I am not discounting that he had depression and ptsd, but I do too and didn't make the choice to try to fix them by finding a stranger's genitals.

Keep posting. And know that you will get through this no matter what.

People who retreated into fantasy worlds as children or thrill seeking behavior as adolescents are often prone to respond to stress through unhealthy over stimulating ways . Sex seems like a very common tool of escapism and self harm

That being said if he is mainly trying to bullshit you and manipulate you ( a strong possibility here ) then he will take zero responsibility make excuses for himself and constantly make you feel sorry for him instead of acknowledging your pain.. Time will tell .

[This message edited by siracha at 4:00 PM, November 21st (Saturday)]

His choice to cheat is not reflective of you or your marriage. You will eventually understand this over time. His choice to cheat was not done b/c you were a good wife. H cheated despite the fact you were a good wife.

Just like a good or bad marriage doesn’t cause you to overeat or drink, it doesn’t cause you to cheat either. Those are choices made by the cheater b/c they have their own issues they refuse to face, so they cover it up with whatever they do — drinking, cheating, etc.

Separate yourself and your marriage from the “reason” he cheated. He chose to cheat. Nothing to do with you.

It’s been explained that the “acting out” with the prostitute is a coping mechanism to deal with the suicidal ideation, Just as some people use drugs or alcohol.

Your WH is meeting the criteria for being a sex addict. (You can find tests he can take online) Contrary to what some others here wrote, SAs do use sex to self-medicate, the same way other addicts use booze or drugs. In fact, in the S-Anon book it says 'Sexaholism is a disease very similar to alcoholism. . ...

And more importantly for you, it also says "The actions of the sexaholic are not a result of something we did or did not do, and we do not have the power to control their behavior."

This isn't to excuse his behavior, but please understand it had NOTHING to do with you, and the truth is he probably does love you, to the extent that he knows how.

It also means, sadly, that you likely don't know the full extent of his acting out. Is his therapist a CSAT? Is there a disclosure with a polygraph planned? Even if he doesn't meet the criteria, the timeline of his sexual acting out - including porn - is important for you to know, and passing a polygraph is important so that you have all the information to make the decisions you need to make.

I urge you to take care of yourself. Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Practice grounding skills. See a betrayal trauma therapist. See a doctor for STD testing. And use condom if you have sex. The first book that a betrayal trauma therapist recommended to me was "Waking the Tiger" by Ann Frederick.

Five weeks is early yet. If your heart is unsure, (which is pretty normal since the shock sends us into fight or flight mode, or we freeze like a deer in the headlights) take it day by day. But, you may not be unsure, and you need to listen to your instincts. If your heart is telling you to separate, then do so. He can work on himself and you can work on your recovery while you live apart. If your heart is telling you to divorce, then do so. If you reconcile, you can remarry.

This time is about you. Not about him. He has a long road ahead of him to deal with his depression and understand why he acted out the way he did.

When I learned of my betrayal, I told my WH to move out. And then I told myself I would give things 90 days before I made the next decision. It takes a lot of the pressure off. My SAWH immediately gave me access to all his electronics, his chats, his Facebook, his email accounts (even at work.) He told me when his AP tried to contact him. He went into intense therapy. He identified himself as a SA. And through it all, he still lied minimizing the extent of his acting out. DD2 came 2 months later when he confessed some more details. And it still wasn't the full story. It's what addicts do. They lie and they minimize to hide their shame. We've been separated for 7 months and he's been in an inpatient SA program going on 4 months now. Depression was identified as one of his major issues. I know he's sincere in wanting to recover. I still don't know if I can forgive him or if I want to be with him.

ps: There is a separate forum for those of us betrayed by SAs, under "I can relate."

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 8:49 PM, November 20th (Friday)]

sorry. don't know why it posted twice.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 8:36 PM, November 20th (Friday)]

I urge you to reread ChamomileTea's post.

I believe your H. I believe the diagnosis. I feel sorry for your H, but you're the one who is asking for help, and I believe you need to focus on yourself.

I know you're filled with all sorts of thoughts and feelings, the vast majority of which are very painful.

Start your own healing first. The reasons your H cheated are irrelevant. You need to process your anger, grief, fear, and shame out of your body. Those are real feelings. If you stuff them, they'll come out in unexpected ways, so it's best to deal with them as early and as quickly as you can. (I wrote 'quickly', but the process isn't quick - it takes more time and energy than anyone wants it to take.)

Eventually you'll have to choose between staying and going. I urge you not to let sympathy for your H keep you from D ... you do not have to R just because your H went to a prostitute instead of a doctor. IOW, once you start process your feelings, then figure out whether you want D or R. If you want R, then figure out how good a candidate for R your H may be.

A good IC can help.

None of the work you need to do is easy. Again, it takes longer than anyone wants it to take. But you really can survive and thrive. It starts with focusing on your own healing.

I’m trying to support him but it’s hard when I have all these emotions.

You bet. It's counter-intuitive, but, at least IMO, the best way to support your H is to heal yourself and to figure out what you want.

As for the marriage, I’m not sure if that can be rebuilt after such betrayal. I still love him and he says there were no problems in the relationship ...that’s not why he did it. I’m just so lost and messed up

At this point, your uncertainty is normal and probably very healthy.

Rest assured that you can rebuild your M if both of you do the necessary work. That describes my W & me. R has been good for us, and we're not alone.

But also rest assured that D is a good solution, if you decide you don't want to be with your H or if he decides not to do the necessary work. Lots of SIers report happiness and great sense of freedom from deciding to D.

But the decision doesn't have to come today. My reco is to go for the best decision you can make for yourself, and that may take time. In any case, IMO you'll be able to make a good decision after you start processing the awful feelings that come with being betrayed.

Thanks everyone for your advice and sharing your experiences. This is hands down the worst time of my life. I’m up and down all the time and every day brings a different emotion. We’ve both had the all clear on STI tests....thank goodness! He is now on medication for depression but continues to battle with suicidal ideation. He’s in therapy which has dredged up some painful realisations for him and we are about to start couples therapy. We’ve talked and talked and I can see some way to understanding the depression/Suicidal thoughts and the need to get relief from this but I’m struggling to come to terms with his choice of coping mechanism. I visualise him with this woman and it makes me sick. I haven’t made any decisions regarding the marriages . I’m still so very hurt and confused

Men have a way of separating relationship from sex. They can separate emotion from the physical act. Women are different. So he might just be completely for the marriage and remorseful.

My lying cheating WH paid 2 different prostitutes for sex. When I found out, he also blamed his depression and low self-esteem. That was just a bunch of BS. I stayed with him and now after 4 years I found out that he has tried to get attention from his female co-workers and even a salesperson from a house we were purchasing. His excuse now is that I have been horrible to him, go figured. Ultimately your WH had a choice and he chose to have sex not once but multiple times with the same person. I might be biased since I'm feeling quite bitter but trust your gut and if R doesn't feel right don't waste your time.

[This message edited by Henr04 at 1:59 PM, December 27th (Sunday)]

Henr04 thanks for the post. Can I ask how you managed to reconcile for those 4 years? How was the marriage and how did you get the intimacy back? Sorry for all the questions but all these things are spinning in my head. I can’t see that we’ll ever be intimate again as the image of him being with her is still in my head almost every day. He is working very hard. Has regular reviews with GP, continues with medication and weekly individual counselling. We’ve had some really dark days when he’s wanted to take his life ....these are the times he says he’s turned to the prostitute previously. We’ve talked it through and contacted the helplines provided and made it through the day. He says he wished he’d told me of the suicidal thoughts and depression years ago as now he’s getting the help he needed. Although I’m supporting him I’m still so very hurt, angry and devastated by his actions. Some days he just revolts me and I can’t even look at him. I know he’s desperately sorry, full of guilt and remorse but the damage is done. I’ve said that I can try to rebuild the marriage but I can’t promise anything but that is proving to be extremely difficult as I just can’t get past what he’s done. I keep probing him for information which is just ultimately hurting me but I can’t help the need to know everything that’s happened between them. Why???

When I talk about it I can see this affects his mood and the downward spiral begins so I try not to but some days I can’t bite my tongue.

We’ve just started joint counselling.... his idea by as he really wants to make it work. He says he’s always loved me and his feelings have never changed, that our marriage was perfect and that what he did was about him being ****ed up and not our relationship.

I do still love him and I want it to work too but I’m really struggling to move forward.