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Fear coming to realization

crazyblindsided posted 11/18/2020 16:37 PM

My daughter keeps changing her mind about how long and how often she comes over to my place. Right now we have 50/50 but my daughter is 17 and is old enough to do what she wants.

Since I had to move to an apartment and could only afford a 2 bedroom, my son has his own room and me and her were supposed to share bed but she preferred sleeping on the couch (which originally I was going to do). Any ways she just told me today she doesn't know if she even wants to stay with me and it just ripped my heart out.

I feel like I'm being punished for leaving the M, for moving out, and feel abandoned by my daughter too.

I hate my XWS for this. I wish I never moved to his mom's house and was still in our home (which is currently being rented with lease until 2021). It would have been better if I was in a situation to kick him out. Instead I had to move out.

This is the worst part about S/D it is killing me.

The1stWife posted 11/18/2020 18:04 PM

What is the X telling her? Anything?

skeetermooch posted 11/18/2020 19:01 PM

I'm sorry, CBD, this totally sucks.

Your daughter, at that age, likely values her privacy above all else. I'm sure it's not personal at all, not that it helps your missing her. My daughter left for college in another country at 17, quite unexpectedly and it ripped my heart out.

crazyblindsided posted 11/18/2020 20:24 PM

What is the X telling her? Anything?

Thatís what Iím wondering but am not sure. Both my kids are pretty quiet about him. To me he plays the victim so maybe she feels sorry for him. They have a close bond and I honestly think heís love bombing them if that makes sense. He has been buying them expensive stuff that I couldnít afford.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:25 PM, November 18th (Wednesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 11/18/2020 20:28 PM

My daughter left for college in another country at 17, quite unexpectedly and it ripped my heart out.

Yes I would be heartbroken too over this.

She is very independent and stubborn and add teenage angst omg. These years with teenagers are tough.

CallingSpades posted 11/18/2020 20:44 PM

That must be so painful and hard to hear. But as much as it must make you feel anxious that something is wrong, I agree with skeetermooch, it's likely about her privacy more than it is about you.

Do you think if she had an issue with you she would feel comfortable bringing it up? She's old enough, you could just ask her if there's anything you could do to make her feel more comfortable. Maybe just leave it open ended and don't suggest anything about beds or rooms and see what she says?

[This message edited by CallingSpades at 8:46 PM, November 18th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

barcher144 posted 11/19/2020 09:16 AM


I think that you have a couple of things going on here at the same time. First, you have the divorce and all of its collateral fall out. Second, you have a 17 year old who is trying to become an independent adult.

My GF's son, for example, has asked his mother if he can move in with one of his friends. Apparently, he feels that his mother is "too strict" because she won't let him go out and party with his friends because he just caught COVID (he had a known exposure but then tested negative. Two days later he had respiratory symptoms, a fever, and had lost his sense of taste).

My advice is this: be the best parent that you can be at all times. Make sure that your kids know that you love them. Be their parent, not their buddy.

Parenting is a long game and it's hard even without divorce and all of its associated bullshit.

I have serious issues with 2 of my 3 kids since the divorce. DD13 was the worst because she and I had always been close and when she turned on me it was very hurtful. But, the thing is... she's smart and she figured out that her mother was lying to her. She had been told that I was a dad who did nothing, but then over several months her memory kicked in and she remembered all of the things that we did together (and still do).

DD15 is a whole other problem. I'm pretty certain that she has Aspergers, which means a couple of things. First, I think that she's especially susceptible to the BS being spewed at her by STBXW. Second, she's handful for STBXW too.

Regarding the previous sentence, I'm guessing that your daughter is a handful for her father too.

Related to all of this, you should get into the habit of talking to your kids about their time at their father's. It's hurtful to them if they feel like they have to keep quiet about that stuff. Imagine never being allowed to not talk about what happened at school. That would be really weird and hurtful, from their perspective.

Lionne posted 11/19/2020 10:51 AM

My husband's (hidden) SA affected all of us, and the negative affect most severely traumatized my oldest son, who ADORED his father even as he rejected his actions. He cried his heart out when we thought it was a drug addiction.

Kids rebel. And they often rebel even if there isn't the kind of dysfunction we have had. That's their job, a way to grow up. You need to accept her POV without judgement and continually remind her that you are her greatest fan, that you will always be there for her, allow her to make bad decisions and fail, and keep your worry close to your heart. She'll see. As she matures she will recognize what efforts on his part are sincere and which are manipulative. It's one of the worst parts of parenting, letting them fly and fall. But it makes for a healthier adult!

After years of disfunction and angst, and after addiction, an escape journey and other drama, DS is married, living close by, thinking about starting a family, visits or checks in often and is ADULTING. It's a miracle. Your daughter will find her way back from any separation that happens.

Justsomeguy posted 11/19/2020 21:01 PM

I have two girls, 15 and 17, and I can only afford a two bedroom apartment. I found one with a dining room off the kitchen, which I blocked off with a wardrobe and a false wall I made from recycled flooring. It is a whopping 64 square feet and that is my bedroom. I was really worried that if my girls didnt feel comfortable in my place, I might lose them. Its tight, but it works, and they have their own spaces to just be themselves. I figure that it's only for a couple years, so we can do it.

Check out some tiny space ideas. There is a company that makes a great trifle Murphy bed that looks like a hutch. Works great in a living room under a TV. That way, your daughter could have her own space.

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