SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

7 years after dday here.

While it "could" possibly happen again, it wouldn't be as traumatizing as the first time. That's the only thing that matters.

I wouldn't see myself as a failure of a wife. He would just want something different from what I offer, and that's fine. He's not a caged bird. But the door would be wide shut and no turning back because I want to build our future, not constantly fix messes.

The kids are not babies, I have a job now and my own savings. My livelihood doesn't depend on him anymore. It was hugely traumatic to see my future going up in smoke and not having a plan b.

I don't know about anybody else, but this huge curveball gave me shit loads of confidence actually. I fought a lot. To keep my house, to get full custody of my kids so I could be free to do what I want without his input. So I can add to my resumé Fighter Extraordinaire when shit happens. Now I know I'm fine with whatever happens, because I have it in me to fight. Any curveball coming my way? My life will not crumble. Maybe that's why the fear has gone.

I just want to say that I find this thread interesting and uplifting. Great topic, Warrior Princess!

I won't say I dont care if he does...of course I would. But I just don't worry about it. If he does he does...and I will move on and survive then thrive. I've proven to myself I can. And to be honest hes even said himself if he did anything like that again it would just be the confirmation I need to know hes no loss and not the man I need or love. And hes absolutely right

[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 2:12 PM, December 17th (Thursday)]

Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to move forward in spite of the fear.

I am wishing you courage in spades!

I am still trying R, so I cannot say this for certain, but I think my problems with trust are not going to be limited to WS. If we ended it and I were to try another relationship, I strongly suspect that this fear of betrayal would still be there. We had a very close, very strong marriage for many years, and my wife had been a very honest person. If that marriage could go wrong, if that wife could betray me, I do not think I could have 100 percent confidence in anyone.

As one who did divorce, I have a different view. Yes, I've seen how well I can be fooled. I've seen some very unfortunate things about human nature. I have changed as a person because of all of this, and not all the changes are what I'd call positive.

Bottom line though, if I cannot find that high level of trust with another person, I don't want another person. I require trust for a relationship. I require having someone whose phone I don't even think about monitoring. I require a man who can go out of town without me worrying about him cheating. I will not have a relationship with someone where I have to make an assumption that he might put me through the most traumatic thing I've ever been through. If I am so broken from this that I cannot trust again, that is going to be on me. That is going to be some more healing I need to do. Or, I need to stay single and not torment the next guy. Not everyone is a cheater. Most men on this earth would never have done to me what my XWH did to me, so to judge them all for his actions would be irrational.

Could I fall in love again and be cheated on again? Sure. If I have to make that assumption all through the relationship though, there's no point in the relationship for me. If I want to be happy with another person, I need to be able to trust someone who has not already shown himself to be untrustworthy. There are some amazing men out there who I'd be lucky to be with. If and when I start dating again, I will be dating as a person with a lot more wisdom this time around. I will choose more wisely. I have a better idea of what to look for.

There are reasons to stay and try R. The assumption that you're just too broken to trust again is NEVER a reason. The assumption that your next partner is as likely to cheat as your current one is NEVER a reason.

I have it in me to fight. Any curveball coming my way? My life will not crumble. Maybe that's why the fear has gone.

I agree 💯% with this.

There are reasons to stay and try R. The assumption that you're just too broken to trust again is NEVER a reason. The assumption that your next partner is as likely to cheat as your current one is NEVER a reason.

So true ^^^

[This message edited by Indiana43 at 4:39 PM, December 18th (Friday)]

I am on my way to get a Christmas tree....so I did not read all of the responses, but I wanted to chime in. You know that old saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"? That is kind of how I look at it. I think that full and complete trust is gone. I find myself trusting my FWH because his ACTIONS, consistently and over time, have have proven him trustworthy, but I do not forget who I am married to. On some level, the "watcher" in me is always monitoring his behavior, and I trust "the watcher's" gut. I accept the knowledge that my husband is capable of cheating. I understand the ramifications of this, that it may happen again. If he does cheat again, it is ultimately on me for staying and for accepting less than I deserve. I choose to stay as long as he is doing the work, being accountable and practicing rigorous honesty, but I am the priority now.