SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been lurking here for a few weeks. I have been looking at this topic and deciding if I wanted to respond.

I have had 3 major relationships in my life The first one I was the BS and it left me broken and damaged, even more than I realized. The second I was the WS. I never went looking for my AP but it happened when neither of us was in a good place. I know many will not be happy to hear this but my AP was and still is the best thing that ever happened to me. She challenges me to be a better person and helped me heal in ways I did not think I needed. We have been together for 12 years and we are still in a fully trusting relationship. This is not to say we do not argue. All relationships have their ups and downs and some days are harder than others. Many of you will ask why am I here then? Well like I said I am working on me being broken from the first relationship and understanding the hurt I caused in the second.

I have had 3 major relationships in my life The first one I was the BS and it left me broken and damaged, even more than I realized. The second I was the WS. I never went looking for my AP but it happened when neither of us was in a good place. I know many will not be happy to hear this but my AP was and still is the best thing that ever happened to me. She challenges me to be a better person and helped me heal in ways I did not think I needed. We have been together for 12 years and we are still in a fully trusting relationship. This is not to say we do not argue. All relationships have their ups and downs and some days are harder than others. Many of you will ask why am I here then? Well like I said I am working on me being broken from the first relationship and understanding the hurt I caused in the second.

Welcome. You'll find lots of friends in the Wayward group.

MANY years ago, I noticed a receptionist at my OBGYN's office that wore surprisingly revealing tops at work. The wardrobe was a pattern, not a one-off, since I was in the office every 1-2 weeks to see the variety of tops that made the trend consistent. She was young (20s), fit, and had a body that out-paced her face.

Within the year, she wasn't working there anymore but was pregnant and newly married to my now-newly-divorced OBGYN (a nice enough guy, but truly had been hit with the fugly stick and I would guess in his early 40s when this happened). The Dr. had 2 kids (junior high and late elementary school age) with his 1st wife.

Dr. and young 2nd wife had at least 3 kids together--one with serious physical and development disabilities. She seemed to be a SAHM and was great with the kids--attentive, patient, and playful when I saw her with them at our rec center. She stayed shockingly fit (even after 3 kids and probably 8 years). Probably could bounce a quarter off her abs and butt. He stayed portly, middle-aged, and not attractive (IMO). He was fairly smart, seemed to have a good sense of humor, and was obviously a great earner. They've moved to a new locale, but I always wondered if the relationship might have an expiration date once her hands were a bit less full with kids.

If I were him, I'd be afraid to introduce her to younger doctor friends....

josiep

I'm gaining hindsight and realize how not truly happy I really was. I'm not at all happy now and most days don't care if I get out of bed or not. But even though I'm not happy, I now realize how not unhappy I am.

I kind of feel the same way also.

Statistics show very few A relationships work out, but of course there will always be the odd exception.

We could put this down to any of the things other posters have already laid out, but surely it's really that at heart As are about fantasy and relationships are about reality.

It's why one AP often throws the other under a bus when an A is exposed - because the myth of A love is exposed to the light of reality and all those concepts of no consequences, or star crossed love, blah blah, get shown up for being built on sand.

As one WW said, it's not about loving the AP, but loving the reflection of yourself in their eyes.

Creating a new life with an AP is the ultimate exposure to reality - no more illicit meet-ups and secret calls, it's back to mortgages, jobs, putting the trash out, arguing about the kids' homework, etc. And a relationship built on a fantasy has very little chance of withstanding that.

Bs here. My ex wh left me for the AP. It hurt more knowing how happy they were. I saw them around town. I knew of their travels. It appears to be very different. They didn’t see each other often. Their trip was cut 5 days short. ???? She dumped him shortly afterward. It seems he’s still a cheater.

He has now gone through several other women. All with the same outcome. I have changed from feeling abandoned and unloved to feeling better off. Seeing his pattern. The hopelessness. It was a painful experience. But I see clearly now. It’s not what it seems.