SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Short answer no.

Theres always exceptions and whats kinda sad is most aps/ws think they are special and the exception don't they? Whats also kinda sad is a large proportion of cheaters aren't even looking for a new partner. Only an ego boost. So you have a proportion hoping for the fairy tale while the others chase the ego kibbles. It needs to have two looking for the happy ending to find each other and be at the same stage in the exit affair. And for them to then both work on their own personal issues that made them not deal with their issues in a healthier way, and then not bring their own traumas/triggers to the new relationship. The need to fix themselves to not break the new relationship irs a big risk for two people who have already proven themselves to be broken.

Some people who are broken are willing to work on themselves but usually it takes a massive turning point and motivation to do so. Like a d-day or threat of losing everything... going with the AP at that point in time is usually the easiest option as no questions to answer. Its probably tempting to make it feel worthwhile. No need to live with the shame and guilt- can shelf it and ignore it, justify your actions. Nobody is the villain in their own story. So this suits alot of cheats. So no reason to work on themselves because they take each other in the state they cheat in. So I'm highly sceptical they will be happy marriages..or happy people. More likely the shame of another failed relationship and age, perhaps pride means they just settle for less....hence stay in unhappier relationships.

My wh was told to go to his ap. He tried to act defiant back to me like a threat, panicking that I was cutting the ties. And when I didnt back down and said please go and calmly asked a few practical requests for our child and finances. He looked like I had gut punched him. He could only limply reply. That's not what I want....hmm well your affair would convey otherwise. But he was absolute he wasnt leaving for her. And the silly ap? Of course she thought he was the love of her life. Yet here he was with my blessing saying I wouldn't stand in the way and encouraging him to go. And it was the last thing he wanted even though she would attempt to fill the voids that were cracked wide open. And would be alot more fun than his heartbroken wife who was disgusted and angry with him. He maintains he would never have wanted her as a partner. Who knows. But he is adamant and with several reasons states why they wouldn't never have worked and his top one....I was married we cheated. No good comes from that.

[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 1:59 PM, December 17th (Thursday)]

Funny thing is, when I thought about this question, I don't know anyone that has cheated, left for their AP and stayed with them.

I agree with Tentwinkletoes. Most cheaters aren't really looking for a new partner as much as they are searching for ego kibbles. It takes ALOT to uproot your entire life and change it especially if you are in a long term situation with entertwined lives, kids, assets, financially etc. Most of the time AP's aren't worth it because it really isn't love.

Do some survive? Sure, but I would say most don't.

Yep, my dad's oldest sister left her first husband and only natural born child for her affair partner, who also left his wife and took two of his kids with him into the new marriage with my aunt. I did not know about this until my aunt's funeral. It was one of those "hidden in plain site" family scandals.

My dad's family is insanely dysfunctional. They let shit like this go on all the time. I did not know the truth until my aunt passed away four years ago, when this man I did not know showed up with his kids to her wake. He was crying over her casket and I was asking everyone "Who is this guy? I don't know him."

My older sister took me aside and said "He's our first cousin: Aunt G's oldest child." I then looked at my sister like she had sprouted a second head. She gathered myself and my younger siblings into a side room and told us the story about how Aunt G and "Uncle Bob" actually got together. All of us thought that her and Bob's children were HERS. Nope, that man who came to the funeral was Aunt G's only natural born child. He was born back in the early 60s. The kids that she and Uncle Bob raised were HIS from HIS first wife, who went crazy and later died in a mental ward... because of what Uncle Bob did to her.

It all made sense then. That answered the question I always had of why Bob's kids hated him and Aunt G when we were all growing up. In fact, both their kids ran away from home during their teens and never came back. No wonder. But again, my family didn't talk about it, and this secret was kept from us younger kids who were either too young to remember or not born yet when it all went down. Only my older sister knew and she was told not to talk about it.

Anyway, Uncle Bob passed in the mid 2000s and Aunt G passed away four years ago. So they were married for a good thirty-plus years or so. Aunt G's son was estranged from her from the time he was about 8 y.o. onwards. She apparently cut off all contact with him and his dad around 1972 or '73. I wish I could say "poor kid" but he was actually the lucky one, because when I talked to him later at the funeral reception he told me did well in life and became a success.

Anyway, that news all made perfect sense and I realized at that point why I never liked my aunt or Uncle Bob. They were both useless assholes who were always complaining about other people in the family and causing strife for no reason. They were two jerks spurring each other on. I guess they were content in their marriage because I never remember them fighting or bickering. Yet, they never seemed all that happy either.

[This message edited by Westway at 5:49 PM, December 17th (Thursday)]

My ex married his AP. She was trading up and he had to justify his bad behavior on her being a "soul mate". It lasted as long as she realized that he was boring (not into the bar scene). They lasted around 5 years, but I heard she was cheating on him at the end. She was actually spreading rumors that he was cheating too, but she definitely was (friends daughter was waitressing at same restaurant that she bartended).

She is a manipulative whore, he is a stupid weak man. wasn't going to last.

*shrug*

Are *you* happy?

Are *you* happy with the reflection you see in your mirror?

Are *you* happy with the person who is sharing your life?

And/or are you happy alone? Alone-ish? (lol, get yourself adopted by a cat, lol)

Who in the hell cares about the cheater in your rear view mirror?

Let them look after themselves... however *that* goes.

Not. Your. Problem. <3

Yep, my dad's oldest sister left her first husband and only natural born child for her affair partner, who also left his wife and took two of his kids with him into the new marriage with my aunt. I did not know about this until my aunt's funeral. It was one of those "hidden in plain site" family scandals.

My dad's family is insanely dysfunctional. They let shit like this go on all the time. I did not know the truth until my aunt passed away four years ago, when this man I did not know showed up with his kids to her wake. He was crying over her casket and I was asking everyone "Who is this guy? I don't know him."

My older sister took me aside and said "He's our first cousin: Aunt G's oldest child." I then looked at my sister like she had sprouted a second head. She gathered myself and my younger siblings into a side room and told us the story about how Aunt G and "Uncle Bob" actually got together. All of us thought that her and Bob's children were HERS. Nope, that man who came to the funeral was Aunt G's only natural born child. He was born back in the early 60s. The kids that she and Uncle Bob raised were HIS from HIS first wife, who went crazy and later died in a mental ward... because of what Uncle Bob did to her.

It all made sense then. That answered the question I always had of why Bob's kids hated him and Aunt G when we were all growing up. In fact, both their kids ran away from home during their teens and never came back. No wonder. But again, my family didn't talk about it, and this secret was kept from us younger kids who were either too young to remember or not born yet when it all went down. Only my older sister knew and she was told not to talk about it.

Anyway, Uncle Bob passed in the mid 2000s and Aunt G passed away four years ago. So they were married for a good thirty-plus years or so. Aunt G's son was estranged from her from the time he was about 8 y.o. onwards. She apparently cut off all contact with him and his dad around 1972 or '73. I wish I could say "poor kid" but he was actually the lucky one, because when I talked to him later at the funeral reception he told me did well in life and became a success.

Anyway, that news all made perfect sense and I realized at that point why I never liked my aunt or Uncle Bob. They were both useless assholes who were always complaining about other people in the family and causing strife for no reason. They were two jerks spurring each other on. I guess they were content in their marriage because I never remember them fighting or bickering. Yet, they never seemed all that happy either.

Yet another reason why SI needs a "like" button.

Are we related? LOL.

On a side note:

I personally came out of this same hardcore FOO and did my level best to marry into the exact opposite FOO: generations of 'We Don't Do Divorce.'

HEY! GUESS WHAT? THAT ONLY MOVED ME AT LEAST SEVERAL GENERATIONS BACKWARDS!

No, *THEY* didn't *do* divorce, BUT THEY PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE. WOULD HAVE BEEN ALGORITHMICALLY MORE HEALTHY IF THEY HAD.

*THEY* didn't do divorce,

and my husband and I didn't do divorce,

but my husband's siblings and many several cousins have *done divorce* several many times each.

Of all sorts of denominations.

I'm now working on and sorting out,

Which questions and life issues and damage and infrastructure and goals are *any* of us trying to sort out,

with marriage?

The Boss' wife/ bandmate is Patty Scialfa, not to be confused with punk poet Patti Smith

Now THAT is embarrassing! I'm a musical ignoramus, but even I knew this. My SIL would be appalled. Thanks for the catch!

marriageredux959

Yet another reason why SI needs a "like" button.

Are we related? LOL.

On a side note:

I personally came out of this same hardcore FOO and did my level best to marry into the exact opposite FOO: generations of 'We Don't Do Divorce.'

HEY! GUESS WHAT? THAT ONLY MOVED ME AT LEAST SEVERAL GENERATIONS BACKWARDS!

No, *THEY* didn't *do* divorce, BUT THEY PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE. WOULD HAVE BEEN ALGORITHMICALLY MORE HEALTHY IF THEY HAD.

*THEY* didn't do divorce,

and my husband and I didn't do divorce,

but my husband's siblings and many several cousins have *done divorce* several many times each.

Of all sorts of denominations.

I'm now working on and sorting out,

Which questions and life issues and damage and infrastructure and goals are *any* of us trying to sort out,

with marriage?

Some families just need to come to an end. Really, some DNA trees need to be cut down and taken out of the pool. My dad's family is one of them. An entire family of secret keepers. Nothing is ever dealt with. Wounds fester for decades and the puss builds up. The bones just keep piling up in the closets until more closets are needed. My dad's family is a house of bulging closets full of bones and oozing puss.

[This message edited by Westway at 9:28 AM, December 18th (Friday)]

My xH is still married to his AP but it's only been I think three years? Oh, and she managed to get censured for moral/integrity issues in her field and since they work in the same field I wouldn't be surprised if some splashed back on him too.

You reap what you sow.

I was exWH's first wife for 14 years. The relationship with AP did not last. They divorced after five years.

He left AP for his third wife, and it looks like they are doing ok, but you never know. They have been married for five years.

Is he happy with her? I don't know. It's possible. He's the type of person that has to document everything on social media.

I think this is the appropriate thread for this. So it's been over a year since my D Day and I moved out in June. My divorce is a few weeks away - I've given all the paperwork & money to the lawyer and he said it'd be 5 weeks (from Jan 1st) unless i wanted to expedite it for extra money ....

Whatever though.

So I was talking to my STBXW's Godmother, I touch base with her occasionally, generally we see how each other is doing. My STBXW's sisters cut contact with the Godmother and my STBXW is withdrawing contact. The Godmother and my STBXW had some conflict about my STBXW's life choices a few months ago and their relationship is 'strained' at best. That said, my ex is a manipulative assbag so who knows what is true - so the following is taken with a grain of salt.

Basically the Godmother last talked with my STBXW 2 weeks ago and as of that talk my STBXW's AP had blocked her on social media and stopped talking to her (as of three days prior). Seems he's upset that she had sex with me.

Not, had sex with me after D Day, but had sex with me at all. This, despite the fact that he knew she was married with kids. She's got to be dumb as shit if she's going to believe that line. It's clear that he got his validation and is ready to move on.

Anywho, this is stuff I told her would happen WAY back in January of 2020. I told her that he was only around for the thrill and that once everything settles he'll move on. She assured me she was a special snowflake and that this was different from any affair I had ever read about...blah, blah, blah.

So... I would say that I should get some lotto tickets because I have precognitive abilities but the reality is that cheaters and affair partners generally follow a pattern. The Godmother asked me if I was going to talk to my STBXW and essentially say something to the effect of 'I told you so'. I told her no, because I don't care...Because I don't.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Sometimes people marry the wrong people. Often times, I'd reckon.

I know of people who married their APs and lived <mostly> happily ever after. As happily as other non-AP-type couples, at least. In those cases, there weren't children involved... starter marriage, quickly and mercilessly ended.

I remember years ago, when I first got on SI, there was a poster who was still really messed up about her WH leaving her and marrying the AP. It happened 10 years prior to the posts I was reading. She was still trying to do everything in her power to mess up things for the "new" couple. After several pages of other posters imploring her to move on, get healthy for herself, get a life, with her getting more and more unhinged with every comment, I couldn't help but think, "damn, that guy dodged a bullet!" (and I'm a BS that generally despises any hint of infidelity!)

Not every marriage (without or without infidelity) is going to last. But if a person is unhappy in their marriage, they owe it to their partner to speak up before involving a third party.

Trapped74

I remember years ago, when I first got on SI, there was a poster who was still really messed up about her WH leaving her and marrying the AP. It happened 10 years prior to the posts I was reading. She was still trying to do everything in her power to mess up things for the "new" couple. After several pages of other posters imploring her to move on, get healthy for herself, get a life, with her getting more and more unhinged with every comment, I couldn't help but think, "damn, that guy dodged a bullet!" (and I'm a BS that generally despises any hint of infidelity!)

I get what you're saying but I'm not sure it's fair to say that the person dodged a bullet. Often times trauma changes a person, so the BS could have just never recovered and it's not fair to assume that without the infidelity they would have been a 'bullet' to dodge, you know?

That said, I think intensive therapy is required if they haven't been able to move on after 10 years.

Not every marriage (without or without infidelity) is going to last. But if a person is unhappy in their marriage, they owe it to their partner to speak up before involving a third party.

I completely agree here. If a marriage isn't working then the right thing to do is to end it, not commit infidelity.

While I believe the studies, I wonder if the amount of people cheating is why the success rate appears low. I'm in an infidelity support group on Facebook (perhaps fellow members are here, too) and it feels like all WS that leave have ended up with the AP. There are a few exceptions but it's certainly crushing when you want to believe the statistics. Now, of course, ending up together doesn't mean happy and we know that. But I'm still at the point that if he goes off and has a kid with her I will beyond heartbroken. I'm getting old to have kids and she's 24. I feel like it will happen, too. He didn't hesitate at all to leave me and on D-Day said he's her true love. His feelings just seem to be getting stronger. Anyway I hope if they do marry, it's unhappy. I don't see him ever getting help and she clearly needs help, too (24 and on her second married man).

TheSassiest20

While I believe the studies, I wonder if the amount of people cheating is why the success rate appears low. I'm in an infidelity support group on Facebook (perhaps fellow members are here, too) and it feels like all WS that leave have ended up with the AP. There are a few exceptions but it's certainly crushing when you want to believe the statistics. Now, of course, ending up together doesn't mean happy and we know that. But I'm still at the point that if he goes off and has a kid with her I will beyond heartbroken. I'm getting old to have kids and she's 24. I feel like it will happen, too. He didn't hesitate at all to leave me and on D-Day said he's her true love. His feelings just seem to be getting stronger. Anyway I hope if they do marry, it's unhappy. I don't see him ever getting help and she clearly needs help, too (24 and on her second married man).

I think it might depend on the timeline. So, my STBXW's AP ended things with her like maybe a few weeks ago, that would have been a year after discovery. I think the 'success rate' is looking at it a few years out.

If so, why not just leave your spouse cleanly and start what you think is an amazing relationship on an honest footing? Is it so much to ask? Why inflict so much pain on someone you may have loved at some point?

^^^^^ This is what I don't understand.

I think they want to have a safety net.

[This message edited by foolishlycluless at 8:17 PM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

Do wayward spouses ever end up happy with the affair partners?

Not that I am an expert on the subject but what I have witnessed is that any relationship that is built on a foundation of lies seem to end badly in most cases.

foolishlycluless

^^^^^ This is what I don't understand.

I think they want to have a safety net.

I think so too. Actually I think that, in my STBXW's case, she probably knew her AP was a dirt bag and would eventually ditch her when the affair was exposed...Which he did.

My XWW got married to her AP just recently after 16 years with him.

When he proposed, she cried. She cried because she hates him but she acted like they were tears of joy. She married him bc would have nowhere to go had she said no as she can't afford to live on her own, she has no friends or family that will let her live with them bc they all know how toxic she is. Even our 2 grown daughters won't let her live with them.

I got all this info from my daughters. She tells then constantly that she wished she hadn't cheated on me, that her AP is a horrible person. But the fact is if it wasn't him it would've been someone else. She's a serial cheater and has cheated on her AP a lot.

I love it that she's miserable.

My son-in-law's father cheated on his mother and has been married to his AP for 40 years now. They seem fine but truly, do we ever really know?

My XWH left for his AP and married her a year later and they seem happy together if Facebook is any reflection. And I think they actually are - she runs the show and he gets to go along for the ride (no effort required on his part) plus she absolutely adores him and treats him like a god. Kind of how he had it with me for 40+ years but it'll fizzle out one of these days sooner than later because I did everything the way he wanted it done and looking at the photos of their house and the decorating style and their travels, none of it is anything he ever liked or wanted even one teeny tiny bit. He's having to live a false life and it'll get to him eventually. He also went from wearing cargo shorts, carhartt t-shirts and crocs and always having a dog with him to wearing black shirts with black pants and shiny black shoes and a gold chain and they gave away their dog. He's the person he always disliked and always said not to trust. I might even feel a little sorry for him. But she's loving it all and milks their "love story" for all it's worth and get dozens of accolades every time she mentions it. I wouldn't be surprised to see them on Oprah or Ellen someday (if they still had their regular shows). But we all know it's just a big house of cards and deep down, he's not happy at all. I scrolled through his postings for the last 6 months and everything he said was a rant about other stuff, politics, car dealership ripoff, prescription filling hassles, etc. Not the sign of a happy man who is content.

Anyway, your question will have as many different answers as the number of people who answer it. Who's to say who's happy or not? I was happy when I was married to him and very unhappy when he left, living in the depths of despair for 3 years but now I'm gaining hindsight and realize how not truly happy I really was. I'm not at all happy now and most days don't care if I get out of bed or not. But even though I'm not happy, I now realize how not unhappy I am.

Making your head spin? If you like to spend your time perusing the mysteries of the universe, go for it. But you'll never find the answer you're looking for. You'll find lots of answers and every once in awhile one of them will seem like a true AHA! moment but then that moment fades away until it torments you again and you begin to think about and study it until you get the next AHA! moment. And so it will go until you recognize that you are an evolving person who is growing in strength and knowledge and peace and other good things and so the answers you find will only satisfy you until you reach that next growth plate.

And I'll send $100 as a donation to the charity of your choice to anyone who managed to read that and understands what I'm trying to say and can put it in words that make sense. It's as clear as can be in my head...... :)

[This message edited by josiep at 9:43 AM, January 16th (Saturday)]