SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Background: First D day was in May 2009 when I found out he had been having a two -year affair with a coworker. We attempted reconciliation only to find out in July 2009 that the relationship never ended because somehow, he felt he could keep that friendship going with her and when we had a heated argument he moved out and the same week he was with her again. Once he decided to end things for good, OW became very persistent so H got a restraining order and he eventually found another job and stopped drinking to show he was committed to making it work. Since October 2009 we have worked on the marriage. I have worked on it. I asked for a letter detailing events, and a timeline and he was never able to provide that to me. It took a lot of detective work for me to piece together a picture of what had taken place. He only admitted things if I found proof and it often took hours to get one piece of information. I felt like I was losing my mind. I went to IC and eventually went back to school and finished my degree and went back to work. I suffered from horrible PTSD, and often felt that he was not fully present. He seemed more committed to work and this caused problems for us. Fast forward to 2018, he started becoming distant and rude, I accused him of having an affair with the former AP and he denied it and said I was paranoid and that things would never work out if I continued to hang onto the past. In March of 2019 he asked if I would be willing to attend a MC with his IC therapist, I reluctantly agreed but soon after made the decision to trust he was telling me the truth. We started having date nights and I felt things were going well. Then I noticed the arguments were becoming more frequent and I felt like I was not a priority. He was short with me and seemed completely checked out. He would often storm out to the house. After Thanksgiving he told me he was leaving. I could not understand why, and he denied that he was having an affair. Our daughter had been going through intense therapy for depression and so I asked him to wait until after the holidays. He was reluctant but eventually agreed. My faith is very important to me, my vows are sacred. During this time, I prayed a lot. I sought out advice from my priest. I begged him not to leave. I felt humiliated because every time his reply was “no” that there was too much damage done by him and there was no way to fix it. He repeatedly denied having an affair. By the end of December, I was resigned that the marriage was over, and I packed my things and as I was leaving, he followed me and begged me not to leave. He said he had just realized he was not ready to lose me and that he was willing to do anything to keep me. The next day was amazing, we talked like best friends who had missed each other for months. We were getting ready to go to church when I received a message saying that my H was cheating on my and had been doing it for quite a long time. He noticed when my face dropped and when I asked him if he knew who or why someone would be sending me that message, he denied knowing anything about it. The messages kept coming with more and more details until he could no longer deny it. He had been involved an a new almost two-year affair with a new coworker. I told him I loved him and that I was willing to work through it if he promised to tell me everything. He gave me information without my having to ask too many questions. We went back to MC with his IC, and at some point, during that initial month I realized I had not shed a single tear. The OW continued to post messages claiming she was pregnant, and he denied that was true. I prayed a lot, and it was only through the grace of God that I was able to get through that period. When I threatened to tell her husband she quickly removed all the baby posts. I was able to find out she was not pregnant when several months later she posted (in her real account) a full-length picture of her and her husband. My husband seemed to have made a lot of progress and he constantly said how good he felt that there were no secrets left and that we were working on our marriage from the bottom up. He started to occasionally pray with me. I gave him the same requests: write a letter to tell me how he ended up taking that path again after seeing how damaging the first affair was and a timeline. He also promised to read a 52-page book the priest had given him.

That was last January, and yesterday I found out that so much of what he told me was a lie. He told me there was only 10 sexual encounters in two different places. His half-a$$ed timeline did not fit with some of the things he was telling me, and it was keeping me up at night. I asked him for a new timeline, and he kept procrastinating. I finally realized I could check his Google Map information and track where he had been the past two years. I found that the affair started five months before what he originally told me and that the places he was with her extended to cheap motels and her apartment (she had left her husband thinking he was going to leave me). It was too much, and I asked him to leave. It is not that the new information changes too much, but that I realize now that he purposely lied to me this entire past year, when he was saying he felt so good that there were no more secrets. He swore on my life and my children’s lives that he was not lying and yet he was lying the whole time. He saw the turmoil I was in when I would tell him that some things were not adding up and I was second guessing my sanity and he stayed quiet. He could have said “I have something to tell you” but instead he spun more and more lies to cover his lies. I feel like I do not even know him. He seems so evil. So willing to put himself first instead of putting my need for clarity first. I feel empty. I went back and read messages from days I know he had sex with her and on those same days he would send me messages about how much he loved me. He seems like a monster. I have been with him for 30 years. We were high school sweethearts. I feel so broken and unsure that I can ever forgive so much lying. I look back on the year and in that year I never got a real timeline, he never read the materials the priest provided. He did do IC with a new therapist who really seems to have helped him in some areas…but yet he continues to lie even when it was not necessary.

but yet he continues to lie even when it was not necessary

It’s time to stop focusing on your sham of a marriage and just focus on YOU.

Don’t ask questions - you know he will lie. You know he’s cheated. You have enough details to satisfy your need to know.

You can only change yourself or yourreaction to him.

He’s not going to change. It’s up to you to find your own happiness in life. With or without him.

I’d suggest without him - he’s a serial cheater.

I agree with 1stWife but I see you are posting in R. I am not in R but I experienced lots of lies and False R as you have. I was not able to get past the False R. My STBX also was not remorseful and not accountable.

It is very hard to recover trust even after one offense with a remorseful spouse. A serial cheater is a whole other level of issues and they are not your issues.

I suggest getting into IC and seeing a lawyer to explore what it would look like to be on your own. It doesn't look like your WS put in any work and just continues to drag you back into his insanity again and again.

This has been going on for over a decade and it depends on how much more time you want to waste or spend on him. I think you should focus on yourself and getting healthier. Take the focus completely off of him.

emptystill, you've been heard. Jeez, what a game you two are playing. He blatantly lies, you catch him, he admits the minimum, you negotiate, he swears to turn a new leaf, he lies, you catch him...

When I read a story such as yours here, I often wonder whether in fact you aren't addicted to the drama. Because I see absolutely nothing to suggest your life will change with him. Why should he change? Things are working just fine with his current strategy. Proof is that you accept it, with some yelling obviously into the mix. But that doesn't seem to bother him too much.

Here's a drill to practice...in response to every single thing he tells you (I didn't cheat, I want a hamburger for dinner) look him in the eye and tell him you don't believe. And mean it. For everything.

His strategy depends on you believing at least something, so he can manipulate you (and he's a master). Steal his power. Stop trusting anything he says.

Sending strength!

Emptystill welcome to the club you never wanted to join.

You do understand that your spouse is not a good man. He has willingly chose time and again to lie and cheat on you.

Please understand that YOU cannot fix this. You CANNOT love him enough to make him stop.

You CANNOT forgive him enough to make him get the real help he needs or for him to choose to change.

He is broken. You can NOT fix him.

At some point you have to decide is your worth, self esteem, sanity, life is worth ore than this. I get your vows and your faith mean a lot to you but you have to understand that God nor Jesus want you to be miserable and broken.

See an attorney. Learn your rights.

See your dr get full STD testing and make sure your blood pressure is ok and share what is going on and has been and ask for a referral to a therapist that specializes in trauma not infidelity (thats his isssue) and get an appt as soon as possible.

Kick his ass out of your bed and bedroom at a minimum. Check out the healing library upper left side of the screen. Read up on. The 180. Start protecting your heart, and your mind today.

Keep reading and posting here. Our collective knowledge will help you through this. Your H is an unremorseful manipulator and serial cheater. He will not change without some very real and serious consequences and even then I doubt it will stick.

(((((And Strength))))

OP, I am so sorry to hear your story. I do know how you feel after the countless lies and the efforts your mate invested in to hide himself. My only recommendations are to keep your chin up, accept that his actions aren't a reflection on you and make sure you learn to show yourself love.

Dear emptystill, Oh my your story was hard for me to read. So sorry you have had so many lies and so much betrayal. If you two want to reconcile the lies have to STOP! Reading through your story makes me sad for you. You both are in IC and it seems like if you both are trying, but there is something in him that is preventing him from open, honest and transparent communication with you. You both need to have many, many, many open, honest, transparent conversations and the hard questions have to be asked an answered. Do both of you want to reconcile? Praying both of you get peace!