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The AP wanted my life. She wanted him to tell her she was prettier than me, when they were intimate she wanted to know she was better than me.

From him, and I am sure this hurts him equally from my affair, it's more the stuff he told her about me. She knew all my business. A lot of the beginning of their affair was talking about mine. While he had every right to talk to someone about it, I wish it had been to IC or a friend or anyone. I feel that at some point he had to be using that with her as a greenlight to fuck. It makes me think if you can use my affair as leverage to get your own then how can you be outraged? I mean, yes, I understand how and why he was outraged. It's just it wasn't because his own integrity wasn't any better.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:18 AM, March 19th (Friday)]

Hikingout,

Ugh. Same in two respects.

My wife’s AP absolutely, no question about it wanted to step into my life. My wife’s AP was my best friend, the best man in our wedding, my sons’ godfather. He wanted my wife as his, my house as his, my sons as his. He spent a long time and made a lot of effort to lever me out and himself in. This was patently absurd, no one besides the two delusional lovebirds would have accepted this preposterous switcheroo of dad out and Uncle XX in.

Also, what may have been the tipping point for my wife to take their affair from long distance EA to in person PA was her (mistaken) belief that I was engaged in an affair myself. She shared this with him, became venomous toward me, poured it all out to him, and went to him and fucked his brains out for five days in large part to punish me and to justify her exit from our marriage. She returned from this fuckfest, took me to counseling, and confronted me with her accusation that I was engaged in affair. Seems like before she punished me for having an affair it might have been reasonable to at least accuse me of it, but whatever. She maintained for years that I had an affair. She even trotted that canard out after her affair had ended.

She never did leave me. He never did get the girl.

I still have the scars from the multiple lashings she administered.

I feel your pain.

Oh yeah, I was mocked...

The night I told him that I knew about the affair and asked him to leave the house he asked to sleep in the spare room and go in the morning when he made arrangements.

When I went to bed that night I was crying so hard that I started to gag and heave.

My M.O. was to get up in the middle of the night and go check his ipad for messages with OW because he had his iphone glued to his body. I saw messages that he was texting her while this was happening to me.

WXH: OMG she's throwing up now

OW: Should you go to her?

WXH: No. Pretty girl, she shouldn't keep everything in and hold grudges

OW: Butchy used to do that also

Yeah, you f-er. I am a pretty girl but what you did to me was not pretty. I have photos of these conversations between them locked away, unfortunately they are also burned into my brain.

Yup, Nothisfriend, I get it. Lucky for him he didn’t criticize me, at least in the texts I read. I would NOT have reconciled if he complained about me to Cockroach. The texts they exchanged right from the get go felt very transactional - you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. No "I love you" or anything like that. More like two affair chat bots exchanging pre-programmed false flattery. Each and every one of their ego kibble exchanges are burned into my brain. She sent him photos of herself ALL THE TIME. WTF? Remember, this was a scrawny 61-year-old gray haired woman sending thirsty selfies! Proof to me she’s well versed in the skill of online relationship fishing. FWH didn't send her any selfies. Folks our age, at least the ones I know, do NOT send non-stop photos of themselves! We’re not part of the selfie demographic. No ageism here – I’m 62 myself. Husband was a former high school boyfriend who knew her from way back when, so got the extra-added bonus (?) of old photos of her dating from high school up to present day.

Yes indeed, some things can't be unseen once seen. Especially one final ego kibble circle jerk where they exchanged naked pix (the only time) - smacked of desperation on her part IMHO. She knew I knew about her. Husband had re-established contact after ghosting her for 6 weeks. It was now or never - her chat bot had to reel that big fish back in:

HIM: Here are some photos of (insert name of country, city, venue) where I am today. (AREN'T I COOL? I GET TO TRAVEL. EGO KIBBLE REQUEST) I’ve been all over the world, but the most fun I ever had was in your (insert name of town). (EGO KIBBLE DISPENSE)

HER: Aww, I hope you can come back to (insert name of town) for some more fun soon (insert nude selfie pix). (EGO KIBBLE REQUEST)

HIM: You look so (insert complimentary wording) in the photo. I can’t stop looking at it (insert dick pix). (EGO KIBBLE REQUEST FILLED)

HER: I can’t stop thinking about you either (insert another nude selfie pix). (RECIPROCAL EGO KIBBLE REQUEST FILLED OVER AND OUT)

BTW, this was their last communication. Husband blocked her and cut off all communication shortly after. I’m not demonizing Cockroach, or blaming her exclusively. Husband is not an innocent lamb. He has agency. At each fork in the road he chose the route that led straight to her vagina. He used her as a human masturbatory appliance/ego kibble dispenser, which doesn’t speak well to his character either.

Even though their texts didn't bash me and there wasn't any lost soul mate crap going on, it still hurt like nothing I've ever experienced. He risked our marriage and potential exposure to STDs for THAT - a fantasy? Ego and d*** stroking from someone he barely knew? It amazes me that the two of them convinced themselves that they “knew” each other. Texting creates the false illusion of intimacy (duh); texting someone is not the same as being in a real life relationship. And hello, 43 years have passed since high school! They don’t have a clue who the other person is anymore. He thought she still was who he remembered her being. Hence, fantasy.

GAAAH. OP, thanks for the opportunity to vent! Venting does help to purge.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:34 PM, March 20th (Saturday)]

I hope you are doing ok. Your stbxw has no remorse for you because she has someone to fall on. I wouldn't be surprised that once you start a relationship with a new woman your stbxw's tune will change. Stay strong and keep the 180 going as much as you can.

It is especially revealing what Waywards say about you after they've been discovered and confronted, after their One-Night-Only Tony Award winning Ziegfeld Folly All-Star review D-Day performance of snot, tears, running mascara and hysterics complete with begging, pleading, vailed threats of suicide, clutching your ankle dragging them across the kitchen floor as you go for the car keys, chasing you down the street in their half open night gown, and only one slipper on screaming in front of all the neighbors that it, "Was all just a big mistake...I Love You-only you....Pleeeease give me another chance!!!!.!.!..!...!....

Then, the next day you catch em talking shit with their BFF about how they got this handled, how much of a pain in the ass you are, playing your pathetic victim card and how they're going to give you three months to get over this or they're gonna walk.

Ap messaged me just to tell me that I should come to his house so his roommates and him could kick my ass( he doesn't have a driver's license). He also told me that my wife told him I have a small penis.

I responded that he could borrow my daughter's tricycle if he needed a ride to my house.

Fuck that guy though.

I,was having a full-on panic attack after finding a cutesy message to yet another woman when we were supposedly trying to reconcile and he stood over me and mocked me for shaking, called me crazy and laughed at me. Yeah, fuck these monsters.

JanaGreen, I don't know if you are watching this anymore, but when I read that... I am so sorry. That is terrible!

Both my ww and ap would call me a dummy in their chat whenever i spotted something that she then struggled to talk her way out of.. I was a dummy for NOT trusting two low life POS, hell no..

I lost count of the number of times she called me a c**t in their chats.. But then expected me to believe the bs that she never stopped loving me.

Oh i know she did it to make sure in her head having an affair was ok.. That i was just a worthless husband/father/etc. But I realised soon enough which one of us had shitty self esteem issues.. And it wasnt me..

They will say whatever they can to satisfy themselves that the affair is ok.. They just never realised those words will stay forever.. I can do pretty much whatever i want these days.. She can never again say no to me.. The biggest difference between us is that i DONT do whatever i want, she did..

[This message edited by StrugglingCJ at 11:27 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]

My H came home and told me about his EA the night he kissed her. Of course I was blindsided.

He made it out to be nothing.

A few days later he is away and I borrow his iPad. I’m at a church meeting. We are searching dates for a follow up meeting. And there on his iPad is her birthdate in his calendar.

And I just knew the truth. This was not “nothing”. I had to sit there and pretend all was ok.

Drive home. Went through his iPad and saw everything. The birthday card he sent her. Their planned meeting to celebrate her birthday. All of it - the truth.

I tell him I know everything. His response is to come home a few days later and tell me he wants a D. He doesn’t want to be married anymore. And he was on a trip with youth from our church. I guess it was “God’s way of telling him” he “deserved to be happy” and all that crap.

Typical midlife crisis. Have an affair. Lie and cheat. Destroy your family. Yup that is what I did when I turned 50 (sarcasm).

He got a taste of his own medicine when six months later on dday2 I told him I was D him. Oh the crying and begging and pleading and promising and the “I love you” routine - that just made me more angry.

I was vicious. I still don’t know how we reconciled.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:32 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]

exwh planned a getaway to ribbon cut his project then continue on antiquing , down south. I love this . This was soon after I caught him cheating. AP called him and asked him if she could go with him. He quickly told me I had to stay home. And he was taking her instead. For the ribbon cutting. It was work after all. Then he laughed when I blew up. He never saw anything wrong with this.

I did go. Had a horrible time. She was everywhere. exwh cried. ???????

Our last year of marriage. It was really toxic. He cheated for ten months. He was so comfortable with it. He took her to company parties. Christmas. Etc. we were still living in same house. I was in IiCU with critically ill grandbaby. He brought her in our house. In our bed while I was gone. And laughed

He was completely cruel and toxic at this point. I was very ready to divorce. I didn’t need punishment by hobby

He is alcoholic Npd. In the end he couldn’t be cruel enough. There were no limits. Always laughing. Watching for me to cry