SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Everyone

I have been reading and trying to help others on SI for a couple years. I have never posted my story but feel my experiences can help others. Reading other stories have helped me understand the truth of my infidelity laden life.

I have been separated and in a false R with my serial cheating xW I have tried so hard to gain trust back with her (I do love her so much) but she keeps doing things like turning off location services, not answering calls and deleting texts messages. She refuses to come clean about her numerous affairs' so I have refused to let her move in. She works for me and is at my house much of the time, but lives 2.5hrs away.

Six weeks ago I was diagnosed with bone cancer and should live for several more years. To be honest her reaction and my daughters reaction was an overwhelming love and they hurt way more than I did from the news. I actually started believing my W love for me again and was ready to move her in and really R. The hope of having my W by my side as I die was scary (lack of trust) but wonderful.

Then comes Friday night (2-26-21) she called me at 10:00pm and we made anniversary plans. Our anniversary has been pasted over before, due a Dday dick pic sent to her, she was next to me on the way to our anniversary dinner leading to a massive LTA discovery before arriving at the restaurant. Something told me that she was "off" so I started looking at her location and calling, she would not answer starting at 11. At 5:30am I just could not sleep and decided to do something I have never done, I drove to her house, she's not there, so I drove to the dick pic guys house from three years ago.

Her car was their, my heart dropped, I hoped the hope that what I know was not true. Drove and parked my car a block away, started her car then knocked on the door. The door opened it was not locked! I walked in and found the bedroom, opened that door to find my W jumping out of bed naked with dick pic man naked on the other side. All I see now due to the angles of view is my W pubic hair and this guys naked bod right behind. He is and ugly man seriously ugly, truly looks like the pics of Satan you see. I know this doesn't matter but I am a well built handsome man, I could knock this skin and bones ugly man through a wall with a punch.

Why the hell am I so distraught over her cheating again. The hopium pipe was loaded with the idea of dying with someone I love taking care of me with love. This was far to predictable to be this mind fucked over.

I simply asked her naked ass as she scrambled for clothing, if having a husband with cancer made her horny or if she was ashamed. Then turned on my video to be sure I had something to pain shop with.

Walked out, drove off with her car (I own it). Got a ride back for my car.

She has been blowing up my phone to tell me she has been diagnosed as a sex addict and wants treatment. She has been telling her IC about all her cheating. She is a victim of CSA.

I am a damn mess, don't really have a questions, but WTF, she has literally nothing without me. Seriously have I just been a sugar daddy for 25 years. Should I listen to the sex addict stuff and help her like she is asking. She slept with an unusually ugly man, why, to lose her job, her car, her credit cards, cell phone, literally she has nothing now. This man does have a nice looking .... ya I have seen the pics. I was about to put her back in my will and be sure she was taken care of after I passed.

I have had so much infidelity pain in an otherwise amazing life, I was proud to die with my head high, I have given and built good things for society and my family.

BTW Thank You so much for the Christmas Cards I actually cried that strangers cared so much.

With all my love SI,

Organic2003

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 9:10 PM, March 6th, 2021 (Saturday)]

I'm sorry about your diagnosis, I would suggest you don't spend another minute with this serial cheater, she simply has no respect for you, ban her from your life, especially now when you need support from family and friends, not people stabbing you in the back with such a huge betrayal and lack of respect, really disgusting. I know it hurts but focus on yourself and people who truly love you and respect you, keep her out of your will, she doesn't deserve it after all she's put you through.

she has literally nothing without me. Seriously have I just been a sugar daddy for 25 years.

You seem to have a bit of an addiction to care taking and responsibility which are all good things except you will attract to someone who needs that from you. Your desire to take care of her and help her has caused you so much personal trauma. You need to think about, focus on, and pursue new people and relationships instead of so badly hoping she will change. Please save yourself from this abusive relationship. Let her go. Just let go.

I'm very sorry about your diagnosis and truly hope something can be done.

Sorry about your illness and please focus on healing and living.

I too walked in on my fiancé – only when I entered my apartment there was definitely some jumping going on but not to get out of bed…

I am all about reality. Unless there is a legally binding, firm prenup that will hold up then if you two are married then I strongly suggest you look carefully into your comments (both in the above post and in other posts) that indicate YOU own everything, and she has nothing. In nearly all countries and probably all states there is a definition of when property becomes marital property (wages, savings and pension included). Irrespective of your marriage and it’s chances of recovery or if you want to divorce or whatever… consult with an attorney to realize what your rights really are. If nothing else this can help you with the necessary but grim task of a will.

(Irrespective of health then everyone with a family should have a will and life-insurance)

It appears many cheaters once caught are suddenly diagnosed as “sex addicts”. Diagnosed by themselves. Suddenly they are experts.

I’m not sure you have anything to work with here. Is she remorseful? Is she going to try to face her issues?

Is her plan to stop cheating?

So sorry you are faced with all of this on a time where you really should he focusing on you.

Personally I'd make sure anything you have goes to the kids. Not her. For several reasons.....one being she is a grown ass adult and she should be more than capable of taking care of herself. Second because she has done nothing to be worthy of it.

I would ask your oncologist if they have a therapist that they work with for dealing with end of life issues. If not I would ask which hospice they prefer and contact them. They will have therapists to help you get some closure on your feelings.

Lastly try as much as you can to keep your focus on yourself.

I ALWAYS root for a happy ending, for redemption.

However, I do not see how your last years will be as good as they could be if you let this woman participate in them.

Google serial cheater.

I have a very different take on your sitch.

Your W is unfaithful, but you love her, she loves you in some way, and you've got a terminal illness.

D is a definite possibility. You have many unarguable reasons to D.

But so is staying M and continuing to accept what she will give you, whether or not she gets treatment. Personally, I think some variety of self-hate is what causes her to ruin your and her M, but I'm biased towards that explanation anyway. (IMO, an explanation is not an excuse. It's one thing to cheat and work on oneself to change self-hate into self-love. It's quite another to cheat, say it's from self-hate, and then cheat again.)

Another approach you might take is to figure out why you stay in this limbo. I don't think it's healthy for you. I think it's caused you a lot of pain, and I'm very sorry for that. Perhaps it's time to end it by choosing D or accepting your W as she is.

I'm very sorry about your diagnosis, and I'm very sorry your W continues cheating.

As for what you should do about your W and your M - my reco is to figure out what you want to do and do it.

I have to agree with Marz. Your XWW has not taken the necessary steps to be a safe partner. If she was a SA as she says, she could have told you that PRIOR to finding her naked with another man. She could have asked your for help PRIOR to being caught. She didn't. She may have feelings for you, but not enough to change from her selfish habits.

I'm sorry, but I think you will save yourself a lot of pain by cutting her out of your life and focusing on relationships with people you can trust.

Really sorry to heal about your cancer. As heartbroken as you are, just focus on recovery. You need to D your wife and like has been stated, provide for your kids in a will.

I'm so sorry, Organic. Adultery is always terrible, and the stories we hear are always awful, but damn. This is just beyond the pale. For her to get your hopes up like that, now, when you're already dealing with so much. It just breaks my heart for you.

I can't give you any advice. You'll need to decide what's important to you and what isn't. But I do recall Ohforanewme, and how even though his life was very short after getting out of infidelity, it was also very happy. Remarkable things CAN happen. And they start with YOU.

Peace as you process.

Sorry to hear about your condition. I hope any treatments work far better than expected.

I too agree with sisoon. I think that you need to look at why your are staying in this limbo. You can't help her, and even if you could, you shouldn't. She has to want to better herself. Call it FOO; call it self-hate; call it sexual addiction. ALL of these can be treated if the person wishes to do so. Your wife's actions up to current have shown you that she does not wish to. At the very least, I think that it would do your mental health well to investigate why you feel that you need to save her.....other than her being a partner that you love.

Should I listen to the sex addict stuff and help her like she is asking.

NOOOOO you shouldn't.

I don't necessarily think that sex addiction doesn't exist, but in my opinion a lot of cheaters use it as an excuse for their deplorable behavior.

You deserve for the rest of your life (which I hope will be a lot longer than you expect) to be as amazing as the previous part of your life was, and you deserve - and can still find - an amazing partner to spend your life with, one who will NOT cheat on you.

Your wife, like other cheaters, is self-centered, selfish, a liar. Her sex life is more important to her than YOUR actual life.

In 2015 I was diagnosed with a really serious lung disorder. This coincided with my now former husband's choice to pursue an affair with a coworker. I was out of town, had asked him why a quick drop-off to her office ended up lasting three hours, and he blew up at me. He accused me of questioning his integrity, and then he left me for two full months. And guess what, my suspicions were spot-on. He didn't care that I was sick. He only cared about getting this other woman into bed. That was more important to him.

I did the pick-me dance, had no home for two months, was completely ghosted by my own husband as he tried to get into a coworker's pants - all after being diagnosed with a scary illness.

After two months, it finally sunk in to my husband that the woman he wanted did not want HIM, so he came back home to his old faithful, me. He didn't love me, but being with me was better than being alone. And he continued to betray and mistreat me until our final ending in 2018, when he again met someone who he thought could slide right into my spot so that he would have no gap between relationships.

I tell you this because your wife, whether she is just a selfish cheater or a cheater with a sex addiction, is never going to be what you need during this most stressful time of your life. That will cause you more pain than you need to be dealing with in conjunction with your illness. It might even shorten your life.

Please leave this horrible woman. You have time to meet someone new, or to just meet new friends who will surround you with more love and companionship than your faux wife will.

You deserve better. We all only have one life, and none of us know exactly when our last day will be. Don't waste another day of your life on this woman. ((((Hugs))))

hell no man. Better update that will of yours and give everything to your kids or donate it to charity. I would not listen to her at all.

If you go to the I Can Related thread, you'll see that the SA are just like the AA folks. Its really difficult to come out on the other side without extensive work. The problem you have is that you have limited time left on this earth. You don't want to spend it with a cheating SA, that will probably not fix herself before you pass.

You can find anyone, your kids to be by your side. Anything is better than a lying cheat. Go see your priest, depend on the people from Church. If you don't believe in God, find other people. Just don't waste more of your final days on this lying cheat. Live the rest of your life with your head held high. Spend it with your kids.

Sex addiction is not an excuse!!

She may very well be a sex addict, but that is not a reason to repeatedly betray you. There are ways for her to have sex every day if she wanted to, even multiple times a day, without betraying someone - just don't get married!

Their brains don't operate normally. Sex/masturbation/sexual thoughts are how they emotionally regulate. It's a really fucked up coping mechanism. Like an alcoholic who can't even have a sip because one drink will turn to a bottle, a sexual image or even a fleeting thought can take them down a rabbit hole that is hard to climb out of.

I do believe in rehabilitation, but it takes an astronomical amount of work on their part, a whole lot of dedication. They have to rewire their brains. It's not that it's impossible to do, it's just you're trying to reprogram a lifetime's worth of habits.

Sex addiction is very real, and I feel for sex addicts, I do, but just because I have empathy for their situation doesn't mean I need to subject myself to their abuse. Your vows did not include any promises to be her emotional punching bag.

Wow, Organic, what an unfortunate string of news. I’m sorry about your diagnosis and wish you the best.

I don’t know if you’re religious or not, but the sequence of events described above certainly seems like Someone (God, the universe, whatever) wanted you to know exactly who you were dealing with. Use what you know to make the best decision for you. We all get a limited amount of time on this earth, and you know that all too well.

I think the fastest path out of this shit show is D or NC if you’re already D (you call her you xW and say you are separated in your initial post, it’s a little confusing). Since time is of the essence for you, don’t delay a decision too long.

The h Organic,

I am sorry about your diagnosis.

Don’t invite that snake back into your life

D she really needs help, that’s between her and her therapist

Im so sorry this happened to you, ill be honest you will always have a cheating promiscuous ex wife . But Is she a good person besides the cheating ? If she is then cut her out of your will but give her a generous monthly allowance as a caretaker

As your paid caretaker /employee she should work for you 9 to 5 around your needs , companionship groceries etc .. but you should completely understand that your relationship ends at 5 pm .

After 5 pm you should just give her your blessing and let her start having sex with other men which is what she will do anyway but at least there will be no deceit this way .

Even if she was a complete trickster to you and just saw you as a wallet - that doesnt change who you actually are . A successful loving wonderful man , you have every reason to be proud of yourself :

I am not saying this to absolve her but i do believe she is an addict . Addicts dont want to be addicts but they often cant find a way out . And SA typically remain lifelong manipulative liars who feed off other peoples good will and always find a way to hurt and disrespect the people who love them .

Either employ her or dont , but please be clear - she is not wife or family material

[This message edited by siracha at 8:24 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday)]

Hi Everyone,

I am blown away at ALL of you and the thoughtful responses. Exactly one week ago today I am a half hour away from walking in on my ex wife (we were trying to R) with another man. 8:35 am Saturday 02-27-21.

Not sure how to clarify our relationship, we have D, I had to D her a few years ago for cheating, in order to use the prenup that we had. We have been together with her insisting she has been faithful and expressing her desire for us to live together again. I have been reluctant to have her move in and give up her rented home. Hell she was setting up side by side burial plots so we would be together forever! Ya LOL and so much more.

The responses I received all deserve a direct reply, but my headspace this week was the worst I have endured in my life. I think if this is the worst thing I must endure, I should actually be grateful as I think about others who deal with trauma on unimaginable levels. I actually am a man with amazing children, brothers, sisters and mother. So many blessing in my life.

I have let my work slip badly this week and clients are going to be jumping if I don't get it together for Monday.

I will give an update soon on the rabbit hole I dug into this week and respond to everyone's reply's. I have read and reread all of them multiple times.

I must work today and tomorrow but I should figure out how to slow down, that is something that I don't do well. I find joy in work, to a level that is probably not healthy.

My Love to ALL,

Organic2003

PS. CT you have no idea how much you mean to me.

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 8:45 AM, March 6th, 2021 (Saturday)]