SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey a1234567. I hope you are doing ok. Sorry that you're going thru this. I can only imagine. You should buy the guy who told you a beer.

Do your ww know that you plan to divorce her? How is her reactions in all this? What has she been saying? Doing?

Thanks all for sharing your experiences and advice for getting back into dating. It helps. I plan to take it slow. Probably won’t even look at dating until the divorce is completely finalized which is likely months away.

Regarding what WW knows and is doing, so far she has been the model remorseful WW. She has respected all boundaries I’ve set, not done any blame shifting, generally been quite reasonable. I only hear from her on my own terms. I have to see her tomorrow in person for logistical reasons (also my idea); it will be the first time since I found out about the extent of the affair. I intend to tell her then that I want a divorce.

I had sort of a pre-divorce phone call with her yesterday, where I told her I would feel safer moving my half of our shared money out of our shared checking account, and told her she was welcome to move her half as well. She wasn’t happy about it but she agreed to it. I imagine that the divorce conversation won’t come as a shock after that. I have to say though, despite my disgust with her behavior, I still love her and I’m a little concerned my resolve will waver when I see her in person. And yet, I feel it’s the right thing to do to deliver the news in person. Her remorse and reasonableness has not earned her R but I think it’s at least earned her that much.

I am hoping the contrite creature I’ve been talking to is the real her and not a manipulation. Had I not read some of the other threads here I would be sure it was real. Now I worry I’m capable of completely misreading the situation as it seems many BS do. I imagine I will find out quickly when I tell her I definitely want a divorce. Having my money secured sort of limits the damage she can do me now though. Her family and mine all know the real reason for our separation, so any after the fact slander isn’t likely to work. Anyway, that’s about the state of things. I’ll post an update after the D conversation.

[This message edited by a1234567 at 7:18 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]

Good luck with the meeting.

Remember that you have to do what is in YOUR best interest. There is nothing wrong with cheating being a deal breaker for you.

Good luck, stay strong, and remember that you will get through the Hell that she put you into.

Be careful. I would urge you to get a VAR and take it with you if you feel you must meet in person (check your state’s law but it is usually legal to record an in person conversation).

Unfortunately there are too many cautionary tales about WW’s creating false domestic violence charges (or alleging fictional “emotional abuse” as we recently saw with another betrayed man).

They can act like cornered animals if they realize the jig is up.

It happens often enough that extreme caution is warranted.

Thanks @Newlifeisgreat , I think I've got the strength. I have to remember I'm the only one looking out for my well being, I know she isn't.

@Thumos, the idea of surveilling her in that way feels bad to me, but you're probably right. I read poor Absolon's story in the thread 'perception vs truth' in this forum. I will say my WW has not done any of the gaslighting or rug sweeping or outbursts that he experienced, so I do expect that things will be civil. That said, I am trying to stay prepared for the possibility that my instincts are wrong about her. They were certainly wrong in the past. It's probably better to have the tape and not need it, than to need it and not have it. Gross.

I hate that this is my life now.

a1234567,

I think that we we sometimes post statements such as "just divorce ", like it was as easy as changing a tire. After all, it makes perfect sense and we know where you are coming from.

But it’s a hard discussion. Plan for some support from friends and family.

One day at a time...

@Thumos, the idea of surveilling her in that way feels bad to me, but you're probably right. I read poor Absolon's story in the thread 'perception vs truth' in this forum. I will say my WW has not done any of the gaslighting or rug sweeping or outbursts that he experienced, so I do expect that things will be civil. That said, I am trying to stay prepared for the possibility that my instincts are wrong about her. They were certainly wrong in the past. It's probably better to have the tape and not need it, than to need it and not have it. Gross.

I understand. A lot of people have said that and then wished they'd had the VAR later.

You're not surveilling her. You're just documenting the conversation so she can't claim it was something else. It's a safe bet given she's already proven unreliable and untrustworthy.

And you would be surprised at how often a WW turns on a dime after having previously been a mess of snotty tears.

the idea of surveilling her in that way feels bad to me

Surveillance suggests gathering information about what your wife does/says when you're not around.

You're allowed to record a conversation that you are a part of. That is simply a prudent practice that creates a record of what you yourself have said, so that she cannot later put words in your mouth.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 1:35 PM, May 4th (Tuesday)]

a1234567 Assume the worst and plan accordingly.

The VAR is a good idea. You should also consider meeting with her in a public place or taking a witness along.

I had sort of a pre-divorce phone call with her yesterday, where I told her I would feel safer moving my half of our shared money out of our shared checking account, and told her she was welcome to move her half as well. She wasn’t happy about it but she agreed to it.

Your heart is in the right place but this was an error. There is no harm in having told what your intention was but you should have informed her after the fact. Moved your share of the money first, then advise her. It is not uncommon for a wayward spouse to empty the bank accounts if they know divorce is on the way. This error however can benefit you regardless. You have set the expectation that you will communicate with her first before taking action.

You should not assume your wife will remain reasonable or cooperative as the reality of divorce sets in. DO NOT assume you wife will show you the same courtesy and consideration you have show her since the affair was exposed. Going forward unless you have all your legal and financial affairs in order I would not tell your wife your intention to divorce. If you have not spoken to a lawyer yet I would not advise your wife you intend to file for divorce. Make all your preparations first, then act.

You may think this is taking it too far. Your wife has kept this secret and who knows how many others from you and for how long. You are better off taking as many precautions as you can. Act when you are ready and tell her after the fact. Lie to her if you must to keep her reasonable. You may feel uncomfortable over this. How long has she lied to you? She did not confess her affair to you. A stranger exposed the affair. You have not likely met the real woman you are married to.

Your wife for the moment is off balance. Like all cheaters she did not expect to get caught. She also has not expected to suffer consequences. Not all of the consequences have landed yet. You should assume like every other cheater that she expects she will be able to convince you to reconcile. Perhaps your wife is sincere in her remorse and desire to remain married but you should not assume so unless you wish to risk being blindsided. Act in your own selfish best interest. Your wife did and that is how you are here now.

I wish that I had recorded convos with my XWW, just because when you are in the middle such intense conversations it's hard to recall what was said.

In fact today I would just plop down my phone on the table with a recording app running. No need to hide it.

Thanks all for the advice, I will make arrangements to record our meeting for my own protection and records.

Your heart is in the right place but this was an error. There is no harm in having told what your intention was but you should have informed her after the fact.

Regarding the above, I can certainly understand why you'd make that recommendation but I had planned to handle it that way and my lawyer advised me not to. We don't have a huge estate to divide, and a legal battle would drain a significant amount of the money we have to split. This is actually the thing that gives me the most hope for a cleanish break: it is in her direct financial interest not to fight me on the divorce. We'll be spending money I can easily replenish for myself, while she is going to have a harder time with that.

I was not naive however, I had the transfer request up on my computer while I had the call, and put it through the moment WW agreed. I appreciate that everyone here is coming from a place of having read how many WS seem reasonable until they aren't and is advising caution to protect me. I promise that I am thinking about the worst case scenario at all times, but trying to present a face of expecting the best to WW.

For what it's worth, WW took out exactly as much as I did, leaving about 20% of our assets in the shared account to cover our shared expenses, exactly as we discussed. I think that is pretty promising. She would have to be stupid to not suspect that D is coming at this point, but she did not choose to fully empty the account, which she could have easily done.

I don't think that makes her a saint or that I should trust her again, but it's enough for me to think it's not foolish to hope for an orderly D rather than an ugly one. I still have the ugly game plan top of mind though.

Your wayward wife is probably on the hopium kick. Thinking she is entitled to a second chance and not really believing you would actually divorce her and that it’ll all work out.

You mostly see this mentality with BS’s trying to R with a remorseless wayward. It’ll all work out.

Has she told you about the affair in detail? What they did, where etc? Why she did it? Were "I love yous" exchanged? Did she do anything with him that she did not do with you? Did they use protection or were you exposed to danger? Did they badmouth you?

I had the transfer request up on my computer while I had the call, and put it through the moment WW agreed.

A very nice work around to what your lawyer advised you to do.

I don't think that makes her a saint or that I should trust her again, but it's enough for me to think it's not foolish to hope for an orderly D rather than an ugly one. I still have the ugly game plan top of mind though.

No it is not foolish to think but unwise so early into the process. Your wife agreeing to move money is no real guarantee of anything. The money can just as easily be moved back. You will see how agreeable your wife remains after you serve the divorce papers. Then there is the divorce process itself which can be filled with delays intentional or procedural.

The best way to sell a lie is to mix truth into it. The best way to sell a false reconciliation isn't that much different. Waywards go through the motions while they search for ways to delay or prevent the divorce. Be on your guard.

First of all, I am truly sorry you are here. But glad you found it. Many of us did not until way after the early stages of knowing about an affair.

Can I add that you are super fortunate that someone told you? There are multiple threads on here about people wishing someone had sent them an anonymous note, come up to them, Sent an FB message with the info about the truth in their lives.

I will say and I believe that you have to want to save the marriage if you attempt Reconciliation. I did and do. I could care less if someone judges me for staying. I don't judge anyone for deciding it's a one and done. No one here lives your life (obvi). If(and who would argue with you) you feel that an affair early in your marriage when you were not getting her very best self is a hard stop-then do that. If you feel you can't think straight and need time, that's OK too.

Heed all the advice about the 180, No contact, a timeline, a real and true commitment that yours is a monogamous marriage etc...That advice is all solid. But none of us are coming over to your house to keep you company, snuggle, watch a movie and none of us have any idea of what (if any) amazing things existed/exist between you and your spouse.

Truly Godspeed. I dearly wish someone had told me about my H's affair. You're a lucky man in that respect but we all know the shitty hand you have been dealt otherwise.

edited for clarity

[This message edited by JulyDD at 4:05 PM, May 4th (Tuesday)]

Everyone, I just want to pause and say sorry if I miss individual comments, this experience is still overwhelming. I'm really grateful for everyone in the community who has taken the time to share their perspective and experience. It makes me feel more supported than I could have ever guessed. Thank you.

Your wayward wife is probably on the hopium kick. Thinking she is entitled to a second chance and not really believing you would actually divorce her and that it’ll all work out.

@Marz This seems likely. The big question is how she reacts when she finds out that's not the case. I am preparing for cornered animal, but hoping for a human resembling the one I knew. Time will tell.

Has she told you about the affair in detail? What they did, where etc? Why she did it? Were "I love yous" exchanged? Did she do anything with him that she did not do with you? Did they use protection or were you exposed to danger? Did they badmouth you?

@Talisman I have gotten an STD test and am clean, no way to know if that's because she was careful or lucky (she claims careful but I have my doubts). Much of this ground is covered in the thread, but basically I know enough to leave, why get more ammo for my mind movies?

Can I add that you are super fortunate that someone told you? There are multiple threads on here about people wishing someone had sent them an anonymous note, come up to them, Sent an FB message with the info about the truth in their lives.

@JulyDD Yes indeed. Many have made this point at some point in this thread and I have not really addressed it, but it's so true. That man saved my life. There's some irony there, in that I didn't think much of him when he approached me. He was clearly drunk, and missing his front teeth, and frankly did not seem like a reputable person. But because of his selfless act of compassion and bravery, I'm getting free. I have no idea how long I would have been fooled otherwise. Maybe forever? Many have said I should buy him a beer, but I'm thinking a bottle of whiskey. I just have to get my nerve up to go back to the bar where it happened to track him down. I only know him by his first name.

One other thought I’d like to share as I sit here ruminating on this thread, and my life, and the other experiences I have read about here since finding this community.

I think part of what makes this process so difficult is that it requires us to dismantle a fiction that we’ve made central to our lives: that our spouse is a unique and uniquely good person.

I am reminded of the calypso from Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle:

A lover’s a liar, to himself he lies

The truthful are loveless, like oysters their eyes

but I'm thinking a bottle of whiskey.

New chompers!

New chompers!

Ha! The new career isn't going that well.

Just wanted to wish you luck with the meeting today.

If it isn’t too late, I’d like to suggest that you send her an agenda did the meeting so that you can stay focused on the issues at hand. If she deviates from the agenda, tell her that that is not something you will be discussing today. And MAYBE it can be discussed at a future meeting.

Good luck, stay strong, and definitely expect the unexpected!!