SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was very lonely at first. Staring at the walls. But then I reminded myself that I had an active, happy life as a single man before meeting her. I tried to find that man again.

This makes a lot of sense. I don't even know where to find that man, but I guess I've got to go look.

After you told her about divorce, has she been showing great emotion about the harm she caused to you, continuously been apologizing, begging for a second chance, etc.?

She absolutely showed great emotion about the harm and apologized profusely. She's been doing that every time I've spoken to her. She also made it clear every time I talked to her that she wants to work things out between us. I take that at face value. Is it possible part of her thinks this is for the best too? Sure, but I don't really have any reason to think that.

I would suggest you try to keep yourself busy, with friends, hobbies, sports, whatever you can find. Keep your mind busy on other things.

This seems like solid advice. Hard to feel motivated to do much of anything, but I'll keep working on it.

Also, you don’t have to go scorched earth. You can divorce amicably, I have done so, it worked for me. I figured that if I keep on hating my XWW, I’m the one living with those negative feelings.

This is exactly how I feel about it. My attempts to understand and forgive my WW are presents to myself, not absolution for her.

I would suggest you try to keep yourself busy, with friends, hobbies, sports, whatever you can find. Keep your mind busy on other things.

Keeping busy works for a bit, but that's just a distraction.

Accomplish something that makes you feel good about yourself. Get in shape and set a PR in some athletic event like an Olympic Tri or some such. Or get your band together and play some gigs.

In other words, make goals in things that are important to you, focus on them, and accomplish them.

All I can add is that you stay the course. You have a relatively short marriage with no children. Starting over will never be easier. Good luck and stay strong.

How does everyone else deal with the pain of being alone again after you thought you found your person? I am struggling.

The day I D my WXH, I still loved him and he was begging me to give him another chance. Luckily we could go true NC as we had no kids. When we D, I had no friends as he'd slowly become my everything (not healthy, but I didn't realize what was happening at the time.)

I ran a lot, and I said yes to every invitation that came my way. I joined a book club via a local bookstore (turned out that was not for me). I joined a local beer club (much more fun! Met tons of friends there.) I took painting classes, yoga classes, etc. I turned strangers into acquaintances and acquaintances into friends.

With covid, I imagine things might be more difficult than they were when I was going through this 9-10 years ago, but there are so many people out there who want more friends, so you just need to find some who are compatible with you :)

There is a Fear vs Reality thread stickied at the top of the D/S forum. All of us who went down this path had fears, and in almost every case, our lives turned out better than we ever could have expected or imagined. Before I M my WXH, we had so many talks about how people in my family don't get divorced. This was not even anything I could have imagined happening in my life. But it did, and ultimately I'm convinced that my life is so much better than it would have been had he remained faithful and we were still married.

You'll get there too. You've got this.

Thank you to everyone who has responded, just reading your posts is making me feel less alone. The night I had posted about struggling I had gone to a bar and drank by myself. It wasn’t my regular bar, as that’s where POSOM works, and I don’t think I can ever go there again. The folks at the bar were nice, but it was SO lonely.

The last couple of days have been hard, but I’ve felt much less alone. I’ve made an effort to reconnect with old friends and I’ve been gratified by how eager they’ve been to reciprocate and how supportive they’ve been after hearing about what I’m going through.

@phmh are we living the same life???

Your post is so profoundly relatable. I too let many friendships fade and allowed my WW to become my whole world. I realized on DDay that I didn’t have any close friends in the city where I live, and that realization was nearly as devastating as the revelation of my WW’s infidelity. I read your fear vs. reality post too, and the parts I’ve gotten to so far have played out exactly as you describe.

I really needed to read this today. WW came over today to talk about how we’re going to split up property. The meeting went as well as one could possibly expect, she agreed to basically all terms I wanted. I’m going to be in better shape financially than I was imagining because of some concessions she was willing to make. She was kind, remorseful and reasonable. It almost made me doubt my decision. Here is the woman I thought I was married to!

And yet. When I step back to reflect, all of my reasoning for wanting to D still holds true. Reading your post is helping me to have the courage to stay the course, as @src9043 put it.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I never imagined I would be part of a forum like this, or that I would get so much out of it. It really is the best community I never wanted to be part of.

[This message edited by a1234567 at 7:44 PM, May 8th (Saturday)]

Do not falter though. Though it may be true that the one you loved might finally show herself but you need to cast away that which once was.

Take away the responsibilities, the assets, the money, essentially all the items that promotes dependency, THEN see her for who she really is. At that time, all will be different and you will be given a new set of choices and decisions to make that will impact your life forever.

Heal up and move forth. Id love to hear more from you about the aftermath and the rest of your journey.

Hurry to the finish line while she is still being reasonable.

Just an update, I've been posting more about my story in the divorce/separation forum under the title Separated and Hating it (I was feeling down when I started that thread, feeling a bit better as I type this).

Of note, re: the last advice on this thread -- my divorce petition goes in today. In my jurisdiction that means I'll be legally done in 60 days. Obviously there's a lot of feelings there but mostly feeling excited to be moving forward right now.

Hang in there and stay strong!

You will get through this hell that she has put you in, and you will be shocked just how amazing the other side is!