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Just wanted to wish you luck with the meeting today.

If it isn’t too late, I’d like to suggest that you send her an agenda did the meeting so that you can stay focused on the issues at hand. If she deviates from the agenda, tell her that that is not something you will be discussing today. And MAYBE it can be discussed at a future meeting.

Good luck, stay strong, and definitely expect the unexpected!!

Thank you, @Newlifeisgreat for the well wishes. Luckily, it seems I was right, my WW's contrition seems to be genuine. I did record our meeting, but I didn't need to. I told her I wanted to D, she cried, said she was so sorry and she didn't want to hurt me anymore, and that she wouldn't fight me if that was what I needed. We talked a bit more, the details of which don't warrant going into here, but in essence we resolved to be kind to each other through the process of D. She packed up some more things and went back to her parents' house.

I am eternally grateful for all the advice and support I've gotten here. I understand that to many here, you will see shadows of deceptive WS who are out to manipulate and hurt, but she asked for nothing other than kindness, and showed me nothing but that as well. I know some will think I'm being duped, but I am confident that I'm not. I thank everyone for their concern, the other stories on this forum show it is well founded. I think I am in the "lucky" camp in that my WW seems not to be out to hurt me any further. Obviously it's possible that time will show different, but I am far less scared of that possibility than I was 24 hours ago.

I probably won't post many more updates except to respond unless something of more interest happens. I think I'm at the end of the first stage of this thing.

That would be a great outcome. Hope it continued to go well for you.

@ButfortheGrace

Are you willing to spend your life in a marriage with not-great sex, PLUS always knowing that she fucked another man behind your back and lied about it for years? I guarantee you that when you stare yourself down in the bathroom mirror in the morning, even years from now, if you're still married, this will cross your mind.

How can you guarantee how anyone is going to feel, especially years from now? I am blown away at the casualness that some have in advising others on their lives. I know men and women are different. I can guarantee you that I don't look in the mirror in the morning and think about all the years my FWH spent fucking an OW, though, and I know many men that have successfully reconciled that don't feel that way, either. We look in the mirror and are happy with ourselves and the choice we made.

a1234567 you have gotten a lot of great advice and a lot of advice from very jaded people. Please keep that in mind. Your d-day wasn't even a month ago. Take some time to think about what you really want. I am not telling you to not divorce, that is your choice, of course. It sounds like that is what you want. I still suggest you give it some time to just wrap your head around all of this. Maybe go to an IC to bounce off some of your feelings (they can be a lot more objective than wounded people).

BTW, my FWH fucked an OW for 7 years or so. I didn't find out until 6 years after he ended it. (You can read my story in my profile, if you like) He did become a somewhat better husband in those 6 years, but he really didn't change until the LTA was exposed. Then he put in the effort and I am glad I gave him a chance. Not suggesting you need to give your WW a chance. Just sharing a part of my experience. I gave him a chance for multiple reasons. We have children and one was still at home, I am older and had a lot more emotionally invested in our relationship, and I loved him a lot, still. You do not have those investments.

Wishing you peace and serenity on your healing journey, @1234567.

P.S. Dating? OMG. He had d-day less than a month ago. Give it a rest. He has a lot of healing to do, whether he R's or D's before dating can commence. Jumping into dating will actually stop your healing process for many. Many use the new relationships to feel better and than they think they are magically healed.

ETA: fixed two transposed words

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:50 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

It's really sad. See how there are people who are capable of damaging the lives of others, both for their eoisms, and to satisfy their narcissistic needs, I was reading your story from the beginning, and to be honest, I thought that at some point, you would decide to sweep under la alfobra, Today there is a great loss of values, principles, and dignity, on the part of men, and seeing your attitude, full of great dignity and values, is worthy of value, your wife destroyed your marriage, and thanks to God had no children yet, although many say that there is the possibility of reconciliation, it is a lie, a man with dynamism can never overcome this type of betrayal, the worst betrayal, for some the most painful.

The other thing, do not trust, in the least, in your ex, if you have read ABSOLON's story you will realize, they are accusing him of something false, his ex,

The other, in any case, excuse me, maybe, it would not be better, instead of buying a bottle of whiskey, the man who opened your eyes and could have saved your life, jijij, see and help him get out of alcoholism, a idea,

A hug, that everything goes well and take care, in trust is the danger, remember that you never thought that your wife was fucking the waiter, that she served them, the drinks,

OP, I recommend that you consider SisterMilkshake’s comments. You are still just barely two weeks from your Dday and dealing with the emotional trauma. I know you are intent on D and I don’t disagree. You must follow your own values. If D is the right decision for you more power to you. I tend to agree with Sister Milkshake here. The OP came here initially two weeks after his Dday, asking if he was a bad person for not wanting to even consider R with a remorseful WW. He was leaning toward it being a dealbreaker for him and filing for D. He is unusual as we often see the opposite, a BS desperate to save the M before they have had a chance to process the emotional trauma. He was overwhelmingly advised to file for D post haste, no delay, there was nothing to save here.

Yet in a similar situation today, a BW asked if she was wrong for leaning toward D with a remorseful WH only two weeks after her Dday when her WH confessed to a weekend sex date with his paralegal. The initial posts reflect to take her time, let the emotions settle, get counseling, watch his actions, don’t make a hasty decision you will regret later. There are factual differences but the differences in advice is remarkable nonetheless. OP I agree with SisterMilkshake. Take your time to let you emotions settle. Take care of you. Get stronger for you. The D process takes time. Best of luck to you.

@sistermilkshake thank you for sharing your experience with me. I think you offer a bit more nuance than many other commenters. As @fareast points out, it certainly seems like more caution was advised for the BW who came here in a very recent thread.

I will say, I have mentioned multiple times in this thread that my finding out about the affair from a third party was a big problem for me, whereas it sounds like the BW in that thread heard from her WH directly. That obviously does not dull the pain, but in my opinion it shows that the WH felt remorse before being caught. It’s not clear to me that most of us have that benefit, and I would have been more inclined to consider R in that scenario.

That said, this has been a gut call for me. I have been feeling simultaneously a deep compassion for my WW and also a need to be out of our relationship. I think in some ways we were always fundamentally incompatible. Our conversation today deepened my compassion but did not change my resolve to leave. I felt almost immediately upon learning of the affair that I wanted to be done, and have waited weeks to make the call because of the advice of the forum, and of my lawyer and others in my life. My gut feeling has not changed. And it truly does not come from a place of rage or hatred. As you say, all situations are different. For me, leaving is (relatively) cheap, whereas for many people who find themselves here it is extremely costly.

I don’t really have a point or argument to make here, other than to say I am confident and comfortable with my decision. At the same time I am grateful that you are in this thread to show compassion to others in a situation that might be a bit different than mine. Thank you for taking the time to write and share.

It is freeing in some way to make a decision. If cheating is not something you can accept or live with, then you only have one option. And you must make that tough decision.

You know yourself best. I struggled for years with reconciliation. My gut told me to D but I fought against myself for a number of reasons. For us it worked out. But it took me years to stop thinking of divorcing him.

I hope your D is not a huge ugly battle.

a1234567

A broken trust will forever remain that - broken.

Ask yourself whether or not you would like to live a life with doubt always lingering at the back of your mind. Where she is, who she is with. Then there is the matter of why is she staying with you? Out of guilt? You are the best option?

Certainly it wasn't out of her deep love and respect for you that she was sleeping with another man for 8 months while married to you.

Divorce by the way doesn't not eliminate the possibility of reconciliation after the fact. Divorce is a consequence that serves to remind your wayward the cost of her choices.

Then there is the following.

Somewhat ironically, the affair seems to have started shortly after I got my first really "good" job. We already had problems then though, she was actually so jealous that her own career wasn't going well that she wasn't even happy for me when I got that job. I should have divorced her then.

All the best regardless

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 11:30 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]

@ButfortheGrace

Are you willing to spend your life in a marriage with not-great sex, PLUS always knowing that she fucked another man behind your back and lied about it for years? I guarantee you that when you stare yourself down in the bathroom mirror in the morning, even years from now, if you're still married, this will cross your mind.

This was a good question - and a likelihood. I'm 7 years and a week away from Dday. Crosses my mind daily.

Not making a decision in these situations is the best way to keep yourself in limbo.

Imo People whose spouses confess . people who have been married 20 plus years , people who have kids together will get more nuanced advice

In your case with no kids and a short and sexually un satisfactory marriage its hard to make the case that there is anything she can offer you that another woman couldnt easily top.

Some comments seem to mistake my compassion for my WW for a wavering commitment to leave. I have no doubt I want to leave.

How does everyone else deal with the pain of being alone again after you thought you found your person? I am struggling.

Some comments seem to mistake my compassion for my WW for a wavering commitment to leave. I have no doubt I want to leave.

For some reason, there are members here that are very invested in convincing members, particularly newbie males, that divorce is the only choice you should make.

How does everyone else deal with the pain of being alone again after you thought you found your person? I am struggling.

I am so sorry. I don't know how to deal with that as I took a different journey. If you can, I would suggest finding a therapist. They can help you visualize and crystalize what your goal is, what you want, and how to get it. What is cool now is that so many therapists/counselers do virtual counseling now. So much easier.

Again, wishing you peace and serenity on your healing journey.

Actually, I guess you were aware that she wasn't your person even before you found out that she had cheated on you. She didn't meet your expectations in some basic issues. I think that's why you were able to make such quick and clear decision. We are witnessing how BSs here can often remain indecisive, make wrong decisions, even though it is very clear what to do.

I guess what I said about you also applies to your WW. I don't think the only reason she accepted your decision so quickly and didn't fight is to not hurt you any more. You probably weren't her person either. She had stepped out of the marriage long before.

After D, you can't be sure you'll be alone for a long time when you start a new life. So when you find someone new that you think is your person,there will be no more pain to deal with. Maybe you will be upset that you have been married in vain for years. Maybe you'll feel better without even finding someone.

How does everyone else deal with the pain of being alone again after you thought you found your person? I am struggling.

I was dumped for the AP. Thrust into alone-ness. We weren't married, but we had lived together a long time, and therefore most of the household stuff we had was jointly purchased. She had a young son with whom I had grown very close. I moved out and took nothing but my clothes and my guitar stuff. Found myself in a bedroom of a 2-br house that I was subleasing from a dude who rented the whole house, also newly single. We pitched in and got stereo, TV, couch, etc.

I was very lonely at first. Staring at the walls. But then I reminded myself that I had an active, happy life as a single man before meeting her. I tried to find that man again.

After you told her about divorce, has she been showing great emotion about the harm she caused to you, continuously been apologizing, begging for a second chance, etc.?

If not, do you take that as a sign she wanted out of the marriage two years ago snd still does now?

How does everyone else deal with the pain of being alone again after you thought you found your person? I am struggling.

I would suggest you try to keep yourself busy, with friends, hobbies, sports, whatever you can find. Keep your mind busy on other things. Time will help you heal. It won't be overnight, but as you are separated from your WW, you will start to miss her less.

Stay focused on yourself. I'm glad your WW has taken the approach that she has. I think the only reason people say "watch out" is that she can always change her mind tomorrow. Folks on this site have seen it happen. You know her and we don't. It is just a warning.

I felt almost immediately upon learning of the affair that I wanted to be done, and have waited weeks to make the call because of the advice of the forum, and of my lawyer and others in my life.

I disagree with some posters that will proclaim with absolute certainty that “you shall wait 2 months, 6 days, 5 hours and 32 minutes before making a decision”.

I mean, if you knew you were done, you were done.

Also, you don’t have to go scorched earth. You can divorce amicably, I have done so, it worked for me. I figured that if I keep on hating my XWW, I’m the one living with those negative feelings. I keep regular contact with my XWW to talk about the children and it’s no problem. For some other people, it’s not possible.

As for dating, some people here will proclaim that “you shall wait 2 months, 6 days, 5 hours and 32 minutes after your D to start dating”. I say... whenever you’re ready

How does everyone else deal with the pain of being alone again after you thought you found your person? I am struggling.

Exercise of any kind is good. A long walk will help clear your mind.

Explore something you never had time for but have an interest in. Learning to cook, learning a foreign language, etc.

You can’t concentrate on two things at once. Use this time to broaden yourself.