A lot of good advice. And, it's almost like you guys are in my head.
So much here to even try and respond to.
Come to think of it, do any of these issues sound similar to your mid-life crisis associated with your children leaving home?
This in particular snapped something into place for me. Some of my fear is definitely this. I am not afraid of cheating again, I seriously would rather someone hook my eye with a fishing hook and remove it as slowly as they could. Seriously. But, this is a lot of change at once. Leaving a job I have worked for almost 20 years, Leaving our home we raised our kids in, and leaving my (albeit limited) support. It is very similar to some of the things that really spun me into that crisis that I didn't know how to deal with to begin with.
So, for those saying it's the fear of the unknown, I have to say that's probably the biggest piece of all of it.
I know you think you've got a handle on this shit and strongly suspect that you're just not willing to admit to yourself that understanding a journey and walking that journey are two very, very different things.
This is 100 percent accurate. I know the steps and I make them because I know what they should be. But, the logical and the emotional, no those will not line up for a long time. Sometimes I don't even post because when I try to go to the emotional, the logical takes over when I write. If I wrote only the emotional I am a car wreck, but when I do that I read it and I just know better. IF that makes sense. Doesn't mean I don't still feel it, but it comes out as non-sense.
There's no way to know HOW you're going to be feeling about your WH in a few years' time. If you're happy in your job, better to keep it for as long as it makes you happy. It's hard to find really good work as we get older. And in terms of giving up home and roots?... at six years out, I can tell you that there's no way I would do that. Sometimes, the love doesn't survive the betrayal... and it takes YEARS to die. That's not to say there's no love at all, or caring, or concern... just that it isn't enough to be together 24/7. With hindsight being what it is, I'd wait at least ten years to see how I felt.
Nope there isn't any way. My short temper with him right now isn't warranted by what he is doing or not doing. It's just there. It feels a lot like when you are growing up with your sibling and they want to be in your space and any attempt towards that gets thwarted with an over reaction. Can't give them an inch or they think it's cool kind of thing.
I don't understand the rush.
I don't understand making such a HUGE change so soon after a dday
I don't understand why you would become financially dependent upon your WH, with whom you are - understandably - PISSED at.
And - I don't have to understand any of that, it's your life and not mine.
I think it's one of those things where the train left the station on this a long time ago. We have been discussing this as a plan before my affair. It went away for a while, and then as things "calmed down" (well, at least it seemed like it was on the surface, obviously it was all just ramping up), we started re-engaging it. We purchased it at the end of last summer and really just never stopped and took a minute. The youngest is close enough to graduating college was a lot of the planned timing.
There are lots of things that go into this. One, I saw when he purchased the RV kind of as a new beginning. It was hard to let that idea go even after finding out about his affair. It was something I really, really looked forward to and I guess with everything else going on I have clung to that, but in the meantime, we've taken a lot of the big leaps already.
Don't make the mistake of thinking you're any different than the rest of us BS as far as healing from betrayal.
I don't. Early on I guess I was in shock, and there were so many emotions, some of the illogical things that you would expect - I deserved that being a big theme. I have worked through most of that. It was easy to require him the same things that were required of me, because it's easier to see the fairness of that. But, I have given up on "fair" because there is no way to temper your emotions around fair, where there is never going to be "fair".
The longer it goes the more I see all of this and am not blocked by feeling like a hypocrite. Yes, I know, I know. But, feelings aren't going to make sense. I can know all I know logically, it doesn't change the feeling of it.
Let's see ... you have a very high-paying job, you're financially able to leave it, you can buy a new house ... but therapy for 2 is sort of expensive? I guess you could be thinking straight, but it sure looks like you are missing something.... (Obviously, you wrote only about resources, not obligations. I'm asking you to think about the conclusion (that therapy is too much money). IMO, you have no need to defend it.)
I know that doesn't make sense, and that I really don't have to explain it. But, what is actually happening is a huge downsize. No mortgage, no second car, no utilities, we've paid off our debt. The reason I can leave my job is we are willing to give up some of our disposable income and this situation actually costs enough less. I can buy a house because there is a nest egg there. Some for roadside/RV emergencies, but also some for starting over when we are done. This is not expendable money.
Generally speaking, there are other things that went into my decision to go to once a month that I was a bit lazy about explaining. She also has been very encouraging towards me doing this because she thinks that some of these changes may be positive. For example, I can barely concentrate on work and that's not helping me feel better, it's kind of flaring up some shame (my last day is now near). She thinks that this will give me some air and time. She has been a good counselor over the years but I really wonder if I should have moved to someone else for this? She has treated me since early after my dday. (I had someone else initially who didn't want me to confess and I fired them) We would have to sell the house regardless. I don't want to deal with the upkeep any more and it's the scene of the crime which keeps it in my face.
What are your expectations of yourself and your wayward husband? Are you already out of the recovery stage? Has he had the time to truly change? Where were you 7 months out after you confessed? I bet you would have jumped at the chance to leave everything behind and start over. Possibly rugsweep?
Well, I do not expect myself to make a decision about the marriage any time soon. I told someone in PM's the other day that most days I don't think it's going to work. So much damage on both sides. It's not because I can dish it out but not take it. It's more because these are big things to deal with for two individual people and the idea one of us doesn't get there seems pretty likely to me right now. I would say the likelihood of me accepting his situation is probably higher than the other way around. But oddly, I think his commitment to a specific outcome is higher than mine.
At the same time, after having been married for decades and having a long friendship before that, it's weird but the friendship vibe is still there. We get along, we like the same stuff, it's familiar. I kind of think to myself that this is something we've always wanted to do, we can go experience it even if it feels roommate like. I say that because right now that's maybe the best way to describe the vibe at home. It's not that neither of us do romantic overtures but that feels a bit more like one of us deciding randomly on a day to try to get some of the water out of the sinking ship.
Okay I am going to stop and start another, I can't imagine what kind of novel this is going to be.
[This message edited by hikingout at 8:59 AM, May 14th (Friday)]