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Under the circumstances you don’t really need anymore confrontation.

If it’s a dealbreaker then file and move on. You know this was just the tip of the iceberg. Why waste more time/life on this?

With her demeanor and still contacting her AP (affair is continuing btw) there’s nothing to work with.

Give her what she wants ASAP. Just let her go and free yourself.

No contact will be your new best friend. Without that you will linger in this.

She’s planning on you being a doormat that she can string along because she is so irreplaceable. NOT !

[This message edited by Marz at 12:36 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]

She left today for her sisters. Took her basics and then left her house key and the wedding rings. She is very agreeable for now and...if this remains I'm confident we could work something out quickly. She's getting an attorney consult tomorrow and while I understand why I fear for if they get in her (clearly malleable) head about getting what she is due and how far her guilt will go when she starts to see dollar signs.

On another note, only time will tell us the truth but...she has told me OM is going to tell OBS and I presume, leave her. Regardless of the discussion on if this is true, if WW is lying, if OM is lying to WW, whatever...if it is true I can't help but wonder how long until he decides he is bored. For her sake, hopefully it's before she becomes his 4th wife. But history says otherwise. Or maybe she'll snap out of it and try to come crawling back to me stirring up these terrible emotions all over again.

Whatever comes of this for her, she has earned it.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 12:44 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]

On another note, only time will tell us the truth but...she has told me OM is going to tell OBS and I presume, leave her.

Nope that’s a lie to try and keep you from informing her. She’s going all out to protect her love interest. Buying time to put the screws to his wife I’d bet.

Your wife’s demeanor clearly shows she’s not R material.

The one takeaway is all cheaters lie a lot. If you learn nothing else. Learn that.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:11 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]

As a novice cheater she hasn't learned yet that she can't trust cheaters. This is good for you. She may want the divorce to be finalized as soon as possible to become his 4th wife.

I have to admit, I'd be glad that her AP dumped her after your divorce was finalized.

By the way, in the "thinking" process after Dday, it becomes clear with whom and for what she negotiated. If there was a negative outcome, as a plan B she might now be telling you that she will do anything to save your marriage.

Edit:In this case, the issue of informing OBS after the divorce becomes even clearer. If your WW is lying, it doesn't hurt you, you're going to get divorced anyway. If the AP is lying to your WW, it's her problem, it's in your favour.

You will inform OBS after your divorce, just in case.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 1:34 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]

On another note, only time will tell us the truth but...she has told me OM is going to tell OBS and I presume, leave her.

An obvious lie from a lying liar but just plow ahead with D as long as you can get her to be amicable. Then after, do the right thing and tell the OBS and your BIL.

Don't ever trust a liar. The best story she can give OBS, if ever, is a watered down version. Don't expect either of them (WW and AP) to tell the truth. She's lying to your face, don't expect her to tell the truth to others.

All the best!

No contact will now be your best friend. Value yourself. File for D as soon as feasible. Follow your attorneys advice. Inform the OBs. Good luck!

I'm sorry for your pain Maxwell and you've gotten GREAT advice. This is looking like an exit affair to me, sorry but better to hear it now than latter. Please, please, please heed the advice these guys are giving.

IMO, you're WW is gonna leave for this POSH car salesmen, but there is NO WAY in HELL that POSH is gonna leave his wife your your POSH-WW. Your best move, absolutely your best move right now is inform her (OBS). Not to get your WW back but to fuck her world up, kind of a hard reset.

You've been given advice from a lawyer not to inform OBS but understand his job isn't to save your marriage or do the right/MORAL thing, it is to make his job easier, nothing else.

The advice you've been given may sound counter-intuitive but in a great number of cases here it is exactly what works.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 5:01 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]

she has told me OM is going to tell OBS and I presume, leave her.

Translation:

“Please don’t tell my boyfriend’s wife , he will tell her himself. wink, wink”.

And you presume wrong, he won’t leave his wife.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:02 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]

she has told me OM is going to tell OBS and I presume, leave her

So they have been having a full blown PA because no 50+yr old is going to end a marriage for a quick one time fool around in a car park.

OM is not going to tell OBS a thing. Waywards freak out we’re going to rock their APs boat and tell us this lie to protect the affair. Never assume this, it’s yet another predictable lie. We encourage telling OBS because life gets messy and affairs abruptly end when OBS are confronted by the BS, normally it’s our waywards that get dumped and then they get so heartbroken that their fantasy lover drops them for OBS.

Trust me all, I want to do that more than anything.

But I’m going to stick with the original plan until things are resolved. Or if they turn into a shitfest I’ll do it then.

You need to see an attorney tomorrow and start protecting yourself and your kids.

Sorry: no kids. But do see an attorney to protect yourself.

But why? I want to be done and it doesn’t matter.

If you are done, and you have ever right to be, most other things matter little. The number one objective is getting out as fast and as least impacted as you can. That is #1 priority.

But I’m going to stick with the original plan until things are resolved. Or if they turn into a shitfest I’ll do it then.

This is ideal advice to yourself. You have plan A (get out quick and to your advantage) and you have a follow-up action if Plan A is undermined. You can blow her world up after you get your best deal done. You don't need to risk strategic advantage. If she shows signs of resisting and manipulating, then no harm in blowing up the rest of it to all that should or need to know.

The OBS has a right to know, but you have no moral obligation to tell her on a timeline that disadvantages you.

[This message edited by DIFM at 7:55 PM, July 11th, 2021 (Sunday)]

See a lawyer ASAP. In most jurisdictions, the fact you have no children and a short marriage plus the fact your WW works pretty well knocks out all types of support. At worst, you might have a couple of years of alimony. Your acquired property in the marriage will be split 50/50 in most cases.

It should be a rather clean split up I would think. Don't sweat the small stuff. Get rid of her ASAP then go NC.

Your acquired property in the marriage will be split 50/50 in most cases.

She made more $ than me for most the marriage. So hopefully no payments. And the 50/50 split would be quite an impact to me because she blew most her money and I saved most mine. At the moment she is verbally willing to take her property (things she uses/purchased) and other items of basic necessity (furniture, kitchen items etc) and leave financial accts and other consideration alone. These were never combined during the marriage anyways. That’s probably a pipe dream once attorneys are involved though? This is why I am trying to move on a quick dissolution.

On the mental front things are incredibly hard. It’s a mix between

1) self-torture and thoughts of the betrayal: unwelcome thoughts of the pictures I had to see, the timeline of the affair I’m aware of, matching those timelines up with the pictures and my imagination running wild filling in all other details of what could have happened. (E.g. one picture and response I found lines up to be delivered the evening of the only admitted physical activity. She does this betrayal during the day, and comes home, gives me a kiss, and sexts constantly with OM while I'm in the house. Or photos of her wearing lingerie while I was out of town…which means they had to have met up then. Maybe here? )

And

2) my emotional brain wishing my wife (not the person who did the above, but a fantasy person who no longer exists) would walk through the front door. I need to let go of this, and quickly.

And

3) dealing with a world that is colorless and gray thanks to the above. Everything is terrible.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 6:22 AM, July 12th (Monday)]

You'll make it through this, I promise.

All of the things you write about are very common. Unfortunately, the only thing that will help heal all of that is time. That and continued No Contact with her. Only talk to her about the divorce proceedings. Go into this with the mindset that it's a business transaction. If she brings up the affair, pivot and bring it back to the divorce or simply walk away.

Maxwell, you have been heard brother. The gray of everything will begin to let colors through again. I know exactly how you are feeling.

Surround yourself with friends and family if at all possible.

Strength to you, mate.

One foot in front of the other, hang in there.

I see you already talked to an attorney.

No matter what then DO NOT try to do a divorce on your own.

Even if you and WW manage to sit amicably through a discussion on who gets the table and chairs and who get’s the cutlery and even if you two think you have covered all bases you want YOUR attorney to go over any final contract before it’s signed and processed. The way the I’s are dotted and the t’s crossed can make the difference between being free or being accountable.

For example: You two decide that you take Credit Card A and are accountable for the outstanding balance, and she takes Credit Card B and is accountable for the balance. Then 12 months later you get a call from a collection agency demanding payment on card B. Since it was issued on a joint account / when you were married and therefore legally assumed as joint / marital debt (or whatever other reason) you might legally still be accountable. You can wave the divorce agreement in their face, but legally still have to pay. The D might enable you to sue her for compensation, but chances are the collection agency has already seen she doesn’t have a dime to collect.

Attorneys KNOW these things and either ensure you fill out the correct forms, use the correct language or ensure the correct debts are paid BEFORE you sign.

Attorneys don’t automatically make divorce harder or more expensive. Not all (in fact probably very few) divorces actually end up in court per se. All you need to do is if you and WW hammer out an amicable agreement is tell her you want a couple of days before you sign and then pass it on to your attorney for the final blessing and possible rewrite.

Signed initial paperwork for attorney today. Sent a shared doc to WW to setup agreed property distribution.

Talked to my parents at length too (whose inputs I trust very much) and they say maybe I'm being too hasty. Maybe we should talk to someone. And despite all the evidence it has only been 4 days so I say...maybe.

We were talking anyways about the property stuff so I probe WW to confirm she wants this and she says not sure and we could talk to someone...but wait not sure about that either. In this conversation I say, are you talking to OM? She says no, he's in another state and busy. I check phone logs. Several texts today.

lies lies LIES

Please don't tell me I'm stupid, I already know. Just come tie me down to a chair and save me from myself. Thanks.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 4:45 PM, July 12th (Monday)]