SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It is gobsmacking and depressing you cancelled the poly only days before doing it. pro tip: she would have failed it.

pro tip: she would have failed it.

Or would have given you the information you needed in the parking lot. She's still holding back info. Until the cost of holding back exceeds that she fears the disclosure will cost her not you, she will continue to "not remember". The primary purpose of the Poly as a trigger to enforce the cost of lying.

Am I mistaken, or has it been forty+ years since this affair? If so, I'm not sure WHY you would be surprised that some details are gone. I just realized a couple of days ago when I was posting to another thread that I had a sexual experience myself with a guy whose name, both first and last, I no longer remember. I could probably name the year it happened and where it happened (because that part was memorable) and that it was disappointing (also memorable), but that's it. It's not even like it was a ONS. I knew the guy, I just can't remember anything about him now.

Not everyone's brain ages the same way. And it's really disconcerting that people would jump to conclusions after FOUR decades and say she has to be lying. Maybe she is. I dunno. But do people forget things in forty years' time?... yeah, they do.

If you think she's lying to you, OP.. why not just go ahead and divorce her? I can't imagine you'd need grounds this day and age. People get divorced for all sorts of reasons, Irreconcilable differences or whatever.

I hold the belief there are some things people simply don’t forget. An affair before, during and after the only wedding in your life is among them.

That's pretty horrific.

I'm a firm believer that many of the questions we ask, we can also answer. Or at least have insight into.

Some 10-11 years ago, while returning from a ski trip, I was passing slow cars on a two lane road. The road bent to the right, but I could see around the curve and it was clear. I thought.

So I passed the slow big truck, and halfway through was confronted with a van with a family coming the opposite way and I was in their lane. Thank god they swerved onto the shoulder, otherwise it'd have been a head-on collision with all of everyone dead. No doubt. I thought I was a good driver.

To this day, it hurts deeply to think about it. It hurts to write this. I don't in fact think about it, other than for a micro-second before I pass a car. I don't dwell on, and can no longer remember, the looks on the driver's face, or number of passengers, or what the car was I passed, or what the van was I almost ran into, or the weather, or exactly which state I was in when I passed (Vermont or NY, based on route), or what the route was I was taking. I have let them fade, just keeping the important thing, which that I almost killed a bunch of people through stupidity.

This is the opposite of my memory of D-Day, where I've worked hard to keep details alive. Assuming my WW felt about her fall from grace the same as I feel about almost killing a bunch of people, I don't doubt that she has let them fade. But that is an assumption. She could also have a picture of him hidden away somewhere. But I've looked.

So...look in your own past. Everyone has f***ed something up. What is your relationship to that memory? Learn from it, and bring it to bear on your current situation.

Sending strength!

A benign syndrome

Huh? How can you think it's benign? The truth often hurts. If someone always brings up only exculpatory info, that person is almost certainly not telling the truth.

Again, my belief is that you need much more than a poly can possibly provide, but since so many people are focusing on your cancelling the poly, why DID you not go through with it?

sisoon & others: A couple of members suggested I stick to one thread at a time. Good advice. So I will no longer answer here.

An explanation of my rationale for cancelling the poly exam is found on page 2 of the "40 Years...." thread. Thanks!