SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There are a LOT of acronyms in use in the forums here. So many in fact, that a list of them would doubtlessly be quite handy for newbies joining the site. Sure would have helped me! We’ll tackle that suggestion another time………

Despite the abundance of acronyms, I’d like to add yet another:

EOM = Exculpatory Only Memory

Definition: A benign syndrome in which those afflicted can only remember facts that cause them no harm whatsoever. All recall of names, dates, places, activities or anything else which may cause upset, anger or embarrassment is wiped completely from their memory unless confronted with factual evidence to the contrary. EOM syndrome most commonly manifests itself in cheating spouses who are worried that further revelations will nuke their marriages. Researchers believe this to be related to Convenient Memory but have established no definitive links.

Sound familiar?

I can’t possibly be the only one experiencing this. My soulmate (“Wife” and “Husband” are banished words in our household now) has a quite severe case of this syndrome.

Please bear in mind that she has admitted to the affair and the fact that it went on right up to our wedding and continued after we returned from our honeymoon. I have tried and tried to establish facts about the affair and whether there were others. Trying to pin down the timeline has been especially troubling.

She has claimed all along that embarrassment and humiliation traumatized her to the point that she has “buried” all memories of the affair and cannot recall details I ask for – details I feel I am owed. My therapist – whom I admire greatly and agree with 98% of the time – says this is entirely possible. But there are too many things that suggest otherwise – especially the clarity in which she can remember facts that don’t rock the boat anymore than it already is.

Sample conversation:

Me: When did the affair start?

Her: I Don’t Know (IDK) – but I know it wasn’t long before our wedding.

Me: When did the affair end?

Her: IDK – But I know it wasn’t long after the honeymoon.

Me: Were you still seeing him when I discovered the affair.

Her: I don’t think so, but I really can’t remember for sure. (I’ve heard this one verbatim a hundred times)

Me: So you can remember clearly that the affair started “shortly” before our wedding – but can’t recall even an estimate of how long before?

Her: I know this is important to you, but I just can’t remember.

Me: When I discovered the affair you emphatically denied it continued after our wedding. When I discovered afterwards that you had lied, you now say that you did continue to see him but can’t recall how many times or for how long. Is this right?

Her: That’s right.

Me: Ummmmm……..sounds like selective memory to me.

Her: I don’t know what to tell you. I really want to tell you but I can’t. I wish you’d believe me so we can move on.

Me: There’s a troubling pattern here. You can’t remember what I want to know. So, why should I believe all the things you do recall which minimize what happened?

Her: I would love to tell you but I can’t.

I hold the belief there are some things people simply don’t forget. An affair before, during and after the only wedding in your life is among them. Especially given her solemn vows that there were never any other flings or affairs. It just doesn’t hold water.

“The coverup is always worse than the crime” certainly fits here.

Do you live in an area with distinct seasons (like a snowy winter)? Was your wedding during any specific season? For example, if your wedding was in summer, does she recall sex with the AP at a time when she had to take off winter clothes, and then put them back on?

Or holidays? Did she have sex with AP in celebration of any particular holiday?

There are usually some milestones of that nature that she can use to jog memory.

Raleigh,

Ask misc. questions, what hobbies did the OM have, where did he live, what kind of furniture did he have in his house, what kind of car did he drive, how many siblings did he have. Etc Etc. My W remembers details about OM1 bed room, although "nothing happened there".

Seriously you need to speak with OMW and OM this may jog some of their memories. At this point you have nothing to lose.

There is also the possibility WW is still protecting OM, or is it OMs?

What did the polygraph uncover?

I have to agree there are some memories which become accepted as established facts in our lives, one of which for my W is that OM1 had a bigger ****.

ButfortheGrace: Wowzer......we think quite alike! (A scary thought, huh?!?!) I tried some of those very things to no avail. It is part of the reason I simply don't believe her. There were happenings I clearly remember that tell me the affair went on for sometime and spanned at least several months and seasons. You simply cannot convince me that this was completely wiped clean from her memory banks. Especially when she clearly recall anything non-harmful about the duration of the affair.

survrus: Thanks for your post! She's a completely closed book......I've tried nearly everything. I am considering ratcheting things up very shortly in an attempt to find out what I want to know. More on this in a later post.

BTW: Your W's endowment comment really hits home because of the sex implications of my wife's affair. Hate that you have traveled that road too.......

Memory can be funny. It's not unusual to misplace memory chains in relationship with others. When pouring back through the chat logs between myself and my exWW, I had forgotten things that you wouldn't think I would have a decade later. I had also misplaced some on the timeline. eg, the first ILYBNLY happened via Chat on my birthday about eight months before DDay. I had it at dday. WTF.

I'm not saying that your wife isn't purposefully having selective memory. She has a lot to lose if there's a deal breaker there. Like the A continued for years after Dday. Quite frankly I think you missed an opportunity by canceling the poly. You should work with the examiner to determine how best to test whether her faulty memory is intentional or not.

There are a LOT of acronyms in use in the forums here. So many in fact, that a list of them would doubtlessly be quite handy for newbies joining the site.

If you click on "The Healing Library"...you will find a link that says "abbreviations" . The majority of abbreviations that are used here are on that list. I don't know how new abbreviations like EOM would get added...but maybe a Mod can answer that question .

Sadly...you aren't the only one who experiences EOM from your WS . It is one of the most painful posts that shows up here from time to time. I WISH every WS could see the DAMAGE they do by keeping the TRUTH from their BS . I hope you can find some peace in whatever it is you are going to find after you ratchet things up. Forty years is a LONG time to be troubled (((HUGS))).

There were happenings I clearly remember that tell me the affair went on for sometime and spanned at least several months and seasons. You simply cannot convince me that this was completely wiped clean from her memory banks. Especially when she clearly recall anything non-harmful about the duration of the affair.

If this is how you honestly feel, it's legitimate to look her in the eye and say: "I don't believe you. I know you're lying to me."

I don’t believe in soulmates. There are literally dozens of women in your geographic proximity you could have had just as satisfying a relationship with, if not more so, than your wife. They are not your soulmates and she sure isn't. That is just pedestalizing someone.

My opinion: your wife is a bullshitter who thought she had buried this deep, yet here it is again 40 years later, like the walking dead. She thinks now she can wear you down so you “just move on.” I mean it has worked out so far for four decades!

You never said how that polygraph went.

You might keep your story in one thread. Makes it easier for people to help you.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:47 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

Just a fancy word for minimization. Part of the triumvirate of wayward behavior after DDay that also includes rugsweeping and blameshifting.

I don’t believe in soulmates. There are literally dozens of women in your geographic proximity you could have had just as satisfying a relationship with, if not more so, than your wife. They are not your soulmates and she sure isn't. That is just pedestalizing someone.

Agree 100%

She certainly should remember how the affair ended. Did she end it? How? Was it in person? By telephone? Was she still working at the law firm? Where? Was it during lunch? In the evening? Definitely when? Did she have sex again with him after the discovery of the letters and birth control? She knows these facts. Don't believe otherwise.

Again, a polygraph test is about the only thing you have to work with at this juncture. They are not totally reliable. Some will argue they are worthless. I wouldn't go that far. BTW, I had my ex-WW take a polygraph test 42 years ago. She passed the test but cheated again. Again, the best part of such a test is the parking lot confession.

[This message edited by src9043 at 5:41 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

Wow my W can't remember much either till I showed her the 44 text in a span of a few hours.

Sorry @RaleighGuy

I know this may sound way out there, but hear me out. I have seen and read about a fair amount of success with using hypnosis. Here is one clinical definition of hypnosis- Hypnosis allows you to remain calm under pressure which can help you recall information. As long as you have it in your memory, it can be recalled.

Just wanted to throw something out there in addition to the poly and possibly get the information you deserve.

I find it depressing so many people are giving tips on how to jog her memory, as if that was the problem. That she expects you to believe she says she doesn't remember whether the affair continued after you discovered is laughable. Her and her AP would have had a deep, meaningful and memorable conversation if it did. If it didn't because of her "embarrassment and humiliation" over her affair, she would have remembered that the discovery caused her a major shock, causing her recommit to her marriage and immediate end things with her AP.

Raleigh, she will never tell you anything beyond what she thinks you know as she knows you can't prove her wrong. Maybe she is telling the truth. Maybe she isn't. If you had her go through the lie detector test then you would know better than us.

But even if it proves she is lying, if she comes clean after a failed test, you will always have to take her word as to what she lied about unless you want to continue to have her take test after test after test. I gotta ask...to what end?

Here are the facts. She has lied to you for the entirety of your marriage saying that it stopped before you were married. She had no qualms casually betraying you after you got married and very likely after you caught her. I hate to say it but the likely conclusion to this affair was that her AP broke it off once he got tired of it or when things at his home got too heated, or for some other reason. Your wife, based on what you've posted, has never had any epiphany or insight into your pain which is why you never healed. She would like it if you could stop talking about it and "move on".

I'd say she's not a candidate for R but it's been 40 years since your discovery. At some point you have to accept that finding out more about what she's done will not help you. You already know she has been lying to you for almost the entire time you've known her. Honestly, at this point, does it really matter what she's been lying about? There is only emptiness at the end of the path you are on. Are you really going spend your golden years trying to untangle her 40 year web of deceit?

The only questions you need to ask yourself are "Does having her in her life, as she is now, add to my happiness and well-being?" and "Can I stay with someone who will never tell me the whole truth about her affair(s)?"

Your "soulmate" is trying to ensure she will not spend her twilight years without her needs being met (that means emotional and sexual, not just financial) which is why she will take no action or tell you anything that will put her security at risk. She might even play super spouse to keep you around, at least for a while. Sure you can threaten to leave her, get a little bit more info, process it, rinse and repeat, but life's too short for you to play that game.

Unfortunately I only see two options at this point. Either you leave her, or you knowingly choose to "rug-sweep", because I seriously doubt that she will ever truly be a fWW. That ship has likely sailed.

My prayers are with you.

[This message edited by AnOminousMan at 12:54 AM, Thursday, July 15th]

Man, I cannot tell you how much I identify with this and other of your threads.

There should be a special place in hell for a person who is planning a wedding while having a secret affair. The words evil and monstrous don’t even begin to describe how rotten that is. But to continue the affair after the wedding but lie about that for 40 years is beyond understanding.

You describing her as your soulmate makes me cringe. Albatross might work. Ball and chain? Gauleiter? The dentist in Marathon Man?

Whatever. Like you it’s been nearly 40 years. Like you it still hurts. Like you, I got the I don’t remember shit. She couldn’t even give the OMs last name.

What gets me is that you never got and still don’t have the basic information that won’t help you heal, but at least process. You were at the goal line when you dropped off the face of the earth. And now you tell us you walked it back.

Why on earth are you still with this woman? If it is to inflict pain, that is happening. To you! Do I understand you are not even sleeping in the same room?

Guy, at 61 or so you are not all washed up. Trust me on this.

There is life out there. Stop doing this to yourself. See my posts on your last thread. If you want to pm me, please do.

Her: I don’t know what to tell you. I really want to tell you but I can’t. I wish you’d believe me so we can move on.

Me: There’s a troubling pattern here. You can’t remember what I want to know. So, why should I believe all the things you do recall which minimize what happened?

Her: I would love to tell you but I can’t.

The I don’t know or I don’t remember and the months of TT are exactly why I believe he has more to share and isn’t because he knows it will mean divorce. This is why R ultimately is unlikely to work for us.

If you have to work this hard to squeeze anything out of your partner, why the hell are you with her? It really sounds like a waste of your precious life. Is this really what you dream of when you imagine a relationship? I think you owe yourself more than this...

The phrase you're looking for already exists... it's called selective memory.

I wish you’d believe me so we can move on.

To me, everything you need to know is in this one sentence. And it is a huge red flag IMHO.