SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

1 year post DD. WS had a 7 month affair plus 2 1 night stands that I discovered in the process of this all. There were years of online cheating, financial infidelity and involvement in fetish sites. The reasons given were due to his belief that I was going to leave him and he felt unloved by me.

He has spent the last year living elsewhere but bent over backwards to "fix himself" and prove to me that he can be the husband and father her should have been to me and our child.

Am I stupid to even consider reconciling? Is there a better life out there for me?

 Is there a better life out there for me?

Maybe. Maybe the better life is with your husband who has worked through his issues. So the answer to your topic question is 'No', your are not being stupid.....if reconciliation is what you are hoping for.

That being said, I think it would be very foolish to jump back in if you don't feel he is safe, or reallllllly putting in the effort to be a better person for himself first, you(and others)secondary. His betrayals were not only emotionally damaging, but financially as well. Protect yourself here. It is much cleaner cut to address than the emotional aspects.

Do you still love him? Do you want the marriage to work?

Or are his lying and cheating just a deal breaker for you?

Jb3199 Thanks for your reply. I have protected myself financially. He signed the home over to me so his finances are not my direct concern any longer. I just don't want to go back to being taken advantage of in that sense..... or any other for that matter. I just wish I knew what was best for everyone all round

The1stWife thank you for your reply. I do still love him. I believe his issues stemmed from neglect and abuse in his childhood. I do want the marriage to work and for my daughter to be happy again.

However, I do not want the worry of what he is doing and/or who he is doing it with.

I want it to be an equal partnership and not the one-sided burden that it was.

He himself once said that this kind of thing would be a deal breaker for him and I agreed but now it has happened it's a different story

No you aren’t stupid, if R is your desire and you feel he has changed then it’s ok. You dictate the terms of R and everything happens on your timeframe. Best Wishes

No you are not stupid. What has he done in the last year to show you he has changed? What ACTIONS has he taken to prove this? If you cannot list many things, than I think you have your answer.

Tanner thank you

Tigersrule thank you. He sought therapy and attended. He answers my questions and gives me access to his phone. He has supported me during my son's mental health breakdown, and he supported him greatly too. He continues to support me through hardships that occur. He is trying to be transparent regarding his finances. He makes every opportunity to spend time with me and keep me involved in his daily life.

I'm just so tired I don't know what I should expect from him to give me security

He sought therapy and attended.

"Attended" past tense?

First things first, you have to get to a place where you are not seeking outside validation for your choices. Whether it is family, friends, or even Internet strangers. YOU are the only person who has to live your life, and endure the pros and cons of your decisions.

Are you stupid? Well… are you? I’m not being a jerk, I am asking if YOU think you are stupid? I’m sure you are not. I’m sure you are a smart and capable woman. Choosing to stay with someone after infidelity does not make you any less intelligent. Is it risky to stay with someone after they’ve been unfaithful? Yes, it certainly is. Only you are able to determine if the risk is worth the reward.

Wishing you nothing but the best no matter which path you choose.

So what were his reasons for cheating? How did he allow it to go on for so long? Has he been seen by a CSAT and tested for sex addiction? Would he be willing to take a polygraph test in order to prove that the OW you know about are the only ones and he's been faithful during separation?

You don’t have to live together to be in a relationship FYI.

You can take a wait and see approach to see how long his “changes” last. It’s all up to you.

@Hardknocks yes, past tense, he then used the money for this to help rehome my son and get his own place. He sought out out therapy from a counsellor he found online. I believe he built good rapor with the gentleman who gave him insight into the effects of his past trauma etc. I believe he would be best attending someone with more training and experience as he felt after a while it was just a chat and not productive towards his own need for healing.

I can't fault his actions in the last year but I have the prior 7 years behaviour that hangs over me, as well as 14 years of financial issues he brought.

@Underserving thanks for your reply. OK, I am not stupid. I do not know of the risk is worth the reward. What even is the reward? Am I not damaging my self worth even more if I take back someone who is capable of causing me so much trauma? Can I ever trust him again? I just don't know.

@nekonamida thanks for your response. His reasons for cheating were that he felt lonely, that I had no time for him, that he believed that I was going to leave him. He says that it went on for so long because he believed talking to me would not change anything. He doesn't believe that he has a sex addiction and I don't even think you can be tested for that here. The same regarding a polygraph test. I believe I deserve better than what he has given me in 14 years and I do not want to go back to any of the negative parts of our marriage, even the silly little things.

@The1stWife I think this may have to be the approach taken as I've had to put myself last for so long and I'm not willing to do that for him anymore

@Underserving thanks for your reply. OK, I am not stupid. I do not know of the risk is worth the reward. What even is the reward? Am I not damaging my self worth even more if I take back someone who is capable of causing me so much trauma? Can I ever trust him again? I just don't know.

I can’t answer these questions for you, as much as I wish I could.

What is it that is causing you to even consider reconciling with him?

The struggle with self-worth in taking someone back after infidelity is a hard one for almost all of us. I struggled well over a year with it. My husband’s infidelity showed a lot about who HE was as a person at the time. Me giving him a second chance shows a lot about ME as a person. It shows strength, grace, and courage. I refuse to talk down on myself for giving him a chance at reconciliation. I’ve also worked really hard on my codependency, and feel more confident in myself than I ever have. I definitely don’t need that man in any way.

Can you ever trust him again? Probably never 100%, but I doubt you would any other partner going forward. Trust can be rebuilt, but it takes a long time, and a TON of work on the part of the unfaithful. Your spouse may be up to the task. Maybe he is not. Only time will tell if you’re willing to give it a shot. It’s perfectly understandable to not want to.

Not stupid.

I think you hurt yourself if you take him back out of fear. I think you hurt yourself if you don't gather evidence that he has really changed.

I think you help yourself if you take action to get what you want.

If your H has changed, R is possible. The problem is that it takes time to find out if he has really changed from cheater to good partner. You know what the evidence is better than we do.

No matter what you do - D or R or S - there will be critics of you and of your choice, so IMO your best bet is to do what you want to do and t keep telling yourself that the shame is his, not yours.

@underserving again, thanks. I don't know why but I still love him. Reconciliation could only be if I felt strong enough to go through it. If it was successful it would help us be a family again and my daughter would be happy again. I do believe that I made him feel unloved, like he did me. However, we come from different backgrounds and doing what he did is inconceivable for me. Never say never though, right? I will never know the full truth. I only found out about the one night stands through the female he had the affair with He supported me through a lot but what the hell is the point in being married to someone if they can share themselves in the most intimate way with others!