SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Went on a nice minication over the weekend with the family and I had a great time but when I was sitting alone on the beach (while family was swimming) all I could think about was how things would be different if infidelity wasn't in the picture. If you didn't know we were planning on a baby but my wife chose to have an affair in the process and since we have called that off. Looking at all the little kids just tore me apart. Hurt my heart to see that I wasn't going to have that for a while. Hurt to know that having a baby with me wasn't worth it. Its heartbreaking. It's soul crushing. What if I never get to have the family I always wanted. Maybe I just am not good enough indeed.

You have been heard, Camel; I'm so sorry you are hurting today, especially while you're on vacation.

Have you talked to your WW about your feelings?

And by the way, you ARE good enough!

Thanks. No longer on vacation so back to the swing on things. I have not talked to my wife about that, it honestly hurts too much to tell her and we end up just arguing. It's painful to look her in the eyes and express how I feel when she used those same eyes to express how she feels to another man. Was I a great husband? No not the best. We had plans and everything is just gone. The new house doesn't feel like a house. Just another place to live in. Never thought that I would get cheated on let alone cheated on within 2 years of marriage. Some days I'm all in and others I can't stand what she did and what she took away from us. Things just won't ever be the same and in some ways I still blame myself for it. If I treated her better, would we still be in this position or were we doomed from the start? I will never know the answer.

Camel,

I've been following your story and I feel your pain.

No one deserves to be cheated on. Period. No matter how many arguments you may have had in the past. You didn't cause her to cheat. She did it because she wanted to. It's that simple.

You have to decide if cheating is a deal breaker or not. It sounds like you both are trying to salvage your marriage. If so I hope you both are in IC. The road will be long and hard to repair your marriage.

You have a lot to decide as time goes on and I wish you luck.

Feel free to post here and vent anytime you need to.

You've been heard. I'm not familiar with your backstory, but I'm assuming you don't have any children yet? And you are married only 2 years.

I don't know, man...that's a tough one. I can feel your sadness in your post. I'm not sure I would even go ahead with the marriage. Bunch of people here would tell you to cut ties and run. Find yourself a faithful woman. There are plenty of us out there.

First two years of marriage with no kids, that's the easy time. The free time. The fun time. And she still couldn't stay faithful. What's going to happen when things get tough, when kids are underfoot, when she is sleep deprived and stressed and feels less than beautiful. It's a roll of the dice to go forward with an established cheater...I'm sorry.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 4:17 PM, August 9th (Monday)]

I do have a step son who is 11. It kills me that I may not be in his life anymore. Even if I am it will be once in a while that I actually get to see him. That's the hardest part. I have tried explaining that to her and life will just get harder and I'm scared it will happen again. She claims that we can still be happy but I don't think I can. I still love her and everything but this just kills it. This kills all my dreams with her. It's hard to look at her. It's hard to hold her hand. It's hard to kiss her. It just makes me cry. I never cried before any of this and now I am emotional at everything. It's a huge change for me and hiding it is even harder.

Your last post brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly how you feel. The loss of the dream. Things will never be the same, even if she is perfect for the rest of her life.

Take your time and sit quietly with yourself. Know what you can and cannot live with. Know what you do and don't want for your life. You are not required to be a martyr and stay in an unhappy marriage...of HER making.

A stepson in the picture adds another layer of pain. I'm so sorry for that. ((Camel))

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:10 PM, August 9th (Monday)]

Thank you for the advice and kind words. I really appreciate it. I should be happy and in a better state of mind after a small vacation but in reality things like this just remind me of times we used to have...before getting my whole world destroyed.

Camel, I am not one to minimize the pain betrayed husbands feel. I will tell you that had my wife had an affair early on in our marriage before we had kids, it would still have been off-the-charts painful and horrific. But with no kids, cutting ties and moving on with life would have been a lot easier. A lot.

And I can promise you that when you heal and when you are emotionally ready, there are a ton of quality, awesome women out there in the world who would NEVER do something like this to you. NEVER.

[This message edited by Thumos at 8:45 PM, Monday, August 9th]

I know exactly how you feel. The loss of the dream. Things will never be the same, even if she is perfect for the rest of her life.

I was thinking these exact same words. And I never really thought about it until today that betrayal crushes our dreams and hopes. I would take many of the things like this and others you have shared, put into a letter and leave it for her. Tell her you aren't going to argue any of the points, but this is where you're at. You were cruelly and vivaciously betrayed by the one person in the world who vowed never to do so. And nothing will ever make op for it or change it. Who cares how she may take it.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 7:56 PM, Monday, August 9th]

CAMEL, 2 yrs of marriage and no kids. Divorce her. Don't waste more of your time on this women.

The last thing you want is to have this linger in the background. You are going to be able to find someone else. We all do. It may seem daunting, but many people on here have been able to move on to much better lives without the cheater.

You right now have no kids, and only have been married 2 yrs. Its time to say your good byes to this lady and don't sink more of your life away. You should be in your honeymoon phase of the marriage 2 yrs, but she is already cheating. That is not a good sign.

Sorry for your pain; we've all been there.

Believing you are at fault for your wife's behavior is an unhealthy distortion that an IC can help you work through and release.

Holding your pain inside is also unhealthy--something else an IC can help you with. No need to white-knuckle this alone.

Wishing you peace!

Reading the post history of both you & your wife’s, as far back as the site allows me, perhaps a trial separation is needed.

My ex-wife had her first physical affair in year three of the marriage. She had an EA with her former boss one year into the marriage. I foolishly listened to our MC and stayed. But by that time my feelings for her were crushed and never returned. We had no kids and if I had the benefit of places like SI to get my head on straight I would have divorced her in year three. I stayed six more painful years. We did have a child in that span of time, in spite of my dead feelings toward my ex-wife. But in the end, she cheated again and that was that.

Your marriage is short and you have no children. I would work on what you feel you need to do to make yourself a better partner for your WW or someone else in the future. But why stay and put both of you through this continued hell? I don't know the extent of her affair other than it was physical in nature. Her excuse that you were not a good husband (yes, it is an excuse that she still seems to believe at some level) is in no way acceptable. There are numerous ways to deal with a troubled marriage. Cheating only destroys, it doesn't fix. She may have learned a lesson, but you get to eat the shit sandwich forever.

Given the very short nature of the marriage along with no children to be concerned about, you have your best chance to make a clean break and start over. Unfortunately, if you do stay, you will have to digest that shit sandwich forever along with having to deal with issues of trust. Who needs that crap? BTW, be extremely careful concerning marriage counselors. Many will access blame equally for the affair on both parties. This is an attempt to weaken the resolve of the BS to divorce. Mine did that and I paid horribly for her poor advice.

I know you are reading several books already but I suggest you read Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. This is a very good book, imo.

I have doubts about posting on YOUR thread when offering advice on your relationship.
Having read quite a bit in both your posts and your WW posts I see some issues.
To me it looks like it’s more important to both of you to win, to be right. That need surpasses any wish to reconcile or to change your relationship.

There is a lot of discussion about abuse – abuse your WW claims she experienced and abuse you acknowledge. Yet when push comes to shove it does sound like the "abuse" is what one might expect after d-day. Screaming, angry words and a lack of thought about where and when they are said. Based on what you BOTH share I don’t really see abuse, but rather a lack in constructive communications.
This is a common pattern in confrontation. As a cop I had dozens of people insist I had laid hands on them, only the laying of hands was maybe a gentle placing of the hands in front of me to guarantee distance, and any force was mainly from their momentum in advancing. Yet the focus would be on if I had punched or shoved. If allowed that could turn into an argument over who was abusive rather than whatever issue was really being dealt with.

Then there is the abuse she shows you… The affair definitely is abuse, the threat to keep stepson away is abuse…

But you two seem to focus on the abuse. Your past abuse is used by her as some form of justification or mitigation, her abuse is used by you as a reason to remain married…

Rather than focus on what you both want. As a couple. BOTH! Not you, not her, but BOTH!

If you can’t find that common ground… well… maybe you shouldn’t be married. What is clear however to me is that fear is not a great reason to remain married. Be it your fear of losing out on your stepson or be it that she should fear how life get’s hard if you divorce.

I suggest you BOTH sit down and think what divorce would really be. Two year marriage and it shouldn’t really be that hard technically. Yes – she could keep you away from stepson, but maybe if it becomes more of a real-life rather than a control or manipulation issue then MAYBE it’s also to her advantage and the boys that you get some access. Maybe life after divorce would be harder for her but that’s not really your issue.
You don’t have this talk to divorce, but rather to put the fear of divorce in it’s correct space. Once you do that you two can stop this "I’m forced to be here because I don’t have options" and start focusing on what you BOTH want in a marriage and how to get that.

The problem is not her keeping my step son away....she would move back to her home state and it would be impossible for me to be around as often as I am now. I would likely see him once or twice a year if I'm lucky. She never said she would keep him away, she wants me in his life. Regarding the abuse. I'm not sure anymore. Ya I yell, ya I call her a cheater, a bad mom yada yada yada but I have calmed down. I get angry at times and just can't hold it back. Calling a cheater a cheater shouldn't be a crime and frankly I don't think I can never not call her one. Anytime she wants to talk she just says how am I feeling and I tell her like shit. I don't know what else to say. I get too emotional and angry.

Once you do that you two can stop this "I’m forced to be here because I don’t have options" and start focusing on what you BOTH want in a marriage and how to get that.

Yup. There is a word that I really don't like much when I hear it, almost because it seems to oversimplify--COMMUNICATION. Maybe I don't like it due to my lack of fluidity; maybe I don't like it because at times, it seems like a cure-all.

But what I do believe, is that as much as this word is thrown around here, it truly is accurate. Poor communication leads to TONS of problems. Misinterpretations, building resentments, you name it....so much can be alleviated by talking things through with your partner. That includes the good and the bad.

The bottom line is that you are still processing. I think from her time here, your WW understands this, whether she openly admits to it or not. You'd be better to let her know that you are still undecided as to your future instead of leaving it unsaid. You can let her know you don't think that she is doing enough. You can also let her know if you feel that she is really trying. But whatever you do, don't just drift along. This is where years disappear.

I have let her know that I am giving it a year to process everything and that I am very undecided. I flip between staying and leaving. I shouldn't ever have to decide that. I was here to stay. Just like everyone else I never thought this would happen.