SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well basically the title says it all…

My husband and I have been together for seven years, just tied the knot a year ago. A series of events (we were long distance for my job, then he lost his job) lead to him having a secret affair with a woman for five months. He didn’t even tell me, one of her friends messaged me on social media to tell me what was going on. I had no idea it was even happening and I was completely devastated. We went to couple’s therapy and worked through a lot of our issues. I made the decision, against my better judgment, to forgive him and stay in the marriage. Contact was cut off with the woman he had an affair with and we were finally back in a good place. We renewed our vows at the beginning of the month and we were ready to move forward and start over with our lives. I get another message online the week after our vow renewal stating the girl is pregnant and she claims it is his child. He has been in communication with her to confirm this and it is true. We do not know if she is going to keep the child or not at this point.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone has gone through something similar and how the hell you survived something like this…I just feel devastated all over again. And ashamed for staying. And so incredibly alone. My mind is exploding and I don’t know if this is something I can handle.

I am so sorry for you.

A few suggestions.

There is a thread here in the "I Can Relate" section about betrayed souses who end up with the OW having a baby (other child or OC). You will find good advice here.

While it may be possible your H is the father, it may be possible he is not. People lie and hide the truth. Demand a DNA test first before you make any decisions (if she decides to keep the baby). I don’t know how long ago the affair ended BUT it is possible the child is not fathered by your H.

OW have been known to lie to cause problems in the marriage (after the affair ends). So I just caution you that proof needs to be provided if the OW keeps the baby.

You may be wise to consult an attorney and the OW should be directed to contact the attorney (not your H) at the time the baby is born and the proper documentation is provided to the attorney.

I’m so sorry for you. Obviously this is something the cheater never considers.

You are not a fool for reconciling. If your H never cheats again and is committed to the marriage then you have many positives. But how you handle this baby (if he is the father) will take much work and counseling for you and him.

I am so sorry Hopeful, what an absolute shit sandwich you have been served. I am having trouble getting a feel for when your Dday was, but it seems like it was fairly recent, I think you found out that he fathered the OW's baby the second week of January? That is like yesterday. You are very early in this process and the truth is you have a long way to go. For a large percentage of folks, cheating is a dealbreaker and that is without a living, breathing trigger in the mix.

Can you share more about your confrontation and how your husband acted afterwards? Did he try to blame you? What were his reasons? What has he said about fathering this child? What steps is he taking to make himself a better partner and make you feel safe in staying in this relationship?

You DO NOT deserve this. Nothing you could have done would have prevented this. If you decide to leave, that is OKAY. It is this woman's choice to keep this baby and if she does, it is going to be a lifetime of triggers for you. He will be financially responsible for this child and that takes money away from your marriage. Can you get past that and find happiness even when you see the biweekly child support withdrawn out of your account every other week?

I am so sorry this is happening to you. <3 Keep posting here, we understand what its like to be betrayed. Please don't show this site to your husband yet. Sometimes we give you strategic advice and it doesn't help if he reads here too.

I agree with 1stwife. Request a DNA test. Anyone who has ever watch Maury Povich knows how that goes.

You are not a fool for trying to R, but you probably should have avoided the MC for a bit. Your WH has shown that he is a weak person. He lost his job and starts an A with OW less than a year into your M? He has shown you that he does not honor the M or you. Until his ACTIONS can prove to you that he has changed, you shouldn't offer R. He needs to show you that he is capable of doing the hard work.

You are in a very difficult situation. You didn't say if you have any children with your WH. If not, D will be less complicated, if you choose that route.

Start focusing on yourself and not the M. Take a step back and think for a bit. Then you can make a more clear decision.

Well, he should at least demand a paternity test just to confirm.

That said, I think you need to kick this guy to the curb.

I made the decision, against my better judgment, to forgive him and stay in the marriage. Contact was cut off with the woman he had an affair with and we were finally back in a good place. We renewed our vows at the beginning of the month and we were ready to move forward and start over with our lives.

This sounds way to fast. This isn't the first time I've heard of people renewing vows soon after DDay, but I just don't get it. At least for me a vow renewal is off the table. Only because my vow now would be "For as long as I can hack it" instead of for life. That's my reality in R. If I didn't have permission from myself to at any time change my mind that R isn't working, I don't think I'd want to be married still.

We went to couple’s therapy and worked through a lot of our issues.

You didn't expand on the couples counseling. Did you receive some blame for the A? Did you do things in response to unmet needs from your WH (pick me dance)? Without more details I have no idea if the MC (marriage counseling) helped you or hurt you. Many people on this forum have had a negative experience with MC shortly after an affair. Yes, we own our half of the marriage problems, but an affair is a problem with the cheater, not with the marriage.

Has your husband gone to individual therapy? What has he done to offer recompense, improve his boundaries, and become a safe, loving partner?

I am sorry this has happened to you. You don't deserve it.

But I too, am a little confused by the timeline. Could you tell us how long you were separated, when your WH started the affair, when the person contacted you and how long you went for counseling?

It seems it all happened at the same time and did he really cut contact with her after couple's therapy and your forgiving him?

You see, it takes about two years minimum to start to feel normal after DDay. It can take 2 to 5 years after a betrayal like that. NC with the AP is mandatory and is the first, not the last thing in reconciliation. You've been absolutely sandbagged by what your WH did to you.

It's a fact that you now have to stand back and watch other people act and make decisions affecting your life. It's excruciating. You need a break.

Your WH does not have to actually be in her life whatsoever. He has a financial obligation if the child is his, but nothing else. He doesn't have to take her to prenatal appointments. He doesn't have to buy her things or move her furniture. He does not have to talk to her other than setting up a paternity test and maybe then an appointment with an attorney.

His only obligation is financial and he should be talking to an attorney already. He should not pay one cent to her unless a DNA test has proven the child is his.

Now you said it was against your better judgement to take him back and that was based on his affair alone. Now you should watch to see what priority he assigns to you during this time. You may change your mind.

You are an innocent party and should be his priority. The OW has her own priority and that is her own and her baby's health and well being. Another priority for him is to scrounge up another job. I might be wrong, but if he's not working and you are married to him, won't you have to make the CS payments?

If he had an affair within the first year of marriage, that is not a good sign. This is a lot to process, but I'd revisit your decision to reconcile.

Things don't get easier in a marriage... they get harder. If not being physically co-located for awhile is the reason you have both accepted for his affair, then you are setting yourselves up for a repeat performance any time there is some small obstacle. What happens if you have kids and can't treat him as much attention as he wants? What happens if you have a health problem and can't have sex for awhile? Sounds like any excuse will be enough for him to seek out attention elsewhere.

He either needs to dig WAY deeper to find a "why" that is actually useful in preventing a repeat, or you have some re-thinking to do.

Now add a potential OC into the picture. If you were planning to have kids, his firstborn will always not be with you. He will always have some contact with the child's mother.

Is this relationship really worth all this plus the high risk he will cheat again? Chances are.... no.

But give yourself time. This is so hard, it will take you 6 months just to wrap your brain around it.

Hi, welcome to SI.

I'm sorry you had to find us, but you will find a great deal of support here.

I don't think you honestly thought through the damage your husband has done to your marriage. It is HE who has an issue, not the marriage. He betrays you and pretty much got away with it without any real consequences.

Renewing your vows just after learning about his infidelity is putting a bandaid on the trauma caused by his betrayal, rugsweeping.

It takes years to move through infidelity, gently you were way too quick to move on....your husband brought another woman into your marriage and had someone not had the courage to inform you, you'd continue to be in the dark.

IMO your marriage never really got off the ground bc you've been married just a year, and he cheats? What's his excuse? I hope he didn't blame you because he owns his actions.

I agree with the others, a DNA test is necessary as there is a chance your husband is not the father.

If you were my daughter, I'd more than likely advise you to leave the marriage. Understand if the child is his, this woman will be in your life for the next 18 years.

You should be in your honeymoon phase, and you've been hit with this living hell. I am so sad for you, this time should be one of the happiest and easiest times of your marriage, and you've been dealt a double blow by the man who was supposed to have your back.

Have you informed your family about his actions? Have you consulted an attorney?

A series of events (we were long distance for my job, then he lost his job) lead to him having a secret affair with a woman for five months.

Events didn't lead him to cheat, his self-absorption did.

I made the decision, against my better judgment, to forgive him and stay in the marriage.

Apparently you went to a counselor who focused on "saving" the marriage first without adequate understanding of his problems and your needs. At this point, you may want to go back to square one and start some individual counseling to prioritize your own well being. Individual counseling for your husband is an absolute necessity -- as well as an DNA test.

As far as the baby is concerned, I agree with the other comments. Within months of making a "lifetime" commitment to you, your husband spent five months with another woman and fathered a child with her. If you remain in the marriage, his choice will affect your emotional and financial health forever. That's not something that can be resolved through a couple of sessions focused on communication and his "unmet needs". Put yourself first and do what is best for you.

As an old timer here, I want to say if I had a penny for every time this thread was started, I'd have a whole jar full of them.

That said a few things need to happen.

1. She has to really be pregnant. Lots of AP's (affair partners) pull this one out of their hat of manipulation tactics. More than 50% of them are not even pregnant. About another 25% Miscarry in some dramatic fashion without ever needing to seek the care of a physician or hospital. What I'm saying is AP's are liars.

2. Second if she is pregnant of course you have to establish DNA. For me as a newlywed, and a partner that cheated in the first year, I would be hard pressed to stay, and if that person was now going to be a father to a child that I never wanted in my life, I would have to seriously consider my options, and if being single is the smartest thing.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE consider your options. Not only did your H make a series of bad choices, but he did it when the relationship should be nothing but rainbows and unicorns. Meaning cheating in the first year is not a good predictor of furture behaviors, or having a faithful spouse.

3. NOTHING, ZERO, ZILCH, NADA, Zippo, you did or did not do lead to his choice, yes it was a conscious choice, to cheat. NOTHING you did or did not do lead to him having unprotected sex. NOTHING you did lead to him throwing your vows, and safety and well being away. NOTHING you did caused this. NOTHING you could have done to prevent it either. So that being said, do NOT blame this on being distant.

I would seriously urge you to see a counselor and an attorney to weigh options and possible choices moving forward.
Lastly I want you to check out the healing library, and the I can relate thread about other children.

Keep reading and keep posting.

We went to couple’s therapy and worked through a lot of our issues. I made the decision, against my better judgment, to forgive him and stay in the marriage. Contact was cut off with the woman he had an affair with and we were finally back in a good place. We renewed our vows at the beginning of the month and we were ready to move forward and start over with our lives.

Let me preface my comment by saying that I am not a person who believes that divorce is the only answer. I'm in R myself and I think it's a great option.. IF the WS gets his work done. It kind of sounds though like you might have been railroaded into it by virtue of agreeing to R too quickly.

Couples counseling is great for marital issues like poor communication or unfair division of labor. But cheating is NOT a marriage problem. It's a people problem. It's a CHARACTER problem. It's about integrity, or more to the point, the lack thereof. Oftentimes it's about the voids in a WS's internal view that he stuffs with people, like the need for external validation, drama, or attention. We can't make someone act in direct violation of their core beliefs. Nothing we say or do will cause that. You either believe in something or you don't, right? Your WS was giving lip service to Fidelity. It wasn't a core value. If it was, he couldn't have just abandoned it.

Anyway, if you look in my profile, I have a whole thing about the "unmet needs" model of therapy. Click the little person at the upper left of the post and you'll find it. When you say, "against my better judgment" though, I think that's cause to step back and examine that decision again. In R, there's so much pain and betrayal we have to process. For most people it takes between two and five years to really FEEL healed. One of the key aspects for that healing for me was that I take ownership of my choice to try R and to take daily responsibility for where I chose to plant my feet. People often say it to be mean, but it really is true, "in R, you go from victim to volunteer." My choice was to embrace that and make my own. I don't feel AT ALL like a victim anymore. I got victimized, but I don't have to stay in that mind set.

I tell you all this in order to point out how important it is to make that choice of your own free will and for your own reasons. You need to OWN the ground you choose to stand upon. That's what helps you heal. It's what lifts you out of victim status. So, it might do you well to reconsider your decision to R. No matter how you got there, whether there was pressure from your WH, from the therapist, or from within by virtue of the knee jerk reaction so many of us have to repair the status quo, you went from JFO to vows renewal in less time than it takes for the OW to claim she's pregnant. That's lightning fast. You can't even know what the truth is yet, whether the OW is lying, let alone how you'll feel about staying with a guy who made a kid behind your back and now expects you to give up all the time and money it's going to take to raise that kid. How do you KNOW in this short amount of time that your WH has made the real and lasting changes necessary to repair his broken character???

You get a do-over here. You can change your mind and decide you want out. You can step back and say you want to think about it. You can insist that your WH do more work to PROVE he's actually repaired the internal flaws which made cheating a legitimate choice in his mind. Frankly, you can do whatever the hell YOU WANT right now. You can wait until paternity is proved. You can set limits on how involved you intend to be. Your WH has made his choices and he's going to have to be responsible for what those choices cost. But you have the absolute right to know ALL the facts before agreeing to continue... and you didn't. You're not wrong to reconsider.

I was about to post when I noticed you already have the Big Sisters of SI in your corner. Listen to them!

Gotta agree. Seems way too fast to make a decision on reconciliation. You have no idea of what this man is about.

Two good things about divorcing him: he'll never cheat on you again, and, this woman is out of your life forever.

You have already gotten great advice irrespective of a future decision to reconcile or divorce.
I won’t hide my opinion: I think that with this short a marriage and already dealing with infidelity your best option might be to divorce totally irrespective of the child, but that is entirely up to you. What I do want you to do however is to base your decision on the most correct and applicable data available.

Research online, ask a knowledgeable friend or relative or consult an attorney on some issues:
If the child is his will he be accountable for support?
What would that amount be and for how long?
Can that be garnished off his wages?
Can there be legal implications if he defaults?
What rights and expectations are there?
Are there legal implications such as rights to access, inheritance…

It’s quite some time since I was a young father, but I remember months where my kids wore worn coats or didn’t take part in activities because money was tight. That’s normal – to be expected – when you are young, buying a home, paying your car, starting your career and raising a family.
I don’t recall my youngest ever getting a new bike – always hand-me-downs from his older siblings. You need to prioritize and find ways to make ends meet. Now imagine that scenario where you might be trying to find ways to feed your first and second child (his second and third…) and keep them in soccer or piano lessons while on a tight budget, and when you look at his pay-slip you always see the same fixed amount taken for the support of his first-born.

The option of ignoring the child and/or not supporting it? Well… the OW might make a claim that she won’t demand anything from your husband. Just keep a couple of things in mind:
First: She can at any time change her mind. Once she starts battling being a single mom and trying to make ends meet she can at the drop of a dime request child support.
Second: I would be reluctant for my daughter to be in a relationship with a man that didn’t shoulder his responsibilities. If he fathered the child, he needs to meet some (AT LEAST) ethical requirements. Such as financially support and acknowledge the child.

Your husband needs to hire an attorney, and said attorney needs to be hired whether or not you are going to stay together.

Once the attorney (a family law specialist) is hired, all communication with the AP goes through the attorney. No exceptions. It's usually at this point that the "miscarriage" happens. You see, it's all fun and games until the shit gets real. Getting a letter from an attorney getting the shit real for the AP is important. If she ISN'T pregnant, then this forces her hand. If she IS pregnant, then your husband is protected, legally, from anything she might do. Suffice it to say that he does not have ANY further contact with her. None. And you need to determine the consequence for broken NC and be prepared to enact it.

The attorney will know how to petition to determine paternity, etc. You simply cannot force the woman to undergo a paternity test without the power of the court. Such testing will be done so that it cannot be compromised, which is also very important. The attorney will guide your husband through all the various scenarios, including his obligation should the child prove his and she intends to raise the child and seek child support.

As others have said, couples counseling (though well-intended) is premature at this point. He has to figure out why he chose this course of action, and you need to get in touch with your needs, feelings and concerns about this. Those things need to be sorted separately, not together.

But first, you need legal protection. Hiring an attorney should be the first thing you do.

Cat

You need to protect your rights. Laws vary by state but here are a few suggestions:

As I said in the first post the birth mother/AP needs to prove paternity. So she will not get child support without it.

As Catwoman stated, the hiring of an experienced attorney is very important.

IF your H must pay child support it is important it is based on his salary only. I suggest this year you file your taxes married but separate. Not a joint return. You each file your own tax return. This way only his tax return/income is reported - not joint earnings.

I suggest separating your bank accounts as well. His check is in a joint account but your paycheck or $ is in an account in your own name. He is not a beneficiary of your accounts either.

Don’t wait for the child to be born to do this. Do it now in preparation for the possibility your H may have to pay CS (child support).

Protect yourself. That’s what needs to happen now.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, IMHO I think you should just file for D and don't look back, if you had to "renew your vows" after only being M one year and due to infidelity no less then your M is a farce, had you not been told he would still be in the A. I honestly think it's not worth it, he's already shown you who he is, a proven cheater and a liar. You were supposed to be in the so called "honeymoon phase" and he was already cheating during a pandemic no less and potentially exposing you to STDs/STIs (btw don't forget to get tested, some STDs could remain dormant for years). Run !!!

I have some issues with the1stWifes post.

Not that there is anything seriously wrong in her advice and in fact it’s all rather good…

If anything, then it brings up a new problem moving forward that I haven’t really thought about.

But…

First the nuance: Other than letting the OW know that the alleged father will deny paternity there shouldn’t be any contact. It varies between states and countries, but generally if a woman isn’t married or there isn’t a man that willingly acknowledges paternity she has to sue for paternity. Sometimes it’s as easy a process as she says the dad is Jack Doe, Jack Doe get’s a formal letter informing him of the claim and he either acknowledges or accepts through inaction (by not replying). If Jack refuses then the mother has to start a formal process where a court will demand dna or whatever other method is used.

The new problem?
Well… I don’t think a man should strive to minimize or escape child-support. Part of being a man is stepping up to your responsibilities and if the child is his it’s his child. He should pay fair support.
But… look at the tax suggestion T1W makes. It’s realistic… It’s realistic that for some years you two need to fuddle your finances to minimize the odds of you losing your house because he didn’t pay his CS. Your ability to get a mortgage impacted by him bringing a lower amount to the table. Keep in mind financial issues are a greater cause for divorce than infidelity, and here you are with two lame horses pulling your marriage…
(the above paragraph somehow dropped out when I originally posted. Edited to add)

How willing your husband is to stay away from the pregnancy, being informed of the process and all that is a clear indicator on his R-ability.

Sorry we aren’t giving your marriage much hope and if you don’t agree with what we say then counter us. Give us info on what he has done to work things out, what ideas he has to the paternity and what his suggestions are moving onwards.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:42 PM, Wednesday, February 2nd]

While I am in complete agreement that the father of a child should be on the hook for child support, I do think The 1st Wife has given you some good advice on what to do in the interim in terms of separating your tax returns and separating your finances. If you do divorce (which I wonder if that isn't the best thing, given the circumstances), this gives you a better and more clear path forward financially.

But let me address some other things that your WS should be doing in HIS best interest. He should not verbally or in writing acknowledge that he is the father, and he should not attend any doctor appointments, etc. ALL contact should go through the attorney that he needs to hire. If he does things like verbally acknowledge paternity or attends MD appointments, it could be inferred in court that he is liable. Only a paternity test should be used to confirm or deny paternity and she will have to petition the court for that to happen (which is why he should retain an attorney, STAT).

Personally I think cheating within the first several years of a marriage indicates an unsuitability for marital fidelity in the future. Yes, people do reconcile under circumstances like this, and yes, marriages do survive in these difficulties. But if he's willing to do this so soon into the marriage, what's he going to do when things get really tough? And should the child prove to be his, how will you feel about his involvement with said child and the child's mother? How will you explain these things to your children once they are old enough to figure things out?

I think IC for you would be a worthwhile use of your time and money. You could use some objective views on where you are and where you might head.

Cat