SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Serve and ghost.

That way you won’t muck it up.

You will be compelled to get answers, find out why, give her a piece of your mind, then you’ll lose your composure, shit the bed, compromise yourself and fall prey to a WS’s many seductions and manipulations.

Ghost her like LL Cool J, starring over the top of your Thug Life shades miles past her into the horizon of your limitless possibilities.

The deafening sound of silence and indifference will make a more profound and dignified parting impression than anything else you could possibly do.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:37 AM, Monday, February 14th]

Please take care of yourself. Eat, drink, sleep, be active.

What you're feeling is the impact of infidelity trauma. Your whole reality has been upended. You're adrift and trying to find something solid to latch onto, some way to put the the pieces back together. You may feel an impulse to cling to your WS once the initial anger wears off. Just remember that she is not a safe place to turn for support.

I hope you’re doing well today and taking care of yourself. Sending you prayers for strength and distance from this horrible situation.

Did she come home? Did you confront her? Did you meet with a lawyer?

Sending more thoughts of strength your way.

Sending strength to you; I am so sorry you are in this club (but glad that you found us). You're going to be okay.

I suggest you confront her, after all she's going to go back to the house and what are you going to tell her then ? "Hi"?. Just get it over with, tell her you know and that she will be served D papers, she will probably deny it at first, keep it short, show her the video from a distance or simply text it to her, tell her you have a lot more (don't let her touch your phone) and that you have known for a while, make sure you stop by the bank and get half of the money and cancel all joint credit cards and don't forget to get tested for STDs.

Edited to add: I also recommend you call a trusted friend/relative to be there with you at least during the confrontation. You deserve so much better than this proven unremorseful cheater and liar, keep us posted, we've "seen" this happen THOUSANDS of times here.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 4:05 AM, Wednesday, February 16th]

How are you doing today? Sending you strength to get up and care for yourself. I hope you have a friend you can turn to and receive support.

I'm assuming you've talked to your wife by now.

If you haven't spoken, I suggest you take a friend with you and have them do the talking. You may be in another room. Do not forget to record a camera or audio recording. I think you cannot force him to leave the house without speaking to a lawyer, for the purpose of protection against complaints or self-harm. Ask her to take her things and leave and notify the father of her children. he may also want to do something for the children on his side.

she has nothing to tell, in fact, she will deny what you know, when she realizes that she cannot convince you, she will try to hurt you, perhaps by insulting you.

If you are determined to divorce, contact the lawyer and have it serviced at the workplace. Spend time and talk with people who will support you.

Inform ap's bs and she will do what she wants. Maybe she can get them fired.

Just going to jump right in …

Early Sunday evening, I heard keys in my front door and it was my wife. It was such a shock to see her. I had already planned two things for the next day (Monday): a first-thing visit to my lawyer and a trip up north into the true wilderness, to a resort at which I have always wanted to stay. I didn’t have a set plan for how I would confront; but I wasn’t expecting or wanting it to occur in person.

The scene was chaos. She was on the offensive from the off, going at a million miles an hour for my stunned brain. Basically, this is what seemed to have occurred: late Sunday afternoon, OBW drove to the hotel, asked the front desk to phone her husband and tell him his wife was in the lobby waiting to see him. He apparently stuck to his story for a few minutes, then eventually managed to talk his wife into having their confrontation back at their home.

Most amazing … most disgusting was that my wife WAITED at the hotel until after POSOM and OBW had it out, clearly so that she could (a) see what OBW and I knew, and so that she could (b) get her eventual story to me as straight as possible. I know she must have waited, because OBW texted me about 30 minutes before my wife came home to say, "Sorry … just couldn’t wait. Had to have it out with him."

I asked her how it went and she said that he said it was all ‘fantasy’ and that they hadn’t even kissed yet. When she asked him to explain the overnight at the hotel (x2), he claimed that—due to the fact that his special weekend meetings were moved online at the last minute—he just thought it would be easier to stay there. He said that the ‘thrill’ of their relationship is in pushing flirtations to the limit without touching each other.

When his wife said she didn’t believe a word of it, and when she had pushed him, he said that that weekend was the closest they have come to anything inappropriate occurring. He admitted that what they DID do was to engage in several masturbation sessions right in each other’s presence, throughout the weekend, but that they did not and have not ever touched.

So, no point in repeating: this was the precise story I was so deeply fortunate to receive on Sunday night, from my wife. What made me sick was how accurately it aped everything I had just heard from OBW. It would have somehow all been more credible if my wife had diverged on certain details. But no: the stories were mirror-images of each other.

Truthfully? The best way I could describe how I processed things on Sunday night was that it felt like an out of body experience. I felt absolutely no emotion—none at all—as I watched this complete stranger perform her role as a shocked-to-be-accused-but-definitely-loyal spouse.

After she had vomited out her lengthy (prepared) script, I just quietly got up from the table and left the room. This incensed her and she followed me to the bedroom. She then donned another mask: this time, she was the Righteously Angry Spouse. She said that my indifference to her being so honest, just then, was emblematic of my larger indifference towards her throughout our marriage and that her fantasy roleplay, or whatever, was the natural corollary of suffering through my indifference.

At that point, I just started laughing. Admittedly it wasn’t a cool laugh. More of a psycho one. It seemed to scare her a little, which left me with a window to intervene and just basically list off every element—almost since the day we met—which showed the precise opposite of ‘indifference’. In fact, I went on to say that if I was guilty of anything, it would be that I had cared for her too much.

She then started crying and blubbering and pleading, which was the least attractive thing I think I have seen on a woman. She tried hugging me and touching me, and I gently pushed her away.

I then just, in a very calm but weary voice, said: "You are no longer my wife. Honestly? Even if what you describe is entirely true, you were deep into an emotional affair and that is just as unacceptable to me as a physical affair. That said, I don’t believe a single word you are saying. You have lost all credibility. Our differences are irreconcilable. Tomorrow, I am leaving to get out of here for a while. Before I do, my lawyer will set in motion the necessary paperwork to issue divorce proceedings. Please spend the night somewhere else tonight. I plan to be back here Friday or Saturday. I expect you to have moved everything out of my house by then. The extent to which you cooperate with, and respect, my wishes will influence how fair, or not, I will be in the aftermath of all of this."

She just cried and cried and begged me to understand that it was all just a misunderstanding and that she would do ANYthing to get back to the way things were. I told her that was an impossibility. I knew that if I was physically on site, she would just draw it out; so I told her I was going out for a drive, and expected her to be gone when I came back. Thankfully, she was gone when I returned.

Oh and I recorded the entire episode. Thank you, SI, for that advice.

Anyway, here I am in the wilderness. I feel very sad and alone. I think I am more at peace in my soul, because I am no longer suffering the agony of being deprived and deceived. But I am conflicted. I did / do love this woman. Maybe she does deserve a second chance. Maybe this was just something she needed to ‘get out of her system’.

But then, I think about the many steps I have already taken to unmoor myself financially from her. When, yesterday, she discovered some of the things I have (legally) done to cut her off from me financially, I received a series of angry and incredulous texts from her. But this morning, I have been receiving texts and voice messages from—seemingly—the most loving, faithful, adoring wife any man could conjure from his wildest imaginings.

I think, as I sort all of this through, I will need to remember the angry texts from her and not the others. She has also said she wants to drive up to where I am and for us to spend ‘days’ making love – so I can physically tell (from that) that there is no way she could be suffering from divided loyalties.

I’ll be honest and say that even though it feels right and healthy and freeing to be going down this stream of separation, there is a big part of me that also wants to see if there is a way forward with her. This is truly a rollercoaster of emotions for me.

So she is trying to convince you that they just masturbated in front of each other??

Lies.

Please don't have sex with her. For 2 reasons..

In some states, when a BS has sex with a WS, it means they condone the infidelity, thereby affecting the divorce settlement.

Two..she needs to be tested for stds. Don't risk your health.

There is no way forward when the WS is defensive, and lying. Her tears are for herself, because she doesn't like the consequences. They have nothing to do with your pain.

Very sorry for what you are going through. As I recall from your story, your wife became a different person almost from the day you married her. So, after almost a year of neglect, obfuscation, and bullshit, she wants to go back to the way things were basically before you two married. Wow, just wow. She is either a whack job, bipolar, split personality, or a cunning she devil. She is truly a messed up person. You may wish to have a heart-to-heart talk with her ex-husband if you desire to find out which of these things she might be. Don't get sucked in. Continue on your course to get rid of her.

I’ll be honest and say that even though it feels right and healthy and freeing to be going down this stream of separation, there is a big part of me that also wants to see if there is a way forward with her.

It is absolutely WAY too soon to even consider this at this time. She is in 100% CYA mode and is willing to say anything and/or love/sexbomb you to weaken your resolve. Any true wayward here will confirm it’s impossible she’s hit true remorse at this very early stage, and that without true remorse, R is impossible.

Keep your resolve towards D. The D process will take a LONG time and during this time you will start to get a better idea of who the real person your WW is by strictly examining her actions. If she does everything a truly remorseful WW should do, then perhaps shortly before the final decree is issued, you could consider her signing a post-nup with significant teeth in it, and consider R by hitting the pause button on the D.

In any case, you CANNOT drive anything of the R process. She must do it all. Watch what she does in the coming months as you go down the D road. Does she own all responsibility for the failure of the M or does she blameshift as well? Does she readily concede to favorable terms for you in the D or does she hire a shark? Is she willing to inform all family that she’s the one who torpedoed the M? Etc etc. You see what I mean.

Do NOT fall for her tears or sex-bombing. You have no idea who you are married to right now, and those things have tripped up many a BH!

Thank you for the update. Myself and I am sure some others here were getting concerned for you. Glad you are doing as well as can possibly be expected in this situation. Always remember, after she was caught she stuck to a ridiculous story instead of coming clean. When her AP was confronted she did not come back to you to confess. Instead she stayed away and worked on that ridiculous story. I can't imagine how she would ever be trustworthy again. Remember, when she discovered you had moved to protect yourself financially, her first response was anger - this from a cheater. You have done better than most people in your situation.

One more thing. I agree with others she’s full of shit with their concocted story. If you were tempted even for a moment to believe it, tell her she’ll be undergoing a formal lie detector test on that and much more. I bet her reaction to that will say it all….

OP - I recommend that you tell her that you need a timeline and then will verify that timeline with a polygraph.

Then, wait to see her reaction. If she refuses and acts indignantly, then you have your answer right then and there that they had sex. If she agrees readily, then I would set up the poly and give her a week to give you her timeline.

This course of action will give you the much needed truth that you currently don’t have. If it turns out that they didn’t have sex, and you feel so inclined to potentially pursue R, then you can do so knowing the truth snd with eyes wide open.

Under no circumstances should you even consider R without a timeline verified by a poly.

I must say you handled yourself well and kept your wits about you. There is something referred to here as the “cheaters handbook” which consists of typical WS justifications and behaviors. It’s not a real book, but the behaviors repeat themselves so often it could be. You just witnessed several chapters of the cheaters handbook.

The blameshifting, the sobbing, the sudden shift from anger to pleading, the ridiculous story and attempts to manipulate you.

Great advice on watching, the timeline and the polygraph. What came through to me is that your WW takes your good nature for granted. She believes she can manipulate you to believe anything and succumb to love-bombing and sex. She demonstrated severe disrespect to you last weekend for her own selfish reasons. Does she have the capacity to change and really look at how horribly she behaved. Watch her actions not her words. You are doing well.

Does she know you have the shared Word document? Did the OBS mention this during the lobby confrontation to her husband, such that WS overheard?

I mention it to glean whether her reference to this all as a fantasy and about pushing boundaries is 60% crap or 80% crap.

Did you tell her you are communicating frankly with OBS?

[This message edited by straightup at 7:40 PM, Wednesday, February 16th]

OP. Glad you posted update. Your response so far is spot on. Everything you've gone through and everything you will go through is completely normal unfortunately.

Your WW response reminded me of my story. My XWW had an affair with her boss and he would stay in a hotel by our house. I tracked her there using GPS and I got this line of shit "We were in the lobby just drinking coffee and talking" I even believed it.

I remember asking the manager of the hotel if he had ever seen my wife and his response was,, as I look back . laughable. He must've thought I was an idiot to even ask.

Needless to say, if a hotel is involved then sex is involved. Anything outside of that is pure bullshit. I had to learn that the hard way.

You are very early in your journey and soon you'll want to "reclaim" what was once yours. It's natural for men going through this. This will lead to HB and again, it's a natural part of the process.

Unless, you've committed to D and are at peace with it. If so, then good for you. You'll be able to bypass the rest of this emotional shit show.

Just know that if you act on anything you're sucked right back into her nonsense.

I also want to compliment you on your confrontation with her. I was smiling ear to ear to see your response. I'm personally happy you confronted her. Although she didn't give you much choice. Years from now you'll look back and you'll be proud of what you did.

To be clear, what you did was stand up for yourself and stopped being a rug she walks on. You have taken your life back and you can now control your destination in life.

These next couple weeks will make or break you. Stand tall and stay focused and you'll get through this eventually. We are here to help.

Keep posting

Please take the time to secure your own valuables--perhaps at a friend's house or rent a storage unit. Take photographs of every room in your house so that when you come home to her having stripped the place, you'll have documentation of the same. But seriously--all of your financial records, family valuables and such--get them OUT of there. Now. This is someone you simply cannot trust in the least.

Good luck.

Cat

NC is probably is best.

But, if you're feeling salty, when she says or texts more nonsense start quoting chapter and verse from that Word document.

Well done on that surprise confrontation. You fended off a hard charging maniac there.