SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you think you may want to R, then I have a suggestion or two.

Watch what your cheating spouse does over the next few months. It will be telling.

I told my H on dday2 I had no choice but to D him. I didn’t yell or get emotional. In fact I was very calm and rational.

He begged me to R. I refused.

However he never took no for an answer. He started doing everything possible to make amends and try to turn this ugly situation around. I offered no help or support. I never made suggestions on things he should do or shouldn’t do. I decided if he had enough Brain power to cheat, then he had enough brain power to figure out how to make amends. On his own.

He did manage to turn it around. It took months. Years. I never made it easy for him. Both R and D are hard.

I’m glad you stood up for yourself. You will never regret that.

Only you know if you can be the kind of spouse who will reconcile. It may take months to figure that out too.

Take your time to decide what is best for you. But if you don’t see any action from her immediately then I don’t know if she has the ability to do what it takes or if she WANTS to do what it takes to make amends.

Keep posting here.

Please don’t let the cheater sweep this under the rug. That is one of the worst mistakes I made 15 years ago during my H’s first affair.

Her lies should be absolutely insulting to you. She used her kids as excuse to have a sex weekend with this guy. gross. And she verbally attacked you when you did not retreat and believe her lies???? DO NOT have sex with her. Continue down the d path and watch her actions. Think about how callously she waited for the other man to return from the confrontation just to concoct a story where they didn't have sex (THEY DID!) so she could continue to deceive you. This is no mistake. She was and is actively trying to claw back control and she does not care if it is at your expense. She will sex bomb you to have you not take away the lifestyle you provide for her. It won't be because she is remorseful but because she suddenly is facing actual consequences which she did not ever expect to face.

Take all the time you need away from her. Maintain no contact if possible. You cannot process your thoughts with her chaos in your face.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 8:27 PM, Wednesday, February 16th]

I think you are handling her infidelity as best as you can. Kudos to you for keeping your calm during the confrontation.

I agree with the others, she is lying. She and OM more than likely concocted this BS story.

My WH and his AP did the same thing....they only kissed in the car. Too bad I had email evidence to prove they were both lying through their teeth.

Always keep in mind....cheaters lie and deny. Repeatedly.

She will sex bomb you.

^^She's also a master manipulator. Be careful and stay vigilant.

I have been following your story. So far, no one has suggested this, but do you know the circumstances of your WW’s divorce from her first husband?

When I divorced my WH, even though it wouldn’t help with the settlement, I listed the reason as a adultery. I wanted any future girlfriend or wife of his to have access to that information. He wanted it removed from our divorce decree but I refused. I wonder if you could pull a copy of her divorce paperwork from the courthouse. If she’s a repeat cheater, it might help you understand that it’s just who she is.

You are a safe haven for your wife, she will follow the healthy growth of her children, solve financial responsibilities, while living in a relationship, she will not have to think that her children are alone at home during their time with AP. It's nice to be together for the holidays and stuff.

you are a good provider but she wants ap.

they were caught red-handed. While making a plan to overcome this situation, he receives support from AP. AP learned what you know from his wife. He may even be angry with your wife for her carelessness.

remember your last trip. remember their correspondence with ap. Remember that she accused you of cheating on her. You took pictures of her car in the parking lot.

she felt that your behavior had changed during the trip, but she had no trouble lying to spend the weekend with AP. she didn't want to spend more time with you and find out what your problem was.

She came home knowing she had been caught, but didn't even respect you enough to honestly apologize and didn't think about the trauma you've caused. she tried to control the situation. she was offended (angry) at your reaction and blamed you. showed emotional reactions (crying, begging, partially apologizing, etc.) when you were indifferent.

These are general responses. insincere, out of control, trying to persuade you to believe her lies.

You don't need to be roommates with someone who has a history of cheating in your relationships (you can't be their ap's)

If it was a long marriage and kids, I'd like you to try. Now you should consider getting a divorce before you get any further damage or give him another chance.

Marriage doesn't mean much to him.

I can totally understand how your resolve might waiver back and forth despite you knowing the best way to handle this.It's tough to just stop caring about your wife or even see her as the enemy she's decided to be. Since she's offered to prove herself maybe offer her other options besides coming up to your cabin and having sex.

She can give you the whole story with no lies. She can make a complaint to HR about her AP and admit her own complicity in the complaint. She can tell any friends and family that matter what she's done and what you're going through.

When she fails to do any or all of those things. You'll know you're headed in the right direction.

It's funny (not 'laugh' funny, but 'strange' funny) how many betrayed spouses continue to say, "But I still love WS", after WS has behaved so badly for such a long period of time.

A one night stand? Sure. An emotional affair that lasted for six weeks and then WS realized it was wrong and came clean and took every step they could to go no contact? Yeah, I get it.

But when the WS acts in a way that is consistent with how a psychopath would act-- repeated events over a prolonged period of time, each one of which shows a lack of even basic human empathy for BS (never mind the empathy that you'd expect of a spouse), the ease and fluidity with which they tell lies, both explicit and implied, the lack of respect for BS and children, and so on-- that's where I don't get the "I still love them." Love that is so unconditional seems worthless to me. If I can do or say anything-- literally anything-- and it won't cause you to stop loving me, then why is your love valuable to me in the first place? It's obviously not *me* you love; it's some abstract notion of me. I want to be loved because of who I am, and if I change enough, I expect that love to cease.

I wonder how often the BS is really in love with a mental construct of their WS, not the actual WS themself. I wonder how often "dependency" is mistaken for "love". I wonder how often the declaration of love is driven purely by intellect, and doesn't reflect actual emotion.

The person that has taken the actions that your wife has is not someone I could fall in love with. I doubt if it's someone you could have fallen in love with. Maybe give some thought to how much you continue to really love her-- and if the answer is that you still genuinely love her a bunch, then maybe examining "Why am I still so much in love with someone who I would not fall in love with in the first place if I knew who they really were?"

Hopefully you have locked down all technology she may be able to access. Change any passwords she may know as well.

I hope the wilderness is healing your wounded soul. Beware of too much solitude, infidelity does not allow for a quiet mind and it can be torturous.

Stay the course ! Your WW won't ever change.
I wish you the best.

I do understand the feelings of wanting to go back. Don't Do It.

Let's look at events here. Why did your WW's sexcapade weekend w her boss get cut short? Why did she come home early? Was it guilty feelings on her part? She realized what a wonderful man you are? NOPE. Instead, your WW's MM was confronted by OBS. And MM went home w his OBS. So her weekend w her MM was cut short by other events. Moreover, it probably became all too clear to WW that she is MM's second choice. So now that MM cut her off, she went home to you.

Don't let her in.

To see where your WW's mind really is, after all the ways she lied and betrayed to you, she is angry that you cut her off from your money.

You're doing great. Keep on the path you are on. And more to the point, tell your lawyer not to let you change your mind about divorcing WW. Don't let him let you talk him out of divorce.

ETA: Oh yeah, the 'we didn't even touch' excuse...pure comedy and just not true. And even besides that, a woman and a man married to different people have no business getting a hotel room together--even if it truly is just to play checkers.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:32 AM, Thursday, February 17th]

First off. I know it hurts. We all do. You have been betrayed by the person whom you cared for the most.

Secondly I want you to know you handled this like a champ. It’s probably the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. But We want you to know you’ll recover.

Thirdly, loving someone does not mean they are right for you to be partnered and attached to. It takes a special type to relationship, built on more than just love, to make a marriage. She doesn’t have that in her to make happen.

Lastly, she is not right now someone that deserves a 2nd chance. She is not that person. She is not the woman you thought she was. Could she become that person, sure, but it would take years. Years of psychotherapy and deliberate actions needed to rebuild.

She is welcome to try and do that. But you canNOT make her do it. Nor should you. It only works if she does those things of her own volition. And in these few hours after confrontation she is showing you she is not someone who has it in her to make it happen. Time will tell.

And that means right now the only path you have is the one you communicated with her. Divorce. I’m sorry but it’s true. You do t have to wait those years on the off chance she can do it.

If down the road she comes to you, years later and proves she’s worthy of that opportunity, then you can decide if you are in the right place in your life to make it happen.

My hope is you will have by then found your true life partner and can simply wish your ex-W well in her journey.

Sending you strength. Keep posting and find your own trauma therapist to work with.

Take care.

I should add, a truly remorseful cheating spouse does not remedy the destruction by adding fuel on the fire thru sex bombing.

A truly remorseful wayward wife stands by your side and tells you what a piece of shit she was. She immediately puts in job applications and takes a leave from her current position.

Without prompting she writes a timeline and gives you the names of 3 reputable polygraph examiners from which you can choose.

In that time line she puts in not only everything g physical that she did, but what she was thinking and feeling as well.

And she tells you the truth, and not some lame and insulting story of mutual masturbation, of which in itself is completely justification for D, but that she also sucked his D three times, let him do her up against the wall and the 3rd time was penetration of the not so usual kind.

Did you ever discuss the Word Doc? Did you discuss the words she used with him that were supposed to be reserved only for you?

As I said above, she’s doing all the wrong things right now. Its understandable, no one expects to be a cheater after marriage. Rebuilding is a learned skill.

Live in your pain for a while. But know that sex isn’t going to heal it.

Go thru with the D and live your life for a while on your own. Things will become clearer over time. You are doing well. You have a long way to go. You are only moments after the Big Bang (pun semi intended) and earth hasn’t even been formed yet, let alone life on it.

Again Take care.

You handled the confrontation great, but for others reading this should be "Exhibit A" for why you confront first (keeping control of the flow of events) then you tell OBS, your WW and OM had plenty of time to get their stories "straight", granted a ridiculous one.

what they DID do was to engage in several masturbation sessions right in each other’s presence, throughout the weekend, but that they did not and have not ever touched.

Not that this makes it any better, but I would bet to differ, don't even offer a polygraph with this ridiculous story, the staggering mental gymnastics required to even start to belive such bullshit is incredible, two people cheating for months in a hotel room during Valentine's weekend got naked and "just masturbated in front of each other during the whole time", come on but you know this is ridiculous, after reading hundreds of stories here and in other forums this one would probably make the top 10 on the "bulshit meter".

You don't need a polygraph, at least not now, you need a D lawyer and file, you can always stop the process and stop it if she comes around, but right now she's not a good candidate for R by a very long shot, remember her Valentine sexcapade just got cut short by OBS and she came home "swinging" without showing an ounce of regret much less remorse.

metonymy

You are doing great!

Please remember to take care of yourself. Keep up fluids (water!) Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Exercise if possible.

Also please see your doctor, first for STD testing, and if you are having a difficult time with sleep, etc.

OP you are getting a lot of great advice here, please listen to them. The group here knows what they are talking about, and predicted everything that was going to happen to you. They have not been wrong yet, and probably wont be.

If you want to see the real person your wife is b/c you say that in your mind, you still love this lady and think just maybe, maybe you want to give her a chance, ask for a Post Nuptial Agreement.

I recall earlier in your thread, you are well to do, and retired early. Me thinks that your WW married you for money, and why I say that is once she got you on lock, her personality changed. She figured she was on the money train, now she could go get her sex elsewhere. As hard as it might be hear here, its a real thing. Gold Diggers are for real.

Just tell your WW that if she is willing to do anything to make it up to you, that you will be divorcing her, and then she will sign a prenupt. Cut off the money, and see the REAL woman you married. You're going to see the real her when this happens. She also knows she cannot go back to the AP, b/c now he's gonna be on lock down trying to save his own ass, he will most likely dump your wife. Don't be surprised if that's already happened.

If you do happen to get a timeline and poly, do the OBS a favor and share this with her. The AP and your WW may be concocting lies together to save themselves, but don't be surprised if they start throwing each other under the bus to save themselves, so if you get info from your WW, share that with the OBS and vice versa.

With your short term marriage you're better off Divorcing her, what should have been your honeymoon stage she already cheated on you. That's a really poor way to start a marriage and not a good sign for a long future. Take the hint.

Thanks for the update OP. You handled this shitstorm about as good as could be expected. Kudos on informing the OM’s wife.

Your WW’s behaviour and reactions are so very typical. Her "story" is so insanely laughable, and not in a haha kind of way.

I wouldn’t bother with a timeline or poly, why bother now, no real point given she has admitted to a laughable EA story and what everyone with half a brain can see was physical.

Given you have only been married for a very short time, she is definitely not "wife" material.

Sorry to hear this update. Betrayal is hard and yours is tough.

She fed you the biggest line of bullshit they could imagine together.

Too much evidence has probably been destroyed. OBW should demand to see the "last minute cancellation". That's pure bullshit. My wife said "plus ones aren't allowed" to go to a holiday party with her AP (prior to dday). On dday, I said, "Show me the email that invited you to the party, I bet it says plus ones allowed". That was but one of an avalanche of lies that were uncovered by a full admission and complete electronic transparency.

I don't think there is a chance she told you the full truth. Not even close.

If you want to try for R, and I'm not trying to push for it here, she would need to give you a complete written timeline with polygraph to confirm. Complete electronic transparency including gps tracking and access to all devices and accounts. There are hundreds of other things, but that would be what you would need to even consider the possibility out of the gate. For now, she is still lying and it's safe to assume the affair is ongoing.

Well, I suppose you know this, but it has to be said. The claim that these two adults did nothing but expose each other’s genitals to each other and jacked and jilled without touching each other is simply the single most ridiculous bs impossible irrational story we have yet seen on this board.

So your ditz wife expects you to believe this and will fuck you blind to prove it?

The only thing that is apparent is that she thinks you are a complete idiot. No other explanation is possible.

Which shows she is a desperate moron.

You should divorce her for this reason alone!

If my woman cheats on me, or I think she’s cheating on me, she’s gone. No exceptions. Sorry you gotta deal w this bullshit.

Just my 2 cents (sorry for my imperfect english) : when you are in a relationship, there are several possible modes.

- The first is that both partners respect each other. The relationship is balanced.

- The second: one of the two partners does not respect the other. The relationship becomes a relationship of power.

One thing I always tell myself is that when you are in relationship based on power, the power is owned by the one who is less afraid of losing the relationship.

Let's keep that in mind, and read this passage again:

This incensed her and she followed me to the bedroom. She then donned another mask: this time, she was the Righteously Angry Spouse. She said that my indifference to her being so honest, just then, was emblematic of my larger indifference towards her throughout our marriage and that her fantasy roleplay, or whatever, was the natural corollary of suffering through my indifference.

She had an affair and disrespected you. Then she came and told you lies and that it was all your fault.
This IS the behavior of a person who knows she has power over someone else.
At this point your wife is showing you exactly how she perceives you. There were similar markers in your writing when you described how she deprived you of oral sex: she used the power she has over you.

Then :

She then started crying and blubbering and pleading, which was the least attractive thing I think I have seen on a woman. She tried hugging me and touching me, and I gently pushed her away.

This is the behavior of a person who realizes she is losing that power.

By standing for yourself, you have become the person who owns the power. You have become the person who is least afraid of losing the relationship.

Until she has become a person who can sincerely respect you, you should not give that power back. Don't let your fear dictate your behavior.