SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 2years and 2months out from D-Day and still wake everyday with that horrible tummy churning anxiety. I had hoped it would ease, especially as I felt it during the time of WH’s 2 year physical affair, so it’s going on 4 years now.

I know he is no longer cheating, drinking or watching porn. I can see some positive changes. I just don’t know if I can ever forgive him. It’s the way he treated me and the children during the affair and in the initial aftermath of discovery, that I really struggling with.

I still don’t know his why’s, he is still in IC and trying to figure it out. After D-Day there was lots of blame toward me and trickle truth for around 8 months, which was torture. He made my weight a big issue and this has really affected my self esteem. I feel weak for staying and like he’s just putting on an act and will revert back at any moment. I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do for our boys. But now I see them behaving like him at times and wonder what I am teaching them with regards to relationships and respect.

I thought we were in R but not sure that he is doing as much as he should to make me feel safe. This is why my gut still churns and twists. Everyone says trust your gut - should I just give up on trying to R - as I don’t really feel any better than I did 4 years ago. I can’t help feel something is missing? I know nobody can tell me what to do - just would appreciate some advice. If anyone else felt like this for so long - what did they do ? Thank you for reading x

If you feel like he isn't doing enough you should tell him that.

That's basically what I said when I ran out of energy. I asked for a divorce in writing. I think only the BS really knows when they have had enough. That's why we say you have to be willing to lose the M to save it. This doesn't sink in until you are really ready to lose the M.

Also, the chances of fully stopping porn use are very low. Idk if your WH is a porn addict and has to stop to be a productive person or if it was just a boundary you set after discovering the A.

Do you have full electronic transparency?

Thanks for the reply.
I do have full electronic transparency.

His porn use started when he began working away a lot about 8 years ago. Ironically he managed to curbed his drinking as he didn’t want it to affect his big new job. So the porn started after a couple of years into working away, another of his crutches/ poor coping strategies for not being able cope with the work stress. Well that’s how he puts it. I believe it played a big role in him eventually starting his affair and he still used it during the affair although not as frequently. Around about the time he started watching the porn he became very critical of my body and was always encouraging me to loose weight and go to the gym. It was hurtful at the time especially after 20 years together and never saying things like this. I should have seen this as a red flag.

After covid and all the lockdowns he no longer works away so I think it’s stopped - although I go out for work 3 days so there’s opportunities I guess. He feels pretty disgusted by it all now - so I don’t think he’s is. He says it’s a relief to no longer be doing it. His IC is working on childhood trauma- there was lots including seeing his dad sexually assault his mum. I can see he’s trying to get to his whys and how he could do this. It’s just taking forever.

I am still scared that I will never be enough. He made comparisons about my body to the AP’s. He justified his action on the belief that I’d let myself go. So I feel if I don’t loose weight he’ll do it again eventually. His mindset during the affair is deeply troubling and he was verbally abusive, this is what I struggle with. It’s hard to unhear all those horrible things he said.

3stars,
I am sorry you are feeling so poorly. Infidelity really does a number on the self esteem, and if we already had issues there (I sure did), it really exacerbates them. My WS had a 16 month PA and it took me another year to pull the plug on our relationship, so I understand the long time struggle.

Are you in IC? I highly recommend it so you can sort out what is best for you and to help you see yourself as the amazing person you are.
Your weight was not a factor in his cheating. It was a factor in his justification of his cheating. I had put on weight before my WS had his A - and he was actually complicit in that and unsupportive when I tried to lose weight. He liked me heavier. Ends up he liked me unthreatening to him, and when I lost the weight he cheated. I see now, with the benefit of hindsight and therapy, that he had always been quietly putting me down, telling me in subtle ways I was "less than" and sending mixed messages about my attractiveness to him. It’s a mind fuck since it is so subtle.

I very much worry about the role modeling your M is providing for your sons. How old are they and do they know? How is your WS addressing the boys’ behavior? Is he calling them out on it? Is he seeing his wayward ways and shitty behavior and disciplining/educating/addressing ? Or is he justifying their behavior? This is telling if he is truly fixing his thought processes.

What would it take for you to feel safe? Have you shared that with him? How does he react if/when you do?

In the end, only you can decide if/when you have had enough or if the M can be repaired. It may take him years to work through his issue. You do not have to wait. Get in to IC to help you clarify your boundaries and understand what is the best course of action for you. Maybe look at what D would look like— not to actually D necessarily, but to give you a view of a different outcome. Knowledge is power and that can reduce the fear of the unknown.

Keep posting- great place to sort out your thoughts. Sometimes seeing what you need vs what he is providing in writing is enlightening.

Hang in there.

Thank you BB,

I am in IC and have been having EMDR to help with all the mind movies. The AP was the one who contacted me on DDay and sent explicit details of what they did, which has been particularly traumatising.

It’s just such a mess and I really don’t know how I can carry on. I know in my heart we are not really in R because I am frightened to tell him how I really feel. It just ends up in an argument and I always feel worse.

[This message edited by 3starsinthedark at 8:51 AM, Monday, April 10th]

It’s his age etc normal in the first few months of leaving home.

If cheating is 'normal' for someone that age, I'd would heavily question what your WH considers normal. Your son has just shown you a poor act of CHARACTER. You can either accept it, or show him that is not how you treat another person.....yet alone someone you care for.

...I am frightened to tell him how I really feel. It just ends up in an argument and I always feel worse.

I'd say that right there is the biggest part of your problem. You feel stifled, and that's going to leave you unable to connect in any meaningful way. The trust is gone and there's no way to rebuild it until you feel seen, heard, understood, and accepted.

I don't think you have anything to lose which isn't already lost by confronting him one last time. If you're sure you're ready for divorce, there's nothing to lose by making demands. That said, if you feel like the cheating was a deal-breaker and the love is gone, you don't owe any further efforts. You've tried. At two years and two months, it's typical for things to still feel awful, but that doesn't mean you can't identify a deal-breaker if you've got one. It's a significant length of time.

Long and short, it's your call, and nothing you decide is wrong.

((big hugs))

I do not consider it normal at all and was very upset by it. My son knows how I feel and is very remorseful. I think my WH thinks it was all innocent because it was just a few text messages, nothing in person. In comparison to what he did it probably feels like a drop in the ocean. But he has hurt someone he cares for, someone who cares for him and this is definitely not ok. It’s could also become a pattern.

I know that he has never shown poor character before this and I do have concerns about my WH behaviour/ attitude normalising this. WH’s own father cheated and I really thought he never would, after his own parents messy divorce. He always said he’d never put his boys through what he went through, yet here we are. I don’t want history to repeat itself in my own sons. I certainly haven’t brought them up with no values or moral code. They have seen how much this has hurt me. That’s why I am thinking I would be better to leave before anything else happens. By staying I think I have just made it worse for them.

I dunno. I've talked with my kids a lot about their father's cheating. Not so much overburdening with my emotional stuff, but definitely about values and integrity, and how to behave in a committed relationship. I've always talked pretty openly to them about pretty much everything. My fWH and I are in R too, and like you, I wondered if that was going to influence the kids in a negative way. But overall, I think both scenarios have lessons. I hope mine have learned a little bit about humility, forgiveness, and boundaries. If their father had been less cooperative, they might instead have learned about starting over and eliminating toxic people. As long as you're standing up for yourself, there's no wrong choice.

3stars,

I know in my heart we are not really in R because I am frightened to tell him how I really feel. It just ends up in an argument and I always feel worse.

Communication is key for any relationship to function. Without intimate, open, honest, regular communication, it's more of a roommate or FWB situation--2 people coexisting.

If you want to pursue R, you may need to risk difficult conversations. If they go really badly and continually leave you feeling worse, either you need to involve a good MC to try to improve patterns of communication around these difficult issues...or (if you can't do this or it doesn't help) it seems like you have your answer about the possibility of a successful R.

I do offer this perspective with all kindness. My own recovery mirrors yours in some ways. And I don't know if we will end up in R or D.

My fWH is in IC working on his whys and his FOO. But, he does give me updates about that work, and I do hear and see some changes happening because of that work.

We do have our own difficult conversations. Some conversations are difficult during, but ultimately feel productive to us both. Some talks are difficult and feel productive only to me or sometimes to neither of us (like this weekend on a long car ride together). But we are still talking. We are in there swinging and remain willing (so far) to have difficult conversations with each other.

It seems like two very specific areas have gone unaddressed with your H:
His "whys". (His true "whys" that have only to do with him and don't blame you in any way). Along with this, what work he has done to fix his whys to ensure to you that he is becoming a safe partner.

A true and remorseful retraction of the horrible things he said to you in his attempt to blame you, instead of turning a light into his own soul and shortcomings. He also needs to show some real empathic understanding of the damage those terrible comments have done to your self confidence.

Best wishes to you and your healing, 3stars!

For me, enough was enough on Dday#2, when I discovered the truth. I just had to allow my heart to catch up to what my subconscious already knew. Funny thing is that everyone else but me saw that I was done. I was so desperate to make an effort for the kids. I wanted to be able to look them in the eyes and say that I gave it everything. Hell, even my STBXWW saw how hard I was trying.

There were two determining factors for me. Firstly, did my STBXWW have the capacity to change? Short answer, no. Secondly, what did I get out of the deal? I got a lying cheating, sneaky wife who now enjoys a stay of execution, while I carry the pain for a choice I did not make. I also got to enjoy triggers everywhere, while she conveniently put things in the past. Sounds like a raw deal to me.

Make no mistake, had my STBXWW been an amazing Wan to begin with, and had she the ability to work her way back to being even more amazing, I would have very much liked to R, but neither were the case.

I do have concerns about my WH behaviour/ attitude normalising this

I went thru this with my WH and one of my kids. IMO, if a WS thinks a kid cheating is NBD, it's kind of a red flag. I'd feel the same if we were talking about shoplifting, or catcalling women, or any number of things.

And FWIW, I agree that if you don't feel comfortable talking to him about your feelings, or it devolves into an argument, there's a problem that may need to be addressed sooner vs later (eg getting some communication 101).

@3starsinthedark

I am so sorry that you are stuck in this place. It is unfair that your husband used your weight as his justification for his poor choice. It does not matter what you look like. My husband had a 2 year affair, and guess what I was a model years back and in great shape and this happened to me too. My counselor said he could cheat with someone who looked just like me, someone who was younger, or someone who was older and heavy... all these scenarios still made me feel horrible. The worse part was your husband telling you this. You're right words hurt and you can't unhear them. Have the two of you been to counseling together? You need to tell him exactly how you feel and your worries. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain still. I hope that you can make a way through. God Bless.

Hi @3starsinthedark I'm so sorry you're still going through the pain of betrayal and my heart goes out to you. The reality is that healing and R after infidelity takes time and it can be an emotional rollercoaster.
However there are two things I know from my own experience that helps in the journey of a successful R, there has to be two fully committed people working together on the relationship and true and sincere remorse from the WS who is using words and actions to rebuild the broken trust.

I think it's good that you're both in IC and maybe you should also consider MC to help create a safe space for you to be able to communicate how you're really feeling.
Always remember that you are worthy of love that can be trusted and your self esteem is not dependent on someone else's wrong choices

I pray the near future brings you strength, complete emotional healing and wisdom for the decisions you have to make.

Thank you everyone for you advice and kindness.

I think the real problem is that I am more invested in trying to R than him. I was also more invested in the marriage and parenting- so no surprises there. When I tried to talk to him the other night about him helping me to feel beautiful and sexy again- his response was he can’t be pandering to me all the time. Pandering!
He had no problem telling her she was beautiful- he’s says now she wasn’t and he was just trying to keep her sweet

I think I know deep down he’s only going to do these things if there’s something in it for him. He doesn’t want me to feel good because I may just decide once and for all I do deserve so much more than being cheated on and being called fat and Frumpy!

I can’t even look at him at the moment.

I’m sorry you are living in this nightmare. Your cheating H has torn you into pieces so to speak and really is not interested in doing anything to repair the damage.

Like you, my H blamed me for his affair. The lies he spewed were very damaging and hurtful. Sadly I initially believed the. His "issues" weren’t my weight but the fact I didn’t love him, support him, married him for reasons other than love, blah blah blah. He made me feel like the worst person in the planet.

Here was my "aha!" Moment. It was basically that a lying cheater was in no position to be making those allegations since none of it was true AND it was just used to justify HIS poor choices.

At dday2 it was like I was given a big reality check. It dawned on me I didn’t have to accept that this was what my marriage had become — filled with lies and cheating and disrespect.

So your H had a very negative response to your request to be made to feel loved and cherished and sexy again. Wow!!! What a horrible response.

That response is a very selfish choice in his part.

I can understand your desire to D. You are living in a one sided relationship/marriage. At this time I suggest you look at doing the 180 and putting a plan together if you were to D.

Start emotionally distancing yourself. Stop being his wife. Stop cooking for him. Stop doing errands or making his life easy. Start taking steps back to be entangled in his daily life. Start your own social life. Build up your savings account.

Meet with an attorney if you haven’t already. Understand the D process so that if you choose to D him, you have a plan in place.

I think once you start making decisions for yourself you will restore your self esteem in some way. When you take control away from him you will feel empowered and hopefully happier.

Please address the issues with your son’s drinking. I understand the age and the behaviors, but you don’t want it to negatively impact his future or have a DWI situation.

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

I stopped doing a lot of things after DDay. At first because I struggled to even function. But after the shock, because I was so angry I had been busting a gut to look after our 3 children, the house and hold down a stressful job, for years whilst he was having his cake! Now the roles have reversed, he’s working from home due to covid and I go out to work. It has been so much easier in that sense, just sad because he can do it and chose not to. I actually love my job now because I am not so physically exhausted like before, when I was struggling to do it all. It’s so bittersweet.

Before the A, I felt guilty for asking for help as I genuinely thought he was working really hard to provide for us. I honestly don’t know how I managed, but I was always trying to please him "treading on eggshells ". I look back and wonder why I didn’t stand up for myself. I abandoned myself way before he cheated.

You are right, I do need to take back control. I am naturally detaching emotionally because I do not respect him or even like him at times. The desire I felt for him after DDay and the HB is long gone. He is not the man I married, nor the father I had hoped my children would have.

I have spoken to my son about his drinking. He doesn’t drive at the moment, but will do one day and I really want to help him stop this before it gets out of hand. He studied so hard during lockdown, got amazing grades and has always been so sensible. Going to Uni was, and is so important to him. I know he’s hurting by what his dad did. But drinking is not the answer, he knows this. He’s seen it. He came home at the weekend, and we got to spend some quality time together. He does realise the seriousness of it all. His dad also had a talk with him too. Think that helped.

Sadly the whole freshers thing actively promotes the whole binge drinking and it seems to go on for weeks now. Orientation events are centred around drinking. I hate the fact alcohol abuse it so socially acceptable, some of my friends and family think I am blowing this out of proportion too. But I know first hand what happens if families allow this to be normalised. My WH and his two brothers all have issues. His one brother did drink drive and get banned. So I hear you 1st Wife-the alarm bells are ringing in my head and I will not ignore them.

It’s easy to say but I am going to try to focus on me and my boys, not the marriage. I am going to stop trying to understand WH and get him to validate my pain. I know I am a good mum and I have a great bond my children. That is my main priority and always was. I lost sight of this with all the trauma and pain from the infidelity. I lost faith in myself and my gut instinct. But I cannot abandon who I am anymore. I do not want my boys to lose respect for me.

Much love to all you BS’s out there, it’s a shitty club we belong to. I am just grateful I can come here and be heard with such kindness.

3 stars I am so sorry you are going through this. Affairs give your self esteem a real battering.

I am so sorry your husband used your weight as a justification for his cheating. Please don’t let this affect you, as he was trying to pick anything at that time to make himself believe you were at fault. They try to make us the villain to make themselves feel better. They often do that when they are in a panic state/not rational.

My ex used my age to justify his actions- she was younger. It devastated me and knocked my confidence so much.

But no one- especially one person in this world- should take our confidence away from us. Believe in yourself, don’t let him take your sparkle. No one is worth that.

Sending you hugs (( ))