SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Earlier a poster suggested you view your wife like a worker that you fired.
Right now it’s like your wife is working the last week before her last paycheck and possible severance payment. You have already established that no matter what amends she makes she’s out. Like if you were firing her for constantly missing deadlines you have decided that even if she meets every deadline for the rest of the week she’s still out.
So what good for the future will it do for you to know that she misses deadlines because of some issues that she might or might not change in her next job? Would you be worried 10 months from now if she’s meeting deadlines at ACME inc. where she later gets a job?

You have established you want to D no matter what. You and other posters have hit out on anyone that suggests R might be an option, so let’s just focus on how to get you to D as soon as possible. You have already established you have an attorney. Divorce law is relatively fair and understanding. They realize that it takes time, but that couples divorcing aren’t the best of friends. So ask your lawyer how you can either get her to move out or how you can move out with no long-term impact on the settlement.

Follow what you have insisted you want form Day 1 and divorce.

Can I ask you a semi-personal question? From day 1 you have had a relatively negative POV of SI. Right away you mention you don’t want the experience of veterans, only to amend that to veteran WS – who by default can’t post on this forum. You have mentioned other infidelity sites where you got inspiration yet you didn’t select them to get advice. You mention this site is supportive and "cajoling" of waywards as if that is negative. You aggressively demand apologies from those you don’t agree with, yet have made hurtful statements that have been pointed out to you. You don’t really seem to be taking on board any of the advice offered. In all honesty – what is it you want from us?

What would I gain by letting her explain herself? With the polygraph I agreed because it offered me closure but I don't see what I'd gain by her explaining herself

You agreed to the polygraph to receive closure. The polygraph did not change the outcome, yet she agreed to it.

Do the same in the name of fairness. The converation will not change the outcome and you will likely proceed with the divorce. If it is closure she seeks, give her the 30 minutes and move on. That is not a big ask.

It is clear the affair offended you as a man, husband and father. All your work, hope and dreams appear to be worth less than a blow job. Move on, but do so in a way that allows you to recover quickly.

Thanks for posting.

Bigger

1. Someone suggested I read the cheater forum and I said I don't want advice from veteran cheaters, you took that to mean veterans in general. User HellFire corrected you on that before I did.

2. I did apologize for the things I said earlier in the thread. All I wanted was for the bad guide to apologize for calling other members stupid. I believe in apologies.

3. I said at the beginning of the thread it was mostly a vent.

Don't know where you are getting your information from. If you want me to go to the pages and reply to you with the date of these things I'd be more than happy to

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 7:15 PM, Friday, April 8th]

"It is clear the affair offended you as a man, husband and father. All your work, hope and dreams appear to be worth less than a blow job. Move on, but do so in a way that allows you to recover quickly."

You're not wrong in the first half. It did offend me, but not in an emasculating and humiliating way. My hopes and dreams involved having a wife who wasn't a whore. Well now she is. Pretty sure that ruined it.

Has she responded to you informally or formally to being served yet?

Is she still employed?

You could suggest she explain in writing. It will give her time to think through her words carefully and express herself without interruption or uncomfortable body language that might derail her thoughts. Then you can choose to read it when you are ready.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I hope your IC is able to help you navigate this.

I think an explanation in writing is not a bad idea.

I like that idea. A compromise

Given that you’re going to allow your WW the opportunity to explain in writing, if you haven’t already received it, I would also require her to provide a detailed timeline of the A in writing.

You could combine the two documents if you like of course. Usually a timeline includes what the WS’ thoughts were during each segment of the A.

The excuses offered by a wayward individual remain excuses whether they are spoken aloud or written down.

Is there anything she can do to change your mind? No. So what is the benefit to you? Certainly it will not benefit her to write down whatever nonsense reasoning that lead her to betray you because it will change nothing. You will still divorce her.

Think back to the polygraph. How happy she was that she passed and how crushed she was when it didn't make a difference to you, that the divorce was moving forward. This is no different. She wants the opportunity to change your mind, to give her a second chance.

If it is your intention to slowly crush her soul then by all mean have her jump through every hoop she offers to. If you would prefer her to move on then she needs to start learning to accept her new reality without the distraction of false hope.

Every so often you write something that appears to say you're open to explanations. Most of your posts, however, say your mind is made up and won't be changed.

You say your healing requires cutting WSes (or just WWs?) out of your life, but you keep writing about keeping the connection with your W going.

You take great umbrage at statements calling others stupid, and yet you repeatedly attack WSes and apparently people who 'coddle WSes' and/or ... well, I'm not sure whom you're attacking other than WSes and those who coddle them (you clearly attack, though the object is vague). In fact, you attack with the same word that you object to.

That's aside from the fact that you say you're under pressure to R even though no one here suggested that, much less tried to exert pressure on you.

BTW, this is not a snarky way to call you stupid. It's a straight way to say that IMO you're insufficiently aware of what's going on inside you.

Right now, I think you're using the energy freed by whatever is going on inside you to attack others. My reco is to use that energy to resolve your internal discomfort. After all, attacking others only distracts you from the pain momentarily. Resolving the pain ends it and frees you to live a good life.

*****

What constitutes 'coddling WSes' anyway?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:59 PM, Saturday, April 9th]

So much in your message was already explained and or refuted.

I’m asking this question out load and wonder what opinions are.

First off, I completely support OPs decision to D. However, the continued use of the word whore, and one time use of the not oft heard phrase Sidewalk Sally, brings a question to mind for OP and others.

OP is obviously a devout Christian. Is his outrage (which is totally justifiable), as mostly expressed by the word whore, enmeshed in his religious faith or is it not relevant at all? Is it simply a normal expression of anger by a BH?

The reason I ask is that I’ve heard the word whore used by BHs to describe their WW’s usually at the beginning phase of their posts, but can’t recall to this extent.

I’m asking if this is relevant only to help OP better understand his sense of anger as an expression of being betrayed, so that perhaps that anger can be channelled more productively.

Personally, I think anger is healthy for a BH. It motivates them to be true to their values, which seems to be exactly what OP is doing.

Doesn’t mean he won’t have questions about his WW or even himself over how he missed clues, misjudged his WW, etc., but his anger will keep him moving forward rather than remain in self imposed limbo like so many others on this forum. FWIW, I find OP’s determination to move forward while working thru these issues refreshing.

Upon further reflection, in OP’s case it appears instead of anger, a better descriptive phrase would be "righteous indignation", and I still believe that to be a very good thing for a BH.

Dude67

The word whore, biblically, has a different meaning than the word does when defined secularly. It applies to anyone, regardless of gender.

Someone who is promiscuous, has casual sex, sex before or outside of marriage, sex for money, is in God's eyes, a whore.

Now obviously the word whore doesn't have the same effect on adulterous men. Whoremonger is better, as well as pig. But yeah. Just an explanation.

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 1:39 AM, Sunday, April 10th]

Deleted out of respect for OP

[This message edited by straightup at 10:57 AM, Sunday, April 10th]

Christ talking to the women taken in adultery (Pericope Adulterae) is a myth. It reinforces a sort of liberal/left Jesus who was just a swell guy who loved everyone unlike that pesky God the Father who was oh so mean in the Old Testament. We have to remember Christ sends the sinner to hell regardless of circumstance. It just wasn't in the original manuscripts.

But I understand what you're saying. Some passages can be hard, but it is always just. Every canaanite killed, every first born of Egypt that died in their mothers arms, every adulterer stoned is just and right because God decreed it so. We should trust God and be happy with His plans

If this is too much I can not talk about it again, mods

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 6:02 AM, Sunday, April 10th]

I apologize. I’m sorry for your pain.

So now I fully understand that the use of the word whore is less about anger snd more about a religious descriptive concerning your WW A.

It also explains that when the two of you sat your children down to discuss the D, your WW referred to herself as a whore.