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An altenate point of view, hopefully for your reflection and edification: I've been around the sun quite a few times now and have never found anyone justifying the use of the word whore repeatedly by referencing the bible. It's a derogatory term and I personally believe that although some WW believe they earned it, it causes pain and humiliation that is unneccessary. Sure, in anger many of us go overboard. But the continual use of that word is uncalled for and using some biblical reference is merely rationalizing your anger, whether it was initially righteous or not.

Better to take a deep look at the themes that pervade the Gospels, I think. Forgive your enemies, judge not. Paul considered himself having essentially murdered Stephen. Is that how you refer to him in conversation? Is that what you'd call him if you met him now? Your STBXW is not out cavorting with her AP. She is showing remorse. She confessed the affair to you when you would never have known it happened, likely showing significant humility and repentence by doing so. She sinned terribly. She also stopped sinning of her own accord, repented and confessed. It may be time to at least acknowledge that it took a fair degree of virtue to do that. She displayed a lot more courage than most waywards we hear about here at SI.

Case in point regarding my previous post

I will eventually forgive my wife. John 7:24 says to judge with righteous judgement

The theme of the Gospels is God's Glory, His Justice, His Mercy and His Wrath. Lowering the Gospel to be some man centered view about just forgiveness takes away from it all. If man is required to forgive perfectly, we are all doomed

Lightly virtue signaling me won't do any good if I know the context of scripture

Here's a good verse -

Proverbs 6:26 because the price of a whore is a loaf of bread, and an adulterous woman stalks a man's precious life.

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 7:24 PM, Sunday, April 10th]

Move forward with peace brother; as you heal you may reflect on things differently. Believe me, I've had my own share of not seeing the forest for the trees.

Eh. I'll keep reflecting biblically

Sorry for getting back to your reply late.

Since I thought your wife wanted to talk to you but couldn't reach you, I offered to talk

she knows that the marriage cannot be saved.

"If you have something you want to say or talk to me, I can listen to you"

Suffice to say.

let her say whatever she wants.

It may take a few hours, but you've spent years with her. It will be enough for her to know that her words have reached you.

Please spare us the Biblical just how you are felling 🙄

I'm just going to let her do whatever she wants. If she wants to write a letter okay. I'm just indifferent about it. Maybe what she'll say will make it better maybe it won't. I don't know. I just need to get out of this. Just hope she doesn't lose her job so I can get some money out of her.

Also bounce, I don't think I will

Nothere759,

I see nothing wrong with how you are handling this, nor how you see your wife now. I treated the moment my ex's (plural) had another man inside as the moment they died to me. I might have seen their walking corpses after and didn't know of their deaths until I found out about the adultery, but the moment I knew, they were dead to me.

I mourned their passing (sometimes in an unwise manner) and moved on.

Thank you

Is it normal to feel guilty? I didn't do anything but I can't help it. The empathy for my wife is almost unbearable and it makes me as sad if not more than what she did to our marriage. I don't know how to even explain what I mean. Just wondering if anyone has had this before. I'm so tired

Nothere: You are caught between a rock and a hard place. There is no perfect move for you to make to completely reset your life to where it was prior to the affair. You also understand that your WW is suffering immensely for what she has done. This is the same person you loved and respected only a few months ago. She is miserable, desperate, regretful, and horrified by what her life has become and what she did to you and the marriage. You recognize those feelings as being genuine. It is quite reasonable you would experience empathy for her at this point in time. Yet you feel you shouldn't entertain these feelings and if you allow them to overwhelm you, you might just hold off on leaving her and, thus, betray your principles. That is my guess, but I could be way off. What do you think?

[This message edited by src9043 at 1:21 AM, Thursday, April 14th]

My paternal grandfather was a pillar of the seventh day Adventist church. My father, his only son, left the church. To my grandfather he was certain that meant my father would not be amongst the saved. Rather than doubt that as a tenet, my grandfather said he was not sure if he wanted to be saved himself. Honestly I don’t know how that played out. My grandfather died before I was born from melanoma. He remained a pillar of the church.

The empathy does not need to make you abandon your principles. Does your faith allow you to divorce, be civil, and to leave judgment in God’s hands? Is this a way through for you?

I don't know what to think. I'm just sad. I sobbed for the first time yesterday. The last time I sobbed like that was when my dad died and she held me, it reminded me of that and it made it worse

I don't know what to think. I'm just sad. I sobbed for the first time yesterday. The last time I sobbed like that was when my dad died and she held me, it reminded me of that and it made it worse

OP,

This is completely normal.

We all know there are stages to grief. Anger is one and you definitely know that and have experienced it (rightfully so too).

But, anger gives way eventually and other emotions enter the picture, which is what you are experiencing now.

So yes, many have felt the way you are now.

Yes, she feels guilty, terrible for what she's done to the family, your children, you, herself etc. But she still chose to do this knowing this was a realistic possibility.

One last point, your emotions will continue to go up and down, to yo-yo as your emotional rollercoaster is far from over, sadly.

And that's all completely normal. It's a part of it, sadly.

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving, sadly.

It may never be undone. It's a betrayal to the core. It doesn't just shake the foundation, it obliterates it.

It changes everything, permanently. Yes, time helps, but only to a certain extent.

It takes away so many things, permanently. Your lifelong goals you wanted, wished for, hoped for and worked for so hard are gone through no fault of your own. Yes, that affects one's emotions.

Due to all of this, what you are feeling emotionally right now is normal OP.

Is it normal to feel guilty? No. You did nothing wrong. That is the sign of an accomplished manipulator plying their trade on you. She will try to somehow shift blame for her poor choices on to you. You did x, y, z, and it made her feel this way or made her do this, etc. Nonsense. Adultery is a selfish pursuit, period. She chose this course and did what she did because she wanted to and she had the opportunity to do so.

Take your time to grieve the end of your marriage - separately from her. She will do her best to take advantage of your emotional turmoil, to try to weasel out a second chance from you.

Everything has a price. Your wife was willing to sacrifice your marriage, your family and willing to inflict the same damage on you that your mother did to your father for her fun. Like every other cheat ever, now it is time to pay the price and she is looking for any and every way possible not to suffer the consequences.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 11:38 AM, Thursday, April 14th]

Is it normal to feel guilty?

I don't know what to think. I'm just sad. I sobbed for the first time yesterday.

This is what happens when the anger burns out.

You have been using every once of anger in you to push her away.

Now you are getting to the point where you are going to see her as a person for once.

You are going to see what you are losing.

Anger is good. It pushes action and defense of ourselves. You didn't do the pick me dance, which is a huge saver to your integrity.

Divorcing is good, I filed, it shows you won't tolerate being abused. FYI - divorce isn't the end of any kind of relationship between you 2 in the future.

Understanding is good. You need to talk to her about "why" so you learn it isn't you. Tell her that is what you are looking for in the "why". That you couldn't have stopped her. Otherwise you will start wondering, what if.

You should also talk to your WW without calling her whore every chance you get. Using the Bible to back it up doesn't help. No one used the Bible to determine a fair punishment while angry and felt great about it 5 years down the road.

You seem to be flailing about angry right now. Lets go with something I did when I was sad. Go talk to some really old people who don't know you about your problems. Find them outside your community so there isn't history or judgement and talk through what you have going on. They will give you a perspective you seem to need.

Let go of the anger and feel ok with crying. Maybe even let your WW hold you while you cry so she sees that this is as bad as your dad dying to you. If she makes the crying stop, maybe don't lash out at her. Otherwise you will regret letting her help you.
When I say let go of the anger. Keep it close, but don't let it be the only thing you feel right now.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 5:19 PM, Thursday, April 14th]

"You are going to see what you are losing."

I don't follow with this point. I've already lost it. My goal and my dream was always a family, it's gone, or at least broken. What would I be losing now?

As for her manipulating me - I believe she's unintentionally manipulative with her remorse.

I'm so fucking sick of everyone bothering me and telling me to give it a chance. Nearly everyone I know is doing it. "What she did isn't that bad, she's so sad, you're so mean, what's your problem?" Gee I don't know.

Oh I'm also apparently an ass for going to California with my kids when they turn 18, even though they were going to California anyways for college, adultery or not. I'm somehow stealing the kids from her and poisoning their minds to their mother.

Great job telling everyone, dear.

You're 100% doing the right thing by getting out. The best way to get over the pain is to go no-contact. That will get her out of your mind better than anything else. There's a painful adjustment period- been there, done that- but it works.

Keep living, focus on your kids and being successful at work. Try to stop fixating on your ex. Yes, there were the good things, like when she held you when your dad died, but the bad things, such as the betrayal, overwhelmed the good. My ex did a lot of good things: cared for me when I was sick, gave me practical help and advice, etc., etc. I did everything I could for him, too. We connected well, I loved him dearly. And despite all of that, he still cheated on me and gaslit me about it. With a women "friend" who I hosted at our home, no less.

I don't hate him. Actually, we happen to still be friends (I'm unusually able to handle this kind of thing, because I've had so many hard knocks in life, this is just one of many. So while it was awful, it didn't knock me out). But I will never love him again. Never trust him again. If I'd known before I met him that he was a cheater, I never would have said hello to him.

There are other women out there. Good women who won't cheat. I know because I'm one of them. Don't give up on finding love.

[This message edited by morningglory at 4:03 AM, Sunday, April 17th]

I stay away from her as much as I can. But I try not to leave the house too much at my lawyers advice