SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What are all of these other people telling you - that you should be more forgiving? That she only cheated once, that is was only oral, that she immediately confessed? That you have a long marriage and successful M?

Did your WW disclose to any of these people the months long EA that preceded the PA, including the texting?

Did you see any of your WWs texts to her AP? If yes, did she disparage your snd/or the M in any way?

Also, did your WW treat you any differently during the time she was engaging in her EA, prior to the PA?

It should also be fairly obvious to all that your WW is totally free to also move to CA to be near the kids at college. No one is preventing her.

[This message edited by Dude67 at 1:07 PM, Sunday, April 17th]

Go NC with all of them. Anyone who is telling you what to do with your cheating wife,doesn't really care about you.

Block them all.

Dude

Pretty much. She disclosed everything but I'm the monster. She never even mentioned me in her messages and she acted the same. She also tries to tell them it's her fault but it doesn't do any good.

Yeah logic is lost on these people. She's getting a bunch of my money so she could come too.

Hellfire

They're already blocked. Can't really avoid them in real life though.

Oh also the online thing to look at messages doesn't show MMS pictures so yeah you can see where this is going. Sent each other a bunch of pictures, her naked, masturbating, she told me about this a few days ago. She was dumb enough to have her face in them. What a joke. Came home after blowing him to tell me but kept this hidden. What an idiot

Does your WW and her apologists verbalize the fact that your mom destroyed your dad by cheating, and, besides the fact that an A is bad enough in the first place, your WW knew all of this yet went ahead regardless?

Do they understand the depth the double betrayal? Does your WW get this?

And I agree, the incredible part is that your WW kept the EA hidden from you the entire time yet decides to disclose the PA to you? Defies logic.

[This message edited by Dude67 at 11:22 PM, Sunday, April 17th]

Oh yeah they know. I'm also a monster for cutting my mother out of my life according to her apologists.

She says she knows about my mother (obviously) but she doesn't know why she did it, she knew it was wrong and knew I would hate her. She says she's "broken" which has to be some of the most "wayward" bullshit ever just like affair "fog" I got so mad when she said that to me. Such bullshit

Someone I have great respect for even though I never talked to her was Maia. Her story was probably one of the saddest and most touching things I've read in my entire life. She was broken, her journey to redemption and bettering herself, her faith, all of it. These other women can project that they're broken just like her.

How broken can you be when you're a stay at home mom upset your husband works to put your kids through college? How dare my husband provide for my family and I?! I'm so lonely! The kids are leaving. I'm so old now... Mommy was so mean to me! Yeah well now your mother was right about you. Congratulations. You're just an ass. That's it. There's no deeper reason to 99% of cheaters. You're just an ass. Only thing broken about you is your morals.

These people spend years in counseling to find out why they did it and never do. I wonder why? Oh you have a need to feel good about yourself? Yeah so does everyone else, but since you're a bad person you decided to go about it in the worst way possible. Good job.

"Fog" is just when you realize you're about to lose your lifestyle. Such a great excuse, honestly. My bad choices are because I wasn't thinking straight! I'm fine now! I can't believe I did that! Lol imagine buying that in any other situation in your life. But no, coddle them, the "wayward" knows not what they do. If I wasn't cheated on I just might buy that shit and get a warranty too.

Rant over. So pissed

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 1:34 AM, Monday, April 18th]

I'm so fucking sick of everyone bothering me and telling me to give it a chance. Nearly everyone I know is doing it. "What she did isn't that bad, she's so sad, you're so mean, what's your problem?" Gee I don't know.

Oh I'm also apparently an ass for going to California with my kids when they turn 18, even though they were going to California anyways for college, adultery or not. I'm somehow stealing the kids from her and poisoning their minds to their mother.

Great job telling everyone, dear.

She did do a great job. Everyone is turned against you. That was the purpose of the confession to her coven of fools. She gains sympathy for herself and paints you as the villain. She is a manipulator.

On the plus side you will no longer be burdened having to keep such fools around. Especially when you move to California.

Does your wife have friends who encourage and support the relationship, does she talk to them, does she hear from them on AP?

what is the future plan?

Did you get an opportunity to read your WWs texts to her AP?

Is your WW in IC?

I don't follow with this point. I've already lost it. My goal and my dream was always a family, it's gone, or at least broken. What would I be losing now?

I wasn't trying to push you to reconcile. I am trying to explain why you are crying. The anger has been pushing you forward. Keeping you strong and hard. Keeping out the sadness. The problem is that sadness is going to find its way in. The question is to know how to handle it in small bites while you fluctuate between angry and sad. Otherwise only 1 of those is going to be left.
The family is broken not gone. You are seeing whether fixing it is worth the effort or if you should throw in the towel. So you know it is all about your tolerance. The people telling you to forgive now aren't thinking about you. They are trying to force you into an action for themselves. Saying it isn't that bad is their way of softening the blow. They aren't concerned with how you feel, more about how to make your family stay together.

I told her to go to counseling and she agreed but hasn't done anything. Don't care what she does. If she tries to kill herself to manipulate me so be it. It's not my problem. Also yeah I read her text messages. Don't think anyone supports the affair, at first they were upset with her but I'm now the bad guy for not giving her a chance. I already gave her a chance, why would I do it again? I guess these people I I liked weren't the smartest people. Logic is lost on them.

They should be more concerned about what my wife could do to make it better. Obviously I know she can't but that's what someone with a brain behind their eyes would think.

The fact that your WW hasn't started counseling after all these months says it all. I suggest you tell that to your detractors. Get out of Dodge as soon as possible so that you can truly start to heal.

The fact that your WW hasn't started counseling after all these months says it all. I suggest you tell that to your detractors. Get out of Dodge as soon as possible so that you can truly start to heal.

Amen to that OP.

Just make a simple statement to these people that it's about actions and not words. Tell them that your wife said she'd go to counseling to work on this, on herself etc. but it was just another lie she told you as she's NOT done the first thing to set up and begin counseling.

Tell these people that she's only about saying things instead of actually putting in any real effort or work.

Tell those people that actions speak louder than words, just like when she cheated on you, those actions spoke loud and clear to you.

Of course no need to tell them that it doesn't matter whether she puts in effort or not as you're divorcing her and I agree completely with you on that.

Switching gears now OP.

How goes it with your divorce planning, proceedings?

Are you actively working on things, like the sale of the house or looking for a new place to stay once the divorce is complete?

Have you taken a trip out to Cali to look at places? I know you're not moving there right away, but it's nice to plan, dream and to begin taking small steps at making the future a reality.

Long ago, when my parents were young, they bought 40 acres states away, a bit over 12 hours away. They had no time table on when they'd move there and build a house but they still drove over there like 17 times in a bit over 2 years to slowly investigate etc. as this was long before the internet so they couldn't look online at things.

3 years later they moved into a house they had built on their 40 acres.

I say this just so your mind can get little breaks here and there thinking about and focusing on things like this, your next chapter instead of just dealing with your current situation.

You said your attorney said to stay at home, I assume that means to keep living there. You can go out, do things and even take a trip if need be.

I don't want you to go stir crazy in your four walls. I know you have your children to deal with too and I'm glad.

Stay busy, exercise in some form or fashion, even talking walks each night after work. Volunteer somewhere. Stay busy, active and engaged in living and out of your wife's life.

If I were in your shoes, I really wouldn't even talk to her, but that's just me, how I'm wired. I'd only speak to her if it was about the children. I'd be nice but I'd also be clear when I told her that she killed the two of you, destroyed the marriage and she chose to do that. Tell her that you don't want anything to do with her and to leave you alone.

One last point.

I know she wants to reconcile, you've told us that. Tell her that reconciliation takes BOTH partners WANTING To reconcile and you get she wants to reconcile. Tell her (even though you have) that you do not want to reconcile, so her wanting that is pointless since she can't reconcile the two of you herself, on her own.

And just because I'm wired this way, I'd make a dig at her lack of counseling. I'd tell her it was nice of her to lie to you about her going to counseling. I'd tell her it's actions, not words. Her actions have demonstrated how she really feels, just like her actions did when she chose to cheat on you.

OP, I'm so sorry you're in this boat and your boys too of course. There isn't anything she can do to rectify the injustice, to make it go away, to balance the scales etc. It just can't be done.

Divorce is going as well as it can. Filed without her so just gotta wait until the hearing. I'm just going to go back to ignoring her. I tried to help her move on and get help but it didn't work. She's very sad and so am I. It's also son and daughter and they're just angry. It's really sad how they treat her, I say I'm going to ignore her but they literally pretend she's not there. I try talking to them to see if they can just acknowledge her but they don't. Everything I think about goes a million miles a minute.

I know I said just now I was going to ignore her but I think I should have a conversation with everyone and just sit them down. I need to be done but I still feel bad for her, I know I said earlier I don't care if she tries to kill herself but I do. I'm just lost.

I still love her very much she was always very nice and pretty and I adored her. I don't know what to make of my thoughts and emotions counseling doesn't help even though I brought this up. I think it's just empathy but I don't know

I don't think I've posted to your thread. Jus saw what you posted in another thread about "broken" being bullshit.

Anyway. If you don't want to R, don't. No one is making you.

Broken or bad is semantic. The effect on you is the same. If you think your wife is bad, leave her.

Simple.

Sorry for offending you. Cheaters are just bad people, I can't change that.

You're way behind on the thread. Why comment?

It's simple after all.

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 6:24 AM, Tuesday, April 19th]

If your WW was truly remorseful she would have immediately sought out IC. This says it all right here. She may be upset that she threw it all away, yet if she truly wanted to try to fight for you and the M, she would have been all over IC.

How is it even remotely OK in your WWs mind that you know it was critical for you to attend IC but not the cheater?

One possibility is that because you went right to D, she might think that there was no purpose to attend IC. If that is her mindset she’s totally off on that account. Another possibility is that she wanted you to forgive her and rugsweep everything, bypassing the difficult work that is required to R, one of the most important things being her attending IC.

Your emotional back and forth is a prelude of what is to come once the marriage is over and you have distanced yourself.

Anger is a secondary emotion, normally a result of one of two primary emotions: fear and/or hurt.

Right now, your anger is shielding your heart from hurt. In a way, that is good. You are able to channel that anger into action, finalize the divorce process, and protect yourself from emotional harm.

Yet in another way, the anger is deflecting the pain. Once the time for action has concluded, you must find a way to let the anger subside because it will delay and/or prevent your healing.

I would encourage you to find a way to let that anger go in any way you can. Hurt people hurt people, OP, and while I have little sympathy for your wife, she will inevitably not be the only one you risk hurting while you clutch your anger. That anger can cause you to find conflict and confrontation where there is none. Unfortunately, the only true way to heal is to embrace the pain and allow it to do it's work.

I hope you find peace sooner rather than later, brother.