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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Reconciliation :
I'm struggling

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 WonderingGhost (original poster new member #81060) posted at 3:42 AM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

thank you

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 12:41 PM, Monday, November 7th]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8758262
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:45 AM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

Are you saying g your spouse is still in contact with the affair partner?

If so, that is why you still have issues.

IMO that contact needs to stop. Permanently. Immediately.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12794   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8758268
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 WonderingGhost (original poster new member #81060) posted at 1:35 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

No, they aren't in contact with the AP at all.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8758276
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:43 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

Please don't worry about your timeline of grieving over the loss of what you thought you had. For ME...it took 7 years before I felt like I was fully healed.

I had read your other thread you wrote before you deleted it...and you make some valid points as to why you don't feel healed. You had written about feeling stuck in a mental state about the A every few months. This reminded me of the "limbic lag". Have you ever done research on this...or as it is also known...our "lizard brain"?

Our limbic system is our instinctive response to experiences we have had. It doesn't matter whether those experiences happened 5 minutes ago...or 5 years ago. This is what gives us our flight, fight, or freeze response. The GOOD news is that we can "retrain" our lizard brain smile . We can't do it through logic though...only through experience.

Have you taken note of what is happening when you feel this way? Does it correlate to an experience you had during this timeframe? It doesn't necessarily have to be the same time of year...it could be ANY experience you had that is having your limbic system on DANGER MODE. Once you realize what the issue is...and have a similar but calming experience...your lizard brain tends to calm down too smile . It might be something else...but maybe that is a direction you could look at...just in case?

Thinking about moving on to someone new...to feel that loyalty feeling again...that is a valid feeling as well. You are so right...there are NO guarantees. My 1st H cheated on me when we had only been married for 3 MONTHS look . We got back together...and I rugswept...until I caught him with a different adultery co-conspirator almost 2 years later crying . I was DONE with men...until the man who became my 2nd H showed me what a FAITHFUL person is like. After 28 years of M though...I was put BACK into infidelity HELL when he confessed to his 9 1/2 week A while working alone overseas crying . My "picker" for someone faithful is not all that good!!!

What helped ME this time was getting an exit PLAN. I got a checking account and a credit card in my name only...as well as a new vehicle. I put enough money in the checking account to sustain me until I was able to get back on my feet. After I had everything arranged for me to be able to LEAVE...I was able to relax and work on what I NEEDED in order for me to STAY smile . I told my H what I had done...and he was fully onboard with everything. To HIM...he KNEW he was never going to cheat again...so if it helped me to feel SAFE...he was all for it smile .

When YOU are ready...you will take steps to HELP you to HEAL smile . As long as you keep moving forward...even if it is baby steps at first...you WILL get out of infidelity HELL grin !!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6324   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8758289
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 2:44 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

my .02 you are internalizing his choice to have an A. It is ok a lot of BS do that. I know I did.

So it goes like this . . .if they decided to have an A because of something you did or did not do then it is within your control to change. So if you make those changes . . .Viola! A WS that,now, has no reason to cheat.

The depression is because you are likely still blaming yourself even though you tell everyone that you don't.

It is fairly common for BS to be co-dependent which adds to the incorrect thinking that the BS had something to do with the A. The WS was the only one that made several choices are pursuing an A. To someone co-depedent it causes them to see the WS actions as the same as their own. Obviuosly that is not the case.

Our spouses made a choice (several actaully) that led to them being unfaithful.

It took me awhile in IC to have this epiphany and made me feel so much lighter. If you have not done any IC now would be a good time to sort that out with a counselor. At worse it helps you feel empowered like you are doing something to feel better. Also seeing your doc might not hurt either.

Hang in there. None of choose this path, but only we hold the keys to helping ourselves heal and be happy with who we are.

Also if you brought this up to your WS in the way you've laid it out here and ask for support on your journey it might help to feel less alone in your grief. You are mourning and sadly tbat takes time.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5067   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8758290
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 WonderingGhost (original poster new member #81060) posted at 3:37 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

Thank you for the advice everyone smile I have talked to my WS about my feelings and offered concrete steps to help and maybe rewire my brain away from these feelings

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8758298
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Fof9303 ( member #70433) posted at 8:32 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

I am sorry that you are still struggling. There are time even this many years out where I can be stopped in my tracks by a saying or a word of some kind and it pulls me right back to that moment. The only difference is now that it does not destroy me anymore.. I move right on past it.. This will become easier for you too as the time passes. In the meantime, create some new hobbies together... get busy and make new memories... Hope things turn around for you as time ticks by. God Bless.

posts: 156   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8758332
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