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Newest Member: Purplepenguin

Reconciliation :
Long term recovery, a rant, and some relief

Topic is Sleeping.
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 3yrwait (original poster member #29907) posted at 10:20 PM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

I haven't shared in a while, but I need to vent about recent events.

The affair occurred well over a decade ago. I made a lot of mistakes back then with the 'pick-me' dance. I believed the gaslighting, and accepted the rugsweeping and trickle truth. Some major rugsweeping prevented me from asking anything for 3 years (hence my username). By that time, I reached a point where I just accept that this is my life, and it seems silly to hold my partner accountable now for the mistakes of 3+ years ago.

But every few months, or every few years, I wonder what she didn't tell me; why was it so important to keep stuff hidden that long. It eats at you and doesn't go away.

This has been my summer. I had questions about what occurred; fWW thought I need to forget about it, it was the past and I need to move forward. I had reached a point where I realized I DO deserve to know. I kept asking all summer; she resisted all summer. I asked nicely, I demanded, I provided detailed questions so she could be comfortable responding, and I provided tons of reasons why these were important to me. I filled in the narrative myself since she wasn't answering, and received zero validation. I have not, since DDay, received any documentation of what happened. fWW just was not going to tell me. We discussed it with MC, who also challenged me on why I needed to know..."you got the girl, move forward." (W.T.F.?) For years, I had been given tid-bits of information, and had to accept it. More recently, fWW is claiming she doesn't even remember. Yet I know there is stuff she is not telling me; and knowing she is keeping secrets means she is still protecting the relationship.

I'm a pretty balanced, low-key guy. I like MC, and I usually feel good after a session. I was again challenged as to why I need to know more, what it will get me. I pointed out that, as important as this is for me to know, it is more important for her to hide it. But after months of trying and failing to get answers, and being told by both MC and fWW that more detailed information will not help me...I had a meltdown. I know I deserve the information, and was appalled that they both think I have enough.

Well, on the way home, I asked some questions of WW, and got some useful answers.

Later in the day, I tried to ask more questions, but was met with resistance. I had a major meltdown/blowup and left.
Later in the evening, I tried again, was again met with initial resistance, then she finally agreed to give some answers.

And lo-and-behold, the answers were useful. They made me feel better about myself, WW and the nature of her relationship with AP. The way WW answered questions, she sounded honest rather than looking for what she thought I wanted to hear. WW sounded like she had regrets beyond getting caught. Honestly, the relationship sounded boring, made me feel like I'm glad I'm not that guy. Weirdly, if that is what fWW wants, have at it (and I could see how maybe sometimes she does want that.)

There is plenty more that I learned. I feel a bit vindicated. MC and WW thought they knew better than I did what is good for me...they didn't. I shared some of this via a note to MC, in part to have actual documentation, and in part to point out why this information was useful to me. I suspect MC didn't realize how many gaps there were in my knowledge. I hope WW and MC understand that I didn't even know what I didn't know, so there was no way to justify needing to know it.

What am I going to do with this new information? The good news is it made me feel good about myself; I am still livid that it takes sooooo much effort to get it. If and when there is another MC session, I WILL make sure they know I was right and they were wrong. Petty? Maybe, but IDGAF.

Me: BH (early 50s)
Her: WW (early 50s)
Married 25 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

posts: 533   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2010   ·   location: 3yrwait
id 8758351
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Flatlined123 ( member #35862) posted at 3:06 AM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

We’re about the same age and A was about as long ago. When H asked me why I wanted to know, I had a question for him. "If I was killed in an accident, wouldn’t you want to know what happened and why?" This is no different. I wanted to know how and why he killed our M.

I’m discovering I’m mad at H. I never really went through that. I hated AP. I couldn’t hate H and try to reconcile with him. 13 years later and I’m mad! 😡
So many things I’m mad about. An affair, the fuck up that keeps screwing your over.

Glad you got some answers and feel better.

Me: BS H: WS4 kidsDD #1 7-11-08DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.Started R in 12-09"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

posts: 1079   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2012
id 8758377
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:19 PM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

Took me longer to fire my first MC than it should have. Your MC stinks.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2191   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8758432
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 4:58 PM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

I don't know if you even noticed this, but it stood out to me:

I had questions about what occurred; fWW thought I need to forget about it, it was the past and I need to move forward.

fWW just was not going to tell me.

More recently, fWW is claiming she doesn't even remember.


and being told by both MC and fWW that more detailed information will not help me...I had a meltdown.

Then....

Well, on the way home, I asked some questions of WW, and got some useful answers.

hey made me feel better about myself, WW and the nature of her relationship with AP. The way WW answered questions, she sounded honest rather than looking for what she thought I wanted to hear. WW sounded like she had regrets beyond getting caught. Honestly, the relationship sounded boring, made me feel like I'm glad I'm not that guy.

MC and WW thought they knew better than I did what is good for me...they didn't.

I was thinking to myself when I was reading your post was that your wife's resistance sounded wayward in behavior. You don't have to be cheating to be wayward; you can be wayward by doing just what she was doing---deciding that SHE knows best about what information you do and do not need. Hopefully, she understands this better now.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4185   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8758436
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 8:32 PM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

Why is your wife a fWW. Her withholding information that you need--she still sounds quite Wayward to me!

posts: 446   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8758462
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 9:09 PM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

Thank you for sharing this smile . It may have taken you a little longer to get what you NEEDED...but you got it and THAT is a great thing to help you HEAL smile .

There is a scientific name for wanting to fill in the gaps of what our life really WAS after a revelation such as a betrayal from an A...but I have long forgotten it. It is a shame your MC didn't know about this aspect of your psyche. But you didn't give up on your quest...and that is admirable grin !

Honestly, the relationship sounded boring

Yep. ALL A's are FAKE...they can't possibly stand up to the various nuances that an authentic relationship brings.

I am very HAPPY to see that you feel vindicated...and I am glad that you want to let the MC know about this as well. This may help them with a future Betrayed like yourself who is also not able to heal from information that is being kept from them.

Kudos to you for not giving up grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6382   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8758465
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:50 PM on Thursday, October 6th, 2022

Your wife is not a former wayward. A former wayward has done the work on themselves to become a safe partner. They're open, honest, and transparent. They put the needs of their BS above their own.

What your wife has done is rugsweep. Shes not remorseful. She's told you to get over it. She has denied you the truth of YOUR LIFE.

She's recruited a MC in the continued abuse.

You got the girl??!! As if she's the prize??

No sir.

She's not remorseful, and she's not a former. And you are nowhere near reconciliation.

You should never have to beg your wife for the truth. She chose keeping her secrets with OM, over the needs of her husband.

Cheaters lie. What she gave to you was most likely a very watered down version of the truth.

She has a ton of work to do.

posts: 4994   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8758482
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 6:34 PM on Wednesday, October 12th, 2022

This is what I see from what you wrote.

She is lying.

She has had all summer to figure out a way to tell you exactly what you want to hear. ---- So you see now? She's not so bad after all. You can breathe a sigh of relief. It really wasn't that bad! barf --- Given the circumstances that you say you knew before this "confession", could you have imagined any other story that would have put her actions and her person in a better shade of light? I'll wait...

Think about this FACT, the only thing you know for sure is that she is willing to boldly lie to your face. That is the only thing that has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. Deep down you know this.

What I would ask you if you were my brother or my son is, "Why do you think so little of yourself that you will accept this level of contempt and disrespect?"

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 206   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8759230
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Thingsthatmakeyougohmm ( new member #79337) posted at 3:19 PM on Thursday, October 13th, 2022

Will you be asking for a polygraph? You could mention one just to see how she reacts.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2021   ·   location: New Hampshire
id 8759367
Topic is Sleeping.
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