I haven't shared in a while, but I need to vent about recent events.
The affair occurred well over a decade ago. I made a lot of mistakes back then with the 'pick-me' dance. I believed the gaslighting, and accepted the rugsweeping and trickle truth. Some major rugsweeping prevented me from asking anything for 3 years (hence my username). By that time, I reached a point where I just accept that this is my life, and it seems silly to hold my partner accountable now for the mistakes of 3+ years ago.
But every few months, or every few years, I wonder what she didn't tell me; why was it so important to keep stuff hidden that long. It eats at you and doesn't go away.
This has been my summer. I had questions about what occurred; fWW thought I need to forget about it, it was the past and I need to move forward. I had reached a point where I realized I DO deserve to know. I kept asking all summer; she resisted all summer. I asked nicely, I demanded, I provided detailed questions so she could be comfortable responding, and I provided tons of reasons why these were important to me. I filled in the narrative myself since she wasn't answering, and received zero validation. I have not, since DDay, received any documentation of what happened. fWW just was not going to tell me. We discussed it with MC, who also challenged me on why I needed to know..."you got the girl, move forward." (W.T.F.?) For years, I had been given tid-bits of information, and had to accept it. More recently, fWW is claiming she doesn't even remember. Yet I know there is stuff she is not telling me; and knowing she is keeping secrets means she is still protecting the relationship.
I'm a pretty balanced, low-key guy. I like MC, and I usually feel good after a session. I was again challenged as to why I need to know more, what it will get me. I pointed out that, as important as this is for me to know, it is more important for her to hide it. But after months of trying and failing to get answers, and being told by both MC and fWW that more detailed information will not help me...I had a meltdown. I know I deserve the information, and was appalled that they both think I have enough.
Well, on the way home, I asked some questions of WW, and got some useful answers.
Later in the day, I tried to ask more questions, but was met with resistance. I had a major meltdown/blowup and left.
Later in the evening, I tried again, was again met with initial resistance, then she finally agreed to give some answers.
And lo-and-behold, the answers were useful. They made me feel better about myself, WW and the nature of her relationship with AP. The way WW answered questions, she sounded honest rather than looking for what she thought I wanted to hear. WW sounded like she had regrets beyond getting caught. Honestly, the relationship sounded boring, made me feel like I'm glad I'm not that guy. Weirdly, if that is what fWW wants, have at it (and I could see how maybe sometimes she does want that.)
There is plenty more that I learned. I feel a bit vindicated. MC and WW thought they knew better than I did what is good for me...they didn't. I shared some of this via a note to MC, in part to have actual documentation, and in part to point out why this information was useful to me. I suspect MC didn't realize how many gaps there were in my knowledge. I hope WW and MC understand that I didn't even know what I didn't know, so there was no way to justify needing to know it.
What am I going to do with this new information? The good news is it made me feel good about myself; I am still livid that it takes sooooo much effort to get it. If and when there is another MC session, I WILL make sure they know I was right and they were wrong. Petty? Maybe, but IDGAF.
