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Hi everyone. I’m pretty new here but almost 4 months post D-Day. I was speaking to my IC recently about how I’m coping with the difficult feelings - I told her the various strategies I use throughout the day (meditation, journalling, reading, walking etc) and then mentioned that I tend to have a lot of emotional flooding right before bedtime.

She suggested that a lot of what I’m doing might be distracting myself from the trauma and big emotions, rather than processing them. We’re obviously going to explore this together as part of our sessions, but I wondered if anyone had any suggestions or could share their experience of processing the trauma in a constructive way, that doesn’t just distract from the pain (but also doesn’t result in a huge, uncontrollable emotional outburst).

Thanks so much 😊

In my experience - sometimes you gotta let the flood flood. It purges the system so to speak.

Think of it like letting a wound drain. You have to let that happen or infection sets in.

At only 4 months the fact that you are even thinking enough to type is amazing.

Keep at it - keep going to IC - keep coming to SI - keep doing amazing.

I had a PTSD diagnosis before the A. Lucky me. Journaling, mindfulness, exercise, are all great distractions....but don't really process trauma. Be kind to yourself. Lots of self-care. Remind yourself rationally/cognitively of all the good parts of you.

HAVE.THE.OUTBURST......as long as you're not physically hurting yourself or others.....you need to feel the big feelings so that they start to diminish. 4 months out, this happened daily for me. Nearly 4 years out, it's once a month or so. Hang in there. 4 months out is still survival mode....and is it still happening?

Are you getting triggered and THEN having the big emotions? Do you know what might be triggering you? Triggering, for me, is a bit like exposure therapy. Eventually, given I've felt all the crappy feelings, when I'm triggered now, I can feel the crap and in the nanosecond before my limbic system floods, I can do some grounding exercises to remind myself that I'm not in the past. That is more like giving myself a hug. Rinsing my wrists under cold water. Tapping. Saying my name, and the date, and bringing myself into the present.

EMDR was a godsend for me.

4 months out, you're doing amazing! I couldn't eat or sleep or really function....but history of trauma here.

Hugs to you.

I went out to the car and screamed until I was hoarse so I wouldn't scare the inside animals. I sat at my desk and just let the tears roll. Nobody at home to see, so I could.

Later, I found that mindfulness and meditation helped me control my thought spirals.

Thanks everyone. I think I’m doing pretty well all things considered. But yes, feeling the feelings is something I’m working on, rather than just distracting myself from them.

My therapist and I are going to explore EMDR, which might help with some of the physical symptoms and shock aspect.

I have a full understand of the affair - what happened, why it happened, and it ended months before I discovered it (and the AP is no longer living in this country). All of which has helped to some extent.

It takes a lot less energy to just let the feelings flow than to strategize about them. They're just feelings - you have them, they don't have you.

Perhaps more important, it takes time to heal. It takes a lot more time than anyone thinks it should. My reco is to do whatever you need to do to take time pressure off.

(signed) sisoon, whose SI name says something about the time pressure he felt when he joined SI....

Healing is a journey, you have to work on it. You cannot sit and wait for healing to find you. You have to start by putting yourself first, make goals and reach for them. For me it was fitness / nutrition. Then as you travel process triggers and feelings and drop them along the road.

I had to let go of the AP comparisons. He was not my WW’s type at all. He was out of shape, overweight and only playing a role in her fantasy. He was not special, he was exactly what my WW casted him to be. I still have triggers related to AP but they aren’t that severe because I up rooted the AP and dropped him along the road.

I had to take back dates, mostly the the 4th of July. The first year I couldn’t do anything but my neighbors invited us and we had a good time. The next year we had a planned a big party and it was great, now I actually look forward to the 4th.

I had to stop letting triggers knock me down. I started looking at what they were telling. I started processing triggers more rationally and without the anger.

As you process things leave them on the road, I see a lot people return years later not healed. They either carried all the trauma along with them or they sat and waited for healing to come to them.

I’m about 90% healed, I really don’t think we will ever be 100% so I’m about as good as I will get. I still have triggers and sad thoughts but I let it teach me and not provoke anger.

Best wishes on your journey, you are not alone.

Two good books to read... The Body Keeps Score by Bessell van der Kolk, which is not about infidelity but a master work on trauma from a guy who is unarguably one of the world's finest experts, and The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson, which while geared toward those who have split up has helped me more than anything else I've read.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:00 PM, Saturday, October 29th]

I use a technique that is called "connecting breathing". I have translated it from Dutch so I don’t know if it the right translation. But it helps to let the emotions out in a controlled way. It is very scary at first but when you get it under control it is very helpfull. A specialist therapist can help you to learn the technique.