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Newest Member: KRE74

Reconciliation :
Alcohol rears it's ugly head again...

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Runninghelps (original poster new member #79842) posted at 4:57 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

I'm about 15 months post-DD and recently WS decided he wanted to go solo skiing trip in our camper. He's been sober for about 6 months, so both our therapist and I didn't think this was a good idea, but he was hell-bent on going. Sadly, that night, I discovered he had used two different credit cards to access some site called Arousr? When I looked this up, it appears to be some type of porn chat site? When he returned home the next day, it was clear he had been drinking the night before, and claimed that "he blacked out and doesn't even know what happened." I have a hard time believing that since he used two different credit cards to access these sites.
Our MC says this is akin to another DD. Even worse, the fact that he fell this hard off the wagon, leads me to believe we're back to square one.

Is anyone here with a spouse who struggles with alcohol and infidelity? In looking at his search history, this was not the first time he'd been on these sites before his EA/PA in 2021. I don't think he's a sex addict, but for some reason when he drinks, porn and sex appear to be something he looks for. He's now acknowledging he needs better/more help, but not sure he's really committed to this.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2022
id 8772382
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 7:29 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

I’ve read your post earlier but as it touched a very emotional part of my life I realised a reply from me may not be very balanced.

Seeing that you haven’t got a reply yet (it’s Friday) I don’t want you to feel ignored so I’ll try.

As the daughter of an alcoholic (and later on the sister of an alcoholic brother) please get out whilst you can. I’ve watched two (loved) men sinking all the way (both died at a young age due to alcohol) and on their way down they traumatised a number of people that loved them very much.

The trauma inflicted by an alcoholic on everyone around them is huge. Cheating, lying, the high and lows, sometimes physical violence… I (and a lot of my family) am still processing all the trauma. I could talk about it forever.

Don’t let him take you down with him. Leave. If he recovers, if he truly gives up alcohol, he’ll find you. Otherwise he’ll take you down with him.

Sending you strength, please feel free to message if you need more support.

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1851   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: UK
id 8772405
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 8:25 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

I've recently finished reading the book, Chasing the Scream, by Johann Hari and I cannot recommend it enough for the perspective I gained on addictions in general. I'm the brother, son, grandson and nephew to alcoholics and narcotic addicts of varying degrees and it has really helped me to understand a little bit better what has gone on in their lives that caused this. In my brother's case, he experienced trauma at the age of two whereby he stuck his hand into a hide-a-bed couch as it was closing and he nearly lost his left ring finger. That trauma, even though it was an accident and it wasn't his fault, set him off down the wrong path. The book really details that for most people the way we think about addictions is upside down in that chemical hooks that we are told to exist are not nearly as potent nor prevalent as we once believed. In fact, an argument can be made that the use of drugs/alcohol/gambling/sex as a coping mechanism is their way of escaping/numbing themselves to a pain that they feel inside and it is a perfectly rational thing for them to do. Now, while it is rational, it has devastating consequences to their health and to the lives of those around you and believe me, I'm not saying your husband is off the hook. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but connection. Your husband has dealt with some form of trauma in his life that he needs to try and work on deep down inside and find healthy ways to connect to others and find purpose and meaning in those activities.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 669   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8772408
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:46 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

The first red flag here is the fact that he insisted on this trip despite your objections and the objections of the therapist. That alone shows that he isn’t putting you and your relationship first, and is going to do whatever he wants regardless of what’s best for you and the marriage.

Also, I agree with you that he’s lying about not remembering accessing the porn site, which shows that he has no remorse and no willingness to accept responsibility for his actions.

But even if he’s telling the truth about blacking out, that’s still a problem. If he’s going to fall off the wagon, and has no control over himself when he does, then how can you trust anything he says and does or that he will accept any accountability? You can’t.

If you let this incident slide, the only thing he will learn from it is that he can keep doing whatever he wants without consequences.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2011   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8772416
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Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 9:50 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

I am a daughter of two alcoholics, as well as a recovering alcoholic myself, with 18 years of sobriety. I'm also a BS.

Regarding your WH's relapse, you're not doing him any favors by keeping him from his true bottom. I'd bring on the consequences.

What boundaries have you set for him, and which of them did he break with his latest shenanigan? What are the consequences of him crossing the line? I worry that there are none, while you and your MC try to figure out what to do with him next. Is he participating in R at all?

Are you in AlAnon? If not, you should be. I worry that you're trying to "fix" him, and the most basic truth is, you can't.

He has to do this on his own, with a good sponsor and a ton of honesty and determination to not allow this disease to kill him. Alcoholics will tell themselves (and anyone that will listen to them) that they don't have alcoholism "that bad" and will remain in denial that they have a potentially fatal disease. They'll half-ass recovery until they realize that this disease is coming after them like a hound straight out of hell, trying to kill them. They don't get to that point until they've been hit squarely in the face by a lot of consequences. THEN they get serious enough to do the hard work that the 12 steps demand of them.

Don't be his soft place to land so that he can convince himself that what he did wasn't "that bad."

If I could say something to him, from one drunk to another, I'd tell him this: Sorry buddy, but it's time to shape up or ship out. Get serious about getting your addiction and your life under control. Right now, you're tossing away the best chance you've got in life. Don't blow it. Your wife may be there to love you and make things easier on you right now, but your addiction still wants you dead.

Oh, and the diagnosis of sexual addiction must be made by a professional, so none of us will be able to answer that questions for you. Sorry.

Remember to take good care of YOU and try not to be too co-dependent with him. Your MC is right, this is another D-Day, so you have some self-care to do right now and when your head is clear, some decisions to make. I wish you peace and serenity!

Me: BW, 57, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Charleston, SC
id 8772417
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 10:04 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

Previous posters have much better insight into addiction than I do, but I wanted to echo what someone said above about him going in the first place against your therapist’s advice and your wishes being a big red flag. If he’s serious about recovery and reconciliation of all kinds, he wouldn’t be doing that in the first place. Even if he were being 100% honest about blacking out and not remembering his actions (which seems incredibly unlikely), the fact is, he chose stone cold sober to put himself in that position. That is a huge issue and a huge problem.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 638   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8772419
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 2:47 PM on Saturday, January 7th, 2023

How do you know he didn’t access the porn sites sober?

This smells like a well thought out plan. He’s going off by himself in a camper. He should have just hung a sign that said I’m going off to cheat for the weekend.

He’s not a cheater b/c he drinks. He’s a cheater that also has a drinking problem.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13977   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8772470
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 6:12 PM on Monday, January 9th, 2023

As someone who resided with a young person in and out of NA for years, and as a long time Al-anon participant I think this assessment has a bit too much guess work in it - but ultimately it doesn't matter:

This smells like a well thought out plan. He’s going off by himself in a camper. He should have just hung a sign that said I’m going off to cheat for the weekend.

He’s not a cheater b/c he drinks. He’s a cheater that also has a drinking problem.

I agree this sounds like a well thought out plan to be off in a camper somewhere. The rest of the plan? Who knows. Addicts like to fuel the addiction - so it could have been a well thought out plan to go boozing and the porn site was fueled by the booze - or it could be a plan to do both from the get go. Or it could have been a hapless plan to "get away from" whatever life was throwing at him that he could not deal with - giving himself permission to do all that he did subconsciously without really admitting anything to himself, as addicts are known to do that too.

Re-read SolarChick's post. Get yourself to Al-Anon - the support there is immense - it's like finding a life-raft in a sea of excrement. So many people there have dealt with infidelity + addiction. You will definitely not be alone.

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2359   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8772661
Topic is Sleeping.
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