SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I have an account on OKCupid because I'm always open to meeting new and interesting people. Yup, it says I'm poly and that I have partners.

Last night I got a message from a local in my city, 45m. His profile says he's looking for a FWB, and his message said he wanted to chat and bounce some ideas about polyamory.

I messaged back to say I'm not interested in FWB but I could chat for a bit. So he asks me some questions about how polyamory works for me, and then drops in a comment about his wife is very uptight about anything that violates the tenets of monogamy.

*record scratch* "... does she know you're here and having these conversations?"

"No, but I consider this just doing research."

"With a profile that says looking for FWB? Don't kid yourself. And anyone who would be giving you info for your "research" under these conditions probably isn't the person you should be getting info on polyamory from."

"Guess I'll have to get a divorce then. I should maybe just change it to looking for a FWB but trying to keep my marriage together."

Yup. Just a garden variety cheater masquerading as polyamorous. It's disgusting. The level of self deception is just incredible.

This is NOT what ethical non monogamy looks like!!! I blocked him right after that.

Yup. Just a garden variety cheater masquerading as polyamorous. It's disgusting. The level of self deception is just incredible.

Was he my xwh?

I *did* hate poly people early on. I don't now. I absolutely know it's not a lifestyle I want for myself, but for others so long as everyone's being honest and above-board that that's what they're doing, then to each their own.

Just curious, but how much of the poly community do you think is actually practicing ethical non-monogamy? Just a hunch from a BW, but I suspect a lot of "poly" folks are actually just cheaters acting like that's not what they're doing...

I don’t hate poly people, but my experience with close friends and acquaintances that are in this community is that they are constantly looking for the "high" of new relationships and validation from other people. One thing they say a lot is that "One person can’t fulfill all my needs," to which I always retort with, "Why is it the job of other people to fulfill all your needs?”

And as much as they talk a good game about honesty and communication, they are constantly breaking the rules and boundaries that are agreed upon with their partners and engaging in a lot of high school-level interpersonal drama.

Now that poly is being recognized as an identity— rather than a lifestyle choice— there are more people like the guy who messaged you who try to cloak their inability or unwillingness to fulfill their commitments and desire to sleep around at the expense of their partners as innate personality traits worthy of respect and consideration rather than character defects that ought to be worked through and overcome.

Edit;add: I hope you don’t take this post as personal disparagement of you, PSTI. You seem like a very self-aware, loving, and honest person who would probably be a great friend and partner in real life. Perhaps my feelings just reflective of the poly people to whom I’ve been exposed, but the lifestyle just seems way to fraught and emotionally exhausting.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:36 PM, Friday, January 6th]

Honestly, I suspect most of the people in the actual poly community are legit. Because cheaters wouldn't be able to go out to those kind of public meetings and get togethers. People talk and they do name and shame cheaters so I don't think they last long.

The kink community has more, but they again tend to be more on the periphery because people talk. If you can't come out to events and whatnot, or people know you're married and your spouse never comes... it's a big flag and you'll get some tough questions.

The swinger community? Cheaters are pretty common, and that sucks. It's also harder to unmask them because people drift in and out so there seems to be less cohesiveness to the community as a whole.

But just on dating websites? Oh yeah, that's why I screen very very early on. I wasn't even interested in dating this guy and as soon as the conversation got hinky that was my first question. But I don't consider those people part of the community. In my area, there is quite an active in person poly community and I would be very surprised if more than a few were cheaters. It's just not possible to keep up the charade when people are specifically seeking ethical polyamory.

Think about it. If they lie and say they're single, partners will expect to be invited to their homes. They can't do that, obviously- but they can only put it off so long with excuses. If they say they're married and just doing DADT, experienced poly people will either ask for verification anyway (it's really not hard if it's true), or won't touch it with a ten foot pole (I won't date DADT no matter what, for various reasons). It's really difficult for them to get away with anything under those circumstances.

Well I hope you don't take it personally PTSI, but for me if anyone I am dating or thinking about dating breathes one whiff of "poly" around me, I'm out (respectfully of course, but I am running as far away from that as I can get). Unless they are talking about polycarbonate, or polyethylene, or roly poly's

It just left a permanent and irreversible twist in my gut how I was introduced to the concept of polyamory. I'd never even heard the word until dday when my xwh dropped it on me that he was and that he was going to date and have sex with a teenager so he could 'experience the poly life he wanted'. I still just smh at all of that... and that I even entertained the notion of staying with him. I know he isn't really poly - he's immature and gloms onto people to feed his ego/pay his bills/be the adult so he doesn't have to, but still.

I don’t hate poly people, but my experience with close friends and acquaintances that are in this community is that they are constantly looking for the "high" of new relationships and validation from other people. One thing they say a lot is that "One person can’t fulfill all my needs," to which I always retort with, "Why is are you looking for other people to fulfill all your needs?"

And as much as they talk a good game about honesty and communication, they are constantly breaking the rules and boundaries that are agreed upon with their partners and engaging in a lot of high school-level interpersonal drama.

Now that poly is being recognized as an identity— rather than a lifestyle choice— there are more people like the guy who messaged you who try to cloak their inability or unwillingness to fulfill their commitments and desire to sleep around at the expense of their partners as innate personality traits worthy of respect and consideration rather than character defects that ought to be worked through and overcome.

Edit;add: I hope you don’t take this post as personal disparagement of you, PSTI. You seem like a very self-aware, loving, and honest person who would probably be a great friend and partner in real life. Perhaps my feelings just reflective of the poly people to whom I’ve been exposed, but the lifestyle just seems way to fraught and emotionally exhausting.

Blue (thank you for the kind words btw), I agree that the unmet needs thing is just as gross in polyamory as it is in cheating. People are not need filling machines. Relationships are supposed to be about give and take, not just take! I think a lot of new poly people start with that attitude, like my relationship doesn't have any kinky sex, so I'll add another partner to get that need met.

Over time, they learn that really doesn't work. You can't prop up one relationship with another. If it's not satisfying as a whole, and that doesn't mean meets all your needs, it's not going to be a long term runner anyway. You have to have done the work in the relationship you're in already as well as on yourself, before you can even consider a second one.

If I had no other relationships, my marriage to DH meets my needs. It's hitting all the "relationship" checkboxes. I'm not polyamorous because I want a partner to do X, Y, or Z with. I'm polyamorous because I like knowing that if I meet an interesting person, that I'm free to engage with them any way that suits the two of us. We could be friends, or activity partners, or f*ck buddies, or fall in love. Who knows? But I'm not auditioning people to squeeze into a tiny role in my life to meet needs. I'm leaving myself open to interesting possibilities that might include sex or romance, without taking anything away from what I have with DH because it's not about him or our marriage.

I mean, as for the rules and boundaries... I could have a lovely conversation with you on why rules are generally a bad idea and boundaries are better, but that's a bit of a digression. I do think newbies make a lot of mistakes because they jump in with both feet without actually doing the work either on their relationship or themselves, so no arguments there.

I think that the bad "poly" people tend to be more visible, just like bad marriages tend to be more visible than the quiet good ones. It's a shame but it is what it is.

As for emotionally exhausting, it sure can be at times! All relationships go through bumpy patches. But some of us thrive on that level of depth and emotional connection with multiple relationships and others couldn't imagine that much emotional labour. I totally understand and respect that polyamory is not for everyone. And not because of enlightenment or any of that other nonsense- simply because they're not interested. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I do get incensed at the cheaters who try to hide under the poly umbrella though. That's not what this is all about.

[This message edited by PSTI at 3:54 PM, January 6th (Friday)]

Ellie, absolutely I can understand that. Your ex wasn't poly, but that's not even close to the point. If what you want is a monogamous relationship, definitely you'd run the other way before dating anyone you had an inkling was interested in nonmonogamy of any stripe. What's the point in dating someone incompatible?

I ran into an old friend of mine’s daughter (30). I know from Facebook she is poly. We had a great visit and talked about her lifestyle. I like to view all sides of anything, so I had questions. We had a great conversation, no judgment, she’s known me her whole life was comfortable talking about it.

It’s not for me, but my libertarian view says, you do what makes sense for you.

I'm polyamorous because I like knowing that if I meet an interesting person, that I'm free to engage with them any way that suits the two of us.

Is this statement equally true for your husband?

Just out of curiosity, what is a DBF?

Is this statement equally true for your husband?

Unhinged, of course. And for my boyfriend, although he prefers to be monogamous. Why wouldn't it be?

Just out of curiosity, what is a DBF?

Dear Boyfriend, like people use DH for Dear Husband.

Just easier to choose a quick acronym to identify which partner I'm speaking about.

That's not why I hate them.

I was thinking "eh, this looks like a poly case where things seem to be ok", until I read the "DBF would prefer to be monogamous" bit.

I've also recently been exposed to the poly thing. I heard about it before, it's just that I met two people in rapid succession that self-identified as such. In both cases, it sounded to me that one of the partners would be what we call a "malakas" where I'm from: Someone who is not really into poly but will settle with it in order not to loose their love interest.

The most striking one was the poly lady I met a few weeks ago. She described how she got into it:

She fell madly in love with someone, who soon thereafter came in and told her he also fell in love with somebody else. When she described how sad and lost she left, I could really see it in her eyes. Then she snapped back and I got the whole "but monogamy is a societal construct and we're being forced into it against our true nature". Well, I don't know where Waldo is, but "malakas" is sitting right in front of me.

I might be projecting, but I think that the couple of hours I spent talking with that lady, it was all about her trying to convince herself that this is ok.

I felt there was a connection, but I noped out of there really, really hard.

EDIT:
Here's a couple of things I don't get with polyamory:
1. The emotional budgeting that is implied when dealing with 2 (or more) romantic/emotional relationships:
Falling in love with a person implies that they dominate your thoughts and planning on a daily basis. How can you possibly keep thinking of two people at the same time? (*cough* well, that sentence can be interpreted in a funny, yet immature, way).
2. The claim of preserving your freedom in a poly relationship.
Everyone is free in every type of relationship. There's nothing stopping anyone in a typical monogamous relationship from having EA/PA's. It's the voluntary and involuntary/subconscious relinquish of those freedoms that (for me) define a relationship. Voluntarily because you want to pursue a stable future with your partner, something that takes a serious amount of time/finances/effort. Involuntary because of the aforementioned "dominates your thoughts throughout your day".

[This message edited by Feta at 3:04 PM, Sunday, January 8th]

I'm polyamorous because I like knowing that if I meet an interesting person, that I'm free to engage with them any way that suits the two of us. We could be friends, or activity partners, or f*ck buddies, or fall in love. Who knows? But I'm not auditioning people to squeeze into a tiny role in my life to meet needs.

What I'm not wrapping my mind around is why you're on a matchmaking website. If it's just about being free to engage in any way you like with whoever you meet, why the drive to meet more people? What's the payoff in that? There's got to be some sort of reason for continued seeking. We don't typically engage in activities without purpose. Sometimes that purpose isn't really clear, but that doesn't mean there isn't one.

I don't hate them. I just don't understand it at all.

I love my husband. It would devastate me to know he was sharing the most private part of himself with another woman. Sexual intimacy is a big part of what makes a marriage special. If he's out there giving that part of himself away,it cheapens the marital intimacy.

I would never be ok with it,simply so I can be with other men. The trade off wouldn't be worth it. I'm ok with not sharing my body with every man I find attractive. My marriage is sacred,and I will protect it.

I was thinking "eh, this looks like a poly case where things seem to be ok", until I read the "DBF would prefer to be monogamous" bit.

Feta, you misunderstand. DBF wants to be mono, himself. He doesn't have the time for multiple relationships. But he has absolutely zero issue with me being poly. We all live together and DH and DBF are close friends.

DBF likes to have a lot of down time because he's an introvert so he specifically wanted to be in a poly relationship, but doesn't want to BE poly.

Does that make more sense?

EDIT:

Here's a couple of things I don't get with polyamory:

1. The emotional budgeting that is implied when dealing with 2 (or more) romantic/emotional relationships:

Falling in love with a person implies that they dominate your thoughts and planning on a daily basis. How can you possibly keep thinking of two people at the same time? (*cough* well, that sentence can be interpreted in a funny, yet immature, way).

2. The claim of preserving your freedom in a poly relationship.

Everyone is free in every type of relationship. There's nothing stopping anyone in a typical monogamous relationship from having EA/PA's. It's the voluntary and involuntary/subconscious relinquish of those freedoms that (for me) define a relationship. Voluntarily because you want to pursue a stable future with your partner, something that takes a serious amount of time/finances/effort. Involuntary because of the aforementioned "dominates your thoughts throughout your day".

1) I think this is just the difference between mono wiring and poly wiring. Because yup, I can feel those intense feelings of love for both partners at once. It's rather like a cup of joy running over; pretty amazing. It doesn't take away, it adds.

2) Of course everyone is free to do whatever they want. The difference is that I am in relationships where I'm not violating relationship agreements if I decide to pursue something else. Because I'm not unethical? I don't really see your point here.

[This message edited by PSTI at 12:05 PM, January 8th (Sunday)]

Sexual intimacy is a big part of what makes a marriage special.

Hellfire, it's part of what makes a MONOGAMOUS marriage special.

Not all marriages. Would that mean asexual marriages aren't special, for example?

What is special in your relationship is what is mutually agreed on by you and your partner to be special. So if that's sex, that's awesome.

It does not make my marriage any less special because I have sex with or love other people.

What I'm not wrapping my mind around is why you're on a matchmaking website. If it's just about being free to engage in any way you like with whoever you meet, why the drive to meet more people? What's the payoff in that? There's got to be some sort of reason for continued seeking. We don't typically engage in activities without purpose. Sometimes that purpose isn't really clear, but that doesn't mean there isn't one.

It's not really a pursuit. It's something I activate every once in a while just to see who's out there. Sometimes you meet the most interesting people and that's awesome. I've made friends on dating websites, kink partners, and that's where I met both DH, DBF, and several other previous relationships.

People are interesting, and I've found that I broaden my horizons by spending time with different people doing different things. It doesn't have to be goal oriented.

Am I currently seeking a partner of any variety? No. Am I open to one? Sure, although I make it clear in my bio I don't have the bandwidth for another very serious relationship.

And frankly, if I meet someone I click with, sex with new people is fun. It's always different with a different person. Sometimes I learn new things and get to bring them home

But anyway, we've come rather far afield from the reason that I posted. But hey if you have more questions, we can revive that thread of mine, Ask a Poly Person?

I've had a different understanding of poly relationships then. I thought that it was more about relationships/commitment and not so much about dating.