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Reconciliation :
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Topic is Sleeping.
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Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 8:45 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

As gently as I can possibly muster as a BS.

My opinion is not going to be popular OR PC.

On Dday I felt like I was sucker punched by Mike Tyson. I would give ANYTHING to have just had a physical punch rather than the constant emotional body shots my husbands betrayal causes me EVERY EFFIN’ DAY!

I’m my opinion the emotional blow is EQUALLY if not worse than any physical blow.

I am in a constant emotional battle. I am always in the ring waiting for the phantom upper cut that I’m not prepared for.

I will never get over this. I will never see him the same way. I am reconciling but the best I am capable of is walking around with my heart aching and all I’ve been able to muster is a sticked up incision that is oozing pus. It might sound dramatic but it explicitly as accurate as I can be.

Sincerely.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 199   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8773394
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Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 8:49 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

Oh and you owe it to him to keep trying as long as he’s willing. He probably never would’ve laid hands on you or spoke poorly of you before your betrayal and he probably at times doesn’t even seem to be the same person you married……guess what…..neither are you.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 199   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8773395
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 9:24 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

I agree that the emotional effects of being betrayed are likely to be worse than the physical effects.

** Posting as a Member **

I do not agree that the WS owes it to the BS to accept being abused by the BS.

Two wrongs simply do not make one right. Never have. Never will.

** End Posting as a Member **

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:24 PM, Saturday, January 14th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29787   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8773397
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Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 10:04 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

What does the *end posting as a member* mean? 🤔

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen this.

If he is constantly being physically abusive I guess you should just leave him. He’s already been devastated by your betrayal …leaving him will just be a continuation of what you did when you cheated- he probably expects it anyway.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 199   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8773402
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 10:48 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

Howcth, I understand very well the emotional gutpunch that's caused by infidelity. I understand a BS wanting to lash out, to hurt their ws like their ws hurt them. I get that.

But nothing excuses physical violence. Period.

ww or not, the op does NOT 'owe' her BH to tolerate his being physically abusive to her because he's emotionally hurt. I get his pain and believe me I empathize with it, but his hurt feelings do not give him the right to beat on his wife.

I'm saying this as gently as I can, but you saying that is not only not pc, it's just not okay in any way for you to be telling a woman to just deal with her husband's physical abuse.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8773407
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Never2late ( member #79079) posted at 11:07 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

No physical violence ever.

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8773411
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Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 11:39 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

I wish people had no tolerance for betrayal.

I wish it was just as socially unacceptable.

The OP should not accept the hurt he’s putting her through. And neither should he.

I think the betrayal was probably a deal breaker for him and he’s going insane and against his better judgement trying to forgive and reconcile.

I feel the same way. All I want is for him to feel the same pain as I feel and really the only way to do that is to become a liar and selfish jerk and I’m not trying to lower myself to that…..but really that’s the only way.

The WS always wants credit for the new improved effort they put in. They want us to look at the shitty situation and find reason to stay, try to forgive and find the good——but we ALL KNOW they didn’t do it when they had a loyal partner so how hard is it now that we have a cheating one.

I’m sure he hates what he’s become.

[This message edited by Howcthappen at 11:41 PM, Saturday, January 14th]

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 199   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8773414
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Never2late ( member #79079) posted at 11:48 PM on Saturday, January 14th, 2023

HowctHappen, in my heart I feel the same as you. But you can never extract that pain even if you behaved as unscrupulously.. because the pain comes from the kind and degree of emotional investment the BS had in the WS and relationship...which they clearly did not have otherwise they would have never done what they did.

Sorry for the hijack.

[This message edited by Never2late at 12:40 AM, Sunday, January 15th]

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8773418
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 12:04 AM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

The WS always wants credit for the new improved effort they put in. They want us to look at the shitty situation and find reason to stay, try to forgive and find the good

Not the remorseful ones. You can spot a remorseful former wayward member here a mile away. It is usually very evident, and that starts with them NOT looking for credit/recognition/ego strokes for trying to make amends. They put their partner's pain way in front of their own. They have empathy. They are contrite, yet will not be undeservingly walked over. They know their worth, but they know the worth of who they betrayed, also.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4346   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8773421
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Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 12:05 AM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

NEver2–

This pain cuts deeper than any other wound I’ve ever known. When I spent ever waking moment praying for and thinking about my husband and family……for him to be lying to me is just excruciatingly painful.

It makes me question God and the way I go about the world.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 199   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8773422
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 3:26 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

Kfi2

Well- others have posted pretty much my assessment - the last sentence of this list of selected - I think it's time you pulled the plug on your ties.

I think he is unable to get past this. He tells me he is, but every action proves no.


waitedwaytolong:
That said, I get where your BS is coming from. I too when asked if I were ok responded that I was. Far from it in reality. I was never ok. The thoughts about her affair haunted me every day. Like you, she did everything she could to make things right. Except she couldn’t.


Howcthappen:
As gently as I can possibly muster as a BS.

My opinion is not going to be popular OR PC.

On Dday I felt like I was sucker punched by Mike Tyson. I would give ANYTHING to have just had a physical punch rather than the constant emotional body shots my husbands betrayal causes me EVERY EFFIN’ DAY!

I’m my opinion the emotional blow is EQUALLY if not worse than any physical blow.

I am in a constant emotional battle. I am always in the ring waiting for the phantom upper cut that I’m not prepared for.

I will never get over this. I will never see him the same way. I am reconciling but the best I am capable of is walking around with my heart aching and all I’ve been able to muster is a sticked up incision that is oozing pus. It might sound dramatic but it explicitly as accurate as I can be.

Sincerely.

and another:
I think the betrayal was probably a deal breaker for him and he’s going insane and against his better judgement trying to forgive and reconcile.
(ITALICS mine)

He can't do the plug-pulling - it is the old "Damned if I do, Damned if I don't"

And another observation - if he had been mugged in a parking garage - he would be over it by now.
Getting "mugged" by a wife having sex with another - the damage is permanent.
Both situations will be a memory forever - the physical beating will fade to just a memory. Acceptance you were a convenient target at the moment in time.

The "wife" having copulated with another outside of marriage - a memory that will bring pain every time - not so severe given a long time lapse - but there. Buried in his brain in some small nook of memory - but will never fade to the same category of storage as the random mugging in a parking garage.

For those that say "I'm over it" - I think they are hoodwinking themselves. Ya, self study, counseling, "making a new marriage" is a way forward - but what was lost is gone forever.

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery.If you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, why not bungee jumping off a bridge span? For an extra thrill, don’t anchor the cord.

posts: 882   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8773464
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:23 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

All I want is for him to feel the same pain as I feel....

Gently, how would that help you heal?

Again, gently, that's '2 wrongs make a right' thinking. You're angry, lashing out at your WS. That's natural, but it's a dead end.

The only way to punish a WS it to D. But punishing the WS is also '2 wrongs make a right'.

What do you want, Howcth? Getting as much of what you want as you can is what will help heal you. Finding your path back to a good life is healing. That may mean D - not as punishment for your WS but as a way to live better for you.

If R is too difficult to stomach, why choose the R path?

*****

For those that say "I'm over it" - I think they are hoodwinking themselves. Ya, self study, counseling, "making a new marriage" is a way forward - but what was lost is gone forever.

Yes, BSes lose something, and that something is gone forever.

As for hoodwinking, you're hoodwinking yourself if you think you know the minds of people who have healed.

My W cheated, which I learned about 12 years ago. I still experience consequences from the A - negative and positive - today. But the pain I felt from being betrayed, that's pretty much gone.

You don't have to believe me, but your disbelief doesn't change the fact that I'm no longer in pain.

I'm just another human being, like you and everybody else. I believe we all can process the pain of being betrayed out of our bodies. We all can heal.

*****

'** Posting as a Member **' starts that section of the post. '**End Posting as a Member **' ends it - back to mod mode.

If it were HTML, I think it would look like [Posting as a Member] and [/Posting as a Member]. I hope that answers your question.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29787   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8773471
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:31 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

HCH:

Oh and you owe it to him to keep trying as long as he’s willing. He probably never would’ve laid hands on you or spoke poorly of you before your betrayal and he probably at times doesn’t even seem to be the same person you married……guess what…..neither are you.

Nobody is "owed" a relationship with anyone, no matter what the circumstances.

If (as your post implies) you think that OP deserves to be physically assaulted by her husband because she cheated, then the argument can easily be made that he deserved to be cheated on because of something he did prior to the affair.

Either everyone is accountable for their own actions or no one is.

OP:

You don’t say anything about what your husband was like prior to your affair, but honestly, I think that’s irrelevant at this point.

It’s apparent that your relationship is irrevocably broken and that it’s not safe for you to remain married to him.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1894   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8773481
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:15 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

I wish people had no tolerance for betrayal.

I think I understand what you're saying. Infidelity IS abuse. It is emotional and sexually abusive. And,often, there's financial abuse. I know some will say this isn't true. However,I believe most of us wouldn't have had sex with our WS,had we known they were having sex with someone else. I would not have consented. Therefore, I felt sexually violated. That is sexual abuse. And, if any money was spent on the AP during the affair, family money,that's financial abuse.

It's been over a decade. I will always bear the scars of his infidelity.

Abuse is abuse. Whenever a WW says her husband hit her, the response is overwhelming,that she must leave him. Now.

Yet, we have an entire forum dedicated to those who want to reconcile with their abusive WS. As long as they say sorry. As long as they work on no longer being abusive. As long as they act as if they're remorseful (and some are, it's not an act), we encourage them to stay married. Even,sometimes, when a new bs shows up,saying they want to divorce, some members(usually the same ones), talk about R,and try to make them see how that's possible.

So..I do understand what you're saying. Some abuse is irredeemable, while other abuse is accepted,as long as it stops.

Very few in this thread said its ok to speak to him,give him that ultimatum,and allow him the chance to work on himself,as a ws is allowed that chance.

The truth is..no abuse is acceptable. Ever. Not infidelity abuse,not physical abuse. Is she a monster,irredeemable, because she abused her husband? No. Is he a monster because he pushed his wife? No. She was allowed to stay,and work on herself. And,if she wants to give him that chance,to stay and work on himself, there's nothing wrong with that at all. But,just as he should end it immediately if she cheats again, she should end it if he is physically abusive again.

HowC..hugs to you. I understand that anger. It stayed with me,until my husband finally got what he did.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:17 PM, Sunday, January 15th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8773491
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Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 6:35 PM on Monday, January 16th, 2023

Hellfire- everything you said was perfect!!

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 199   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8773550
Topic is Sleeping.
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