It's been a bit more than one year since I made an account on SI (I’ve been reading occasionally for at least four years prior to that), and it’s been six years since DDay. I wish I could say things are great now, but they aren’t. I’m sorry this is not a positive reconciliation story, but I still want to write it. There are things to be learned from other stories, too. Anyway, these are my truths.
#1 Reconciliation cannot happen if you don’t know the truth.
Six years ago, I knew enough to realize he betrayed me, but not enough to realize the extent of the betrayal. There were indications there’s more to the story than what he’s telling me, but I didn’t really have any proof, as the strongest evidence was in his head only. That enabled him to lie and minimize for years after DDay. We had countless conversations, read a bunch of stuff together, talked and worked on relationship problems, and so on. However, my gut was still screaming for answers and truth about the betrayal. At one point (4-5 years after DDay) he realized I won’t let it go, and then the torture of trickle-truth begun. For more than one year, he was giving me bits and pieces, along with some major revelations. I had to drag the information out of him. It was exhausting – mentally, emotionally, physically.
The worst thing is that now, after everything, I don’t feel I have full understanding of both whats and whys. The story changed so many times, there are still inconsistencies and unanswered questions. He claims he’s honest now, but he just "doesn’t remember" (it happened so long ago, it wasn’t important enough for him to memorize it, he tried hard to forget it all these years, he himself does not have a clear understanding of whats and whys, blah, blah, blah). This is the reason why I don’t have my story written on my profile – I don’t even know what to write. My shortcoming regarding this is that I’m the kind of person who needs to know. Ofc, due to lies, minimizing, and trickle-truths, I am now very reluctant to trust what he’s saying, especially if it doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t know is there a way out of this, but I now feel that with each passing day, the chance I’ll get my answers decreases. That makes me sad.
#2 No amount of ABC can compensate for XYZ. Sometimes it really is too late for XYZ.
In a recent thread on Wayward Side there was a brief discussion how BSs need XYZ, but WSs do ABC, and think that should count. Well, ofc it counts, it’s just that it’s not enough. I made my XYZ very clear so many times, and I’m still not getting those. He blames it on his inner demons – avoidance, anxiety, fears – and circumstances. I feel I’ve been patient enough. I’m sick of promises, I’m sick of hearing "tomorrow, next week, month, summer…", and I’m sick of circumstances. We like to tell ourselves "It’s never too late". While that is a positive stance towards life, the truth is it can be misused. It can become an excuse to delay, to hesitate, to wait, instead of acting now. "It's never too late, so I’m gonna kick the can down the road, and deal with it in the future." If you wait for the perfect moment when all is safe and assured, it may never arrive. If you wait too long, it may happen that there will be no future. Sometimes literally. Two weeks ago, I got a pretty serious medical diagnosis. I’m strong and hopeful, but it might be too late for some of XYZ.
#3 Time doesn’t heal (it’s just a correlation).
So many times I read statements such as "it will get better in time", "time really heals all wounds", "you just need some time", "it usually takes X amount of time to heal", etc. Bullshit. Time doesn’t heal anything. The only ones who can do the healing are WSs and BSs. Sure, they do it over time, but time here just does what it normally does – it passes. If I’m upset about XY, and it doesn’t get resolved somehow, I will be upset about it tomorrow, in 2 months, and in 17 years. That’s who I am – I need things resolved. The only alternative I can think of is to make things irrelevant. In this case, it means to divorce. I know myself, and I know this is how I function. Unfortunately, my husband is in a "time heals everything" camp. He thinks he knows me better, and that the passage of time has some special powers. I wish I could just "let it go", I wish I could forget, I wish I could let the time do its magic, but even if I divert all my conscious power into accepting that some things will not be resolved, my brain will remind me they are not resolved – I will dream about it. It’s like an itch. So, why not just scratch / resolve it? Time is not a healer, consistent actions over time are.
#4 There’s one more thing about time – we cannot get it back.
This is related to everything I wrote so far. The betrayal took our early 30s. Reconciliation attempt took our mid and late 30s. This means that on top of the betrayal issues, I have to deal with some other byproducts. Not having kids, for example. I do my best to do what sunflowers do – turn my head towards sunshine, but those dark shadows of resentment and anger are so tempting. I won’t write much about it; I need to be strong and positive for my upcoming health fight. Just want to say – if the betrayal had to happen, I’m sad we didn’t use the time after DDay more efficiently. Getting the truth, not delaying actions, and resolving issues would’ve made the difference.
Why didn’t I divorce him? I’m stubborn. And I love him. This time next year we'll be millionaires! And I’ll have a positive story.