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Newest Member: KRE74

Reconciliation :
New revelation

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Copingmybest (original poster member #78962) posted at 11:01 PM on Friday, March 31st, 2023

So this is my second anniversary of learning of my wife’s affair. Two days ago I was struggling with D day +2 years and since I couldn’t sleep I thought I’d write in my journal. Unfortunately my journal wasn’t in my drawer. This morning I asked my wife what happened to it as I knew she did something to it. She told me she threw it away as she was afraid of something happening to us and our kids finding it. I’m not happy about that as she is still being selfish and thinking of herself. I’ve been at the bar for the last 4-1/2 hours. I’m beside myself. It’s time for a big talk, and I think a tough decision, but right now I can’t think straight. Life sucks and I’m so tired of it.


Sorry for the shitty attitude but I’m so tired of it.

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[This message edited by Copingmybest at 9:54 AM, Thursday, April 6th]

posts: 275   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8785210
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:23 PM on Friday, March 31st, 2023

Wow, I'm speechless, I'd be absolutely livid. She had no right throwing away your journal.

Please stay away from the alcohol, you need to think with a clear mind.

Do what feels right for you. Focus on your happiness.

posts: 12178   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8785213
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 Copingmybest (original poster member #78962) posted at 12:52 AM on Saturday, April 1st, 2023

Annb, I drove down to the house we bought that our son will live in for the next two years during grad school. I’m not going to speak to my wife while under the influence of alcohol. I will admit, I had a great time with my friends at the bar. It was a lot of fun. Lots of joking around and laughing. I needed that.

posts: 275   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8785225
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 12:53 AM on Saturday, April 1st, 2023

OMG, I think that's an enormous violation. I could see her moving it somewhere safe and immediately telling you of its whereabouts and of her concerns, but throwing it away? Oh, hell no. No no no.

I'm almost 19 years out and I still have mine. I don't read it anymore, but I still have it. I keep it in a lockbox and have instructed my now-adult children to just toss the whole box when I die. And I kept an online journal of everything - like emails I found, PMs with my friends here that held information that I might want to look back at, etc. I finally deleted that about five years ago. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, but I tend to pain-shop, so it was really for the best.

A journal is such a personal thing. I'm so sad and mad on your behalf. That she didn't respect that is huge, I think. It was not hers to destroy.

No big talks while you're drinking, okay? And yeah, like annb said, take care of yourself first.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1335   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8785226
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:51 PM on Saturday, April 1st, 2023

Holy selfish self preservation Batman!

Your WW threw away your journal - your healing device - because she was afraid of the kids finding it one day if something happened.

I wonder how much translates to she found it, read it and didn't like the reflection in the mirror so she threw it away and then used the kids and their potential findings as blame.

That's some sick and twisted bullshit right there.

I'm sorry Copingmybest. I'm very sorry.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3802   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8785307
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:00 PM on Saturday, April 1st, 2023

Wow that is messed up.
Like the others said, hope you took a cab or Uber, and slept it off.
I found alcohol to be an escape that ultimately didn’t help me- it set me back. YMMV, but use sparingly.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do next.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6064   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8785311
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 7:11 AM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

Good to be having merry times with friends, giving worries a rest. Watch any slippery slope if needing the alcohol to be merry.

I threw away all my journaling and writings so that my kids won’t ever know so I do understand your wife’s concern, but utterly abhor her unilateral decision making. She has learnt nothing over the last 20 months. I read through your previous posts (can’t sleep). It seems efforts in your R have always been unilateral, with you making all the effort, which seems to have made your wife more than a tad complacent. I couldn’t see any evidence of you implementing the 180, which I see less as a list of tactics but about a focus on self, a journey of growth and discovery that builds up your inner resources and sense of self and self respect. Your wife’s most recent action with the journal is a serious boundary violation that suggests not only deep disrespect but frankly contempt. I feel your journey towards self respect is not dependent on your WW’s respect, that is codependency, but quite the contrary, she needs to be earning your respect and your trust, something it feels you’re both failing to see. Trust and respect are now set back to zero, IMO. But clearly she hasn’t got that memo. Put the ‘everything the WS needs to know’ article into an envelope and give it to her. Tell her she’s not got very long to do the catching up she’s failed to do. That’s ALL you say. Then implement the 180.

posts: 6646   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8785396
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 Copingmybest (original poster member #78962) posted at 1:31 PM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

Edie,
I had worked into a partial soft 180. Maybe more of a 90 or 120 so to speak. I have been focusing more on myself and less on us (at least the working on us and our relationship). I have learned that I can't alone fix us and if she's not totally committed to recovering our relationship, then I would focus more on myself. I gave her the "what every WS needs to know about their BS" link last year. She said it was a very good thread, but she never really did much to implement what she read. She also tossed my copy of "how to help your BS heal" book that I read and highlighted. I hadn't given it to her yet and when I asked if she read it before throwing it away she said no, I hadn't given it to her. We talked last night and she said she thinks I'm always looking for a reason to separate or D. I told her no, I'm looking for a reason NOT to separate ot D.

posts: 275   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8785406
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CFme923 ( member #82955) posted at 1:39 PM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

Yikes, throwing away someone else's belongs is horribly disrespectful and her avoidance is palpable.

Personally, I would consider a hard 180 if it were myself because she isn't getting it nor owning it.

posts: 99   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023
id 8785408
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 10:46 PM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

Coping,

Rewrite the journal and then tell your kids the story of the affair.

Your WW harmed her family not you, she did the crime, if your WW had robbed a bank or killed someone your kids would know why not this assault on her own children?

Did you fully expose the OM or confront?

[This message edited by survrus at 10:47 PM, Sunday, April 2nd]

posts: 1491   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8785442
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 12:50 AM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Unfortunately my journal wasn’t in my drawer. This morning I asked my wife what happened to it as I knew she did something to it. She told me she threw it away


What
The
Fuck

Consider telling her to find it or you are done. Yes, she won’t be able to, but you just want her rooting through trash.

That was a massive manipulation tactic, a mega-power play, on her part. I almost admire her brazenness, her single-minded focus on keeping up her facade above all else. She can’t lie to you any more about her affair, but she can sure lie to the rest of the universe, counting on you to keep it quiet too.

Sending strength, CMB!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3253   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8785456
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 1:06 AM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

I personally think what she did was abusive, malignant, and with maligned intent. Your WW didn’t throw the journal away to protect your kids but to exert power snd control over you.

I would implement the hard 180 immediately and seriously consider what’s best for you. I would leave kids, family, intertwined lives out of the equation in this thought process. Think selfishly about what you want and need to move forward and be happy in your life. You are obviously a giver, but I think you need to take a step back and think about you right now.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8785458
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 1:57 AM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

I'd have to agree with the other posters who say this was not only a boundary violation, but also a power play. In term of primate behaviour, she just challenged you. The question is, what are you willing to do about it? It's like a neighbour build a fence two feet onto your property. If you don't do anything, the property becomes his, because you tacitly agreed. Me, I'd burn the fence down, while having friends over for a BBQ.

There are a few books recommended here, but I'd recommend Sun Tsu's Art of War.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8785460
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 12:30 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

This is not a new revelation. This is a violation. I can understand being worried about kids finding things, but there are so many other ways to address that fear that don’t involve throwing away something so personal and important that belongs to someone else.

I have no idea how I would respond if my husband did that. My gut sense is that that would be no more talking, get a lawyer, burn it all down time. I know that’s not super helpful, but throwing away someone’s journal without asking? And throwing out the book?

Avoid the alcohol and focus on creating a good life for yourself. It might well be a life away from someone who has such total disregard for you and your well being.

[This message edited by Grieving at 12:31 PM, Monday, April 3rd]

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 638   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8785487
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 3:25 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Throwing out your personal and very private possession? That is a huge overstep. If she was afraid of the kids finding it, that's a legit fear and can be addressed, by DISCUSSING IT WITH YOU.

If the journal was out on a table somewhere, she could have hid it above the kitchen cupboards for pete's sake and then told you where it was when you got home.

There are several acceptable ways to handle her fear that don't involve trashing your very personal journal.

Too bad she didn't choose any of them.

I think this isn't JUST about the journal, but about where you guys are in general. It doesn't sound like she's made a lot of progress on herself if this is the kind of egregious boundary violating behavior she's choosing. What work has she done on herself? You're 2 years out... plenty of time for her to make headway on herself, if she was serious about doing anything.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1183   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8785498
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 Copingmybest (original poster member #78962) posted at 6:24 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Thank you everyone for your responses. We discussed this the other evening and she asked if I’d admit that my reaction to this was over the top. I didn’t feel like I overreacted to me, but thought maybe I was near the top. I asked if she’d admit that she had no right to throw away my journal. She told me that I had mentioned to her that the t wasn’t really helping anymore so that’s why she felt justified in dumping it. I repeated that it wasn’t hers to make that decision. She did apologize for throwing it away last night but thought there was no need for all the drama over this.I told her, what’s done is done and there’s nothing I can do about it now. After reading all of your support comments, I now feel like I was not over the top in my reaction, and actually was quite reserved compared to how the rest of you felt. Again, thank you for your support.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 6:55 PM, Monday, April 3rd]

posts: 275   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8785529
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 7:22 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

CMB,

So the question now is: what are you going to do about this? There’s much truth in the old adage "we teach people how to treat us" by what we tolerate. Have you thought long and hard why you are staying with this woman?

posts: 387   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8785540
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 7:31 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

She did apologize for throwing it away last night but thought there was no need for all the drama over this.

I'm curious: Does she have this attitude about the A in general?

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1335   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8785544
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 7:37 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Your tagline says, "Attempting recovery Me 90% Her 10%"

You had a long thread in February where you talked about her doing nothing for two years, nothing. Then you said you finally felt able to lose the M to save yourself.

Then she did THIS! I call bullshit on every minimized, cold, contrived justification she gave you for invading your personal space and taking your support system away! After reading your February thread again, I am convinced that she literally has no respect for you.

Honestly, I hate to say this to you because I know it hurts to hear, but she knows she can do whatever she wants in this M (no IC, no reading books, no owning anything, no discussions, no empathy) and she knows you will not leave her. She knows it. She cries and feels sorry for herself when you threaten to leave because she feels bad for herself and the "unfairness" of it all, but she changes nothing. You said this over and over in February--she changes nothing.

My M was the same way, and then I went through with the separation. I was done being ignored and invisible. And over the course of the following 12 months, he finally started doing what he should have been doing all along. He convinced me to reconcile with his actions because I was done, done, done.

I read a million posts here, and yours stand out because of how often and how passionately you express your love for your WW. Under normal circumstances I might say, "Good for you two," but I find it concerning here on SI. I find it to be a red flag for powerlessness, codependency, toxic need, rose colored glasses, and an inability to see one's relationship clearly. I see you as someone likely to overlook all the ways you have made yourself smaller in this M, someone who does his own minimizing of his WW's selfish or callous actions--especially prior to the cheating. When we do that, when we tie our entire selves to someone and act like we're so lucky to have them (rather than seeing BOTH people as lucky), we send signals that the other person has value and we don't. We elevate them so high on that pedestal that they look down on us. Worshipping someone doesn't develop gratitude or appreciation; it develops a belief that they SHOULD be worshipped. Yikes. Not a healthy, balanced M.

I could be wrong about any or all of this, it's just what I sense from your posts. I guess I am wondering why--after February's long thread and revelations--this journal tossing is not the time to stand up for yourself by officially separating??? It's time to protect yourself, my friend. She is continuing to abuse you. You've said so many times.

I think you need to show her that you value yourself and your boundaries. Selfish people only believe actions. What action will you take to show her that you do indeed value yourself?

Best wishes. I'm sorry. The worst day of my life was the day I decided I needed to leave the M. But every day after that one got better.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5886   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8785545
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:32 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

^^THIS ^^

Our field of dreams,engulfed in fire..and I'll still see it,till the day I die..

posts: 6776   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8785558
Topic is Sleeping.
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