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Newest Member: PeanutButterPixels

Reconciliation :
New revelation

Topic is Sleeping.
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:44 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

She literally threw a book of your feelings in the garbage. If that’s not a clear signal about how little she cares about you, I don’t know what is.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1931   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8785561
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:31 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Spot on post OIN. OP - you need to read that post a few times.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8785584
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 3:23 AM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

To prevent things like these from happening is why I always advice on telling the children the truth in an age appropriate way:"Mommy had/has a boyfriend and his name is "POSOM" that's why we're going through a difficult situation". If I was in your shoes I would sit your children down and tell them the truth, I wouldn't stop there and inform at least both sets of parents if alive and close relatives, and let her deal with the aftermath and all the explanation of her huge betrayal on the entire family, If she asks why you told them, simply reply because I value honesty they deserve the truth, that you also needed their support, then let the chips fall where they may.

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8785603
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 5:34 PM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2023

Bluer than Blue wrote,

She literally threw a book of your feelings in the garbage.

Very insightful observation.

Copingmybest did You ask her if she read anything in your journal before throwing it away?

Ask her if she feels ok about going to the landfill to make an effort to recover it?

You need to tell your children now, don't threaten or warn your WW, she will try to game you.

The kids need to know who OM is and what he did to their family.

[This message edited by survrus at 5:36 PM, Wednesday, April 5th]

posts: 1464   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8785810
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becomingaware ( new member #78672) posted at 1:58 AM on Thursday, April 6th, 2023

CMB,

This is horrific. She's abusing you, plain and simple.

You’ve gotten some great advice. OwningItNow’s post is very wise. BluerThanBlue’s insight is stunning: this was a book of your feelings. And Chaos is dead on target: a journal is more than a book; this was your healing device. To top it off, your wife threw out your own highlighted copy of ‘How to help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair’.

Don’t underestimate this. This is more than disrespect. Your wife stole and destroyed your property. And these were not just random items. What did she go after? A repository of your feelings. A device you were using to help you heal. And a guide for her, so she could better help you heal from the trauma she's already caused you. She physically took these things from you and destroyed them.

Your reactions are not over the top. Not even close.

I’ll repeat, she is abusing you. Please stand up for yourself and get out of this situation.

Sending you strength, brother.

[This message edited by becomingaware at 2:00 AM, Thursday, April 6th]

posts: 6   ·   registered: Apr. 19th, 2021
id 8785869
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 Copingmybest (original poster member #78962) posted at 2:32 PM on Wednesday, April 12th, 2023

Update: we had a couple very serious talks. She finally opened up to things she was feeling and things that bothered her that I didn’t know. She agreed to begin reading articles and books on recovery. Yesterday she told me she had read half way through "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". She admitted that she hadn’t been doing nearly enough. That for the last two years she had been behaving very selfishly. She told me after why she has read so far, she absolutely can’t believe that I have stuck with her for this long. She said she can’t even imagine what I had been going through for the last two years. She is going to commit herself to being a better person and for the first time in 2 years I feel more "at peace" than ever. We aren’t out of the woods yet, and I’m not going to assume that this behavior will continue, but in my heart I feel like she has finally turned a corner.
Thanks to all for instilling in me the courage to stand up for myself.

posts: 219   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8786620
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 1:43 PM on Friday, April 14th, 2023

Congratulations on standing up for yourself. I hope this new awareness in her leads to actual change and effort that helps you. Hold her accountable, get what you need both from her and from other sources in your life.

[This message edited by Trdd at 3:23 PM, Friday, April 14th]

posts: 955   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8786838
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 5:25 PM on Friday, April 14th, 2023

Great update Copingmybest,

I hope you keep having those hard conversations. I hope you keep her feet to her fire. That is the way to true intimacy. Fulsome, honest R benefits you BOTH. No one WANTS to be stuck in a marriage of convenience.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2083   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8786959
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 10:37 PM on Tuesday, April 18th, 2023

I am never surprised by wayward behavior. That being said, I think this is one of those things were the further I get from the end of the A (in my case d-day 3) the BIGGER a violation your WS's actions would be to me. I agree that it is not just a child-protection move - it was a self-protection move (as in your WS is protecting herself).

I would be mad livid if my WH threw away my journal, or anything else personal of mine. I think even in the heat of his A, at the worst of his treatment of me, amidst all of the lies and nonsense of false-R, throwing away my journal would be beyond the pale for him (in fact I'm guessing he would never have touched it for fear he would accidentally see something I wrote and have to - heaven forbid - feel badly about his actions).

I'm SO sorry that happened to you. And to the extent it still bothers you, feel free to revisit the issue with this in mind: I need you to know that your throwing away my personal private thoughts is really bothering me even though we talked about it. There is little more personal to me than that - so to say I am making "too big a deal" about it makes me feel like you place a very small value on things that are very important to me. So I guess I have to ask you why you would ever think it okay to throw away something so clearly personal to me? Why would you not ask or suggest I move it somewhere else if you are concerned about the kids finding it?

Wow - Again I am so sorry.

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2317   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8787421
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 10:03 PM on Wednesday, April 19th, 2023

She finally opened up to things she was feeling and things that bothered her that I didn’t know. She agreed to begin reading articles and books on recovery. Yesterday she told me she had read half way through "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". She admitted that she hadn’t been doing nearly enough. That for the last two years she had been behaving very selfishly. She told me after why she has read so far, she absolutely can’t believe that I have stuck with her for this long. She said she can’t even imagine what I had been going through for the last two years. She is going to commit herself to being a better person and for the first time in 2 years I feel more "at peace" than ever.

Well she did a grand old job of manipulating you again. She got you to call off the dogs for another month or so, even after such a massive violation.

*Slow clap*

Many DDays. Me (BW) 49 Him (WH) 52 Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 335   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8787577
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 10:21 PM on Wednesday, April 19th, 2023

Good for her, she's finally starting some work on herself. HOWEVER... What is she doing for YOU? To make up for the trashed journal and the contempt she showed for you and your feelings?

Again, there's so many other ways she could have expressed her feelings with the whole situation you guys are in thanks to her.
She could have done so many other things than destroy very personal, intimate items.

Aside from reading and starting to open her mind to the damage done, all good, what concrete ACTIONS is she doing, beyond the reading? Like, I can go and read all about brain surgery- doesn't mean I know how to operate on a patient.

Is she in IC yet? Is she coming to you with things that she is particularly sorry about, asking you what you would like her to do to help?

Actions are going to be key for this. It's good she seems to have "woken up" a bit to your suffering. To really show you (instead of tell you) she's changing, she needs to find an IC or counselor of some sort and stick to it on her own.

Perhaps ask her what she is willing to DO to SHOW you her commitment to you and to the M going forward. See if she can think of anything. If she can't, it's not unusual- I was so selfish during the years leading up to and during my A that I didn't know how to do anything that wasn't selfish. Give her some pointers, some ideas that you would like. See if she pursues them.

I hope she's really wanting to change. It took a while before I was finally so sick of myself that I knew I had to change or die. Maybe she's finally there. If she's just blowing smoke up your ass, you'll see- actions, not words.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1178   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8787581
Topic is Sleeping.
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