SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I'm here because my H had an A with his friends wife and he tried to have an A with my best friend.
But I recently found something that might indicate he may have had an A with a different friends wife.
I downloaded all his Facebook activity the other day and on Facebook you can "poke" people. Some people say it means just saying HI and most people say it's to show interest without sending an actual message.
He poked his other friends wife 2 year before dday.
And the reason I'm having a hard time with it is because my H poked 3 woman since he had Facebook...he poked his ex girlfriend before we started dating and he poked ME while we were dating. And now he poked his friends wife.
When I confronted him about it, he said he don't remember doing that and he was probably just saying hi.
I have a really hard time believing that. I don't believe it at all and every time I ask him about it, it's the same answer.
What is everyone's opinion on this situation?

It seems like you are married to a person who is not committed to you.
Please understand this is all on him. He was going to cheat on anyone he married.
He sounds like a predator. What did your friend tell you. I hope it was to tell him to get lost.
Do you honestly want to stay with someone like this? He is obviously not going to change. He has no reason to because he does not pay any price for his behavior.
Please look after your health. You are having to police his behavior and that is very stressful.
I hope you are getting enough sleep, nourishment and help with anxiety.

I remember the "poke" feature on FB, but I thought it went away closer to 10 years ago. Didn't know it still existed that recently.

I can also remember the "poke wars" that people would try to start just to have fun with one another. And, oftentimes, the poke was simply just to say "Hi, I see you on FB at the moment."
If my wife (who is the WS) would go back through my FB activity and ask about specific pokes or likes from 3 weeks ago (let alone several years ago), I honestly couldn't tell you what was going on at that point that would have cause me to like (or poke) at all.

None of that is to excuse your WH's behavior with the A. But at times, we connect dots that aren't even in the same picture. I would encourage you to take a step back to see if this is possibly the case here. I haven't read your entire situation, but I do know that our WSs conveniently "don't remember" things that our gut says "oh, I know you do" about.

All this to say, I'd encourage you to consider whether this really could be nothing (except possibly pain shopping...been there, done that) or if it's truly something that needs exploring deeper with him.

That’s the problem with being a cheater. Even the stuff that wasn’t affair related gets put into the context of "cheating".

I’m sorry you are struggling.

Ok, so he only poked potential romantic partners in the past? Then you have your answer.

The other thing is that he seems to be attracted to pursuing people inside his social circle. More danger? More drama? More excitement in a double betrayal?

One of your biggest hang ups (repeated threads over time) is the fact that he intentionally socialized with your neighbor and her BH while the two of them were having an A. It bothers you that he didn't seem to feel guilt while spending time with the BH, so much so that he seems to have been extra drawn to the "wrongness and danger" instead of avoidant. Or maybe he is even drawn to the power of humiliating someone while hurting them. Exactly! He seems to prefer double betrayals! He seems attracted to the added backstabbing so pursues those closest to you or him.

Based on his patterns, he was pursuing this friend's wife by poking her. Of course.

The thing is, you have given no indication that you will ever D him. You've indicated that you cannot live without him. Because of this, he has done zero work to become a better partner (if memory serves). I guess you are hoping that berating him, questioning him, and watching him for the rest of your life are the solution to his brokenness? I am exhausted for you.

And now the no sex thing.

I see a lifetime of stress and anxiety for you unless you get some IC to deal with the extremely toxic feeling of wanting and needing someone who repeatedly hurts you. This is a terrible position for any human being to stay in. It is an overwhelm of hopelessness and desperation, an almost crazy-making existence. You need a professional to help you navigate these feelings and figure out how to cope.

Why does he still have FB or any social media? What is your plan to feel better in this M?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:18 AM, Saturday, June 3rd]

Ick. That "poke" feature.

I remember ny friends,and I, talking about it. Whether it came from a random,or someone we knew, it was creepy. None of us thought it was funny,sexy,or exciting. We all knew what it meant. Most women do. It was creepy and gross.

I'd say it was a form of fishing. I'm sure it made her uncomfortable.

Your husband has no respect for you,or his friends. He has zero boundaries. And,IIRC,he's not remorseful.

Save yourself.

Owningitnow,

I never said I couldn't live without him. I stay for a few reasons. The biggest is fear. And the second is not disrupting my kids lives. I honestly don't think I will be able to take much more of this. I'm growing stronger by the day. You are right, he hasn't done much work. I have begged him, threatened him and still he doesn't so what I ask of him. He says it's because hes procrastinating most of the time but after 3 years, I'm realizing it's because he doesn't want to do the work. I do want to say he does this in all aspects of life. He waits til the last minute to do anything usually. But that's not an excuse. I've even said it bluntly to him that if he doesn't do the work, our relationship will not survive. He swears the lack of work isn't because he doesn't love me, its because he has issues....( yeah clearly). I told him friend about the poke but he didn't seem to think it was a big deal. And he does still have a Facebook but he doesn't go on it often.
I am seeing a counselor now too.
I think I'm just having a hard time accepting the man he is compared to the man I thought I was with. It's so hard when you thought u had a man like no other then to find out you have one of the worst men I've ever met. It's all just so damn HARD!!!!

Message me if you would like. I would love to hear what else you have to say.

Please don't stay for the sake of the kids. My adult kids told me I should have D their dad a long time before I did.

In the D/S forum, there's a fear vs. reality thread at the top of the forum where members address their specific fears and what the reality turned out to be.

My sister and I tell our mom often that she should have divorced long before she did. We don't blame her not one bit, she did the best that she could.

Living in that hell (they thought it was hidden but it wasn't) was far worse than living with a single parent who was finally happy and free.

Wow he not only cheats but also selects women in the families social support network, a skunk which puts on a family friend costume.

Sorry you can keep him only if he is neutered.