SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A Very long read.

Sorry for writing so much, i never knew this was such a great therapy for me...
Maybe i should write a book.

A story about how i kept loving a pathological liar regardless,

and how i wanted to fix her mistakes, but i broke her instead, and now she is not herself anymore.

I am very confused.

Here is some quick info before i start:

10 year relationship

She 28 - Me 34

She Cheated on me first once, then twice and never told me.

She lied about where she was going.

It wasnt just a "quick cheat" she slept over, and trust me i got details which broke my heart.

She is not attracted to the one she cheated with anymore, and are left very emotionally detatched, frustrated and very cold.

Right now:

I feel horrible, i dont understand what is going on with her.

I was thinking of forgiving her, but now she suddenly is unsure.

I was thinking: "is she still interested in that guy"?

But she made very clear to me, he is completly deleted now.

She has never been this honest before, i get answers on absolutely EVERYTHING i ask, even

the most disturbing details about those nights she slept with him.

She has become an open book, finally..

She speaks her feelings like never before, and we finally TALKS together, for very long durations.

But she has changed, alot.

I asked her: Where are you? where are the person i remembers, whats happening to you.

Its all just a huge confusion.

***

Lets go back a few days in time, just after i found out she cheated,

I asked my boss what to do, cause he saw i was troubled.

What my Boss Told me:

He asked: is she leaving? I said no, she wanna stay.

He then said: good, just forgive her, i been through this my entire life, and my biggest regret in my life was leaving my first long term girlfriend. Because all other girlfriends i had over the next 30 years was utter batshit, and i was never able to find someone to trust again, if i have forgiven her and moved on we probably would have been together very long.

He continiues: Because other women was simply 10 times worse. The first one i had was actually great, i just freaked out and left. He proceeds to say "most of people cheats anyways" If you been with her for 10 years, just forgive her man, you could end up much worse like me. Every woman i tried since, cheated just after a few months, and then just left me for another guy immediately afterwards. If shes good, keep her.

He again proceeds to explain: Women sometimes get in touch with guys, these guys promising them paradise, saying the right words, and sometimes women just get tricked into it, soon realising the grass wasnt really greener on the other side.

Well this was my case, without giving my boss any details, he just described my situation entirely.

***

In the car back home after she cheated:

Yes thats what she said right after i found out she cheated.

She wanted to stay 100%.

She would do ANYTHING,

BUT, she wasnt begging me, at all.

She actually said: "if you leave me, its okay, i understand it, and i deserve it"

I answered her: "Yes, im so broken and pissed off at you now, i would literally do revenge if i got the oppurtunity"

She replies: "i would even call my friend to come sleep with you right now, just to make it good"

even though i didnt mean what i said, this actually broke me even more, why would she actually do that? is she willing to it?

Or is she careless about me?

I kept asking "Why, Why, Why"

She kept replying: "i dont know... i'm sorry"

But she didnt seem sad..

She seemed, apathetic.

But in the silence, she said: "ask me anything, i will be 100% truthful, anything you wanna know, the deepest details"

And i started asking, questions i really didnt need to know right there.

Without going into details, know my self worth and confidence absolutely plummeted..

Yes he was extremely well equipped, so well equipped, she considered it "rare" or very abnormal",

So well equipped that he needed tons of oil, just to do it.

And she enjoyed it so much they did what they did for hours and hours over night,

Yes all the details, oral, and whatever.

I am now in my darkest hole i've ever been.

I said: "So that is why you went there?"

She replied: "oh no absolutely not, not at all, i just had this strong attraction towards him and wanted to see what it was"

She keeps saying: "even if he was badly equipped, i would still go, dont take this wrong"

But my mind was twisting, i couldnt stop killing myself inside.

10 years, who was we?

Our relationship was pretty much normal.

We were extremely attached to each other, and both of us were the "jelaous" types.

I didnt like when she went out drinking without me,

And she didnt like if i talked "nicely" (normally) to any other girl, that even be the cashier at the stores or supermarkeds.

She even call me if i wasnt home after work on time, just to check.

I was completly fine with this as for ME, this just showed me how scared she was to lose me.

She even used to say, that her worst nightmare was if i ever left her.

Her attachment to me, was so strong, that we literally did everything together.

My friends moved away, my family split, old childhood friends got a family.

Now 100% of my time was with her.

Every place i go, every thing i did, she was there with me.

We shared every experience together, she was my soulmate, my best friend, and my dearest.

She was half my hearth.

I wouldnt do things that made her unconfortable, because if she was, then i was too.

We experienced good times and bad times.

It was a blast.

Most of the times.

Lies aside..

She lied about money for 8 years

So this is where I think it begins.

She Kept lying about economic things, her salaries suddenly disappeared, very often for years.

I was left to pay for things myself.

The car she rented, was put in my name,

The loan she was supposed to pay for, wasnt paid.

This is a very long story, so i will actually not go into details now.

There is so much to this, and its sooo deep, it will take forever to explain.

So in the end, she kept lying about where money went.

She lied about having paid things she havent paid (mostly things in my name)

So i trusted her.

But nothing were paid.

I got in deep trouble, and her lies kept going on.

Some years into the relationship i started realizing, she didnt have any money.

She wasted it all on shit, and left me to pay the rent and bills.

I suspected this all the time but just played along.

Sometimes i got her to help, and she willingly helped.

Other times she didnt have money for 3 months or more, but i knew she ordered expensive clothes, and lied to me them being very cheap.

She kept lying about money, and my debt and troubles became so big, i eventually snapped.

She reacted aggressively back, and refused to have lied.

I kept blaming her, because i knew.

But she kept playing her game.

I knew, i lived with a girlfriend that lied to me about this, she put me in trouble, and didnt even feel bad for it.

I lost my job in the end, and now you can go figure how bad it really went....

3 Months ago (again) I finally found proof

My endless hunt for evidence, so i finally could get her stop lying so "we" could break free, from her pathological lies, and finally just have that partnership that always was there, but was interupted by her lies.

I knew she would feel good when everything come to the table.

I knew she had to carry this weight, and that she was too afraid to ADMIT.

Because she was sooo scared i would leave her.

So she kept building on the lies, hoping i would never find out.

But,

Evidence was finally found, after years of searching.

I took the step, big step, to check her old phones.

Yes she had around 5 discarded phones from the past 10 years we were together.

I'm not that kind of person, but now its gone too far, i just had to.

On her phone, i found:

-Tons and Tons of SMS on payments she had on stupid stuff she bought and didnt pay for.

-Her desperate tried to contact banks, to get a loan to help me make things good.

-Her salaries disappearing because she owed so much money for shit she never paid for.

-Low salaries, which she told me was big.

She was basically in the same position as me.

Now i saw why she never had money, she just cant handle economics, and she lied about it and caused me troubles aswell, because i trusted her 100%, and she didnt want me to find out.

Yes she even tried to contact banks, just to help me out, but all requests were refused because of her already economic state.

OOoh all the lies.

When i saw this, i didnt get suprised.

I kinda knew all along, but i was very broken to realize she really was willing to make up all the lies just to cause me more trouble.

I was not just broken, i was angry.

Not because i found the truth, but because i had evidence, my best friend, lover, and soulmate would to to extreme lenghts with lies.

DOOMSDAY

3 Months ago - I Ignored her for 2 weeks straight

I didnt tell her yet.

I was furious.

LIAR, troublemaker!

It's all YOUR FAULT!

My salaries are halved because im forced to pay huge payments on loans that trippled in size over the years.

I'm now an economic slave for the next 3 years before i am settled.

I ignored her.

Every day

every night.

She went to bed, saying good night,

I replied: "Good night"

She proceeded: "love you"

but i was silent.. no response from me.

In my head i was furious!

I had sex with her max once a week.

I was also rude and distant from her.

it took these two weeks of ignoring from me, until she came in the middle of the night to the livingroom,

Where i was sitting on my computer and playing games.

She came, crying and asked if i just could say what was going on...

I couldnt keep it a seceret anymore...

And presented her all her phones.

I said: "See, i fixed all your old phones, i got them a brand new screen, because the old screens were broken,

So now i could finally turn them on, and i found something"

She shockingly replied: "Ok? What?"

I Said: "you lied to me since the day we met, you caused me severe issues and the lies never stopped, money, rich relatives that didnt exist, savings you never had, and severe economic troubles on your own side aswell, so you never get your salaries at full"

She: "bursted out in tears, give me the phones"

She cries for a while, and i can see she is thinking,

And she says: "not everything was a lie, i promise, you have missunderstood, many things were true"

I replied to her: "no, most of them were lies, actually i realize now, so many other things were lies too"

She doesnt really talk about the topic, or seemingly tried to avoid it completly, bu she seem to have accepted it.

She is very shocked, and she is crying her eyes out.

i tell her: "now, i request from you to "man up" and get your shit right, from now on, you pay a fixed sum monthly on my payments, so that you get me out of the trouble you put me in!"

She agrees completly, and says she will trustfully make up for any damage she caused me, and that she was going to show me 100% that she is not playing around anymore.

But she asks:

"When im finished doing my part.... will you leave me?"

I was silent..........

I was furious......

I said: "Yes, i might aswell do so, you cant anything but cause trouble and lie to me"

She bursted into full on tears again.

And she said: "you gonna leave me after i paid up?"

I felt a bit bad but,

i replied: "i dont know, maybe.. i am furious, but show me that you are capable of functioning properly, and i might change my mind"

She ran to the bed, i could hear she absolutely lost it.

I Thought i fixed everything

I wasnt going to leave her.

I just wanted to scare her.

I thought i gave her something to think about,

that this would be her awakening, and finally help paying stuff, so we dont end up without electricity again, or lose our apartment, as we did.

a million weights was off my shoulders.

I felt like, if she could start functioning economically now, this would be perfect.

I also felt like i helped her out of her neverending pathological circle of lies.

From now on, everything was on the table...

I could open myself, and feel more secure.

I knew she wasnt going to throw a lie anytime soon.

But boy was i wrong.

The Weeks after

Suprisingly normal.

She acted differently, but i could see she somehow "grew up" over night.

She did her first payment like nothing was wrong.

I was proud i finally got her to wake up.

I kept asking her to keep her promise, and

She replied: "Of course i will, i gonna show you"

I felt more in love than ever before.

My feelings grew to a new milestone.

We had more sex than ever before, and it was much better than ever before.

Something was just RIGHT now..

everything seemed normal, she was acting normal, she was paying, and she was careful on spending her money.

She seemed a bit tired these days, but she still smiled and still was the same person.

We did our usual things, going on hikes, eating out, and days were good (from my perspective)

Huge weights were taken off us, and i felt more in love than ever.

Felt like i finally could open up, as i knew i could count on her.

Payments kept comming in, and she kept her promise.

I was still worried she would break it, as she uses to do,

but no.... She keep doing it.

Her mental breakdown?

I Noticed she didnt eat as much anymore.

I made food as i always do, but she never finished.

i was a bit worried that i spent money on fine food, and it went into the trash.

I kept asking her why she barely eats,

But she said she got full so quickly.

She still smiling and seemingly the same.

Nothing seems wrong at all.

She being truthfull and helpfull on the economic part.

This kept going on for a month or two.

She came home from work one day, looking so happy..

She says: "My collegues says i have lost weight"

I replied: "Maybe, i dont know, i see you everyday but maybe you have"

She answers: "i got a workout programme im considering starting so i can get fit and looking good"

I was positive on that and said lets see.

A month later, things started becoming a bit weird.

She suddenly got more secretive with her phone, having her screen out of my view.

And she protected it like her life depended on it.

I didnt really care at first, but later i realized she spent more time on her phone, than with me or anything else.

She still seemed happy, we still did things together.

But somehow she seemed a bit more irritated by me than usual.

I got very upset over this as weeks went by, and it started irritating me, that she was irritated by me.

So i asked: "Why are you constantly on your phone?"

She replied: "im just chatting in the snapchat group with my collegues"

I was fine with that, but i just noticed she wasnt "here" as much anymore, she was gone in her phone.

Time went by, she kept losing weight, and keept looking herself in the mirror, trying clothes and asking me if she looked good.

I didnt notice anything "SPECIAL" BUT i was a bit suspicious of her sudden activity and obsession with her phone.

Her EX added her on snapchat

One day she told me: "look here, my ex added me, thats weird, i havent heard anything from him in 10 years"

I was like: "damn, are you snapping?"

She replied: "yes but just normal snaps, like i wish him a happy weekend etc"

I must say i was a slightly bit bothered at first, but then i trusted her so i didnt make any deal of it.

Until one day,

I noticed her EX had a RED Heart on snapchat which means they both are snapping each others the most on their friendslist.

Now i got real worried and i started getting a habbit of asking her over and over what they are snapping.

She now grows more irritated by me, and keep saying its just normal snaps.

She lost almost 10Kg in 3 months

She is so proud of herself.

She lost so much weight, and i can see how much she likes herself.

I'm happy and exited for her, and i invite her out to eat which she happily wants to.

She spend most of her time on her phone.

But she keeps acting normal like always.

Nothing is wrong here, as i can see.

She lost weight, shes happy, and she is extremely sexually attracted to me.

All GREEN FLAGS RIGHT?

3 months since "DOOMSDAY" She wants to go sleepovers to collegues

"Doomsday" i call it that.

The day i exposed her and told her i might leave her over what she did.

I was unconfortable with this.

WHY, do you need to SLEEP there?

Like whats the point?

She replied: I just wanna take a glass of wine, eat some good food and spend some time with my collegues.

I said: Sure, but, why cant i come pick you up?

She says: Because my collegue asked me to babysit her daughter the next morning.

Considering the signs i've been getting lately with her ex on snapchat, this made me unconfortable.

I was thinking for my self, if i should try to fight her over it, or if that would be a bad idea.

I felt trust issues for the first time in months, and i got really unconfortable.

But i said, alright.

Have fun.

She acted weird the day before, and somewhat tried to "include" me into everything about her preparations beforehand this sleepover.

She kept saying: "Remind me that i put my knitting stuff in my backpack so i dont forget, we gonna knit tomorrow."

"remind me this"

"remind me that"

I was aware of her strategies years ago, and i smelled some bullshit here.

Why was she so obsessed with me being engaged in the fact she was going away?

To fortify the lie that she was going to a girlfriend.

Yes it was a lie, but i didnt know

She texted me that evening,

They had a blast she said.

Drank wine, ate food.

SHe told me nice things...

she write: "My collegue has a nice house, we should get a nice house together in the future"

She speaks about future.. that made me happy.

I told her to have a nice evening.

But i felt this grudge over me.

Something wasnt right.

Then i remembered i had forgot to turn my sleep tracker on.

I use a sleep tracker that records snoring and talking at night.

It was still running, so i went over to check if she actually went to her friend after work or not.

And what i found, stressed my ass off.

She actually was home after work, and then i heard a car pick her up.

I immediately texted her, and said i found out she didnt go straight to her friend after work, that i found out she actually came home, and stayed home for a few hours before being picked up.

She told me she forgot her knitting so she had to come home first.

Now i know she didnt forget her knitting, because i told her in the morning to take it with her.

My First Breakdown

The day after, she come home. She hadnt slept.

I could see her nodding off, not being herself.

She had headaches and couldnt walk normally.

Her mental state was completly different than ever.

My love for her reached a new milestone the past three months, and she seemed so off.

I kept asking her about the sleepover, and she was all "normal" about it.

She said she didnt sleep much.

I lie down in bed with her, and starts talking.

I tell her, about that house she mentioned, that we should get in the future.

She seems so passive now.

And she suddenly says:

"im not really sure what i want in the future"

She continiues: "actually im not really sure what i want"

I'm looking confused at her

and i reply: "what do you mean?"

She says: "i have started a new life now, i want to go out party with my collegues, you make a prison for me"

Shocked, i replied: "what? you were never the type to party before, what happened?"

She replies: "no, i just wanna live life and have fun, i enjoy my collegues"

I answer: "yeah sure, but am i not included or what?"

She then replies: "i dont really mind what you do, you should go out party too, its good for you"

I was flabbergasted... and completly in shock.

Are you serious???

She was never like that.

She was always over protective and the last thing she wanted was to let go of me and send me out on a drunk out full on party alone.

I had to ask her: " Are you serious? so you dont really mind do you? thats not what you usually are"

She replies: "ye im serious, go out, meet people, meet girls"

Then she looks at me with a smirk on her face..

and says: "you should move into that house over there, then we could meet some times for sex"

I answered: "are you freaking serious? what the heck, you are joking right?

She replies again: "nooo i am not joking, or ok, a little bit, but im not sure what i want in life anymore. i wanna try something new"

This is when i realized, she wasnt joking.

She was 100% serious.

What have happened.

We kept chatting, and the more we chatted, the more broken i became.

The Week of pain

I asked again the day after: "were you serious yesterday?"

She replied: "Yes 100%, go out meet people, i dont know what i want in life, i am very unsure now, all i want is to just be happy, and right now i am very happy"

I said to her: "But you have been happy all the time? at least what i could see"

She replied again: "No, not been happy at all, not inside. Just on the outside. Its what you said to me 3 months ago"

Silence....

Silence...

Silence...

BOOM and it hit me!

I couldnt breathe.

What have i done.

Everyday this week, i was tearful and broken.

I spent every single day to talk with her about how i really didnt mean it like that, and how i just wanted to "wake her up" from her lies and get her serious about money.

I spent this week being the absolute best version i could possibly be of myself.

I bought her flowers and other stuff.

She seemed happy, but she seemed a bit Apathetic.

For the first time, in 10 YEARS, we actually speak together, deep, long conversations.

Meaningful conversations.

Finally...

But, she is so, weird.

Is this really true..?

What i said, did something to her.

I needed to catch my breath and calm down, and

I asked her: "what has happened?"

She finally reveals: "I have been very depressed for the past 3 months, deeply deeply, i had problems at work, because i couldnt function, i cried at night when you were asleep, its been horrible"

She continiues: "But its okay now, i come over you, i finally happy"

I'm empty, and speechless, and absolutely destroyed.

My heart is beating so hard i feel like im dying.

She literally went through all stages of Grief!

Without me seeing it?

I asked her: "you been hiding it from me?"

She replies: "yes i always hide stuff like that"

I say: "how could i know, i thought our relationship was better than ever"

She continiues: "well how could i know, i was prepared for you to leave any moment, i just wanted to pain and fear to end, so i turned a switch in my brain so i wouldnt be so shocked, but its fine, im over you now"

I explained to her, how everything was a misunderstanding, and how i would have told her if she showed me any signs she was taking it literally.

Her second Sleepover

Its been a tough week for me.

I literally lost my girlfriend, she moved on "inside her head" while physically being with me, doing the normal things.

But her head, is just different.

She obviously didnt care much for me the past weeks, but i never noticed, because she kept acting normal.

She wanted a sleepover again (10 days after the first)

She wanted to sleep at a different collegue, she said they were to meet there at a girls night and eat and drink alittle and have fun.

In my state, i just said yes.

Of course, have fun.

I was heartbroken, and had trust issues about her sleepover at the same time.

Anyways, in a zombie state, i just drove her to a friend.

She told me she would be picked up there, by her collegue.

Later that night she sent me some snaps, saying i was so sexy, and that she appreciated me so much.

She promised to keep in touch with me as i explained to her beforehand i had Trust issues about her ex, and that in my state now, i was extremely vurnerable.

She sent a few snaps, but then it went silent.

I was silent for an hour, so it stressed me a bit, i just wanted to check on her, so i sent her a message asking her if they had fun.

But no answer.

2 hours went by, and i started to get really stressed.

WHY wouldnt she answer if she was just sitting in a sofa, drinking wine and watching television with friends?

For 2 hours?

No something was wrong.

I absolutely freaked out.

My Worst Nightmare

I jumped in my car, time was 02:00 midnight, she still didnt reply since 3 hours ago.

I knew she wasnt sleeping.

I drove for 45 mins, to the friend she was supposed to be at, just to pass by and check if there was any life in that house.

When i passed the house, all lights were out....

No one was home.

I started suspecting maybe they went out, but found out that all night clubs were closed.

I was driving around in circles for 1 hour, just brainstorming and thinking...

Where is she, why isnt she where she told me.

I drove home, i was nervous, i was shaking, i lost control.

I'm not myself now. My adrenaline is pumping and my eyes are WIDE open.

SHE LIED...

She wasnt there...

I dont know where she is.

Back home, i walk back and forth, im so stressed that id probably get a heart attack.

THEN, an IDEA struck me! Like a lightning from clear skies.

I opened her laptop, and googled "Find my Phone"

I hope she has her GPS on.

Low and behold, her position is revealed.

She's at her EX's House...

I can not describe, what i feelt that moment.

There is not a word in the dictionary which possibly can describe.

I lost control, i'm not myself, i am shaking so hard, and my adrenaline is so powerful.

ALL FEARS are gone.

I fear NOTHING!

I jump in the car and drive straight towards her EX house.

Its a 30 min drive.

I was ready to die.

I planned to go right in, even though i never met the guy before.

I planned to dont give a single FU**.

If door was closed, i was ready to do anything to get that door opened.

I lost control, i wasnt myself.

I was so hurt, that i was an empty shell on autopilot.

But something saved me from doing anything stupid.

I got saved...

Halfway there, not there quite yet,

SHE FINALLY CALLS ME BACK.

She cheated on me

I pick up the phone, and answers in a voice, i never heard before.

My voice had changed. I'm not myself, what have happened to me.

I shakenly answers the phone

And i say: "I know where you are, i am there in 5 minutes to pick you up"

She replies: "What are you talking about, everyone is sleeping"

I replies: "Dont play games with me, i am no immune to them, get ready!"

She tries again: "But everyone is sleeping, we sleep"

I answer: "no you dont, i know where you are, stop playing stupid games, dress up, because i'm comming NOW"

She silently answers: "ok"

I drive the last 5 minutes, and finally i see her, my love, is walking towards me..

Freshly fuc*** by another man.

She opens the door, and gets in...

My first word is: "why...."

her first word was: "its not like you think, he just went down on me and i went down on him and thats it"

me: "i'm immune to bullshit now, please stop, its not working"

Suddenly...

She says: "okay we did it"

She continiues: "Ask me anything you want i will not hide anything for you anymore."

She again: "i've been here two times, i promise not any more than that, both sleepovers was here, not at my collegues"

I answer: "i know, i knew deep inside, but only two times? you slept there, thats two entire evenings and entire nights behind my back"

She: "i know, i KNOW, but im feeling so weird now"

Me: "Why?"

She: "Because i drink so much and then he gave me some weed or something, i've been so weird all night"

Her Story

The first time she went to him, was because she had an attraction to him that she wanted to explore.

She said she was depressed and thought i was going anytime soon,

He said nice things and made her feel greater than ever.

She gave him mixed signals, and flirted back with him.

She explained how she didnt feel any regret the first time and enjoyed every minute of that night.

She didnt even have a single thought of me while at his place.

She had forgotten me, on purpose, and she had no regrets.

She just wanted to explore the thing between them.

Yes they chatted on snapchat for 2 months, but the last month, it got very personal.

The last month he got so interesting, she couldnt resist anymore.

She was prepared for me to go anyways, and she had started her process on her new life.

The second time, was a bit different, after we spoke that week, and she realized that i actually intended to stay, things changed a bit.

She still went to him, still cheated, but this time, she didnt feel the same attraction.

She even told him, she wasnt really interesed considering the situation at home.

However, when she got drunk, she cheated anyways.

So back to today

She has not contact with her ex.

It happened a week ago.

But she says there is nothing there for her.

She keep telling me shes sorry..

But she still not sure what she wants in life.

Even though she said she was willing to do anything to make it work.

Today she seem to have changed her mind a bit.

*I actually want to forgive her*

If i can make sure, the reason she did this, was because i hurt her 3 months ago, and sent her through a 3 month long deep depression....

But im not sure, whats really going on.

Her head is a mess right now.

She is all over the place emotionally, and she dont even understand whats happening.

She keep saying things like:

-I'm not my self anymore

-I dont know whats happening to me

-I'm confused about the fact im not myself

-I wouldnt care if you took revenge on me right now

-Do revenge, find a girl, i dont mind.

-Im not feeling anything

-My feelings doesnt exist anymore

-I'm Empty

-I want you

-I dont know if i want you

-If you left me now, i wouldnt care

-I love you

-Im scared about the future

-You will never trust me again, its not good future.

-You will never let me out to see friends again.

-I will have a horrible life with you.

-I just wont be happy with you after what i did to you

-I just want a happy life.

-I really love you, i wont go anywhere, dont be afraid.

Do you see how mixed signals she sends?

I'm literally about to forgive her, and she keep changing perspective, every day.

I am so confused.

Thanks for reading.

END
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Aditional Information:

So i decided to add some aditional information, if you fancy reading more.

Why did she cheat?

Yes the question i keep asking.
Why.

And she dont really know, she dont really understands it seems, but at the same time,
Shes very focused on the part where i said i would leave her.

She said she felt like shit, and in her head "i left her".
She thought i be leaving anytime soon.

She was depressed for 2-3 months.

And her EX kept making her feel great.

she explains, everytime i asked her about the payment for this month, she got reminded that i would soon leave.
That i would leave as soon as she paid up.

That she had this fear.

I know i was extreme.

I kept demonstrating for her, how upset i was.

I even took all salaries and taped them to the wall, for her to see, for her to get reminded.

All over the living room.

I was very harsh, but she deserved it.

She cheated yes.

And EVEN her EX, told her that she shouldnt lie to me about it.

Her EX asked her to tell me, but she couldnt.

Because i just opened up so much the last week, so when she came home and saw what state i was in, she couldnt.

I still cant justify it.

Was she REALLY detaching from me?

Was it really true?
Do she has some mental issues that makes it easy for her, to flick a switch, and get over me to the point she doesnt care anymore? in 3 months?
Is she Borderline?

Well i have seen this before, many times.

How she flicked a switch in her head and became ice cold:

-In the funeral at her father
-When her daughters father took the kid and moved far away (Yes ive been a stepfather for 10 years)
-When she lost her earlier jobs

I know she can do this, and i dont know HOW, or WHY.

So i know, if she says, she "got over me" and mentally set herself on the idea that i was "gone soon"
Then it is very likely its true.

She Felt like we wasnt together when she cheated

Yes she told me that.

Okay, lets pretend she did really feel like that.

How could she keep sending me signals that everything was normal?
all the time?
But inside her head, i was a "leaver" soon?

She is just a pile of confusion for me.

She acted normal, but said she was depressed:

The week after her first sleepover, when i still didnt know she cheated, but she already told me she had changed.

She: "You never gave me a ring, you never wanted to marry me in 10 years, you never wanted a baby, you werent as loving as you suddenly are now"

Me: "Well thats because i always knew you were lying about stuff, i didnt want to marry someone who wouldnt admit their lies when asked, and i wouldnt let my child grow up in a situation where the mother just lies about irrelevant shit"

Her: "i know, i'm sorry, i always wanted to tell you, but i know you would have left"

Me: "you had 8-10 years to tell me, but you chose to build upon the lies and grow them stronger instead of slowly building them down and admit"

Her: "you would have left.."

Me: "Well i planned to after i had to expose you myself"

Her: "i knew that, thats why im not being myself the past three months."

She continiues: "i've been so depressed, the dark void inside me been so big, that my collegues even asked me whats wrong, and you know me, i said all was fine, i pretended i was just tired"

Her: "i been so depressed, and i honestly find it WEIRD you havent noticed, because this time i havent hid it aswell as i usually do for you"

Me: "i dont understand, i honestly REALLY havent seen the slightest sign!"

Me again: "we went for a hillclimb, i saw your best, you were super happy, and super proud of being more fit than me, i could see your pleasure and happiness, for being with me that day for example.
you even came to me, hugged me warmly and thanked me for the trip, and said that you wanted to do this more often.
How the heck could i see that anything was wrong with you?"

Her: "i dont know, its just weird"

She changed after her first sleepover

Our situation was bad.

I didnt know she cheated, but i now knows she didnt feel the same for me anymore, seemingly because she was depressed for 3 months, and i kept pushing her and showing signs i would leave.

the week after her first sleepover, as i mentioned before, we talked like never before.

Feelings came on the table, and this was a dramatic change in my perspective of her.

I noticed she was trying so hard to apply for her driving license (yes she never had one)

She told me, in a life where i was gone, she needed a car so she could get around when she needed.

Her: "you didnt notice i changed?"

Me: "of course i noticed you changed, but i didnt notice you detatched yourself from me emotionally"

I made sure for her, that i never intended to leave.

I saw a future, where we didnt have any economic troubles anymore, where we finally could get a house and just be happy.

She been showing signs of severe improvements lately

She buys cheaper things
She pays stuff
She keep saving a bit of money instead of wasting them

This is the signs i need.

Just being a bit responsible, and she have been so.

Why i cant leave her

This is really sad to say, and it might sound like im an asshole, or that i am using her, or whatever.

But i cant leave...

I need to stay here to make sure she makes up the economic part.

I do actually need a chunk of her money in order to pay down the creditors.

In my current economic state, HALF my salary is taken away from me.

With what i have left, i cannot afford anywhere to live.

I could live in a tent....

But i have nowhere to go.

We talked about this, and she is understanding and says i can stay for as long as i need,
and that she will truthfully help me out as long as she can.

The problem is, im keep getting in love again...

Maybe i do like crazy, or maybe just the fact that she is a significant part of my life and my past.

The worst part is, that i still have around 3 years left until everything is paid down, and we're settled.

She even agreed to look for a second job, just to earn extra to help me

Thats a very healthy sign from her side....

The negative aspects aside:

I know you guys look at me as stupid for this..
But DO keep in mind, everyones situation is unique, and everyones life has been Unique.

But just take the negative aspects aside for a moment.

And realize that there is very good aspects of our love-life aswell.

She has been a "family memeber" for 10 years.

Imagine, leaving a family member thats been so close to you.

Would you push a family member away, or would you work on it?

Sure we had turbulent life, but the state im in right now, i cant see the future.

This might for sure come over time, but the economic prison at the moment doesnt give me a glimpse of the future.

The only possible future i saw, was to expose her, end the lies, and get her pay up.

Right now, thats whats happening.

All the good memories are whats going through my mind now.
Not the negative ones.

The good memories, my soulmate and my best friend ever, is whats going through my mind now.

I'm probably stupid..

She never ASKED me for money.

NEVER.

yes its true.

She never asked me for money.

But what she did, was failing to pay, lying to me its paid, so i would ignore it.
until it was gone too far.

But i never paid for her stuff, or gave her money out of my wallet.

She would never cheat

Oh boy did we talk over the years about this.

As both of us were the jelaous types as i mentioned earlier.

She would say: "i have very strict principles, i would never cheat on you or ever hurt you in such a way"

Me usually replied: "i've been loyal all the time, i would be the last to cheat, i think you actually would, wouldnt you?"

She would reply: "I would never break my principles, im too stubborn and i love you too much"

Yes thats usually how it went when the topic came up.

and i KNOW shes stubborn, oooh boy shes so stubborn she could drive you up the wall, trust me.

After she cheated, she said, she is sad she broke her principle, but she isnt herself, she feels so weird lately

I would have trust issues forever, and she knows it

She is gambling with herself.

She knows a future relationship would be turbulent.

Shes grown now, she wants freedom to enjoy life.

She knows i will look after her, or that tiny things would make me stressed.

She is already over me, so she is considering very highly to be "free" now.

She still have feelings for me

her words:

-I still have tons and tons of feelings for you
-i'll never just forget 10 years like that.
-Im still very confortable around you
-Sex is so great.
-Sex and feelings are two separate things for me. i want sex, even if you leave.
-You been my man in my life for so long.
-You are one of the most beautiful men i've ever seen, i cant resist you.
-I'm not leaving you physically, i just left you emotionally, the spark is gone...
-You can stay as long as you want, i will make sure the economics are made up for.
-But i'm seeing a new life in the future.
-I want freedom to explore
-I want to party with my collegues
-The dilemma is too great.
-i cant forgive myself for what i did.
-i understand you 100% whatever you choose, i deserve it.
-i cant get normal again, i feel weird.
-What happened, and what i did, changed me, and im very unconfortable with the entire situation.

[This message edited by Padlock at 12:10 PM, Monday, June 5th]

Early on in that long read I remembered an event from years ago: A colleague stopped by my office on his way to speak to the Sales Manager about a promotion. He had the promotion in the bag, but the Sales Manager wanted to hear his ideas about the job. About 2 hours later he came back to my office and told me he had resigned – effective immediately. I asked him what had happened, and he told me he had one requirement to work at a company: He had to believe that his bosses and managers were at least as smart as he was. Talking to the Sales Manager he realized his boss was a moron…
Sort of the feeling I get about your boss…

This woman needs A LOT of work before becoming relationship material.

I can promise you one thing: You mention your worst nightmare… well… I can mention something worse: That is discovering AGAIN in a week, or month or three years, that she’s "at a friend".

Welcome to SI and sorry you had to find us. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts at the top that you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of useful information, including the list of acronyms we use.

The advice you received from the boss wasn't very good. If he'd done work on himself, he would have learned to look for the red flags he missed, so he kept getting into toxic relationships.

If you were to read your post but pretend that you it is your friend telling you about it, what advice would you give?

Unfortunately, your WGF (wayward girlfriend) sounds like a serial cheater. Unless she really wants to change and does the internal work, she will continue with the same behavior.

You don't know it now but she has given you a gift.

The gift of freedom. The keys to the padlock.

No children, no finances together - walk away man, walk away. Stop being a wallet for this person.

It will hurt and hurt so bad but one day that will change and you will find that life is good. You will find someone that will love and cherish you because of who you are and not because of what you provide.

P.S Size does not matter, it's all in the brain.

Wow! That’s a bunch to absorb! A few thoughts here:

1. Stop blaming yourself. You had every rite to be upset. Honestly, here choices with respect to money qualify as financial infidelity.
2. You did not hold a gun to her head or force her to go visit her ex. That was her choice. She needs to own it.
3. She has some very maladaptive coping mechanisms. That is tons of IC.

Seriously! If you want to continue with her, or even entertain the idea, she needs IC. Let’s be honest, she has been feeding you a line for a long time. She needs to get to the roof of her issues and become a safe partner.

I give her full credit though for answering your questions so quickly. That is rare,

Ignore what your boss says. It seems to me your attracted to crazy. Fix that about yourself.
Give non crazy women a try. You might be pleasantly surprised. Also your not responsible for other people's actions. She can communicate with you if there is an issue. Nothing gives her the license to stray.

[This message edited by ryguywhyguy at 10:03 AM, Monday, June 5th]

You are having a relationship w/ someone who is about emotionally mature as a 12 year old.

I don’t see that changing any time soon.

I think you deserve better.

Thanks for the replies.
I added alot more info and text to the first post, if you fancy to read more...
Its very helpful to read.

Ofcourse i hope you guys understand that in my current state and situation,
Its too hard for me to understand the words "leave, leave, leave"

I have too much to go through now, im still thinking alot, but even worse, she is thinking alot more than me,
so the entire situation is very confusing and hurting

I know what you mean, she could do it again.

But i still have so many questions.

Would she have done this, if i didnt put her in the situation i did?
If i didnt threaten her to leave, how would we do today.

If she was in a state where she was very loving towards me, and a state where i was very loving towards her.
would this happen...

Yes i understand she is mentally unstable, i can see it, and i could see it all the years.
But the good times, and the great memories, always made up for it.

I learned to handle it, to handler her, in a great way.

I know i probably should listen to you right now,
but im writing for therapy.

I need time to process everything.

I'm sorry that she has done all of this to you, friend. I think it's time for you to break this cycle of abuse once and for all.

Would she have done this, if i didnt put her in the situation i did?

If i didnt threaten her to leave, how would we do today.

No! Do not blame yourself. You tried to insist on reasonable and healthy boundaries in your relationship. When you do that and someone ignores those boundaries they're telling you that they do not respect you or care about any of the consequences that you have placed on violating those boundaries. She believes that because she has been able to control and manipulate you through years of abuse that you will continue to repeat this cycle.

If she was in a state where she was very loving towards me, and a state where i was very loving towards her.

would this happen...

I'm afraid that there is no such state for her. Her acting loving toward you is just a means of getting what she wants.

Yes i understand she is mentally unstable, i can see it, and i could see it all the years.

But the good times, and the great memories, always made up for it.

I learned to handle it, to handler her, in a great way.

No you didn't. That's simply what you have told yourself to make it all tolerable. There is no great way to handle a serial liar and cheat except to demand honesty and fidelity and end the relationship if they do not abide by that.

If your WGF were to absolutely commit herself to solving the problems within herself it would probably require years of intensive therapy. Successful outcomes from that are probably rarer than you imagine.

I once had a relationship with a psychopathic liar. I had this delusion that if you showed them that you really cared and that you would be there for them through it all that eventually they would feel safe enough to be really honest. It doesn't work that way. It just shows them that you will tolerate it and are easily manipulated by their lies.

I'm sorry but I think you need to detach yourself completely from this person. I'm not sure how she's incurring debts in your name, but you need to legally put a stop to that immediately as well.

So sorry, you're going through this. Stay strong.

ETA: On top of everything else, I think that she deliberately tortured you with tales of her OM's giant dick. She can't seem to be honest about anything but she regales you with all the details of that. For all you know, she could be lying about that just to torture you.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 4:00 PM, Monday, June 5th]

You say you're writing for therapy. What is it that you want from that therapy? Do you see a therapist in real life?

You put all the blame on your WSo. I agree she's been unfaithful financially, physically, and emotionally. What I don't understand is this: you've known she's been lying for a long time. What has kept you from demanding honesty or leaving?

Lying is the biggest infidelity. When a person lies, one simply can't know what that person is doing.

*****

You've written a great description of a BS's thoughts after d-day. I suspect a lot of us know exactly what you mean but couldn't have put it into words the way you have. Thanks.

Sorry i cant figure out how to reply to people,

So i just cover a few questions.

Thanks for the response.

Lets make something clear first.

I am very sad by everything, and i am currently processing it, while being around her at the same time.

She sends mixed signals, so i know this is not the ideal situation.

But do understand, i can not leave.

I get only half my salary because other half is taken by creditors.

So i cannot afford anywhere to live.

I would simply starve to death or have to live in a tent for the next three years until its paid down.

Me & her has gone into an agreement that she will not throw me out as long as i am economically down as i am now.

I will be able to live here, and she is paying rent alone, just so i can have the extra money to pay off other debts.

So be mindful that she is actually helping on the economic part now.

She have sworn to uphold this agreement, and i even made her sign a contract with me about it.

Also she is contributing with sending me alittle money to speed up the process, so hopefully not 3 full years.

So to answer how i could spend 10 years with a liar.

Ok, ill be honest.

When she first came to my apartment and just setteled (yes she picked me, and just forced herself upon me)

I was very depressed and sexually understimulated.

I was a gamer, that worked only evenings, so basically i was at home when others were at work, and when other people came home, i went to work.

I was extremely lonley and i never met people.

My friends got a life, moved away etc.

She just popped up, and gave me company.
She got me out, and she gave me that spark to just do other things than sitting inside all night.

I had a friend, that only wanted to spend their time with me, every day.

I didnt ask her to stay, she just did.

And somehow we just was together ever since.

She was young back then and a bit troubled, i saw she brought a big "package", which i honestly didnt want.

But her company was still worth it.

I saw she lie about things very very early on,
But at least i wasnt depressed anymore.

I had someone, company, and someone that "wanted me"

I never had the feeling before of being wanted by somebody..

And i was 24.

We just kept being together, and i kept ignoring the lies, because i was so satisfied in every other way.

I must admit, the lying actually made me want to throw her away, many times over the years.

But i was afraid to fall back into that dark hole again, so i kept ignoring the lies.

It was when she started fabricating proof to reinforce her lies, it started to really annoy me, which over time cause me to become a jerk.

I didnt do anything bad to her, but i just stopped showing her love, and been generally quite rude against her over years.

I know, because she told me, she havent been any happy over the last years.

She has been unhappy, because i knew she lied, and i didnt show her any affection.

Which is expected.

So when i finally exposed her, i thought i fixed and issue that started in the beginning, and that it would fix things.

Right after i saw all positive signs.

Its like she suddenly grew up.

Shes been very helpful, the last year.

She been paying rent alone, every month for a long time, just to give me the economic space to handle all things that stacked up over the years.

This is unlike her.

I hoped this was a new beginning, and the positive changes i saw gave me hope.

But yes, the cheating.

I know its a big deal.

And i know it so well.

She destroyed all my trust, RIGHT after i managed to build it up.

But i cant leave right now, as i said in the beginning of this reply.

If i leave, its gonna end horrible.

At least i have a roof over my head, and a helping hand economically now.

But my mental state is very unstable.

But i cant see any other way.

Prices have skyrocketed all over the world.

I wouldnt even be able to pay the electricity bill.

And i still work evenings, so i would never really meet any other people.

Hell i dont even have friends anymore, no one to talk to, thats why writing here is some sort of relief for me.

She is really weird too.

She keep saying she dont understand who she is anymore.
She is all over the place emotionally.

I feel like shes broken in some way, like not functioning.

Honestly it looks like she is in some sort of psychosis.

From my perspective.

I dont know what more to say..

Im empty.

If you can’t do anything because of your financial situation, then accept being where you are. Maybe ask her to be discreet, use protection (because if what she says is true we are talking tearing and blood and contamination here…) and to shower before slipping in bed with you.
Doesn’t sound great does it? Well… you HAVE options, only some might require you renegotiate your debts and find ways to cope without being a kept man by the woman who seems hell-bent on hurting you.

I have to say I find some of the things you share display an extreme effort to show cruelty. When I add that to your story about being financially dependent on her and all your financial missteps I get a sense that this might be some form of "suicide by cop". A form of "end my relationship by having an affair and then making HIM decide that this is over".

Like her hit at what tends to be men’s most sensitive area – in more ways than one. The OM humongous back-breaking uberschwonger that is described as "abnormally big" and requiring machine-grade lubrication to fit.
Should we start there? Let’s start with that about 80% of ALL men within a rather extensive geographical area have a variance that is about 1 inch. The 20% left, 16% are about equally divided into more than half an inch above average, and half an inch below average. Of course, your GF lover might be that 2%, but statistically he’s just as likely to be that 2% under. Notice that most male pornstars tend to be under average height and a very lean mid-section? Penis size has no correlation to height, so 6 on a five-foot frame looks more impressive than six on six. Plus the tummy and groin fat eats a visual inch.
Yes, there are women with a humongous falafel fetish, but it’s rather rare. Generally women don’t enjoy pain. I find her description border on the ridiculous.
So why say this? To cause pain.

To me, that is not an indicator that she want to reconcile.

There is a member here by username foog. He recently concluded his story. He too had to deal with highly unstable partner of 8 years. He too was unwilling to act necessary steps to escape infidelity for variousreasons. So, he remained and waited until his heart suffered enough and said, "enough!! I cant take it anymore." And then he took necessary steps and put a permanent end to this endless torture and mental abuse. Read his story. It will help you.

You have only two options:

1. Take necessary steps to escape infidelity either through divorce/breakup or reconciliation protecting your sanity, mental stability, self esteem and dignity. Or

2. Suffer enough until your heart gives up and say, "Enough!!". This will cost you your sanity and stability. You will have to endure too much abuse and gaslighting.

Choice is yours.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 8:19 AM, Tuesday, June 6th]

I did some research tonight about this topic, and watched alot of videos because i need to understand whats going on in her head.

And i think i understand now.

When she started chatting with him 1 month before the infidelity, he promised her paradise, and she fell for it.

She has been in a "Affair fog".

After first affair, she made it clear to me that she didnt care about me anymore, she still loved me, but in a unromantic way.

She been acting extremely confused, like she is in a fantasy, or in love.

And i think i get it now.

She is in that "fog"

She even made it clear to me so many times afterwards, that when she was there the second time, she started snapping out of it.

When he started touching her hair and got overly romantic, she felt very bad, and that she didnt feel what she hoped for.

She tells me she doesnt plan with him now, or talk romantic or such things anymore.

And that she is just left very very confused about everything.

It got me thinking that either she is still romantically in love with him,
OR
She is heartbroken that her fantasy bubble bursted when i found out.

She still doesnt have romantic feelings for me,
And now she just isnt intrested in trying to repair the damage because she havent made up her mind yet.

I say: "make up your mind about what? That you still want him?"

She: "no, im done there, but i dont know what i want anymore because im so confused"

She really doesnt mind if i leave now. At least thats what she tells me.

So "Suicude by Cop"

You might be right man.

About her torturing me about his size,
No she doesnt torture me.
She just mentioned when i asked,
Abd she keep conforting me that its still the best sex with me, and my size is just about right for her and always been.

Its me torturing myself because i still believe she went there for his size.

She just mentioned it when i asked.

But she confessed, she always been intrested in him since her early teens, and that "force" always was resting inside her.

I actually think she still considers him, just that she is shocked by my reaction after i found out, and put him on pause, or just temporary distanced herself from him just at the moment.

Because her lack of love to me, and her apathy towards her feelings, and she not feeling romantic with me,
I can clearly see now, that she isnt worth pursuing.

I dont know if she is still in the effects of the "Fog" and needs time,
Or if she actually is tired of me.

She said she "broke up" with me, inside her own head the first day of the affair.

So if she mentally is single now, then ill just process the whole thing and prepare myself for a new life, for a new future.

Just now, economics has to come before my own well being and mental state.

I decided to spend more time with my family, and do more nice things for myself.

At least that can help keeping me sane for a while.

Padlock

And i think i understand now.

When she started chatting with him 1 month before the infidelity, he promised her paradise, and she fell for it.

She has been in a "Affair fog".

After first affair, she made it clear to me that she didnt care about me anymore, she still loved me, but in a unromantic way.

She been acting extremely confused, like she is in a fantasy, or in love.

And i think i get it now.

She is in that "fog"

Dear Padlock, sorry to find you here.

I don't think you understand, as a matter of fact. She may very well be in a fog now, but SHE chose to go to him and believe his bullshit, that's not the other way around. She didn't fell, she took the conscious decision to dive in, that's a huge difference. She felt she didn't need to protect you, she felt available and didn't respect you.

You have NOTHING to do with that. Nothing. For the moment, she's just as every other WS caught red-handed, still a selfish little brat with no intention to become a better person (emphazise on "for the moment", because many WS actually put in the effort and do the work).

She's toxic, untrustworthy, and she will destroy you if she doesn't work on herself heavily in IC. Until you go NC with her and do a full 180, she will not change. You need to think about yourself now...

[This message edited by iamjack at 12:15 PM, Tuesday, June 6th]

You are both very damaged people. The one thing that I am seeing over and over again is that people who have been gaming since they were teenagers stop maturing. They stay teenagers because that’s all they’ve known through their very important maturing years.
I saw some disturbing information in your writing. It tells me she is possibly a hologram. Whatever is going on, and has been going on, in her life has hollowed her out. She had sex with him because it was physically enjoyable because there is nothing there to work with emotionally. I’m not sure she has the ability to love anyone ever. I’m just going by what you wrote about both of you.

You are absolutely right she put effort into it.
She confessed everything to me, no secerets.
She said she sent him mixed signals and all.

She is so open and have come so clean she even show me all the messaging between them, i even got to see what she wrote etc.

She is not hiding any details.

So you are right.

She 100% did it fully knowing she betrayed me.

I know.

And we keep discussing things.

She is basically totally lacking empathy and feelings now and are completly in a zombie state.

I dont know whats going on with her 100%, but i dont know her anymore, she seem like an mentally unstable alien to me.

Today, exactly today, is our 10 year anniversary.

What a SAD day.

Damn..

I told her we are not celebrating it, because we couldnt reach the 10 year mark.

You DO have options. There are ways to get out of the crushing debt and given they were created by your gf, there is no disgrace. There are lots of resources for fixing this including bankruptcy which is perfectly acceptable. See a lawyer that specializes in this. You should not have to give half your check away.

Also, you really need to get out of this relationship. And I mean NEED. For your emotional and financial well being. There are lots of normal women out there. She ain’t one of them.

Are you in the US? Or another country that has the option for bankruptcy? In the US the creditors can't hold you hostage so that you can't eat or have housing. We have the option for bankruptcy. Please look into it if it is an option wherever you are. You may feel that only "losers" or people with low moral character use the bankruptcy tool we've been given but it's simply not true. If you have the option, use it, and get away from this very childish and manipulative woman. Good luck!

I get only half my salary because other half is taken by creditors.

So i cannot afford anywhere to live.

I would simply starve to death or have to live in a tent for the next three years until its paid down.

Me & her has gone into an agreement that she will not throw me out as long as i am economically down as i am now.

I will be able to live here, and she is paying rent alone, just so i can have the extra money to pay off other debts.

Are these the same debts that she saddled you with?

You should terminate all access that she has to your finances. Find somewhere that you can get consumer debt counselling. Not a debt consolidation scheme or anything like that. Someplace where you can get better understanding of how to manage your finances. Set a goal to get out of debt and stay out of debt. Limit your gaming to a strict schedule that does not interfere with your work or constructive pastimes.

Respectfully, I think it's time for you to grow up and take control of your life. Find a new daytime job and adopt some new interests. If you focus on maximizing your personal potential and eliminate the drag she is placing on you, you will be a much happier and more complete person. With a new job, a new life, and better discipline you can be out of this situation much sooner than you think.

Wishing you the best.