SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The three month trial just means that she needs to hide her affair better for three months. It’s active and ongoing, as is evidenced by her messages that she has sent

I don’t think it’s ongoing. She’s been very transparent with her phone, messages, and location info.

Could she be hiding it? Maybe. I’ve known her for almost 20 years and know when she’s lying. She’s very bad at it.

UseD2

I don’t see a need or any benefit to hit on you for the three month decision. I might not agree with it and not like it, but as I said previously: you are there and must decide and implement. If you can tolerate that and believe she will take your observations into account... then that’s up to you.

Our advice tends to be based on two main factors: Our personal experience and what we learn from observing others. If I were to base my infidelity advice solely on MY experience, I guess the takeaway would be to never trust hairdressers... I am also fairly certain the majority of hairdressers are faithful spouses, so why should I pass judgement on all based on MY experience? I think I base my advice a lot more on general human behavior, experiences I have seen here on this (and other sites) and experiences I have seen in life.

If you go to the Reconciliation forum you will see a thread about reconciling while working together. I encourage you to read that thread. Both the responses of those that are working at R while WS and AP work together and maybe especially how the story of the original poster there is panning out. That WS had good intentions...

This is in line with our collective experience. If I were to guestimate then I think that if your wife were to leave her job (or OM the job) the odds of this continuing might be 1/10. With them working together – especially as there is still ongoing interaction and contact – I put it at 6/10. But... that doesn’t mean it will start again but simply that it’s LIKELY to start again.

Now imagine this scenario: If you were told that the risk of serious injury while not wearing a helmet at a construction site was 6/10, but with a helmet it went down to 1/10 – you would be strapping on the helmet. You wouldn’t even imagine going to the site without it.

Look at your very own posts: A couple of times you state how she clearly tells OM something is wrong, shouldn’t happen and/or never will happen. Yet shortly after, she takes her actions a step further: You will never experience being my lover -> a couple of hours detailed description of sexual acts...
I think her intentions when she places her borders are done in good faith. Like you might wake up with an immense hangover and truly state you are off the drink from now. Yet four weeks later there you are downing your third GT in an hour. Like your intention to start exercising.... tomorrow... Intentions are good – actions are better.
Her actions to-date haven’t reflected her stated intentions.
Like the casual non-work related conversations since d-day...

That might be why we question the three month wait... She has no INTENTION to make this an affair, but she might think she can control the level of "friendship" with this man. Our experience indicates the level needs to be zero – nada – zilch. She wants it at friends and cordial. He wants it at sex. After all he is a player with past history.

I truly wish you good fortune.

I don’t see a need or any benefit to hit on you for the three month decision. I might not agree with it and not like it, but as I said previously: you are there and must decide and implement. If you can tolerate that and believe she will take your observations into account... then that’s up to you.

Our advice tends to be based on two main factors: Our personal experience and what we learn from observing others. If I were to base my infidelity advice solely on MY experience, I guess the takeaway would be to never trust hairdressers... I am also fairly certain the majority of hairdressers are faithful spouses, so why should I pass judgement on all based on MY experience? I think I base my advice a lot more on general human behavior, experiences I have seen here on this (and other sites) and experiences I have seen in life.

If you go to the Reconciliation forum you will see a thread about reconciling while working together. I encourage you to read that thread. Both the responses of those that are working at R while WS and AP work together and maybe especially how the story of the original poster there is panning out. That WS had good intentions...

This is in line with our collective experience. If I were to guestimate then I think that if your wife were to leave her job (or OM the job) the odds of this continuing might be 1/10. With them working together – especially as there is still ongoing interaction and contact – I put it at 6/10. But... that doesn’t mean it will start again but simply that it’s LIKELY to start again.

Now imagine this scenario: If you were told that the risk of serious injury while not wearing a helmet at a construction site was 6/10, but with a helmet it went down to 1/10 – you would be strapping on the helmet. You wouldn’t even imagine going to the site without it.

Look at your very own posts: A couple of times you state how she clearly tells OM something is wrong, shouldn’t happen and/or never will happen. Yet shortly after, she takes her actions a step further: You will never experience being my lover -> a couple of hours detailed description of sexual acts...
I think her intentions when she places her borders are done in good faith. Like you might wake up with an immense hangover and truly state you are off the drink from now. Yet four weeks later there you are downing your third GT in an hour. Like your intention to start exercising.... tomorrow... Intentions are good – actions are better.
Her actions to-date haven’t reflected her stated intentions.
Like the casual non-work related conversations since d-day...

That might be why we question the three month wait... She has no INTENTION to make this an affair, but she might think she can control the level of "friendship" with this man. Our experience indicates the level needs to be zero – nada – zilch. She wants it at friends and cordial. He wants it at sex. After all he is a player with past history.

I truly wish you good fortune.

Thanks, Bigger. To be honest I do not think I am going to make it through the three months. She is in the office with him today for the first time in almost two weeks and I am not doing well. I woke up at 3 am and wasnt able to get back to sleep.

I used an analogy with her that you would not expect an alcoholic to work in a liquor store or at a bar. She did not really have an answer for that.

I am going to read that thread now. I appreciate the heads up and the advice, and that goes to all of you who have responded.

The issue isn't entirely if she's hiding it or not. Her maintaining a personal relationship with him is a form of keeping the affair on ice. Maybe she's even lying to herself about it, but her continued communication with her boyfriend isn't because she was worried that his burger would get cold.

Some part of her is testing your boundaries. Some part of her is her testing her own boundaries. All parts of her are not serious about reconciliation if she thinks keeping her boyfriend in her life is a way to save a marriage.

These are facts. My wife would have taken a bullet to the head than betray me again. I still kind of never trusted her again. Your wife is willing to betray you over some dude's burger getting cold.

The issue isn't entirely if she's hiding it or not. Her maintaining a personal relationship with him is a form of keeping the affair on ice. Maybe she's even lying to herself about it, but her continued communication with her boyfriend isn't because she was worried that his burger would get cold.

Some part of her is testing your boundaries. Some part of her is her testing her own boundaries. All parts of her are not serious about reconciliation if she thinks keeping her boyfriend in her life is a way to save a marriage.

These are facts. My wife would have taken a bullet to the head than betray me again. I still kind of never trusted her again. Your wife is willing to betray you over some dude's burger getting cold.

I agree with you. Even if she thinks it is harmless, those little interactions keep a thread alive that shouldn’t be there, and that makes reconciliation a lot harder. At the same time, I am not going to give her an ultimatum about leaving her job. That has to be her choice. If she chooses not to, then I’ll make the choice I need to for myself. The three month thing is something our MC suggested.

Feel free to look at my thread from when I joined.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/642801/wife-of-almost-ten-years-is-emotionally-cheating-on-me/

I totally understand the turmoil you are going through. Try to take good care of your physical health.

Thanks. I'm reading through it now. I may PM you if that's ok.

Feel free. I know I might have come off a little short and harsh here. I'm just trying to help.

Thanks, Bigger. To be honest I do not think I am going to make it through the three months. She is in the office with him today for the first time in almost two weeks and I am not doing well. I woke up at 3 am and wasnt able to get back to sleep.

Does she know this? If not, why? If she does, what has she done to reassure you?

Generally, on here, I notice that men congregate around men, and women around women to give advice. However, grief is grief. I think what I see overall, although you cannot make generalities when you’re talking about human nature, is that most men appear to want a solution right away. Although women want a solution right away, most of us will talk the damn thing to death getting there. I have been married to my husband 140,000 years and he cannot stand not having an answer to a question, or to a problem, facing him. Not solving it sets him on edge., On the other hand, I can talk it to death and still be talking about it 10 years from now. So with all of that craziness in mind, I’m going to say that you are frittering. She cannot, should not, be in the same room or even in the same building with him. There was something pulling them towards each other and you know it. We, being as neutral as possible, can see it very clearly. How are you going to manage three months is beyond me. By then you’re going to be a quivering piece of jelly. You have rights. You have the right to wake up in the morning and not be terrified that your wife is going to pull something that day. You have the right to live in your own skin happily and you’re not doing it right now.

UseD2 - I understand what you will DO if you find out she continues or picks up her affair during the next 3 months but how will this affect you? I think you're overestimating how much you can tolerate as a person. Or should tolerate. I think you're using this as a "test" of her resolve and I would not recommend that. It's a question of temptation. Most people can't resist temptation, whether it be drink, food, or sex (other other things, of course), no matter how much they may "want" to, in their heads. It's never enough. If it were, we'd all be slim and healthy. Even if she doesn't do anything with this guy in the next 3 months, how can you ever know for sure? The best way of knowing is for her not to be involved in that temptation - she could still reach out to him or vice versa, but it would be a big added step. Here it's just built in. She doesn't have to do anything - he's just there. And even if nothing does happen... how can you be sure..you will inevitably have worries and suspicions.

I have to add my weight to the others - she needs a new job now. She can't work with this guy. Don't test the resolve, people are weak especially when in the throes of temptation. The best way to handle any tempting situation is to avoid the temptation - you would feel much better too. I think a 3 month period to assess things might be good if you two are working actively together but I think just letting things happen as they might is only going to make things much worse for you, and it's not going to really benefit either of you. Don't allow room for suspicion to grow. I think you're putting off the inevitable. You're the one who has to lay down the boundaries and limits and rules of a relationship that is acceptable to YOU, that's how you empower yourself. Leaving it all up to her is not empowering to me.

NAL. Boy, I want to revisit the entire interaction with HR. My take on this comes from the advice of a manager/executive working in the USA. If that fits your situation, I'm confident in my advice. Take the time to understand the law and your situation.

Your wife is the junior employee in her workplace between her and AP. There are no evidence of workplace performance issues on your wife's employment. A senior manager flirted with her and they sexted/dated and he continues to contact her, if only subtly.

Her boss qualifies as a manager for purposes of federal and most state laws on sexual harassment. So, it does not matter if your sexual contact was him taking advantage or consensual. Under the law, he has taken advantage of a subordinate and created an uncomfortable situation in the workplace.

However, his behavior also establishes a hostile work environment. That is the legal term and it's the term that you need to understand. The firm cannot legally take action against your wife and should be willing to remove her or AP from the hostile environment. Failure to take action ("talking" to her AP to assure that it doesn't happen doesn't meet the standard). Also, a report denying corporate responsibility is just to make you and your wife think that there is no case and may even make the firm more liable for the environment.

Capture all your emails and any before/after examples of performance feedback. Get a quick consult with an employment/sexual harassment specialist attorney. Under their advice, go to HR or have them contact HR. If HR takes action against your wife after the hostile work environment is explained, you will have a bigger case. Worst case immediately is that they fire both of them (AP WILL get fired or your wife will have a bigger legal case).

Move quickly if there is any indication that the company is building a case for poor performance/conduct violations as a way to say you wife is a disgruntled employee and the sex/hostile environment are made up. Good luck!

DO NOT talk to HR about it before you talk to an attorney. Your wife should look for a new job for any number of reasons, but this will add one more. The claim should protect her in the short term and will continue even if she leaves her job.

The other benefit of that plan is you get to judge your wife’s reaction.

Your CW (cheating wife’s) non-reaction yo the alcoholic working in a bar or liquor store says it all.

Often IMO it is not the affair that destroys the marriage or stops reconciliation— it’s the behavior of the cheater that kills it all.

And your wife is falling into that camp unfortunately. She continues yes to put HER needs it desires first every day she goes to work AND is not looking for a new job.

All I know is the day I stood up to my H (on dday2) and pulled the rug out from under him was the day things started to change. In my favor.

He lost all power and control and while he was begging me to R and I was not interested, he suddenly starting realizing that HE needed to change.

WW is not a candidate for recovery.
WW will not leave her job to have NC with the OM.
WW protecting OM by refusing to report the OM for sexual harassment.
WW is putting the OM first before her marriage.