SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (35F) recently dated one of my oldest friends (35M) for 7 months, ending a few weeks ago. He's a truly lovely guy, but obviously still hung up over a relationship that ended in 2019 when he was 29.

He dated that woman from 2011 to 2019 - eight years. He's still so traumatized by it and says no one has compared since. (I think it's a trauma bond.)

I found out recently that the ex girlfriend of 8 years "cheated on him all the time" -- exact quote from one of that woman's close female friends. The exact details i know was that she was sleeping with at least a couple of people during their relationship -- i'm assuming many more, at any opportunity.

Question for the community is: Do I tell him? Will this help him heal?

For god’s sake tell him.

If someone knew facts about my ww’s lies, I would want to know.

I would be thankful to the person that told me.

Will he heal because of it? No idea. But it’s got to be better to know the truth than to live with lies.

This is gossip. You didn’t even get it directly from the purported sex partners. So you don’t know if it is true or just malicious hearsay. Plus, you are biased. You really like this guy but you can’t go forward because he is hung up on the ex. So are you chomping at the but to blow her up? I would not put myself in a position where I am essentially vouching for the truthfulness of the allegations. The best you can do is try to prevail upon the ex’s friend to talk to your ex.

I believe you are honestly trying to help.

However, unless you have concrete and specific evidence, I recommend saying nothing to him. There's no reason for him to accept this news, even if it is true, from either you or the ex's friend. That's just human nature. And you don't actually know it for fact either. Until then, it is gossip.

I don’t think it will have the right impact coming from you. He may view it very differently than what your true intentions are.

Has he ever mentioned to you that he thought she cheated?

I saw her cheat on him with my own eyes - she was hooking up with someone at a party while they were dating. wasn't sure of the extend of it. He said yes he suspected her of cheating on him at multiple points.

Based on your last post it appears you knew his Ex cheated and witnessed it. So you never said anything while you were dating him?

I asked the women about it directly the next time I saw her after it happened. She denied it and I chose to believe her over my own eyes. The angle that I witness it from was awkward. I was 100% sure it happened when I saw it, but chose to believe her over the idea she would lie to blatantly to me. That's 100% the truth. I feel stupid and guilty.

I’m sorry you were lied to too.

I think you should tell him but here is my concern.

He won’t receive the info well. It will send him further down the path of pain shopping and add to his misery.

I hope he is getting professional help.

Yes i think it might be ethically unsound to let him know if he is not in active therapy.

This seems overly dramatic for information that could have been communication naturally in a conversation in a few sentences. When he said he suspected her cheating, why not say you thought you saw her hooking up with someone else at a party and when confronted, she said she didn't? If he was interested, he could ask exactly what happened.

That's still all the information you have. The rest is rumor. I don't think I'd want to learn that my friend group is discussing my old relationship. After 6 yrs, I don't think learning my ex was cheating would send me into a spiral though.

After 6 yrs, I don't think learning my ex was cheating would send me into a spiral though.

The ExBF is still traumatized years later over this relationship. Good chance he might be strongly (negatively) impacted by the revelation of the ExGF from 2019 was, in fact, cheating.

It seems like there are analyses and conclusions being made about what happened and what the exBF is going through right now. I don't know. I don't know him or the situation. It feels like a lack of respect for letting him choose his own path and trusting his judgement. If I were the exBF, I would want to hear that you thought you saw her hooking up at a party, you confronted, and she denied. Beyond that, I wouldn't want you gossiping about me with other people. You could hint that her friends might know more I guess.

The issue isn’t that his ex cheated on him.
The issue is that he’s fixated on his ex.
I don’t think him knowing she cheated will miraculously fix that. He needs help in realizing that relationships come and go, and that he needs to accept that one is over and move on.

  Moving to General

It would be my hope that my friend(s) would take a more trusting and charitable view of my situation that doesn't analyze or judge me harshly. I would hope they would say, "Yes. He/she does still think very highly of their ex. I don't understand it, but I respect them and trust that they will heal in their own time. And I respect them enough to tell them any facts that I know and allow them to make their own conclusions."

I can understand your desire to tell him on multiple levels - your basic ethical sense that he should know, and that perhaps it would help him to stop mooning over this person. Well....it might, but then again, it might create a deeper spiral because then he'll have even MORE to ruminate over. Oh, here's this whole NEW level of shit about this person I didn't know or only suspected before so now I have all this NEW stuff to think about. Sometimes it's best to leave the past in the past as long as it IS the past. It might not be if they had kids together or some other strong current ties.

If you were moving forward in a relationship together, I think it would be more appropriate to tell him because it might reflect directly on a new, growing relationship for you. I'd raise the issue at that point anyway. But do ask yourself what your own motivation is in telling him this - is it based on a hope that you two might develop a relationship if this goes away? Well....it might actually make the past stronger because, as I say, he'd have more to think about with her now.

I probably would leave it alone at this point. If you do continue to talk, I might perhaps ask him if he ever felt like his ex was cheating and how he feels about that NOW instead of bluntly telling him what I heard. I'm good at this kind of thing, I don't know that most people are so you have to be careful not to cause new trauma. But it might be useful if you are getting close to have a general talk about relationships and cheating. He may actually know more than you think but just tries to ignore it.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 7:26 PM, Wednesday, September 3rd]

One of the questions I still have about my WW with OM1 is did my former boss at the place we worked witness something and keep it to himself.

The former boss attended my wedding I guess when they asked "if anyone knows of any reason" he had a chance

I strongly wish anyone with info would have spoke to me

I would encourage him to get into therapy if he's still hung up on his ex. I wouldn't tell him anything unless he ever asked directly, or if I knew he had been in counseling for a while. You're his friend and know him best. How do you think he will react? I would go with your gut.