SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone struggling with consequences? As in...wayward ex spouse is suffering no consequences for multiple betrayals of me and for abandoning the kids. Instead, he grabbed a fat divorce settlement (I made 100% of the income), immediately found a new girlfriend, and is now living the high life, taking lavish vacations out of the country with her, and presumably laughing all the way to the bank.

I love my peaceful new life, which is filled with people who I adore and who adore me back. Being divorced has been 1000 times better than I could have imagined, and my life is joyful and full. And my relationship with my kids - which was always great - is even better.

Yet, every once in a blue moon, when I think about how XWH is getting away with murder, I'm sick to my stomach with the injustice of it. I know, he has to live with himself, but as a narcissist, he's not self aware enough to feel any pain from that. And he's been able to abandon our kids with apparently no issue, so it doesn't seem as if he's grieving the loss of those relationships. He was always good at playing dumb, and I suspect he's now blissfully ignorant, living in his self-constructed fantasy life, where he's a great guy who was victimized by me and our kids. Sigh.

Does anyone else get tied up in knots that their ex "got away with it"? What do you do to let go of those thoughts and get on with your life? This is literally the only thing holding me back, and I want to get past it.

I've struggled with it, but the truth is, he has lost a lot even if he doesn't realize it. Maybe he will one day, maybe he's too much of a shit person and he'll die remorseless and happy. The journey to indifference is going to vary for each of us, but for me personally, what helps is focusing on my happiness. I don't want his life, so I don't envy it. I try to let go of resentment when it rears its head, but I also don't try to suppress those feelings. I acknowledge that resentment and bitterness are natural and also fruitless. Time and distance from him and the marriage have helped decrease the intensity and frequency of these feelings.

You say you only think about this once in a blue moon. If that's really true, then I think it's okay. Grief never fully goes away. It sounds like you are content the rest of the time, so with that in mind and considering you're so recently divorced, I think you're doing really well!

The key is to let it go...
We can agree that infidelity isn’t good. There is something IMHO fundamentally wrong in people that cheat. That "wrong" can be a one-off... can be changed, but in many it’s a character-flaw that they either don’t recognize or don’t want to change.

So if your spouse is now living "the good life" and that good life is based on his faults... That life will inevitably self-destruct without change. That might be burning through relationships, losing the respect of the kids, financial issues...
Now – if he makes amends and fixes his issues... Great. Won’t impact your life and makes him a better father.

I can share that my ex fiancé did not change her ways. I lost touch with her for years... decades... and haven’t seen nor talked to her for... wow... ages...
Last time I heard of her was through a joint friend – her former co-owner of the then-successful beauty parlor they started. Turns out that about 3-5 years after d-day and our subsequent breakup the friend bought her out of the parlor, and fired her less than a year later. She went from being affluent to now living off social support. Burned through two marriages – one ended due to abuse. Has two sons; one was doing time for some petty crime, the other unemployed and living at home.
When we were together she was a successful business-owner, beautiful, popular, and headed towards a bright future.
Not saying I caused all this, but rather that since she never dealt with the faults that made her "wrong" their power over her life and behaviors only grew. Leading her to a life of regret and misery. Sort of like where your husband might be headed.

I can also share that hearing this – about 25-30 years after d-day – only made me feel sad. But only for about a minute or two. She no longer has emotional space in my life and mind.

Cancer is just cancer. Even when it kills you, it’s just doing its job.

Cancer will not experience consequences because it’s cancer. Maybe it will outgrow its blood supply. Maybe it will kill itself as it kills you.

The important thing is excising the cancer. What happens to the cancer doesn’t matter after that. You’re cancer free with some scars.

I’m in the middle of surgery removing that cancer. It’s painful.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 8:54 PM, Wednesday, October 1st]

I'm guilty of ruminating even 7 years later. I don't think it would have the same impact if I didn't have to work with him. Financially my income and long term survival necessitate staying in my job as I couldn't make anywhere close to the same amount elsewhere, and I'm already 62 with missing years of income as the SAHM when we had kids.

1. He had several affairs over 23 years. He denied them, but there was subtle proof. I believed him.
2. He didn't stop, he got better at hiding them.
3. I found one on Christmas day that had lasted 6 weeks. She was 28 to his 54. He said he loved me and wanted to reconcile. While we were working it out, six weeks later I found out about another one on my birthday. I left the relationship.

4. HE PANICED and married her in Vegas. He knew her 14 days. His portrayal of a perfect, in love relationship was nearly life ending for me. They seemed so in tune, tons of trips, lavish things he never did for me. They blew through $150k or more. It was enough to make me spiral for the rest of my days trying to make peace, or sense of it all. How he detached without a thought, made me feel unworthy, invisible, made me question my entire life with him. Appearances were deceiving. They appeared to thrive, but within 4 months they were in troubled waters. It took 1.5 years for his life to come full circle. In that time I struggled to breathe, live and exist in the unfairness of it all. They lived lavishly, and I struggled until the attorney got things sorted late in the game.

Fear vs Consequences: He abandoned his kids and 23 years to launch into his fantasy relationship built on unsustainable lies.

5. I got an attorney with the small inheritance I got from my mother's death. Best money ever spent in my life.
6. His life began to unravel.

His Consequences:

7. His lies caught up to him. At first she defended him and took care of all the paperwork for our divorce, believing him. She and I despised each other from afar. I hated her with every fiber of my being. She represented my all the things I felt cheated out of.
8. His business started to have significant trouble, and the attorney put a stop to the drain of money. Now they were on a budget for the duration of the divorce. When they had to go from $350 dollar dinners to not affording Starbucks coffee, it was a show stopper.
9. I ended up with a paid off house, significant settlement, and a ton of things for our nearly out of school kids.
10. He sued me for $3,000,000 and we settled for no money, no fault.
11. Within 1.5 years he was now talking to me and left her and she filed for divorce.
12. He tried to date me and I refused for a year.
13. STUPID me bought into the "I've changed" and let him back into my life. I did all the paperwork and grunt work for his divorce from the woman he left me for. She didn't get anything. I got a lifetime subscription to stress.
14. We stayed together for 2.5 years he forced the two of us to work together and over time, comparing notes and through a long hard road she and I began a mutual friendship, bonding over his trauma. He bailed out suddenly when faced with moving back into the house he no longer owned.
15. He has had a string of "love of his life" type women. None of them were the love of his life. The Barbie, The single welfare mom with kids that was 33 years younger, a bunch of one night stands, and has settled again for a woman that went to prison for drug distribution.
16. He owns no home, has to rent. He has a failing business. He has, diabetes, prostate issues, owes the IRS six digit amounts, and has a strained relationship with his kids, but he reaped what he sowed. I have a lien on both pieces of undeveloped property he got in the divorce as he still owes me money. One of those properties belonged to my dad and mom.
17. The woman he's with currently is a testimony to how far he's fallen. She is not someone he would have ever chosen in prior years, she was available, and easier.
18. I'm still struggling with coming to terms with it all. I haven't dated, but I'm content for the most part. I see him and his chaos for what it is. Yes, each new woman causes me stress, ruminating, watching him make effort for them that he never put forth for me. It's worse because I have a front row seat working with him. I watch the circus, but the monkey's aren't mine now.
19. Peace is priceless. When I ruminate, and get stuck in a spiral, I remind myself that she isn't getting someone better, she's got an older version of the same man, and all his faults. He hasn't changed a bit. His charm has faded, he is destined to be alone, or with a woman that no one else wanted. He is at rock bottom and his Karma still hasn't come full circle. He will grow old with someone or no one, but he now knows what he lost. Trust me he now knows what he lost, and what it cost him.