SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

I know there are a lot of people in this thread right now, and everyone here (just like everyone on this site) is in pain.
Let's try to remember this as we communicate. I don't want to sound patronizing at all, please don't take it this way, I just want everyone to remember that on the other side of the computer, we are all humans in deep pain, who are all coming here for support in improving ourselves.

I believe everyone in this thread, WS, BS, MH alike, are all here for improvement and healing. And I largely believe everyone is saying essentially the same things, but those points aren't getting across.

We can all agree that a WS, usually due to adverse childhood experiences, lack certain characteristics that led to value violations and causing pain to their BS. I know there are some particulars being discussed, but ultimately we can agree on this?

I'll throw my hat in the ring: I grew up in an abusive household with an alcoholic and drug addicted mother and neglectful father. I mainly lived with my mother, so I learned to escape through fantasy to survive the abuse. I have a fake family in my head that I have always visited when I feel unsafe. I also have a lack of boundaries and people please, because I am so desperate to not lose anyone in my life due to my extreme fear of abandonment - it would bring me back to being stranded alone in my mom's apartment with no food because she was passed out for days.

I was also SA'd at 14 by an older guy who locked me in his car and attempted to r*pe me. I escaped before that, but enough damage was done. I kept all of this information secret. (I learned to keep secrets to avoid punishments).

This hurricane of issues culminated in me leaving for college at 18 years old (my boyfriend and future husband still in high school), and when I was all alone in a place I didn't know anyone, all of those feelings came rushing back. Thank you, C-PTSD. When another guy was aggressively pursuing me and eventually held me down and SA'd me, I took that as validation that someone wanted me so much because I was special. The fantasy I had always used to escape my pain had come true. So I continued seeing this guy. My fawn reflex really kicked in here. I was atrociously cheating on my boyfriend, and I was appalled at myself.

I tried to break up with my boyfriend, but he grabbed my arms and wouldn't let me leave. He jumped on my car to prevent me from driving away. And I didn't have the boundaries or self worth to push harder. Isn't that what I always wanted? People to want me, and to not be alone?

After this shameful infidelity was over, I was horrified with myself. What a monster, how can I ever look in the mirror? How can I ever make it up to my boyfriend? I would be everything to him. I would keep the secret, my shame, and not put it on his shoulders. I would make his life amazing. Continued wayward thinking, continued selfishness.

Did I betray my values? Absolutely, horrifically. Did I hurt my partner? Atrociously, yes. Does this justify anything I did? Not at all. I simply need to figure out what characteristics I lacked so I can change them, and ensure I never hurt anyone again.
I am now rebuilding myself, telling the entire truth, releasing all secrets, and receiving intensive therapy. I would like to say that my values are honesty and fidelity. I betrayed these values, but they are still my values and I will never betray them again.

Unhinged and PrettyLies- I am absolutely not attacking here in any way, but it seems as though you have both betrayed values of fidelity and honesty as well.
Unhinged, you have committed infidelity multiple times (going on a date, kissing/touching women). I did not have intercourse with my AP, but it was still infidelity. The boundaries that Ghostie was saying people should be careful about are exactly the boundaries that would have prevented these infidelities. Anyone can be found in a "predicament", we all have the responsibility to avoid these situations. Being alone with the opposite/attracted sex, going on a "date", etc.
PrettyLies, although you have not cheated on a partner, you were the OW. This does betray the values of fidelity and honesty, but I'm sure you still have those as values now?
We have all done hurtful things we would not repeat. I am the first to say that my actions are far worse than both of yours, so please do not think I am comparing myself to you at all. I was egregiously unfaithful. But we are all humans, here for improvement. I am thankful to learn from the introspective and intelligent BS and WS here on SI, including you both. I am deeply sorry for any pain everyone here is experiencing, and I hope you all continue on your paths of improvement.

Thank you, heartbroken.

I will say, I genuinely feel so much better after the most recent turn this conversation has taken. I’m trying to figure out why that is. It feels really important, but I can’t put my finger on it.

heartbroken12345

I see you did some research and digging lol. Which is fine, and not really a "gotcha" because even in this thread, I admitted that I’ve done some things that I’m not proud of. That was one of them. That was the first time I had IC, to get myself together.

What I also said here is that I have worked with professionals to be a better person and grow from the person I was. And I have said that I leaned that my wounds and traumas do not give me the right to bleed on other people.. And whenever I felt like I needed more help, I sought help from professionals again. And again.

But my goal the first time, was to start the journey to dealing with myself and be the best person I could be. And that took me sorting things out and being honest with myself, and learning how to be a person of integrity among other things, because that was really important to me, and has been ever since.

What you probably read when you looked up my post history, was me wondering if what my partner did to me, was some kind of karma for what I did when I was much younger. Maybe it was karma, maybe it wasn’t. Posters tried to tell me that regardless of what I did years before I ever met him, I still didn’t deserve for him to betray me like he did. I’m still not sure what the answer is.

All I tried initially to say in this thread, was how important honesty is in relationships. And things went downhill from there. But you already know that and how it happened, since you not only read it, but went looking for a reason and way to try to call me out for speaking my mind on the OP’s situation, and saying that I won’t cheat on someone I’m in a monogamous relationship with. I even said on my last post here, that therapy is the reason and what gave me the tools to not be that person, and a person of integrity instead.

Some things really are better addressed in IC, than a message board on the Internet. And I will leave that at that, saying what I’m not saying.

And while you were checking my posting history, your time probably would’ve been served better investigating another certain someone.

All I’m saying is that people don’t always know what issues they have to be clued in that they should seek therapy. "Sleeper issues" is what I’ve been calling them. That’s why it takes waywards a lot of time and effort to find the deep whys.

I do think we secretly agree on these things, PrettyLies. Maybe that’s where the good feels (relief? Glee?) are coming from.

ETA maybe my meds are kicking in

[This message edited by Ghostie at 4:16 AM, Tuesday, December 2nd]

No, I never told my girlfriend. Maybe it was a rationalization on my part that it was close to cheating but not really that bad. I could have stayed that night, had sex, breakfast in the morning, etc. But I didn't.

Gently, that does sound like classic WS rationalization. If your GF had gotten kissy and handsy with a naked friend in her bed, and then cut it off short of full sex, would you have agreed that it wasn't relevant information to share with you? If you really believed that it was a small matter, why did you hide it rather than fess up and give her the agency to decide what to do for herself?

My husband was 18 when he cheated on me in a drunken grope session with his sister's best friend. I was 19, going on 20, when I had my affair. I've heard people argue that people that age aren't responsible for the dumb shit they do, but he and I knew right from wrong then as well as we know it now. That's why both of us tried to confess. Unfortunately, we also chickened out and TT'd each other. But as we've seen, plenty of fully grown adults do that, too.