SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, its been 5 weeks since i found out my husband of 8 years had an affair with a colleague. It’s literally the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life. For the first 6 weeks, he was begging for forgiveness and i could see the remorse. He signed up for individual therapy himself and after reading some positive stories of reconciliation i thought i would try. So i said if he wants to go to couples therapy i need these conditions met which includes passwords to everything, and a long term solution for work. That freaked him out. My mum also text him if he cant change then dont waste my time. I would describe him as a dissmissive avoidant and any pressure makes him crack. So after 2 weeks of back and forth, and him saying i dont know if i can do these things, or be this person, i said "okay dont worry about the list, i was in fight or flight and lets just go to therapy." Then he starts saying, " i dont want to, im not ready for marriage and im not going to be ready anytime soon". He said i should never have kicked him out because it made him too comfortable with the idea of being alone. I was shocked. I kept saying how are you so prepared to give up when we haven’t even tried. And he said i would be fighting for this alone and he wasn’t happy in the marriage. It feels like i have been crushed 5 times over. Its been 3 days since that conversation and i have started no contact with him. Its really emotionally hard. We have a 4 year old and it pains me when he comes to get her. It also pains me that he gave up on her having a family without even trying. Im just leaving it as is at the moment and focusing on myself. I dont know if over time he will come around or not. Im planning for thr worst just incase. Has anyone been in this position?

Passwords and a long term solution for work freaked him out?

He sounds short on character.

See a lawyer, just to get "the lay of the land."

Sorry you’re here.

Best wishes.

Now he doesn’t want to try

I quoted the title because it's all it matters here.

First of all 'welcome' and sorry you are here. I feel you are overwhelmed and is going to be one of the hardest trials of your life.

You will find sympathy, insight and guidance here that you won't find anywhere else.

Now about the title:

The most important thing when dealing with a cheater, if the BS is considering to take them back is the following

The WS must be ready to do anything to regain the trust of their BS. And by Anything I mean Anything. If you ever see that "anything" has a line, don't take them back. They are not ready.

Read about the 180, is what you should do right now.

What he is doing is seeing that you still care, and manipulate you in order to get forgiveness without changing his ways.

Hard 180, let him understand that he is gone, if he ever wants in again he'll have to earn it, prove it, and you still have to decide if you will ever say even a "maybe".

You need to protect your emotions right now, because it will get worse with time, you must do damage control, not letting him room to hurt you more than he did already

Don't talk to him in terms of "we". There is no "we"now, there is just You and an asshole.
And all should be focused on You now. Not on him.

You should focus on healing yourself.

This is not harsh, this is to save you a world of pain.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:57 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

Sometimes the best thing we can do is listen to what they say, what they do, and what they want, and then base OUR future on what they are really offering.

Like here he says he wants to try, then he doesn’t, wants to do the work, then he doesn’t and now he says he’s not ready for marriage.

There is a name for the process of "not being married", and that is divorce.

It might not be what you want, but it’s what he’s offering you. Maybe not in direct words.

The way I see it is like this: You wake up to a fire in your home. It doesn’t matter if you won’t believe the shriek from the smoke-detectors, try to ignore the smoke and flames and do you very best to hide under the sheets. There is still a fire raging in your home.
It’s not until you get out of bed, call the fire department, save what you can and get out, and then watch the firemen douse your house in water, tear at the roof-beams... It’s only when the flames are out and you out of danger that you can evaluate if the house is inhabitable or not.

This is where you are now: Your husband has torched the marriage. Your fire-department is you moving on, starting the process of terminating the marriage formally and separating financially, logistically and emotionally.
Just like you didn’t want to lose your favorite sofa to the flames, this might not be what you want. But it’s what reality is offering.

Once out of infidelity... you rebuild.

This is awful for you, I know. However, we see many wayward spouses string the betrayed along with empty promises and appeals to work on it, only to give half efforts, continue deceptive behavior and drag it out for years sometimes. Your husband is showing you who he really is. Believe him.

I agree that it's time to detach and start the divorce process. Don't try to convince him or win him back. That almost never works. If he comes around and shows true remorse and sincerity, and you still want to fix things, you can always pause the process, but right now you don't have anything to work with.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, but there are some good folks who understand what you're going through. Keep posting, ask questions, or just use us to vent to if you need it. Hang in there. One way or another you will get through this.

Thank you everyone. I have been talking to a lawyer in the background and getting a sense of money to pay him out. I just feel terrible. I keep thinking of everything I should have done or could have done. I keep blaming myself. He said something like "if only i knew you loved me this much" because i was willing to forgive him. I know i stopped showing him as much affection towards the end but it was because he kept pushing me away. He was always out late. Barely made time for us, barely tried to build our connection. I said to him, i was constantly trying for this marriage but you were always in your own world. Then he blames me for saying in arguments that i want a divorce, but i said that because he would lie about small things repeatedly and it was ruining trust. I wanted him to understand the seriousness. I just cant believe someone can be so willing to walk away from their family. And he justifies it by saying he isnt walking away from our daughter, its just the marriage.

I’m sorry for you. Because YOU are being victimized yet again by a manipulative lying spouse.

I’m going to be honest and give you my two cents. Many many people are very AFRAID of any kind of therapy. Cheaters often fall into that category.

Not sure why. I think they would rather run away than face it to address an issue. Case in point. You say he lies, stays out late, not invested in the marriage - all 🚩🚩🚩🚩. And not surprising that there is NO accountability or willingness to even work with you.

Should you reconcile it most likely will be on his terms. Meaning he calls the shots and you agree OR you will basically be arguing about the same things you do now - his lying, staying out late etc. He will not agree to therapy and will want to sweep issues under the rug.

From my experience after my H’s first affair I did nothing. BIG MISTAKE! It made it easier to cheat the 2nd time. Second affair I was a very different person and stood up to him. He mistakenly thought he had any say or control over me, kids, marriage etc. I took back my power and refused to play his game any longer. I did the hard 180 and refused to listen to him for one more second blame me for his unhappiness, blah blah blah.

You cannot reconcile with someone who refuses to change. And inside of 24 hours my H realized he needed to change or he would be D.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:29 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

Thanks for this advice. What do you suggest i do and how i should handle conversations?