SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long time lurker first time poster.

When did you know that your BS or you if you were the BS was really truly done?

10 years together. No kids. Have a house together. Both late 20s.

We've been going to MC for 6 months and had two DDays. One in late June 2025 and one in early September from me trickle truthing. He's been hopeful until Monday of this week.

We've had the longest string of bad days since the start. So far we've had over half of our days pretty good. Last night he punched the ground and called me a whore and threw his phone across the room. He keeps calling me fundamentally broken and a bad person. He says I have a void that can only be filled with dick. Before when things were bad he has said he felt unsure about whether he wanted to be done, he says now he feels sure. He is in a very heightened state right now and I don't know if he's making it in response to current state or long term desires.

He spent all yesterday on forums (here and Reddit) reading stories of people who stayed together and regretted it which he attributes to his feeling that he is certain this time. He believes the vast majority of people who stay together regret it. He believes he can never look at me the same way again. He grieves so deeply what we had pre -DDay and wants to be with someone he can look at and not have the "yes but" feeling with.

We've spent today flip flopping between him yelling at me and us holding each other and crying at the idea of us being done.

When did you know? Is there any hope for us?

Our Story:
I cheated on my partner of 10 years 3 times. We were in an open relationship for most of our relationship.
-One was a EA where I told I friend I loved him in 2019 with no action after.

Then I had two violations of our open relationship agreements:
-First I flirted with a guy for 3 weeks in a community group I was in who wasn't my friend at the time but became in a group of friends that formed from the community group. I cut it off later than I should have. I didn't tell him about it. This violation was I flirted with someone who became part of a friend group later on.
-Second on a trip to Europe I went to France and spent three days with a French man who I had hooked up with (ethically under our arrangement) 7 years prior. This violation was we spent time together outside of the intent of having sex.

During these infidelities I was filled with ambivalence -- feeling an emotional connection but wanting to stop feeling it because I wanted to be with my partner. I journaled about these feelings to try to get them out and done with but did not disclose the feelings. This May I made plans to go back to Europe and was going to meet up with the French man.

He found out by going through my phone. He read my private journal notes, looked at messages, etc. I trickle truthed for 2 months until September of 2025 I finally told him everything but only after he pressured me. I feel horribly about my trickle truthing and wish I had just gotten it all on the table.

I am fully committed to R but have stumbled on the way. I have NC with all of those people. Im in IC and fully accept all the horrible things I've done. I've restarted medication that I stopped. We've closed the relationship. I give him full access to my phone and have my location on for him to see at all times. None of these entitle me to R and I know that I deserve separation.

Okay first thing first.

Open relationship is not a relationship.

And neither of you seem to want it.

Feeling I get from this is: we are young and we like each other a lot, maybe feeling love, but we have also fear of missing out so we do not want to preclude ourselves to sexual experiences with other people and regret it later in life.

Which is a common trait in people with insecurity and low self worth.

On the other hand you have something so you speak the "mainstream fake open minded" open relationships = freedom, while you instinct pulls you towards each other.

And the fact that the cheating hurt is testament to it.

When I say "open relationship is BS, it's NO relationship", is coming from a guy who was dating dozens of girls at a time. I had no romantic life, it was void, shallow, zero connection, because the reason why I did it it was fear of connection and being hurt.

Because when I committed I always got hurt.

You say you have open relationship but have feelings for each other. So there can not be space for a third person (or fourth or fifth) without sacrificing those feeling. It just cannot work, those who say it works, simply lie and have the same issues you see in WS and AP (they often were / are).

In short it was cognitive dissonance, you want to be together but you also want to "follow the trend", in this state the external validation that you get from cheating (you said open but in fact, it felt like cheating right?) is temporary soothing of your fear of vulnerability and insecurities.

Is a mindset that says "if I do it first I will suffer less if my partner does it to me" whether you are consciously aware or not. Ask yourself honestly, how you would have felt if he did it and you were betrayed by him. Would have been ok for you?

Truth is: it will destroy the bond you had.

your partner suffers it greatly (see how "open" it truly was?) and you suffer it too (now you wonder if there is a chance right?)

When did you know that your BS or you if you were the BS was really truly done?

I can tell you from a BS side, that is the one most interesting for you.

You go through phases, shock, grief, disgust, anger, despair/happiness rollercoaster, anger, depression, ptsd, anger, integration, acceptance.

After reaching the acceptance there are two main outcome, both require years and years, sometimes decades:

- Disgust wins, love is dead, you accept you will never get it back where it was before. You walk away, or if you stay is for reasons other than your wayward partner.

- "forgiveness" wins, you feeel your WS put in enough effort to change that is a new person (but you have to heal yourself too), and you can rebuild enough trust to rebuild something new. The Reconciliation might start.

Notice something here: the pre-betrayal relationship is dead

All that was is lost. All that is, is lost. All the future you planed is lost.

You cannot turn back time and prevent the betrayal. You cannot resurrect the relationship. Is gone, over, forever.

You "can" rebuild something new, and some people manage it, but it all depends on your healing first (the WP choices killed it) and on your BS willingness first, and healing second (if the BS does not heal, you have no chance, only the BS can open the door to R, the WS has no power here).

When did you know? Is there any hope for us?

I knew after 17 years from her first adultery. We were not married not engaged then.

Destroyed me. We built a life got married, adopted a child. then few months ago I opened my eyes and felt Ï am done with this girl, it is over, I do not love her"

Disgust won, years after she thought she repaired our bond, and now she is the one suffering while I am detached.

Some people reconciled successfully.

You need to understand the extent of the betrayal wound, is a wound that teaches your body and your nerve system this:

I am not chosen. I am not enough. I am replaceable.

Is not a mental thing, is deeper, it is physical.

You need to understand because even if you R with your Betrayed Partner, there will come a day when he might tell you out of the blue "I am done with you, you are dead to me". No matter how in love you will feel to be. No matter where you will be in life.

You must decide if you are ready to take this risk, you will never be off the hook.

Right now the anger and disgust he is expressing by verbally insulting you is unpleasant (but is normal, is not good, but the pain is huge, it might happen and he is completely disregulated right now), it is nothing to what is expecting you once you are both truly healed, if you finally attach and he will finally detach. That will tear your heart to pieces.

The question you need to pose yourself is: are you willing to take up this risk?

From what I read you are not ready to R. He is in chaos. You are likely rationalizing, minimizing and defending your self image and ego with excuses and lies or trickle truths.

You are not in R you are in a transitional phase, the best you can get out of it right now is a trauma bond (unhealthy, it will bite you back).

Therapy for you and for him might give you a shot to see if there is the chance for healing enough to begin Reconciliation.

If that is the case you might make it.

It will be something else though, the love you had before was sacrificed by your choices to your Affair Partners, those men mattered to you more than your boyfriend at that moment in time, this is the consequence.

So your question has only this answer. If your affairs were worth more than your boyfriend you should never even try to R, it will be only pain for you and him.

If they did not, be aware that your BP has learned that those men mattered for you more than him, and that is not going away for the rest of your lives. Love is dead. Relationship is dead.

You may try to heal your wounds and then attempt to build a new bond.

Only when you finish that process you will know if your Boyfriend is giving you truly a chance (with a damocle's sword on your head for the entire life, bond might break at any moment in the future) or he is done.

Healing will give both of you clarity.

I am sorry because I can feel your pain and you have my sympathy but this is the reality of the attachment wound caused, you picked the dance now you can only dance it or walk away and try not to make mistakes with a new partner (but if you do not heal first, it will happen again)

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:06 PM, Friday, February 6th]

Just to be clear since you made a very specific question that right now can be more pressing that understanding the facets of the issue:

No matter how much you regret, you understand or you want to give your R a chance, you have no say on this. Only your betrayed partner can decide to give a chance. The betrayer has no right nor any say in getting a second chance.

He says he is sure he is done. I am not sure, he is on a rollercoaster, right now. He surely means it, but if he did not walk away yet, he is still not 100% sure. Don't need to understand it, is cognitive dissonance, the BS will go through that a lot in the initial phases.

You should keep IC and heal yourself no matter if he leaves you or not.
Betrayal is not a isolated thing, is a character flaw, is a pattern that repeats over and over and over unless you heal.

The saying

"Once a cheater always a cheater" --> yes, it is true --> Unless you heal yourself, then you can definitively change

So healing is the most important for YOU.
Do not miss out on that, it's your future.

Unless you are a sociopath (and you don't look like one, just a flawed person with good side and unresolved issues), being a cheater always destroys your life. And even the day you stop cheating because you want to stop the chaos, you will end up being cheated on most likely.

And you will see how much worse is being the BS right then.

Heal yourself, nothing of the above is worthy, you suffered enough already, you can be in a better place and repair your future if nothing else, even if the past is gone.