uncomfortablynumb (original poster new member #82843) posted at 7:00 PM on Friday, February 6th, 2026
I haven't posted on here for a really long time, at least a couple of years. Things were going well and I thought we'd pretty much got through it (DDay was Dec 2022). I had some therapy, we moved house, WH kept doing the right things and showing real change - or so I thought.
Today I found out by chance that he's been messaging an ex girlfriend (high school, first relationship, 30 years ago). He didn't tell me they were back in touch. Apparently they reconnected through Facebook a couple of years ago - two f***ing years!! They moved to WhatsApp a few months back and have been messaging sporadically since.
I've seen the messages and they're fine, but that's not the issue. In what world did he think it was okay to reconnect with an ex without letting me know only a year after DDay? At that point, I was still deep into the anger phase and fidelity/trust was still very much a live issue. I just cannot fathom how he thought it was okay not to be transparent, which is now leading me to think I can just never really trust him because, despite my very clear boundary about messaging ex girlfriends, he didn't see it as a problem.
Where do I go from here? I really just don't know what to think.
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:17 PM on Friday, February 6th, 2026
Sounds pretty shitty. You probably have the tip of the iceberg here.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:37 PM on Friday, February 6th, 2026
Where do I go from here? I really just don't know what to think.
I don’t know where you go from here but it’s apparent the cheater doesn’t get it, isn’t interested in your feelings, hasn’t made the marriage his top priority nor has he made an effort to make you feel safe.
You can certainly remain with him if you want to accept this type of behavior. Because you now know he will always put his selfish needs first.
I’m sorry for you. Apparently his need for attention and validation is HIS priority.
Please make yourself YOUR priority, no matter what the outcome ends up being.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 8:15 PM on Friday, February 6th, 2026
All of this is sketchy, especially moving to WhatsApp. I think that app is used a lot to keep relationships secret. At the very least, he doesn't get it and you haven't been in R. He's just been going along to smooth things out.
You need to confront him. Set some clear and firm boundaries.
BackfromtheStorm ( member #86900) posted at 8:16 PM on Friday, February 6th, 2026
I can tell you one thing, as a guy:
If I end up "casually" meeting an "ex gf", if I ended up texting with her, with whatever kind of "ex" (longer dating or just sex buddies).... I always ended up doing her a gynecological exam.
Because you do not text your ex unless you want to check how their new pants look upon them or off.
If I was on a relationship the kind of female I would categorically never even give my new number were women I slept with.
Not. A. Chance.
Because there was sex involved once, there is sex involved now, whether he sealed the deal or not yet.
Even if they were texting each other about bible school, it's a smoke screen.
180 right now, do not be blindsided again.
Please protect your peace.
You are welcome to send me a PM if you think I can help you. I respond when I can.
