SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We've been trying to repair for about a year but some of the most hurtful details only came out roughly 3.5 months ago after the AP shared some hand written letters and screenshots of their conversations with me :( A lot of what came to light was he showed her some version of care and affection in the same ways he did with me. So what once felt unique, special and romantic now just hurts... a lot. He claims it was mostly transactional, that there were some level of feelings there but nothing in comparison, he doesn't remember writing or doing any of these things, they meant nothing and he just did it because he felt like he had to or was supposed to to keep her desire of him going etc etc. But it just feels like a piece of me died and what once felt good will never return. I know he loves me, he wouldn't have stayed through this past horrendous year if he didn't... but I guess my question is... do these things ever feel good again?

An example from the past few days: My neck and shoulders have been hurting, I often sleep on it wrong, and he used to massage these areas for me and it was one thing I loved about him because it felt like care/love/affection. In a letter she shared that he hand wrote (which he also does for me often) was commenting on how he bought her a massage because she deserved a moment of relaxation and how it would likely be better than the ones he gives her. It's small in the grand scheme of things but it crushed me. This didn't show 'transactional sex' this showed care, affection, intimacy. When he offers to help me it just gives me the ick, I feel disgusted and I don't want to be touched. I of course don't tell him this but I just pray one day it will hurt a little less and that moments like these can return without it feeling like some brief moment where I felt disposable/replaceable etc. I've done the work, I don't feel replaceable or disposable any more but it doesn't stop these moments of me missing what once was, wanting again a version of what I had without the stain of it feeling like 'he just does this for anyone'.

Why don't you tell him how you feel? It's makes perfect sense. If he's truly remorseful, he'll understand.

For me, after 11+ years, that specialness hasn't come back. In a lot of ways, intimacy with my H after Dday became transactional for me. I felt nothing emotionally when we had sex. It was all about me getting off, nothing more.

My H wrote me poems when we were dating. He even had them framed. They were very special to me until I found a poem he wrote to the OW. Now, they mean nothing. I don't even know if we still have them. He gave me some special workout socks. I loved them! Then, I found out he had given her workout socks, too.

Nothing that my H does feels special or unique or exclusive to me, anymore.

@wiser this is absolutely one of the worst parts of infidelity IMO and I feel the same (2 and a half years out).

I said to my WH very early on in the process, nothing we do will ever feel special again. A cute I Love You message - not special, holding hands - not special, a massage, not special. Nothing!!!

And as for sex I agree with Coco, all transactional for me now. When if/he try’s to hold me after I just role over and go to sleep. In fairness the sex is actually better for me now because I’m super selfish and make sure my needs are always taken care of 😂