SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Pogre —

Am I going overboard? It's been a year, exactly a year, and this is all hitting me like it was last week. Am I being "normal," or am I being unreasonable? Am I putting too much into dates on a calendar, or is this what most of us go through for the first antiversary?

Unfortunately — you are 100 percent normal at this point.

Your brain is in full on protection mode, because you’re still processing it all.

I think I mentioned it in another post, end of year one sucks. Twelve months in is enough to evoke all the pain, anger and sadness, yet, also enough time to understand you have more work ahead. Knowing you have more healing to do can be daunting, because it gets harder to imagine better days ahead.

I think I looked forward to the numb part of the healing, the plains of lethal flatness, as I was simply exhausted and didn’t want to feel anything.

My wife’s four year A went from EA to PA exactly two weeks after our wedding anniversary, so the dates in my brain were etched in stone. I have to say, there are a couple triggers now and again about the timing of it, but I have completely forgotten about so many other calendar reminders. It does fade, or certainly did for me.

That aside, I don’t think I felt ‘good’ about things across the board until the start of year three.

You start building new days and new memories to focus on as you heal, but man, it takes too long!

Sisoon, Bigger, and Oldwounds - thank you all so much for your input. It really means alot to get this helpful feedback.

Like I said, I put her through the wringer yesterday. She cried. Hard and a lot. I had tears and snots all over my shirt sleeve at the end of it all. I felt bad, and not bad at the same time.

I'm not trying to just make her cry or hurt her just for the sake of hurting her. At least I don't think I am. It bothered me to see her so upset, but at the same time... well, you know. I've been hurting like never before for the last year. She caused this. I'm not too terribly broken up that she got as upset as she did yesterday, but putting her in tears wasn't really my goal. My goal is for her to really understand the depth of the pain I'm in. The torture of the memories, both real and imagined, that keep rattling around in my head still a full year later.

It gives me a sense of relief to see I'm likely not going overboard or struggling more than I should be at this point. Staying is hard. Reconciling is hard. I get it now. I can't stress to others enough, especially those brand new to it, just how devastating infidelity is. I think almost everyone underestimates it. I know I sure did until it was thrust into my lap.

How dare you buy an Aiwa stereo system!
I swear there are just some things that need to be bannable offenses…

OhItsYou wrote:

How dare you buy an Aiwa stereo system!

I swear there are just some things that need to be bannable offenses…

Speaking as an audiophile I think I agree with this statement, but since it's Bigger I think he can get away with a slap on the wrist along with a promise of buying a better system with at least 2 subwoofers and an eq for proper low end support...

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:02 AM, Wednesday, April 8th]

It is crucial that you and your wife are going through the pain (of both) openly.

Two factors:

People develop and deepen their connection through adversity. The mere fact that you are both suffering through this, her for the pain she sees she caused and you for being betrayed, bonds you.

Second and probably most important:
Talking openly about the betrayal, even its most sordid aspects while excruciating for the Bs and in a minor part for the WS,has a killing blow effect on the affair.

Because it breaks the intimacy between your wife and the other man. It was their thing, their intimate time, you were cast out.
Revelation rips its furs out. Kills that intimacy as the betrayal killed yours when it happened.

Yes it is disgusting, yes it is repulsive, yes it is a torture for you and shameful for her.
But exposed shit stops smelling, begin decomposing, it dies.
The moment the wayward comes completely clean, there is no more "our thing" is no longer intimate or cute in any way. Is naked, in the open light, where you both can see it’s twisted deformity and the disgust that you feel will be felt by her and likely shared since she is healing.

It doesn’t resurrect your relationship that was before, that is dead. But it kill the cheating relationship that murdered it. And that also dies, fantasy and imaginary romance replaced by a brutal truth.

It was he lowest meddling in a can of worms.

If you ever done something you aren’t proud of, this is a magnitude greater.

Once both relationships and their intimacy are dead, you are even. Not exactly a blank slate, but you leveled the Plainfield. Not just the ruins of your story, but now the ruins of the affair lie next to it.

Probably there something new can be rebuilt.
A new intimacy that may spawn something else along the way.

You are not verbalizing this, but your emotions told me this story.

Well… In my defense I never again entered the apartment again, and she kept the Aiwa…

Only redeeming feature of that "sound-system" was the double cassette setup with dual-direction play. Great for copying compilation tapes…

My brother went there for me a few days after d-day and gathered my stuff. Forgot some stuff but if I had to rank what I lost I guess the box of 80’s LP and the IKEA pots would rank above the AIWA…

If you recognize that her medication played a role in her affair, I think it’s something you should be reminding yourself often.

This was not the wife I knew and loved. This was the wife I had on a medication known to cause major personality changes.

If you believe she would not have done this prior to the medication, then you need to remind yourself "this was not my wife who made these choices".

And hopefully the impact will lessen. It definitely will over time (as it did for me).

Storm,

It is crucial that you and your wife are going through the pain (of both) openly.

Two factors:

People develop and deepen their connection through adversity. The mere fact that you are both suffering through this, her for the pain she sees she caused and you for being betrayed, bonds you.

Second and probably most important:
Talking openly about the betrayal, even its most sordid aspects while excruciating for the Bs and in a minor part for the WS,has a killing blow effect on the affair.

Because it breaks the intimacy between your wife and the other man. It was their thing, their intimate time, you were cast out.
Revelation rips its furs out. Kills that intimacy as the betrayal killed yours when it happened.

Yes it is disgusting, yes it is repulsive, yes it is a torture for you and shameful for her.
But exposed shit stops smelling, begin decomposing, it dies.
The moment the wayward comes completely clean, there is no more "our thing" is no longer intimate or cute in any way. Is naked, in the open light, where you both can see it’s twisted deformity and the disgust that you feel will be felt by her and likely shared since she is healing.

It doesn’t resurrect your relationship that was before, that is dead. But it kill the cheating relationship that murdered it. And that also dies, fantasy and imaginary romance replaced by a brutal truth.

It was he lowest meddling in a can of worms.

If you ever done something you aren’t proud of, this is a magnitude greater.

Once both relationships and their intimacy are dead, you are even. Not exactly a blank slate, but you leveled the Plainfield. Not just the ruins of your story, but now the ruins of the affair lie next to it.

Probably there something new can be rebuilt.
A new intimacy that may spawn something else along the way.

You are not verbalizing this, but your emotions told me this story.

For someone whose first language isn't English you sure do have a colorful vocabulary and a way with words. I really like your poetic use of metaphors in this post.

It evokes these images of our already wounded marriage being besieged and decimated by some foul, putrid, pestilent, fetid creature. But somehow something inside of it rose from the rubble and is fighting back. Not only fighting back, but discovered the foul creature's weakness.

I love the framing and the thought that through our shared grief we're bonding, killing the affair together, and rebuilding something stronger and more resilient from the rubble of the devastation that was left behind. We're not giving up and on the verge of delivering the death knell to this awful creature, to ensure it nor none of its ilk ever returns.

It starts ugly, but is ultimately a positive message of hope and healing. That was creative and beautifully written. Thank you.

The1stWife,

If you recognize that her medication played a role in her affair, I think it’s something you should be reminding yourself often.

This was not the wife I knew and loved. This was the wife I had on a medication known to cause major personality changes.

If you believe she would not have done this prior to the medication, then you need to remind yourself "this was not my wife who made these choices".

And hopefully the impact will lessen. It definitely will over time (as it did for me).

I am keeping that in mind as a factor, but at the end of the day she still knew it was wrong. She didn't do a very good job of it, but counting all of the auto deleting messages and voice chats over Facebook messenger leading up to the PA, she did hide what was going on from me for well over a month. I had no clue how often they were talking, nor the extent of what it was they were talking about.

That said, that person appears to be gone now. She did change. There was a meanness there that I'd never seen before and she's shocked at her actions. But then, they always are, right? However, that drug does have a reputation for twisting people and screwing up relationships. I've seen many stories in those epilepsy groups. You can't throw a stick without hitting a warning about taking it.

She's not just back to her old self now. This is a new and improved version of her who's prioritizing me and our marriage above everything else. She dumped some friends and spends all of her time with me now. There's a deeper humility that wasn't there before. She listens to and appreciates me now. By "listens to me" I don't mean "does what I say," but actually hears what I say. Our communication was awful. We're learning things about each other that after 28 years together we both should have already known.

I've no question that she's almost as devastated as I am. She loves me more than she's loved anyone or anything and she's been very consistent for almost a solid year now with no sign of just going through the motions or biding her time. I'm becoming convinced it's real, lasting change. We really are building something new.

I just wish it hadn't happened. We could have gotten here without the heartbreak and betrayal. I know you know the pain. It's awful. Our marriage wasn't where it should have been tho, and that part wasn't all her fault.

I appreciate the reminder and the understanding, tho. It really wasn't her. Thank you.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:26 PM, Wednesday, April 8th]

Pogre,

Don’t beat yourself up about expressing your feelings, you knew it was going to be a rough month so be gentle with yourself.
Much of what you mentioned saying to your W is the very same things I say but personally I think you’re kinder than I am.

You have every right to feel everything you feel, tears, snot and slobber will flow, I’d say if they didn’t then there’s something wrong. Don’t suppress anything, get it out.

You mentioned putting too many dates on the calendar, i think a lot of people do, then dig those memories out a year or 2 or 3 or 4 or however long you want to keep bringing them out of the vault and reliving the pain. Maybe one day you’ll go in to open the vault and laugh, maybe one day you’ll be enjoying life too much to even remember to open it.